Deflated by opinions on mumsnet

[Lwrenn]

Clearly, we only have more than 2 children to claim child benefit, to fill empty voids in our hearts and because we have subpar intelligence and no careers, money, opinions or worthy input of our own.

Or we had gender disappointment.
We weren't responsible enough to take our pill correctly or use condoms.
We're environmentally selfish. We're participating in the failure of the NHS by having such large and burdensome families.
We are financially irresponsible, we don't effectively manage our time to ensure the needs of our children are met.
Our children must have nothing but clothes that are recycled from the 80s and live in shoes with holes in, they'll loose their teeth at sixteen due to negligence and they smell of raw sewage because the timely task of attending to our children's hygiene is lost on us as we sit and idly push parenting tasks onto our older DC to raise our babies for us.
Our kids eat nothing but frozen chips, cheap sausages and ketchup is the only 1 of the 5 a day offered because we clearly couldn't understand nutrition if we've had more than 2 dc.
(Ketchup being 1 of 5 a day is a joke. Just because someone will say how idiotic I am to suggest a good dollop of Tommy k consists of any nutritional Value!)

Anyone else feeling a bit defensive or am I just due a period?

I'm not going to justify myself and say how I raise my children but they're the happiest kids who absolutely thrive in a larger family. They have time with us individually whenever they need it and want for nothing. They even eat 5 fruits and veggies a day and my eldest is 18 next year and not one of my kids has needed a single filling. I know parents of 1 kid who's teeth won't last their 20s and I can say hand on heart I've genuinely tried repeatedly to help that mum.
Well I justified a bit.

I just feel deflated.
I worked tough Jobs since I was 15.
I've had horrific pregnancies and traumatising losses. I've been pregnant spanning 3 decades to bring my children into the world.
I'm sick of reading my children are filling a void, I just have no family outside of my kids, no cousins, siblings. I wanted them to have a life of love and company. They have that and now I feel guilty 🙄

Thank you! You're right. Definitely being over sensitive. 💐

4 isn't that many.
I stopped when I knew we couldn't really afford more, as money is a priority and I want to give existing DC a good and comfortable start in life. That includes paying for their first car, Uni fees and house deposit. I couldn't do that x4 (or more!). Yes they won't have the love, fun and support that multiple siblings can bring and that's a shame, I'd love to give them that too.

It's all about priorities and compromise.

Different people have different ideas on every single topic. Difference of opinion is no bad thing and this is just another topic. Sure people don't judge you in real life.

I do agree with you OP, it can make you feel really shitty at times

Tbh you do see it on any and every thread about "should I have a third/fourth?" Lots of posters on here are vocally astounded that anyone can have three or more children and give them enough time, love, enrichment activities...and that's before you get onto the dire warnings about not being able to afford 3x uni fees, driving lessons, "hefty house deposit", etc. I've seen those of us with 3+ children described as selfish, stealing from our older children, putting our "need for a baby" above our older children's needs, and much worse! OP's post seemed very very familiar to me, I think you notice it more when it's aimed at you

I think my family's amazing and I don't doubt having three was right for us (and I'd have 4 if my body would cooperate), but reading too much of it does get to you a bit in the way that I'm sure someone having a go at childfree by choice/'one and done' families does too if that's your situation.

OP, fwiw I think you're a hero for having 4 and I'm sure you've done a wonderful job with them. My mum is one of 7 and the extended family now is huge and a really lovely, joyful extended network of people and relationships. I bet my gran and grandad would be very proud to see what they put in train

Sounds the perfect to me. I wanted 3, but it didn't work out - none at all.

Wishing you and your lovely family the best.

@WearyAuldWumman thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words x

you have 2 children! I was on your thread yesterday (about whether to go for a third!) @wonderfulthingabouttiggersis

I’m aware of how many children I have? They came out of me… not sure what point you’re making

Like I tell my child, just because someone says something, doesn't mean it's true or worth listening to

The mums with larger families who I know personally are those who've suffered previous traumatic losses and are devoted parents.
As one of eight DC, including one adopted DB, I wouldn't choose it myself, nor did any of my siblings but it's not anyone else's business.

I do wonder if losses have made me subconsciously want more children actually, maybe there is a biological reason. I find humans very interesting x

@IneedAbiggerWindchime
Startingagainandagain · Today 09:41
I really don't think that it is large families with well behaved kids they can financially support that people have an issue with OP.

''It is about the type of people who have several kids with different partners when they know full well they can't afford to look after them without the help of the benefit system/social housing and who can't be arsed to raise their kids properly , which is quite different...''

''Yes, that's a problem, but what are you going to do when the kids are here? Sorry, you don't get to eat because of a situation you didn't choose to be born into?''

Well, even if you gave these parents more in benefits there is no guarantee that the money would be spent on the kids.

So I much prefer to see better funding for schools so kids can get free breakfast/lunch there and a a decent education so they can improve their life changes. And also funding for projects that provide after school activities for kids. Not to mention a better job centre system that helps these parents get into work/earn enough to feed their kids.

We can’t win, OP. It’s wrong to have one child as they’ll be spoilt/lonely, wrong to have lots of kids as you can’t afford them/will struggle to care for them, wrong to have a large age gap as they’ll have nothing in common, wrong to have small age gap as you won’t be able to give both of them the attention they need. If you have two of the same sex you need to have another one to complete the set. If you have two of different sexes they won’t share any interests.

It’s amazing anyone has kids at all.

Are you one for hyperbole in RL?

does this not imply you are in a similar boat to the OP?

Four children is considered 'large' now?

Lol. The economy really is crap. I guess it has been since 2008, hence 4 is now large.

In the 70s & 80s, 4 was standard fare. A family on my street had 6 and again that wasn't really too large. Largish. But not unusual by any means

Large back then was 8,9,10 etc.

My ex MiL had 8. My Grandma on my mother's side had 6 another had 5.

Listen I appreciate you having kids OP, I'd like to retire before 85 and I think your sacrifice in having a 'large' family will help with that. I'm sure others do as well. Personally I like large families. They're often warm.

MN isn’t real life. I’ve never once received anything but positive feedback on my family. They’re lovely and we are happy so if someone wants an opinion on how many there are, they can pick a bill to pay. Pay my mortgage, get a vote. 😂

No, but look at some of the responses on my thread, that I’m stupid fiancially, that I think children can exist on breast milk alone. I’ve also read some other similar ‘3+ children’ threads and the responses on them are brutal and uncalled for. Point is on MN you’re made to feel like shit for even contemplating more than 2 kids. So I completely understand why OP would feel that way, those replies, even when not to my own thread made me feel like shit for even wanting a third, let alone having one

Are you one for hyperbole in RL?

No, just a long term observer of mumsnet.

One of six and same. Most of us have one or none. Maybe we always want what we haven’t got …