Talk me out of wanting a 4th child

[3or4ormore]

I’m 36, husband 37. We had our 3rd baby a couple of weeks ago. Older children are 4 and 2.

I swore that this would be our final baby. But now, I’m not so sure. I know that it would be silly to have another for all sorts of reasons. I’m too old, my poor career, fewer resources and less time for each child. But, still...

Please talk me into having a coil fitted! 😂

Ahhh, lovely! It sounds like you and your husband are both on board!

My husband would love a fourth child, but is probably more concerned about the potential risks (in terms of complications of pregnancy and childbirth) than I am. I don’t want to try and swing his decision so am leaving it in his hands for now.

Financially, we are fortunate that it’s not a huge factor in the decision. We have the funds, space and time for a fourth. Like you, I do worry about how people (work and family and friends) would react to a fourth pregnancy - but I’m sure I could get over this.

@3or4ormore why have you posted in larger families? You know what everyone here will say! The rest of us shudder at 3 or 4! They don’t fit in the car. They might have to share a room. Lack of earnings and the cost! Lack of time for each child and juggling schools and clubs! You haven’t got there yet! Lack of help and having to do it all! No thanks. And that’s leaving out holiday nightmares and logistics!

I suppose I’m after some biased opinions to encourage me! 😂

Also, I’m not especially keen to be shot down in flames for daring to have a third. I can’t really send any of them back.

Haha I love this OP!! You’ve posted in the right board. I have three and dream of four (but won’t because my husband struggles with patience with three!!)

My DH is definitely keener than me. He is trying not to put pressure on but sometimes it feels a bit passive - I would rather he was vocalising his position more so it felt worth it rather than leaving the decision to me.

I get the concerns over pregnancy/childbirth/age. Feels like rolling the dice again. I've had good births as well (first was a good EMCS and then two quick VBACs) so would be gutting to have a trickier delivery.

Agree on getting over other people's opinions. Ultimately, it's not their life. My in laws raised an eyebrow with our third. My parents can't complain because they had 4 😂All my friends know I'm contemplating a 4th (they all have 1 or 2) so wouldn't be a surprise. Do you have a deadline in your mind for deciding?

@3or4ormore No you cannot send 3 back but you have a choice over 4. What’s your car like? Are you well off? Most people I know with 4 are wealthy.

4 dc: no option regarding cars (they need to be safe). Logistics and holidays are fulL on. Also they always have a nanny and help in the home. It’s like managing a business. Some other families really struggle and dc are always being farmed out to others for lifts, picking up from clubs, and don’t get parent watching sport because parent always has another dc to deal with.

To me, it totally depends on money and help and whether older dc will get what they need. Who will you lean on? For most people I know, preserving their own lives and standard of living trumps a big family.

If you still want another right now when you’re in the trenches of newborn then go for ti’

I’ve got 3 and we’d only planned 2. I’m at my limit with 3 personally financially and practically and so for those reasons I wouldn’t have a 4th (too old now anyway) and I’d have a huge gap.
HOWEVER everyone is different - do what you want to do and don’t factor in what other people might think as this is all about you

I'm a lot older than you and have 2 grown up children. I really wanted a third but as my marriage didn't work out I never managed to have another one. I still wonder after all this time what it would have been like to have a third. I think if you love having children which you obviously do and finances aren't an issue, if you have a solid relationship go for it.
Sadly I never remarried, I have 2 great kids and grandkids but I still wonder how it would have been.

It does slightly mystify me that decisions are made on what parents want, but little attention is paid to
logistics and management so all dc get a lot of attention and equal attention and no dc end up as “mummy’s helper”.

We aren’t made of money but we are lucky to be totally fine - private schools and homes abroad type of situation.

Car and home are big enough. We don’t have a nanny at the moment but probably would consider either a nanny or housekeeper if we had a fourth child, just to have an extra pair of adult hands to keep on top of things. I think we are pretty good at ensuring that all three children get lots of attention and love - we certainly prioritise family time more than many smaller families I know, so I don’t think it’s a given that children in bigger families miss out. Obviously it’s a risk - but maybe the parents just really love parenting?!

