Is 4 too many?

[CalmFawn]

Currently have 3 children 5, 3 and an under 1). I thought it would be very difficult but so far I’m loving life (really struggled with my first).

im enjoying it so much I’ve started to entertain the idea of 4…my husband is open to the idea but as long as its not for a couple of years so plenty of time to decide

I just wondered what other opinions were? Do you have 4 and how is it?!

I don’t feel like I was ever done a disservice!

If you are extremely wealthy and just adore parenting go for it I guess. So glad we stopped at 2. Teens / young adults even lovely ones need a lot of resources and time these days - more than we did.

Reached 50 those nurturing hormones gone and frankly just want to do my own thing now if I had to parent 2 more teenagers through friendships / partying / GCSEs / a level I think I would cry. That’s before university costs.

Quite. That thinking might have worked 30 years ago but it doesn't reflect the reality of the market now. @user1476613140 might be quite happy for her kids to be tens of thousands of pounds in debt and have to spend their 20s trying to scrape together a deposit, but I'd rather my daughter is debt-free and accumulating equity.

Yes

Not every child goes to University, as to house deposits, I’ve got 2 and couldn’t afford that.

I have four all young adults now and whilst I love them all dearly I wouldn't do it given my time again. It's not so much to do with bringing them up but more due to finances and not being able to help them as much as we'd like and that there is always one or more of them to worry about, but then I am a worrier. Three out of four of ours have been to Uni or are at Uni and it's one expensive slog .I do think life is just so shit at the moment for many young people it's probably best not to multiple that too much ! Of course things/ society could have drastically changed in twenty years time but realistically I think not.

That would kill it for me. I so desperately want ours to be happy / productive it’s bad enough worrying about 2 can’t imagine having four young adults I’m so invested in getting jobs etc It’s all much harder now. It’s not like when we were young.

Im one of 4 - 48yo-40. perfect

It's much more emotionally draining now than it was when they were younger. Mine are all boys and 2 are going through puberty. There seems to be endless fighting and bickering which drives me crazy. I'm also peri menopausal so there's far too many hormones floating around the house.

I think it's physically more demanding with small children but you get a lot back from them as they're so cute and loving. Less so with grumpy teenagers!

I love them very much and overall they're good kids but I think I was a bit naive and didn't consider the different life stages, theirs and mine, while having them

Sorry, that was in response to @milkhoarder

Thanks for your response @BeckyWithTheGoodBear and others, I really appreciate the insight. I'm an only child not through my parents choice, so I do think my desire for more children is emotional much more than it is logical or practical.

And then there's trying to be fair with support for GC. I know not everyone wants to help with Childcare but I did it with the first, the second. Twenty years later I love it with the babies but I am a bit old for it. Before you know it there will be great GC.

So think of the future when you set the pattern, pocket money, helping with school uniform etc. it gets harder when you retire but Id never do less for the babies.

My eldest isn't interested in uni like I was. He's just wanting to do a course at college. Not all young people are interested in going to uni! They are all individuals!

So for us personally

positives

1. we already have a 7 bedroom house so wouldn’t need to move
2. we have a cleaner and a gardener so that does free time up
3. We have help from family who fight to look after out children
4. my husband and I work opposite days so we don’t need to pay for childcare during the week
5. I’m really enjoying 4 so far
6. we could afford to put them all through university comfortably

negatives

1. We need to buy a bigger car each
2. im 36 so would need to decided fairly soon resulting in a smaller age gap
3. I hate pregnancy and am generally quite unwell so a strain on my husband doing everything
4. we wouldn’t be able to afford 4 large house deposits for them but would manage a few thousand. Not sure what people receive? We didn’t get anything 😂
5. youngest would be dragged around to older ones clubs
6. would probably only be able to go on a few holidays a year

I will probably wait until baby is 18 months and see how we both feel!

thanks for the input xx

I was thinking the same as your first paragraph - also currently have a baby, 2yo and 4yo. 22 month age gaps. I would love a fourth (and final!) so following this thread with interest. Absolutely love having the three of them and it’s been by far the easiest transition.

It obviously wouldn’t be ideal from a career perspective - I have either been pregnant and vomiting or on maternity leave since late 2020 - but I think it would be recoverable. The main issue would be spreading ourselves too thin in terms of providing time and attention, whilst also working enough to give them a great quality of life, and physically trying to have two adults in more than two places at once!

I always think it’s useful to hear from parents of 3+ older children, as I’m conscious that I might just really love the little children stage and maybe I’ll struggle with teenagers. At which point, it’s a bit late to send any back!

See how the personality comes 1st. If all my kids had the personality of my 2nd I would've had 10 kids. Love them all but can be difficult

I'm also an only child so I totally get it!

Agreed on hearing from people with older kids.

By the time I hit the later childhood years to see for myself, it'll be too late so need to decide in next year - both in terms of my age but also I wouldn't want a big gap as a fourth would definitely be my last baby.

I struggle with the uni argument. I'm sure there'll be several funding changes before my kids get there so impossible to know what will be in reach. We're never going to be in the position to cover all their costs if they go anyway.

They get loans for some of it but parents have to pay contributions. With the state of the nations finances I can’t see there being more grants available.

I don’t think any funding changes are going to be resulting in more funding being available over the next 18 years, the trend is really only going one way

I have four. It's perfect for us.

Quite different to the situation now, where tuition fees are £9k per year (though you can get a loan that covers fees). Also, the student loans for maintenance are means-tested against your parents income, so most parents are expected to contribute.

Student finance is very different now and it’s not unreasonable to suggest that parents think about the future and whether they can afford to support four children through university, even if it’s just topping up the maintenance loan to the full amount.

If you disagree with the Uni argument, that’s fine. Many of them won’t and shouldn’t go. However, when I first applied for a mortgage, it was 100% and they literally just took the word of my Line manager as to how much i earned presented on a piece of Head paper.
Nowadays the process is very different and looking to emulate the Australian system of a 20% deposit minimum plus Insurance required to protect the bank in the event of repossession which of course will be paid by the borrower.
Additionally, there’s 20% stamp duty minimum.
Housing security is the Most impactful and defining factor in career success in my experience. You can’t concentrate on your job if you’re worried about where you’re gonna be living in a month time

I have 6 and love it. Only 2 at home full time now. Eldest 28, youngest 10. I love it. Very, very, very busy but would not have had it any other way.

I’m one of 4 and love it. Age gap is 10 years between me and my oldest sister, I’m early 30’s, she is early 40’s with 2 in between. 3 of us have been to uni (self funded) and one has been twice. All own our own houses which we have also self funded. Do I resent my parents? No way. My sisters are the best thing they could have given me to be honest, we are all really close! I’d love to pay for my DD’s to go to uni, but also it’s not the basis of whether we had them or not. Go for it OP, you sound like you’re in a really good financial and social situation!