HELP MY DAUGHTER REFUSING CONTACT WITH EX DUE TO BAD DREAMS ABOUT HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND

[Smithybum]

Hi am new to mumsnet and really need peoples advice i split with the ex hubby 4 years ago since then he has had contact with our 2 kids who are 14 and 8 lately the 14 yr old refused contact due to a difficult relationship with his dad and contact the last few months has been off and on with the 8 yr old my ex has now told me and the 8 yr old that hes back with the ex gf a relationship that has been on and off for a yr (more off than on) in March they split as my 8 yr old was having bad dreams about the gf killing me along with bad nosebleeds tummyache which the doctor put down to stress of the so called relationship so contacted was stopped a month later the ex dumped her (again) the dreams stopped and contacted was started again but now hes bk with the gf and the dreams etc have started again and the 8 yrs old is refusing contact what can i do??? i did try talk my daughter round last time but now we found out hes been lying for months about the gf and dropping my daughter bk early just so he can visit the gf!! My daughter feels very upset and let down but of course all this is my fault and his kids should fit round his life and he told our daughter they only dreams.....NOT to an 8 yr old little girl they not!!! any advice???

What on earth made her dream that?

If she isn't seeing the gf then I agree with your ex. Who he sees is up to him. Maybe you need to reiterate this to your daughter?

How does your dd know he's seeing his girlfriend? I don't understand what information she's getting that is causing the dreams - has your ex told her?

Your dd is showing serious stress symptoms. Whilst its true ex private life is exactly that, the right of contact is for the child and not the parent. You don't have to make her go (is there a court order btw?) and he needs to show some understanding of how his lifestyle might be affecting his daughter - he needs to step up and do some parenting!

Perhaps your dd could benefit from some counselling?

Maybe you could ask him to agree to drop the contact just for now, get her some counselling & see how things go? If he & the GF are really back together for good then he needs to make sure the kids are comfortable around her & both put effort into promoting a good relationship not just dump the poor lass.

Could they (after a while) have the children for a daytime visit & build up gradually?

Has the GF got a history of being nasty to the children or badmouthing you?

They is no contact order and this is a reoccurring probem with his gf he told dd hes seeing her but only as he was backed into a corner the problem is dd feels let down when she goes for contact with her dad he leaves her sat in his frontroom while hes in another room on the phone to the gf thus having no time with the dd he only has her once a week and even thou dd is having no contact with the gf she feels she is still pulling her dad away at the time that is thiers i have told dd the normal daddy loves her and misses her but since this has happened before she just refuses to listen to me our doctor has said she is showing signs of stress at even thinking of having contact with the ex i want dd to have contact with the ex as she is such a daddys girl but not at the expence of her health so my solicitor has stopped contact for now asking the ex to please try not leave her alone to contact the gf as its only a day a week he refused point blank saying dd will have to get use to it!! Not the attitude to take i feel hes pushing her away for the sake of an on off relationship and the only 1 losing out is dd am pulling my hair out with the nightmares and tummyaches and while yes its his private life to do as he wishes i cannot understand a dad that would willing let his own dd go through all this maybe i am just being selfish wanting my dd to be happy and healthy?? she goes through so much already as i have cancer and she really does need her dad but he seems too busy for her she is so strong willed like him i dont see either one giving in anytime soon!!

Don't be absurd thinking you are being selfish wanting your dd to be happy and healthy! Why wouldn't you want that?!
It's good your gp is involved thru sound helpful and supportive - bear them in mind if this ever escalates.
Your ex is v selfish and deluded.
If there is no court order you can support dd in refusing contact - don't make her go if she doesn't want to -ex will have to get used to it!

Fwiw she's old enough if it ever went to court to have her views considered seriously by Cafcass and they won't make her go either ESP with gp back up.

I have had the normal txt off ex and the gf how am turning dd against him am vile evil nasty this is all my fault i have done nothing but support each of my kids in thier own choices of contact with him and now its a health issue i need to think of dd first not my ex's feelings which he can't understand its not the first time my gp has been involved about the nightmares as this all happened 6 months ago and now we back to the same crap and this i think is what has done it for dd this time the fact of him lying to her which to be honest is a new thing for the ex hes never been like this before my solicitor said the same a court won't force her i just really can't help but feel that i in some way have let dd down

Please make sure nothing else is happening. Your ex is exactly like my father (except he was much nastier due to being extremely abusive) in the way he speaks. At around the same age my brother started doing the same things...Throwing up, extreme stress. He stopped going.

I'm not saying he's hitting/touching her but with my brother it was emotional abuse.

I hope everything works out. Your ex sounds like a pig :(

Is she frightened of the girlfriend?

I'd be gently pressing to find out if she's overheard phone calls or something that has provoked this reaction.

I would stop contact for now and send dd to counciling regarding the dreams.

Its important to know if she is truly scared of gf (why?) or if she just wants her dad to herself? Also counciling will help her get over the split as well.

Good luck

I find it stange you are more concerned with contact than finding out why she is having bad dreams!

