Why is 4 too many?

[GunesM]

Hi so just yesterday i posted on the loss group of my heartbreak at looseing my very plannee 4th due to mmc at 9 weeks me and sh are heart-broken and i asked for advice as i have a 16 14 and 10 year old older ones are independent and sometimes i try to mother them too much still find it hard to let them go i had a hard time during those few weeks with anxiety of the reality of starting over but it is what i had wanted for years i felt some of the replies i recieved were an attack on why would anyone want 4 and how unfair it may be on the older 3 etc this has made me very emotional especially after the heartbreak of last week so id like to ask hoe you guy's on the larger family group feel is 4 too many is it selfish of us to consider? I am a work from home mum always have been and there for my boys 24/7 i am now 37 so feel this is my last few years to make the decsion hence why we went ahead I still feel i want a 4th the pg loss hasen't changed my view and i have time patience and a need to nuture another

If you think it’s right for your family that’s all that matters. 4 is a lot but as you say your older ones are independent. It’s unusual because of cars and house sizes etc but do what is right for your family x

I am sorry for your loss.
Women are vicously nasty especially when we can hide our ID.

two key questions

what is your marriage like
what is your financial situation

if the above two aren’t both very strong and have been like that for a long time - then NO

You don’t mention a partner
once

I’m really sorry for your loss, OP. Being a mother to 4 is wonderful so just ignore them

Op i remember your last thread

and you conveyed your PP depression in MUCH more serious terms on the other thread and said you “made my DH’s life hell”

Happily married for 18 years and this loss has brought us even closer than we ever were before. Financially comfortable and able to provide all our children there needs.

I mean its absolutely your choice.
Not sure why you'd get shit for it especially if you arent expecting taxpaters to foot the bill.

The only reason i can think of based on your post here is older ones education maybe?
we have a lot of very disrupted nights and fractured sleep ( 8m and 2.5 yr old😵‍💫) If you have older children sitting gcses or 11+ maybe its to do with that? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also think post covid people are meaner both on here and RL not sure why

Edit: this is where you tell us the baby.would be with you in a separate wing as you live in a gorgeous mansion 😅

Also i had my oldest at 38... you do have (some) tìme 💐

this is a complete contradiction to what you wrote in other threads that “financially would be a struggle” and your other children wouldn’t be able to do all they do, and, well i could go on.

I will leave the thread. This is an OP in a very vulnerable mental health state

sometimes i try to mother them too much still find it hard to let them go

This is absolutely not a reason to have another child.

I understand 4 seems alot to many but we are in a position we had ours young and close in age so for us we had always said one more later on when the other 3 are more independent. We are fortunate we moved into a 4 bedroom large property last year so space was no longer an issue hence why we started to ttc when we moved in last march.

It only is this side of the globe, in other cultures not at all. Just depends on who is judging 😅

My nan had 9 😅

I'm sorry about your mms :( I had a few before my second and people would shrug and say you already have one. That hurt:(
It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, loss is loss.

Yes and to further questions i replied in more detail my hormonal rages caused a few rows and outbursts which i cant say didnt happen with the first 3 during first trimester i just feel as it was 10 year's since the last time i experience those hormonal rages it was more like a first pg in that i didn't know how to cope with them so took it out on dh and felt I needed a little more reassurance from him.

Sorry for your koss OP.
I personally wouldn't want lots of children (more than 2 is 'my' lots), and also would think that last age gap a tad large tbh (2 older/2 younger can work better in some cases), but we're all different.
Folk don't need to be nasty, but some choose to, sadly.

Happily married for 18 years we have a very strong bond and this loss has brought us closer again while we try to support eachother

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the less supportive posts.

I'm from a larger family. The upsides from my experience are....

Having siblings when you are older. A broader group, with nephews and nieces for your child(den) to have as family.

The downsides were too little money, too little space, too little love or attention, a mother who was only interested in the baby stage and who lost interest in us at age 4 or 5.

If you have the financial and emotional resources to give a fourth child everything they need in the long term, then what anyone else thinks is completely irrelevant. Good luck with any new attempt.

@GunesM sorry for your loss

The needs of the older three who are close in age will be different go a new baby who will essentially grow up as an only child.

Can you support all your existing chikdren through university whilst paying childcare costs for the fourth? I appreciate there will be a gap for the fourth one to attend uni

And i fully respect anyones life choices on the number of children they decide to have its very individual situation we had always wanted to make the decsion sooner but our property was too small for a 4th then our older 3 are priority so it ended up being once we moved to a larger house we started ttc and youngest happens to be 10 yes it does make you doubt your choice as you really are starting over but personally thats a nice thing as i never got to fully take in the first 3 due to them being so close 3rd was a suprise

You live in a 4 bedroom house so your 3 children are used to having their own space. So one of them will have to share their room with a toddler. 10 years is a very big age gap, but 16 is a huge age gap.

I think the response is because nowadays 4 is a lot. With 2 you reproduce yourselves, any more are 'extra'.

The age gap is very big too. A new baby would be an only child effectively. The older siblings will be adults while he/she is a little child.

Plus the financial side. We have found it expensive to put DC through university. These years are much more expensive than the early years. DD is in her final year at university, so we are looking forward to planning retirement in a few years. If we'd had 4, I don't think we'd ever be able to retire!

Sorry for your loss OP. Here’s hoping to a rainbow 🌈

Forget what anyone thinks. If you can support and nurture another then you do you, life is far too short to but what you want on the back burner.

We have friends whose older children were in the higher high school years when they had two more children and their bond is amazing.

We are on 3 and we would love a 4th someday! ❤️

I wasn't criticising you, just showing how we can have a different opinion but still be kind and supportive.

I mean this in a kind way too - please try to use some punctuation, because it's really hard to read otherwise.

I don't think anyone should purposefully have more children than they can comfortably handle whether that be 1, 2, 4, 6 or 10. By comfortably handle I mean has sufficient housing, finances and emotional reserves to give them, and their current children a good life.

If you do not have robust MH. If another child would adversely effect the quality of life and standard of living of the children you already have. If another child means the current children will be disturbed during key moments in their education. If another child will put undue stress on your marriage. Then having an additional child would not benefit the wider family. Financially 4 is an awkward number as you need a whole different type of car. Housing wise it's trickier still as the older children if not currently sharing may well resent having to do so or putting a baby in with older children who are on the cusp of independence is unfair too so unless you have a huge house the age gap and bedroom situation is difficult and there is no guarantee the older one will move out permanently anytime soon.

You sound very vulnerable, if you have had PP and previously made DH life hell and you are struggling to cut the apron strings of the older children counselling might be more appropriate rather than another baby.

I suspect that the loss support group felt you were being insensitive. They probably didn't think you needed to mention your other living children.

Hello OP I posted on your other thread and I felt some of the replies were unnecessarily cruel and centred on the fact you were going for a 4th child rather than the fact you'd lost a baby and your husband didn't want TTC again

I had a thread recently which got derailed - it was completely non related topic to how many children I have but people kept posting how I chose to have twins 🤔 biology lesson required there I feel

I think MN is very much a one and done or 2 children world - I often feel that those that post harsh comments fixated about the number of children a poster might have either
A) secretly always wanted more children than they have
B) can't cope with their 1 or 2 children and are jealous/envious of those of us who seemingly cope with more

Only you know your own circumstances and if you have the capacity physically emotionally mentally and financially to have more children - especially when you are in a stable seemingly loving relationship with the father of your children - you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone