Talk me out of wanting a 4th child

[3or4ormore]

I’m 36, husband 37. We had our 3rd baby a couple of weeks ago. Older children are 4 and 2.

I swore that this would be our final baby. But now, I’m not so sure. I know that it would be silly to have another for all sorts of reasons. I’m too old, my poor career, fewer resources and less time for each child. But, still...

Please talk me into having a coil fitted! 😂

I have 5, wouldn't change a thing.

Sorry, can't talk you out of it. I had 4, although slightly younger than you. I was a SAHM but worked around my husband doing cleaning, waiting on, retail etc. I have never had a career but have a job I love. My first part time role when two of my children were at school and two in nursery gave me the grand sum of £10 each month after childcare. If you can afford it and you both agree, go for your fourth when the time is right. My fourth was an absolute delight and fitted right in and they have all grown up to be the most amazing adults. We dont have any regrets and although we will never be rich money wise, we feel very lucky to have such a lovely family.

I have three, now teens, but wanted 4. I am very glad I stuck with three. My teens are delightful but wow, do they take up your time, money, and energy .

Also, as I get older I am really looking forward to that next phase of life when dc fly the nest. I have so many things I want to do like move to a smaller house in a city with dh, visit family abroad more, etc. I’m mid 40s, perimenopausal and my hormones are ready to be done nurturing. Three dc take every drop of my time and attention.

This happened to me after baby 2. All I could think about in the month after baby 2 was how much I loved a new baby and how this couldn’t be the last time. Hormones are WILD.
when baby was just over 12 months we weren’t really thinking too much about another baby but had a surprise pregnancy and now expecting dc3. I think this should be the last baby however I’m fully expecting my brain to tell me I MUST have another

IMO when you have 3 kids ones always going to be left out and the other two are going to be closer. With 4 they partner up

There are too many people on this planet stop!!!!

Have a coil fitted - you can get it out if/when it’s time to have a fourth! That time is NOT soon, your hormones are running wild in your body, and there is grief around the thought this is the last time. It might be the last time (even if you try for 4 eventually), so try and enjoy it without thinking about the next kid!

Just settle in with baby and enjoy your new little one and if in 12 months you still feel the same then I say go for it. But I'm a bad influence, I say have all the children and enjoy a large family and only worry about what you and your partner think. Other wise your going to get comments like the other pp which is wrong information but anyway if you and your partner want more babies then do it. You never regret the children you have only the ones you don't.

Are you me? 😂Due my third in June, DC1 and DC2 about to turn 4 and 2. I'll be 36 just after baby arrives.

I'm already thinking about whether to have a fourth. I was one of four so it seems the "normal" number for me. My husband (an only) would like four. We have a big enough house and car. Finances are manageable but would need both of us to keep working. My concerns are more about putting my life on hold again for another 2 years, body wise and career wise, until I've stopped breastfeeding/child is not so needy.

Anyway, that wasn't helpful in putting you off 😂 See how you feel in a few months time!

Yes we are the same person!

I think that part of the issue is, I really hate being pregnant (though I very much appreciate how lucky I have been to have three planned pregnancies), but I love the newborn/baby/toddler phases. So as soon as the baby is born, life is great. I must remember that it gets harder when I’m back at work and having to juggle everything. And what if I don’t like parenting so much at other stages, such as the teen years? Would be a shame to have four and then realise you’re only able to manage pre-schoolers! 😂

But today has just been so lovely with all three of them at home. We have space for a fourth and could afford it. I am put off because people didn’t exactly react positively to baby number 3, so I can’t imagine how badly a 4th pregnancy would be received. Also, my career and my age are worries.

I had slightly smaller age gaps than you, but stopped at 3. I felt done at 3 so I can't help on that side of things, but what I would say is that I found juggling time, the cost, balancing everyone's needs and activities much easier when they were small... now they're all in school we struggle with their social lives, clashes and balancing commitments- school trips, swimming lessons, birthday parties, play dates etc. We've had 3 seperate birthday parties in one day to go to on more than one occasion! We're OK money wise but they are a lot more expensive now they're a bit older so something to consider. Maybe wait till you have 2 in school and see how you feel?

