Is 4 too many?

[CalmFawn]

Currently have 3 children 5, 3 and an under 1). I thought it would be very difficult but so far I’m loving life (really struggled with my first).

im enjoying it so much I’ve started to entertain the idea of 4…my husband is open to the idea but as long as its not for a couple of years so plenty of time to decide

I just wondered what other opinions were? Do you have 4 and how is it?!

I have 4 and yes I find it too many, I obviously wouldnt wish any of them away but if I had my time again I wouldn’t have had 4.

Love having my 4! We have 9 years from eldest to youngest. I personally always found the baby stage hard going, but as they grow I love seeing the sibling interactions. I enjoy how with 4 there is never one left out (as there was with 3) as they can pair up.

3 is too many already, 4 is insanity.

I found the jump from 2 to 3 relatively easy. But 4 was a lot harder to balance with our jobs - we both work full time. Saying this now the baby is no longer a baby, things have suddenly become a lot easier.

Also interested in this! I have 3: just turned 4, 5.5 and just turned 7. Less than 3 years between eldest and youngest. I thought I was done but randomly started wanting a 4th around November, and this month we've not tried but not prevented.

I am worried about the age gap though with 3 very close together and then another one 4/5 years later. Preferably I'd have a 5th too so they'd have someone close in age as well.

I'll be asking myself the same question in about a year's time 😁I've got a 4y, 2y and 2 week old baby.

I grew up in a family of 4 kids so I don’t think so in principle.

My reservations are about making it fit around work. We can't afford for one of us stop working. It seems like loads of activities happen after school these days but that's not feasible with FT work. Our jobs are not very transferable and involve a long commute but limited in alternatives. It works at the moment because we can alternate WFH days around late nursery finish times. School is going to be a whole new challenge. We would need to weigh up salary drops with real life. I appreciate that ship may have already sailed with 3...

My mum was a SAHM until the youngest was in school and then only went back 2 days a week.

My friend has 4 and admits 3 was a nice number! I have 3 and am completely done, 4 would push us to insanity! After school clubs are the killer. Little one is dragged around a lot with the older ones.

This.

when they were young, it was wonderful. Now they are 16, 13, 12 and 6 and it’s very, very hard.

I agree with the above. Mine are 14, 12, 10 and 6 and I'm finding it very difficult. Absolutely loved having 4 when they were small though.

We have 4. 3-4 was our easiest jump 😂

It's busy and we have to be well organised, the laundry never stops, our food bill is madness but I love it!

I'm a sahm / carer to DC though which makes a massive difference I think as I'm not juggling work aswell although I do some volunteering.

You forgot to type for me at the end of your sentence

I have 3 relatively close family members and friends who have 4 children and none of them are finding it too many or insane

We all have different abilities on child raising , just because you aren't up to 4 doesn't mean no one else is

At the risk of stating the obvious no one can tell you the future OP, please don't make such a big decision based on a few random opinions

I have 4 aged from 13 down to 6 and it is a lot. It's not "too many" for us and for our particular circumstances (financial, work setup, personalities of kids etc) but it is incredibly hard work balancing all their needs. Worthwhile work, but work nonetheless.

I have 4 with a 10 year age gap between the eldest and youngest. Never really found 4 to be much harder than 3.
Mine are all adults now with children of their own. Get on really well and family get togethers are amazing. 8 grandkids under 7. Hectic but absolutely wouldn’t change it.

I have 4 always loved it. Close together too. Had a 5 year old, 2 year old twins with a newborn. 4th just fitted in with the rest. I was lucky to be a SAHM so had all the time to give to them.

We have four and our last one completed our family perfectly, it always felt a bit unbalanced with the two older ones pairing up and our third being a bit left out before. Now they all have someone to play with - sometimes in pairs, sometimes all together. I haven’t found having four much harder than having three, once you’re already a larger family and the demands for laundry, cooking etc. are already big, one more hasn’t made that much difference for us. I would recommend it, I love having four.

Interested to know what you're finding the challenges to be now they're older? For my own considerations as we currently have 2, pregnant with third and considering a fourth (depending on how we adapt to 3) - but I don't think I've ever given 'long term' as much thought as the short term and it sounds like I should. @Zippidydoodah interested in your insights too if you're willing to share

Can you afford four sets of university fees and house deposits?

We had 4 in 6 years! They’re adults now. It was fantastic, so much fun.

What has house deposits got to do with it. Who can afford to give their kids house deposits. Only 1 of my 4 went to university they supported themselves. Not everyone goes to university.

I don’t think you owe them house deposits because that is absolutely their problem, but if all four go to university will you be able to afford them? The current system makes little distinction between parents that have one child or ten and I wouldn’t anticipate it becoming more generous.

Prior to that, have you got funds for a family of six to live a comfortable lifestyle? Have you got the energy and attention for them all?

I don’t, so we are having 2 at the most. If you do then go for it.

Thanks everyone! Interesting to get different points of view!

we have a big enough house for them to all have a room each (we would need a bigger car though!) and financially we’re very lucky so could still afford holidays and to put them through uni ( a big house deposit would probably be a stretch!). I work full time but across 3 days and my DH is part time. We do have a lot of support from my family (school runs, sleepovers etc). We already do lots of after school clubs so poor baby is dragged everywhere but I feel this would only get worse as more children pick up activities 😂.

baby is still tiny so have plenty of time to think it through 🥰

It’s just your hormones talking.

You will feel like this 1-2 years after you have the next one. And the next one…..basically however many you have you’ll feel it.

Relatives that help are getting older. They’ve done their bit. Let them enjoy the kids you have. There will come a time they won’t be fit to help. They will struggle on, saying they love it but I image they’ll be exhausted and you won’t know. They may even be there already with your three and not wanting to let you down…

Then there’s the older kids. It would be easy to rely on them to do things for younger siblings, and while that’s fine sometimes, I’d suggest it will happen more the more kids you have. Let then be kids. Not your unofficial helpers, parent your own children. (Apologies if that’s not you at all. I just speak from experience of people I know from large families who also said they got no time with their parents as they had no time to do anything and the older kids became surrogate parents to the younger). .

Id suggest three is more than enough. Any more is a bit selfish. Sorry OP.

Yes

It depends on your children's temperaments, I'd wait until their personalities are more formed to decide.
Very calm social but independent children might thrive with 4, but higher needs children prone to bickering and who don't do well in busy environments and who need a lot of adult attention aren't going to handle it as well.