Why is 4 too many?

[GunesM]

Hi so just yesterday i posted on the loss group of my heartbreak at looseing my very plannee 4th due to mmc at 9 weeks me and sh are heart-broken and i asked for advice as i have a 16 14 and 10 year old older ones are independent and sometimes i try to mother them too much still find it hard to let them go i had a hard time during those few weeks with anxiety of the reality of starting over but it is what i had wanted for years i felt some of the replies i recieved were an attack on why would anyone want 4 and how unfair it may be on the older 3 etc this has made me very emotional especially after the heartbreak of last week so id like to ask hoe you guy's on the larger family group feel is 4 too many is it selfish of us to consider? I am a work from home mum always have been and there for my boys 24/7 i am now 37 so feel this is my last few years to make the decsion hence why we went ahead I still feel i want a 4th the pg loss hasen't changed my view and i have time patience and a need to nuture another

@amothersinstinct said:
"I think MN is very much a one and done or 2 children world - I often feel that those that post harsh comments fixated about the number of children a poster might have either
A) secretly always wanted more children than they have
B) can't cope with their 1 or 2 children and are jealous/envious of those of us who seemingly cope with more."

While there may be a few folk who fit under that umbrella, I don't think it's true of the majority at all. Lots of folk only want one or two, are happy with their 'lot', and know it works practically for them.

Just to add a different view of the age gap, that's pretty much the gap me and my siblings have, 4 of us 3 older (I'm the 3rd) the youngest is 10 years younger than me, and 15 years between 1st and 4th siblings. We had a great upbringing and yes obviously we had a different sibling relationship as children we loved looking after and playing with her however now as adults we are incredibly close and myself and youngest have children similar ages as she had children in her 20s, me in my 30s. A big age gap can be a blessing it was for us.

OP, I didn't see the first thread, but from what you and others are saying I can see you are going through disbelief and anger as part of the grief process.
Lashing out at what people said in another thread because you didn't like the responses isn't going to change anything.
Try focusing on the present. Either through talking with loved ones online or start a thread about pregnancy loss.
I'm sorry for your loss x

That's the fundamental issue with the Internet. You need/want/deserve empathy and sympathy and you get judged instead.
Fwiw I had a much wanted and planned pregnancy with my husband, then of 17 years, when our eldest were teens. I had endless comments, views and opinions. Usually "congratulations but......"

I still have lots of time love and patience and a want to share that with another child if this isn't a realistic reason can someone explain for what reason we have children in the first place

I haven't read your other thread, so am not influenced by that. What I see here is a woman who is dealing with the grief of a miscarriage and who wants another baby at this point in her life.
The decision to have a fourth child is for you and your husband to make. We have four children and are so grateful that we did every day. It was quite common when mine were young though, whereas now it's much less usual.
Of course there are downsides.
We are certainly not well off now, my children didn't have lovely clothes, the best holidays, multiple clubs etc and our attention was obviously more diluted; however, they are now all successful adults who thankfully get on well and remember their childhood as a happy one.
As far as the age gap is concerned I think teenagers might actually love a much younger sibling because it would divert attention from what they were up to! I also think large age gaps between siblings seems to work well from what I've seen.
I'm very sorry about your mmc and wish you all the best if you decide to go for a fourth.

Yes i agree but a loss is a loss no matter how many children we have or don't have it doesn't make the journey through the heartbreak any easier I feel.

Im so sorry for your loss, any loss regardless of how far along or number of earth side children is horrible. People can have as many children they want if they can provide physically and emotionally for them.

I was from a big family and my person issue is my parents didn’t have enough emotionally to spread around. I’m low contact with my family now but that doesn’t mean your situation would be the same OP.

I would try some counselling before ttc again make sure your mental health is a good as your physical health.

Thank-you for a positive point of view. I have friends with 2 who have so much money to throw away on there children and there very spoilt don't know how to appreciate a family trip because they can have what they want when they want. But they lack half the love and time that a child requires so much more than financial fulfilment

Sorry for your loss. You still have time agewise to try for another if that feels right.

I think the big age gap makes it harder on all siblings. Your older 3 have each other - the youngest essentially grows up like an only child with no siblings their own age to play with and no common interests for family days out.