Dd tells me yes she hears phone calls to the gf even when hes in the other room so not sure what shes heard but i am thinking she has defo heard something she did not like or upset her dd has never met the gf all this has come from him leaving her alone while he chats to the gf on the phone the doctor says she leaves abandoned. The ex has already been sent solicitors letters stating that he is emotionally abusing both dd by showing them private txt of us both arguing i don't let dd see any of that this is the reason the oldest dd refused to go and has not for weeks he even told dd that her mums mental and need to go to a mental hospital so god only knows what other things dd has heard he was only warned last month about his behaviour round dd but all u get from the ex is that its his life and he can do what he likes which i can understand but harder for the 8 yr old dd to come to terms with somebody else comes before her.

The dreams are my main concern but i also don't want dd to lose cotact with the ex i think the longer it goes on the less dd will care about seeing him and i don't want that for either of them but dd comes first so no contact it is have just been told by ex taht him and his gf will take me to court for contact if they have to tried to explain that it will just put more pressure on the situation but it fell on deaf ears as normal!

If dd has never met the gf then she really does need to be told that she is seeing her dad. I really wouldn't stop contact. I imagine it is something along the lines of if she loses you to cancer then she only has her dad & he may be more concerned about gf BUT I am only guessing. Not sure whether ringing Marie Curie up for advice might be a plan. I don't think though, that you dictating to your ex is going to help matters, I know you are thinking it will but I really don't think it will. It is not a good thing to say gf or daughter, it can be both.

My ex NEVER sees children without his now wife & I know they would love to have one to one time with him but that's the way things are. If I had been stubborn, I think he may have "chosen" her, but I didn't want that situation as they love their dad.

It was not my choice to stop contact dd has made it very clear to me and the ex she does not contact with him and i feel me forcing her to do so will just make her resent me and she will still have the nightmares if it was a longterm relationship with the gf i would fully support contact but again this realtionship has been more than bumpy and on/off for the last year or so and the ex has told me basically hes 'having fun' so it won't effect the kids but again now it has done and i don't think i can just sit back and let dd suffer like she is.

Could you ex and gf all go to mediation to discuss this issue and a way forward for ex to see dd?

At 8 she should be told to see her dad. If she has never meet gf then i think a meal together with everyone can help her see there is nothing bad about gf?

You have cancer if you die who will take care of your children? If its ex you need to sort this issue out so your children will be happy with him.

He left you not the children and he can have gf but he still needs to be there for his children and still loves them.

Its hard for you but the children need you to take the lead. Be posative about their father and ask him to do the same.

My ex doesn't want his gf to have anything to do with dd as he knows its not a longterm thing with her and this is the problem i feel he's putting dd through all this for nothing really but thats just my own thoughts. When i die the children go to my parents as agreed by me and the ex neither dd wanted to live with dad and he didnt want fulltime responsibility for them! He didn't leave i asked him to and for the last 4 yrs he has done nothing but try get us back together to be honest hence the on/off gf but i felt he only wanted bk due to my illness so refused but we do have a good relationship and don't want dd to miss out but now as the doctor says its effecting her health then i need to put her first dd knows he loves her we both tell her all the time i make sure i never say a bad word about him to them (if only he could do the same sometimes)

Children's views are seen in light of their understanding and maturity. A child of 8 years of age isn't old enough to fully understand the implications of making a decision and shouldn't be put in the position of being responsible for contact arrangements. Children need enough information to make sense of what is going IMO, but it is the duty of parents to shield children as much as possible from conflict and emotional harm.

Nightmares are a sign of stress but you can't automatically conclude that because the nightmares are about the girlfriend that is the underlying problem. As others have said counselling might be a way forward or family therapy.

The nightmares only occur when the ex is with the gf when the relationship is off dd has no nightmares leading the doctor to think its a direct result of the gf defo counselling is the way forward i think.

Told to see her dad? No way. The right of contact is for the child not either parent and the law supports it.

Smithybum, I'm sorry to press this point, but if your 8 year old is having nightmares about a casual girlfriend of your ex's killing you, when she has never even met that gf, perhaps it's more an expression of fear that the two are somehow linked - your illness, and his having a girlfriend? She may at some very basic level believe that you are more likely to die (as you say you will, rather than may, before both children are grown up) if her father "replaces" you in a romantic sense. It would seem to me to be a bizarrely logical, if totally incorrect, fear for a very young girl to have, if her parents had split up, her dad seems to potentially have someone else as a partner, and her mum is very ill. Obviously that may be completely mistaken, but given children are so set on their parents, it would seem plausible to me, at any rate.

At all events, I think family counselling for her with both you and your ex present would be your best route forward as a first step.

I'm really sorry. This must be so hard and painful to cope with on several levels. I wish you all the very, very best. You clearly adore your kids and are trying so hard to do what is best for them.

At 8 a child is too young to make a considered decision. Dad is not mistreating her therefore contact should continue,

Who are you saying the contact is for then?

The ex is trying to force contact with 8 year old dd over the past few months they have been many issues including him drink driving with dd in his van and leaving both kids alone in his house while he went to work a long with the fact the 8 year old has to sleep with him for no good reason and the lastest with the gf is just the topping on the cake really I redcued contact after all this happened but will not force dd to go when she is destressed about even thinking about seeing him did speck to cafcass yesterday they said if my doctor feels its harming dd then she won't be forced to go but that's not making dd feel any better.