Why is 4 too many?

[GunesM]

Hi so just yesterday i posted on the loss group of my heartbreak at looseing my very plannee 4th due to mmc at 9 weeks me and sh are heart-broken and i asked for advice as i have a 16 14 and 10 year old older ones are independent and sometimes i try to mother them too much still find it hard to let them go i had a hard time during those few weeks with anxiety of the reality of starting over but it is what i had wanted for years i felt some of the replies i recieved were an attack on why would anyone want 4 and how unfair it may be on the older 3 etc this has made me very emotional especially after the heartbreak of last week so id like to ask hoe you guy's on the larger family group feel is 4 too many is it selfish of us to consider? I am a work from home mum always have been and there for my boys 24/7 i am now 37 so feel this is my last few years to make the decsion hence why we went ahead I still feel i want a 4th the pg loss hasen't changed my view and i have time patience and a need to nuture another

I'm sorry for your loss; and sorry too if you've been on the receiving end of harsh and unkind criticism.

The one thing which jumps out at me though is you saying you 'mother' the older ones too much, which suggests you want another baby because you enjoy the baby and little child bits. Children of 16, 14 and 10 do still need mothering - but you need to adapt as they grow older and tune into what they need from you, not 'keeping them young' to meet your needs.

Personally I think that's why big age gaps are difficult - not just because of the very different stages the children are at, but because mum and dad have to parent very differently. Of course all children are different and need you to tune into who they are but with a little gang close in age, I do think it's emotionally easier (though physically demanding - we had 3 under five)

At the end of the day, it's what you and your dh believe is right for your family, taking into account the needs of your existing children and of course the practicalities of money, space etc. But I can see from what you wrote in your OP that part of your reasoning seems to be a yearning for the baby/ young child part which ultimately is a very short phase. Your children will be adults for far longer than they'll be kids!

On your other thread you said your DH didn't want to try again. And that should be it. There is no compromise on this.

It also came across that being a mother was your whole focus. People were concerned about this aspect. It's not a good reason to bring a child into the world. Plus when does it stop?

You need time to grieve and work through your feelings. At the moment you are in the horrible face of a loss and are very fragile. I am very sorry for your loss but I don't think any of what you said points to having a 4th just at the moment.

There is an academic argument as set on here, but that's different to your real life situation.

@Teateaa. When DC were at nursery the fees were £750 a month, full time. Obviously prices have gone up. DC get about £8-9,000 a year which is a lot. Presumably the cost of living for university students also go up during the lifetime of the child.

I was just pointing out that DC don't get cheaper as they get older.

Some mothers particularly relish the baby and very early years, and there's a risk they can find it hard to let that go, and want another baby to meet their own need to re-live that era.

I would never claim to be the perfect parent (who is?) but I do think being a good parent is about growing and adapting to your children's changing needs and trying hard not to glorify one phase as if it's the be all and end all. I must say, this is where marketing doesn't help.... you see millions of cliche and idyllic images of babyhood , whereas older children tend to be stereotyped as more difficult. It's true in some ways that it's more difficult when you have to relinquish control... I mean when they're a baby, you control every second of their life, but parenting is about gradually relinquishing control and letting them blossom into themselves.

If you want another baby because you want a baby - well, to be honest, that feeling may never end. You could have 4,5 or 6 babies and still feel that urge to do it all over again.

The only good reason for having another child is that you and your partner 100% agree that another person will be a positive thing for everyone in the family, that you won't be compromising your existing children's lives and of course it should go without saying that you can afford it, you have the space, and have factored in future costs.

I agree. I have two kids at uni and I earn less than £18,000 PA. My kids both get a bursary of £500 / year. They also get a loan but it’s not even enough to pay the fees for halls ( self catering in an inexpensive city outside the south east ) .

One has a part time job but the other has additional needs so can’t cope with a job on top of course work.

So no, you don’t have to be a top earner to have to support your kids through university.

Yes I was married and financially secure - until he ran off with his mistress taking our savings with him.

And yes I did work outside the home, all through my marriage, but my career and pension were badly affected by having to go PT to care for my SN child and of course doing all the housework and child care to support my husband’s career and his working evenings and weekends ( which turned out to be shagging other women ).

And yes I did apply to the child maintenance service for child support but my ex quit his job, went “ self employed “ and suddenly went from earning a six figure salary to earning practically nothing ( after he’s put all his profits into his pension and paid his shareholders of course ). Last year I got £14 for one child and the year before I got £92 for two. That’s per year, not per week ).

So my advice to the OP is don’t have a 4th child unless you personally can earn enough to support all 4 children yourself . Because it’s very easy for men to leave and do nothing for their kids and pay nothing. No one thinks it will happen to them. Everyone’s marriage is secure until it’s not 😢

OP, your posting style is weird. Every other post is a badly spelled rambling stream of conscience interspersed with properly written ones.

🤔

Hi, really sorry for your loss. People do tend to make unkind comments on here if you have lots of children regardless of context - I have 5. The fact is you lost a baby and that is really devastating.

I have 4 I loved every minute of them growing up.

4 children in one family when we are facing environmental catastrophe and a very uncertain future in many respects, is utter madness to me. The planet is vastly overpopulated, the cost of bringing up 4 is so high and I just feel that two adults' attention is spread so thinly across 4 children.

I would caution that life can get very expensive when they hit 18. I don't think it's fair to limit the eldest's life choices because of a new sibling. Can you afford the support if your eldest and middle child both choose university at the same time and childcare? We had a total household income of £72k and got only the minimum loan for my two, at university at the same time!

It may seem unfair but it's just facts of life, university loans are means tested and having a younger sibling doesn't mitigate

Hi! How did you go? Did you decide to try again? I'm just going to give my opinion here as a mother of a very large family. My older kids cope very well with my very young kids in fact 2 of my eldest kids moved out but still visit and have a great bond with the younger siblings, all my kids shared a room until they got to their teens and of course we shuffled everyone around so older kids had their own space. To me I think its crazy that people think 4 kids is a huge number. I am from Australia and it's not unheard of to be a parent to 4 to 5 kids and still be classed as a normal size family. I have 10 living children, my brother has 5 children, 2 of my best friends have 5 children, another friend of mine has 5 children and I have another with 4 children, this is the normal for me. If you can emotionally, physically and mentally also financially support more children then go for it. My husband runs his own business, our kids don't miss out on anything, they have our time, full support, love and attention, they also go out places, have extra curricular activities, they wear brand name clothing, perfumes all the things not that kids need that what so ever as in the clothing and all. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, it's between you and your husband and no one else and no one at all has the right to judge you on your life and your choices. I also want to say I'm very sorry for your loss, it's a very hard reality to overcome and I'm sorry no one supported you with that. People can be so rude and hurtful.