I think this is the wrong section to be posting in if you want balanced responses tbh, if I were you, I’d ask in the teen and adult children sections. You should picture what it’ll be like beyond the baby stage.

I came on to say similar. You had a baby a couple of weeks ago and you're thinking of another already, posting in larger families. Definitely post in teens. It will be expensive. I have 3 and I'm happy with that, but it's expensive. Driving lessons, tutoring, extra curricular activities, uni. By all means have more of you have the cash to give them a leg up in the world.

Another person saying that by posting in larger families you are skewing responses to the group that will encourage you.

If you want a wider range of responses, more than just validation then try AIBU or Chat.

Let your brain do the thinking not the hormones. I never liked children much but since the moment DS was born to about when he was 19, I was very very broody,I didn’t want another baby, I wanted another 3.

I spent a lot of time cooing at babies, playing with little kids in the family, thinking how wonderfully amazing children were and how much I wanted another 3… despite struggling to keep a roof over my DS’s head and mine as a divorced parent working full time with no respite whatsoever, at time when I felt my life was going just if there was enough food in the cupboard. I’m glad I didn’t go for another as it wouldn’t have been reasonable at all.

Enjoy your new baby, and your young kids, but let your head do the thinking. What does your husband say? Does he want the 4th one? If not sure don’t push it, you also need to put that relationship first because if the parents are well… the children are fine.

Well yes, but anyone posting in there will just spew vitriol at OP for daring to have more than the allowed one or two children, so I don't blame her for choosing here.

Just enjoy the newborn bubble, OP, and don't worry about it for now. Revisit it in 18 months and go for it if you're still keen.

What replies did you expect posting on this board? If you want a more balanced response post elsewhere. I have 3DC and am glad financially we could support them in college/university, pay for driving lessons, weddings, buying a pram, etc.
We have 12 years between our first and third, which is probably too large a gap, but did make it easier money-wise and we had fantastic family support, never nèeding paid childcare. As young DC they were relatively inexpensive compared to the teenage years and beyond. Unless you're quite wealthy, I couldn't imagine doing anywhere near as much as we did with three DC in four years, let alone more.

I totally agree. Stop creating more. 3 is plenty for anyone.

This is what I would say too. When you have lovely little ones around the tendency is to focus on the early years and you don’t realise how much more expensive and demanding they become in their teens, at a time when there is every chance you are feeling exhausted, possibly dealing with elderly parents, looking to do different things in life, whether that is stepping back from work and travelling etc or into a new phase of it. I am glad now that we stopped at 3, though I’m sure we wouldn’t say we regret it if we had.

I had my 4th and then my 5th 11 months later….wouldn’t change a thing.

How are you getting on?

Baby three is about to turn one, and I’m still sure that just one more would be a great idea.

How exciting! Is your husband on board? Would you go for it soon?

I'm slowly sliding towards having a fourth! As soon as I had my third, I said I was done. Think I struggled with the stress at the end of my pregnancy so it was such a relief when the baby arrived safely. But my husband is still keen and while the finances put me off, I don't want to decide against a fourth for financial reasons (especially as we already have the car and house). Telling work would definitely be embarrassing but I can't plan my family around work. I think I've really appreciated having a baby this time and have truly recognised that everything is a phase. So, while it'll put everything on hold again for 2 years, I know that it's temporary. I'm aiming to get some of my life back when I hit 40!

Your family sounds lovely. The thing I'm most surprised about is that you were having sex a few weeks after giving birth when you had 4DC.
[Actually impressed rather than surprised!]

To be honest, if you were mad enough to go for a third you may as well just keep going 🤣🤣

My friend has 4 and don’t get me wrong, she is absolutely exhausted, but she loves the craziness!!!

She says she is done now……but I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if a 5th one comes along!

I know finances shouldn't be that important... But I do think you need to consider it, especially in this day and age. I'm not talking maternity leave or nursery costs but long term costs. 4 kids affects everything from the price of hire cars on holiday to study costs to buying food! Cost of living is going up, redundancies too. Plus it's harder and harder to get a job for young people, and even if they do, it's too expensive to move out. You may be supporting them for quite some time. These are longer term financial considerations.