4th could be twins. Happened to a friend. How do you feel about having five children?

I am 39, due next month with our 4th. My DC are 5, 3 and 1. This was a kind of planned (as in we talked about it and liked the romantic idea of it) but equally it was an accident as it came a bit too soon for us, however I will say after DC3 I did have the initial thoughts like you, I couldn’t shift it for months. When I did fall pregnant it was actualy a different feeling than I had thought it would be in the previous months. All I could think about is how we can manage with 4 small children. I am career driven and my career has taken a knock which I now have to accept for a year or 2 to get back on track, but the juggle is unreal.

Longer term these small age gaps will the worth it and I look forward to the busy household when every one is self sufficient but I am absolutely shattered
now. No time for naps late in pregnancy, it’s flying by and I haven’t had much time to myself.

We have also had to buy a van which I am not too thrilled about. Buying a car for a young family of 6 is not easy, most SUVs do not make the car seat situation easy.

good luck, but I think your thoughts are hormonal (as were mine). You need to think very pragmatically about a 4th.

That would be tough, definitely. I can’t imagine how hard twins must be at any point.

This thread is on larger families
sounds like your only on here to comment unnecessary things

I’m so confused by some comments on this post, why are people who don’t have bigger families on this thread in the first place, especially when your so against big families.
people post for support and advice.

im 37, I have 5 children (21,18,16,13,10)
my youngest is disabled
we had an unplanned pregnancy in January, it was a shock but decided to roll with it. Everyone in the family was delighted but sadly lost our baby, our children were devastated they were getting another sibling. As a family we thought about it and decided to actually try again and I’m currently 5+3.
our house is full of love.
we don’t ask help from anyone and our children have never been asked to look after their siblings.
maybe I’m old fashioned, but there’s nothing more full filling in life than raising children to be kind, thoughtful caring members of society. Being a stay at home mum and looking after everyone is something I love to do.

Of course it’s completely up to you but I always think about how much time you can dedicate to that number of children. Even if a sahp there’s only so many hours in the day after kids finish school and you / your partner will need to spend time making food, cleaning, life admin etc. there’s going to be limited time for one on one time with children. In hindsight I had a lot of teenage woes that my mum and dad had to help me with (mainly my mum)

also if your kids have extra curricular activities the chances are you won’t be able to go to their stuff as you/ your partner will have to split yourself across 4. Not to mention the costs etc.

I suppose the final thing I’d think about is whether you could cope with a 4th child that may have additional needs and what impact that could have on your existing children particularly taking into account your age. Of course that could always happen no matter your age or number of children but it would be particularly difficult with and on 3 existing children.

thats not to say it’s wrong to have 4 children but I was always happy to have one sibling as my parents energy was balanced between the two of us and even now we are adults they have to balance across us both and any future children we have.

congrats on your new baby and good luck whatever you decide

My advice is to let this new baby settle in and find the routine and then these feelings may settle. I remember this feeling and it did pass but then again I’m only just now on my second pregnancy so you’ve been through this before! Xx

Baby is one now!

You're. You mean you're. OP wanted to be talked out of it. It's a social media thread, not a private club. There are too many people on the planet, I agree. These comments are valid.

I only look at active threads. No idea what category they are in. Perhaps the PP does the same.

This ^^

Oh wow
Does it make you feel better correcting someone’s spelling/grammar 🙄
get over yourself

Thai is untrue. By the end of this year the deaths in the UK will exceed the birth rate. Birth rates are dropping and the population is getting older so we all need to do our bit.

Actually @Bumblebeehee I meant in terms of human impact to the planet. I, personally am alarmed at what’s already happening in terms of climate impact and destruction of the natural world - and what is to come.

In 1927, there were 2 billion humans. Today, there are 8.2 billion. We’re currently in a sixth mass extinction event - and let’s not kid ourselves that we are a major, if not the main reason, for this.

There are too many humans on this planet. So no, we should not be producing more humans

So no one should have kids then humans go instinct 🤨