Query re fathers rights to see his daughter

[Sandie1888]

Sorry if this is in the wrong category but as a first time poster I'm just getting to grips with all of this.

My husband has been going through a tough time recently with the mother of his daughter. They have a system where my husband takes his daughter every Friday after school and drops her home at teatime on Saturdays. Every other weekend we take her for the full weekend.

The ex has now gotten herself a new boyfriend and she is now issuing demands (not requests) that hubby HAS to do this and HAS to do that. A situation has arisen where she wants us to take his daughter on 30 March (ages away I know) but unfortunately thats not possible because we are heading to Ireland to see my mam who has been diagnosed with skin cancer. The flights have been booked so we arent willing to change them. We would have offered to bring his daughter but we have flights booked for next week and his daughter is supposed to be coming with us then.

Because we didnt say yes to her demand she stopped hubby seeing his daughter last week and told him he wont see her again until something is in writing from a lawyer - this is the third time she has pulled this stunt and the two previous times she caved when she got the lawyers letters in the post. This time we want an agreement drawn up so that she cannot just stop them seeing each other.

The thing is we are confused about is that its me and hubby that have ended up having to arrange a lawyers appointment (its today at 4pm) even though its the mother who is issuing all the demands.

Its not really a question - I just wanted to get it out there because we are both baffled as to why we are seeing the lawyer today.....has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this before?

Many thanks for letting me burn your ears!

sandra

Firstly, sorry that you find yourselves in this situation, it is hard. I hope your meeting with the solicitor helped you understand some of the issues. Hopefully he/she suggested mediation as a first move? If some kind of compromise can be worked out it is worth exploring.

However, IME if a parent is willing to use access to a child to control or punish the other parent, and doesn't care about the hurt and harm this causes the child, they are abusive. You may be able to compromise sufficiently this time, but as you have seen, it is only a temporary respite. In this situation, it may be better to get a court order. It doesn't guarantee her compliance, but if she has backed down before it looks like she might well comply, and this would be much better for the child. (Not a sol, BTW) The process takes time, but you can ask for an interim order to restore the status quo of contact.

Good Luck.

Many thanks for your reply. Things went really well with the lawyer yesterday. We explained everything to her, had copies of the previous letters that were issued to the mother, showed the bombardment of texts hubby received (and was still receiving while we were in the lawyers office...the lawyer witnessed this) and as a result the lawyer is going to issue another letter outlining terms which the mother must agree to within 14 days, our lawyer is looking for written confirmation within that timeframe from the mothers lawyer and if she doesnt receive it we are going to apply for a court order and for joint custody because as you said this must be having a devestating effect on the daughter.

Luckily we are getting his daughter tomorrow (as hubby received a text asking if he was taking her this weekend and if not she will be left at her grans) so basically we only have his daughter because her mam is looking for a childminder!!!

Fingers crossed it all gets sorted soon as I can already feel a strain on our marriage over it. Hubby is feeling guilty that I'm being dragged through it too (I got texts last week getting called a cheeky b!tch and a two faced c0w...for what I dont know)!!!

Its crazy we've been going through this for 7 years now and definitely at our wits end!! Oh and for clarity hubby pays £65 weekly through CSA for his daughter and has done for the past 11 years so its not like she can bring that up in court.

Sorry should have also mentioned mediation between father and mother is definitely not an option, they cannot be in the same room together, the hatred between them is quite shocking

Sinds like the lawyer has this well in hand, but how old is the child? I assume she is approaching teenagerdom if he has been paying maintenance for 11 years.

If so, you need to near in mind it can get very tricky when they hit 12 onwards as if they refuse to go to contact - either under own volition or due to pressure from a resident parent - there is very little realistically that the court can do.

Is there not anyway the hatred between the adults can lessen. It's a sad situation for this poor child who presumably loves both of them. She won't escape this emotionally unscathed.

His daughter is 12 this year.

To be honest since May last year when they came to an agreement, when we got the lawyers letter issued (by way of background this was because the mother confirmed to us that we could take the daughter on holidays, we booked the holiday and then she decided we could no longer take the daughter....this was really upsetting for the daughter) things were going well, I'd finally (after 6 years) met the mother and hubby and the mother were getting on well but she is now with a new man and this is why her demands are coming in quick and fast...to suit her new man!

Hubby and daughter have a great relationship. She tells us all her woes about when shes at home and how she needs to look after her three year old brother while her mam is in bed...how she looks after him, gets him breakfast every morning before she goes to school so she sees our house and her own room as a safe haven for the weekend, she is such a great little kid and I couldnt imagine her not wanting to see her dad.

The problem is the pressure that is placed on children on these circs. Se may well want to see him but it is bery difficult for them if resident parent kicks off and makes it clear they are not happy.

Why is so so much hatred after so long? Particuarly if she has moved on in new relationship.

Would he consider applying for sole residence if it gets really bad?

Because some women are vindictive, like nothing more than having drama in their lives.... jealous of other people who have moved on .... if there is nothing interesting happening in their lives then they will create something ...they have a sense of self importance and they want to have that power over their ex's. At the end of the day, they are just bitter!!!

I understand about the pressure on the daughter but this is by no means a pressure that shes under while in our care. Its always the mother that takes visits away when she gets into one of her grumpy moods or if we cannot oblige with one of her requests, one being she wants us to take the daughter for the full weekend of 29 March but this isnt possible because my mam was diagnosed with skin cancer last month and she is having an operation that weekend, I want to travel home that weekend to be by her side and obviously hubby wants to be by my side for support. Hubby explained the situation with my mams illness to the mother to which she replied "tough"!!! That is basically the reason why all of this kicked off last week!

They split up when the daughter was a few months old and the mother denied hubby any kind of access for three years, he fought through lawyers to see his daughter to which the mother just kept ignoring letters but eventually she allowed him 2 visits a month (Sunday from 12-6pm). When we met I seen how upset this made him so we asked for more visits but she wouldnt allow it so we got a lawyer (the first one) when the mother got this letter she agreed we could have the daughter once a weekend, which then moved up to once a weekend overnight and now its once a weekend over night and every third weekend for the full weekend and depending on hubbys shifts once a week too. When they split up hubby became quite a heavy drinker because not seeing his daughter effected him quite badly, the mother loved seeing this an she even went to his house while he was working one day (he never changed the locks when she moved out) and she cleared the whole house, didnt even leave him with a fork.....their split up was quite bad and the mother must have thought hubby would always be in the gutter so kept kicking him while he was down. Hes such a strong person now standing up to her which she never thought would happen, hes happily married and has a good relationship with is daughte which she doesnt like neither!

We've seen her in quite a lot of relationships since wev'e been together (7 years) which include another child, two engagements and a couple of guys living with her. I reckon she resents hubbys happiness now.

If she doesnt agree to the terms in the letter the lawyer is sending her we are applying for joint custody. We both work so sole residential care wouldnt work and also we wouldnt want to do anything that would upset her relationship with her mam.

sorry when I say I want to travel home I means my family live in Ireland, I moved to Scotland five years ago to be with hubb*

Good that you guys are standing up to her.....I guess people like her would never change and she would use anyone/anything to inflict pain on yr hubby because some people are just like that!!!

From what you said it sounds like she is jealous of the relationship you guys have with her, a better one than hers and she knows it, hence she is sabotaging what yr hubby has with his daughter.

Best stick to what's been agreed legally and not to relie on her for any favours because she will play games with you, and talk to lawyers if she is out of place.