I have 3 - 16, 14 & 7 so a 9 and 7 year age gap to the youngest and at times I wish my youngest had been a twin or I'd had another close in age as they are desperate for a sibling close in age like all their friends as the older ones are obviously out with their friends a lot and on holidays the older 2 have each other and youngest is left out. It's hard - so think about that kind of thing.

I still get broody occasionally and I'm same age as you so technically could go again but I wouldn't as I know I'd have the age gap issue again and 4 is a lot! We also have a 4 bed house so currently they all have their own room but another would mean someone has to share.... no teen/tween wants to share with a toddler who is going to be into all their stuff and be a pain when they have friends over etc. Just some things to consider.... it is hard to go back to baby stage when yours are independent and you are 10+ years older than you were last time!

I belive a post from the week i first discovered pg was reality and flight or fight mode kicked in initial shock I had a million question's run through my head is there a single parent in the world that feels there children have had all they need. My dr said to me a mother that feels these doubts is a mother full of love and ambition to give her children the best and from that point i adjusted this was my natural motherly instinct taking over to nuture and protect the ones I have and the one that was hopefully joining.

I agree with the age gap being too large, but putting a child through university will be nowhere near as expensive as a child through Nursery. If someone receives the bare minimum maintenance loan then that means their parents have high salaries and can afford to give their child extras. Nursery is about £300 a week full time and you wouldn't be giving a young person that at university.

The bigger ones would be old enough to cope. They don't need their mother's constant attention.

I know a number of families with 4+ kids where they're much more evenly spaced in age and they all do fine, and I would think have one little one and three older ones is probably much easier.

The thing is OP when women are giving advice on here, I think they give it from their own perspective, which to a degree, is fair enough.

For example I have one child by choice, the lifestyle we have and the things we want to do mean that the idea of 4 children, to me, is horrendous - but so is 2 or 3!

You and your family are unique, your plans and desires, needs and wants are unique to you and so long as you're not relying on the state to support a large family then it has nothing to do with anyone else how you choose to live your life.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Animals have an inate 'urge' to reproduce, humans included. It is influenced by a variety of factors and experiences, and, of course, the intensity varies within the population.

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm sure your hormones are all over the place at the moment, I had a d&c in between mine and found it emotionally tough. I have 4 and we love the dynamic. It's crazy but fun. The only issue I would see is your 4th practically being an only child as such due to the age gap. I find only children are hard to entertain, always need your attention as nobody to play with (niece was an only) If you do have a singleton maybe you'll need to be prepared for the possibility of having a fifth!!

Very sorry your loss.

The reason I personally think a 4th would be selfish is not the number per se hut the age gap. Your kids are at an age now when what they need from you is different from when they were small. They want and need a mum who can guide them through adolescence and early adulthood, help choose exam subjects, college and uni courses, help navigate older friendships, do more grown up stuff on holiday, have grown up days out.
Not pushing a pram, changing nappies, being exhausted from sleep deprivation and tending to the needs of a baby/toddler.

Also agree with this 100%
If someone can't cope with 2 they are sure to tell you that you are insane to have 4. All based on their own perspective. Some of us enjoy having children more than others also. A lot of people feel that they are missing out on life because of their dcs.

Very unkind for people to make those comments in that circumstance. A loss is a loss.

Appreciate this view thank-you. I always knew i wanted a 4th so i could individualise the time and attention i had to give it though as with my first 3 they were all babies at once so neither them or me got true fulfilment of time and attention.

less than 24 hours ago on your other thread you post * I have no idea if when it's would be safe to ttc again but as dh is no longer keen feel i cant even think about it but*

Sorry for your loss. To answer your question there was a recent thread on here and the poster eventually admitted she would need additional benefits to be able to afford her fourth child which I think posters thought you were alluding to when you referred to financial struggles of a 4th. It's seen very differently if you're wealthy and not reliant on the state to have a large family.

Siblings won't always get along though, while I have some good memories with my older sibling they also made my life hell a lot of the time and so being an only would have been more pleasant!

There is no right answer that works for everyone.
Based on some other comments on the thread I'm confused about some things OP us saying tbh.

3 weeks ago

Financially we would struggle my other 3 would have to forfeit things for us to make this work

FGS