Should I let DP take a share in the house?

[Minki]

DP and I are getting married next month. He has 2 kids aged 11 and 8 and I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4. We don't yet live together. We will be having a pre-nup at my request because there is a lot of equity in my house, which DP and his kids will move into at some point, and I earn significantly more than DP. I got badly burnt in my divorce last year (after my ex had an affair and left us) and spent 30k on solicitors and court proceedings trying to stay in the house so I want to do everything possible to protect myself and the boys and to have peace of mind if things to go wrong. My solicitor has told me that getting re-married is a big risk as pre-nups are not necessarily enforceable and my partner could make a claim on my assets, including on the house. Things are further complicated because my ex still has an interest in the house which is repayable if I do re-marry. That said, I love DP and I want to build a life with him, including by getting married. My solicitor has said that if I must re-marry then to keep everthing separate, i.e. do not let him take a share in the house unless he makes a capital contributions. This creates a couple of problems. First of all, we need capital to pay off my ex who could otherwise apply for an order for sale if we don't repay him. DP was going to sell his house and we would use the proceeds to re-pay my ex and give DP a commensurate share in the property going forward (which will only be around 4% in any event). In addition, DP does not want to pay rent to me and says if he is paying money to live somewhere he wants it to count towards something. My solicitor countered this by saying that DP would need to pay to live somewhere anyway. In addition, I am broke and have very little money to live in so it would make sense to let him pay a share (probably only a 1/3rd share ) of the mortgagae going forward and to split the bills with him. Everyone benefits as DP gets an investment interest plus a bigger property where his kids will get a room each and I start saving a lot on living costs as I really cannot continue the way things are now. The catch is that my solicitor says that I am crazy to give DP an interest in the house, legal or equitable. Who is right and what should I do to protect myself? Bottom line is that I want to stay in the house in the event we split and I want to leave my share of the equity to my kids, all of which is covered in the pre-nup. DP would pay in capital which would give him a 4% interest and pay 1/3rd of the mortgage going forward (I would keep all equity up to the point he starts paying then we split the share 2/3rds to 1/3rd.

I am not sure where that is from but accords with the situation of the man I knew who generously paid for his new wife's two children to go to Millfield (£60k a year for the two) and after their divorce had to keep paying. However here your stepchildren go to state schools so that sort of risk is not going to arise. That would be one of those bigger money cases like mine - our court order says I pay 5 sets of school and university fees no matter who the children live with which is much more than the usual 25% for 5 children because I earn more than most men or women and more than their father.

I do not think there will be a big risk here of you having to support his children if the marriage breaks up although the fact you are marrying a low earner who works part time, is not used to paying for nannies and the like and certainly not school fees seems for a recipe for things not working out due to just very different families ( you in the £1.4m London house and he with possibly £50k to chip in). I am not sure love conquers all in second marriages sadly and living in sin is probably the safer way to go here.

There are just so many "if"s in your happily-ever-after outcome.

If your relationship stays the same
If your children continue to get on
If your DP's views on education don't change
If dp doesn't lose his job
If you dot lose your job
If neither of you have crippling health problems
If your exH continues to play ball
If nothing changes in the financial set up you have in mind
(And so many more that you are probably aware of yourself)

Then things MIGHT work the way you need them to. If they don't, so many more ifs which don't even bear thinking.

All because you want to marry this man and want the practical elements of a live-in partner?

You stated up thread that you thought it was "worth the risk because I really love him". The two things are completely unrelated. Honestly, can you not see how you might live a life where you have both things without the risks of a failed (second and therefore more prone to failure) marriage?

You keep saying you want to leave everything you have to your kids. It just DOES NOT work that way when circumstances are like yours. It just doesn't. Every argument you have with this man you will stress about disproportionately because you will feel stuck - unable to leave in case he takes you to the cleaners and then how will you face your DCs, unable to stay because of what the relationship might be becoming. It's just not worth it. Be with him but don't marry him.

What is your dp's view on the marriage? Where is the impetus for this coming from?
I am also fairly confused because you say you won't have any financial obligations to your dp in the event of the marriage breaking down, as he will only be looking after his dc and not doing childcare for you. On the other hand, a page or two back, you say you are fed up of running round like an idiot, juggling everything and you want someone to share the load. In a functional relationship, where you are working full-time and he is working part-time, it is inevitable that he will do stuff which involves or which is for, your dc. Otherwise, you are surely going to resent him or your arrangement for him not pulling his weight at home. So, I think these are contradictory positions.

If this man loves you, he will understand that there are too many unresolved issues for the marriage to proceed. It is not being negative, it is because, if you want the marriage to succeed, you need to have as many issues as possible resolved. What is so fundamentally wrong with him moving in, renting out his place and seeing how it goes?

I have re-read your OP and I realise none of this is answering the question you asked, for which I apologise. I wanted to postpone our marriage for a year, dh did not. At that point, I should have walked away. I understand why I did not, but it was a mistake. You talk quite blithely of separating if it does not work out; what if he does not want to and you end up fighting every inch of the way out of the marriage?

I am going to leave it here, and wish you well.

Thanks all for the comments. I hear everything you are saying but have made the decision and get married in 2 days.

You are a fool.

OP, congrats and hope you have a fabulous day. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and no one can say you haven't considered all the different options. Who is to say yours won't be one of the 2nd marriages that do work out. They do exist.

I hope everything works out well for you and your family.

Good luck. I have a feeling you'll need it.

1 Big hugs. You know that everyone who has read this thread will be disagreeing with your choice but it is still your choice. I hope - really, really hope that we are wrong and you have a wonderful day and a wonderful time together.

2 Keep posting. Even if it is just little stuff, just keep posting. If things go right you have a wonderful store of experience to share with others. If things go wrong (even in little ways) you have a lot of people who can give support and advice and who never say 'I told you so'. If things just trundle on you have access to threads about penis beakers, cutted up pears and the rich tapestry of the vipers.

1. Congratulations, have a great day, take care.

Bonkers. What is the rush to marry?

I pray you won't regret it.

So, I did it. And have absolutely hit rock bottom since. I don't think it's because of the decision I made which I still think was the right thing to do, or at least it's too early to tell, but because the day itself and the lead-up to it was horribly stressful. I fell out with my sister, and my mum then fell out with me as a result and they both said they weren't coming to the wedding although changed their minds literally the night before but by that point I was a complete wreck. Two amazing girlfriends came over on the morning which helped but I was completely shaken by the whole thing and couldn't enjoy the day. It also upset me that DP didn't seem that happy to see me when I got to the church (he says it was because he was stressed with my brother in law being off with him which is understandable) but it meant I couldn't relax and enjoy the ceremony. DP has had his family staying with him for the last 2 weeks and, because we don't live together, it means I have only seen him a couple of times since we got married, and always with his family around. I know it's not his fault as his family lives on the other side of the world and he hasn't seen them for ages so wants to spend time with them but I feel so alone. I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I cry all the time and it's impacting the children. I feel so sorry for them that I can't be better.

Congratulations

A wedding is only a day and I don't think it's unusual for them to be stressful and drama filled. You have plenty of time to settle down and move on. I hope everything works out.