I want a 3rd child but I am so scared

[cloudandsunshineonly]

Hi,

My heart is yearning for a 3rd, I have a boy and girl already and love the balance we have. DH and I both work FT and it would continue that way, he have a large home, bright future. My DC are happy, healthy, feel so lucky to have them and they get on well (with the odd fall out), they are at primary and preschool age.

I am however SCARED if I ruin it all with the 3rd, if that baby is somehow born unwell, or goes onto have extra needs which with 1 or 2 there would be more time to manage but with 3 would be tougher and then my eldest 2 are neglected.

I know so many families of 5 and it's what I want, those mothers however had their children younger than I did, while I focused on my career 😐.

I am mid 30s now and DH just turned 40. I try and convince myself 2 is all I need, then cry and think of what life could be like with 3. DH is onboard, he said he's happy with my decision, he is more of a happy-go-lucky person whereas I like to overthink, so getting slightly annoyed with my indecisiveness...

Not sure what my question is here, but those that has 2 are you glad you stuck with 2?

PS: I did have these 'thoughts' when trying for second (first was a surprise) but it didn't consume me as much then, it mattered more to have the second than anything else really. With the third it somehow feels like a lifeline but I don't know why!!!

I wish I had more children. No more ever came.
Have your baby. There will be challenges- but there will be challenges with 1 child or 2 children.
Have a baby

It does sound like you are overthinking it. My DH is similar - he thinks of all the things that could go wrong, not matter how remote. It took me ages to persuade him I to having a third DC. And it's lovely. She fits in beautifully. My other DCs love her. It's hard work sometimes, but I don't regret it at all. And if she had special needs I would probably say the same thing - I love having her in the family. One of the best things is that I know feel my family is finished and don't go around moping about having another child! I'd say go for it. X

I’m glad I stuck with 2. Costs mount up, parents get ill…

when you look at a family of 5, you are essentially not seeing the reality of what might be going on behind closed doors. Your mind has almost airbrushed it for you.

How old were you when you had your children and did you continue working (if you did before kids)?

Think of the wonderful set up you have now. Two healthy and happy children, a good relationship, your own home, good job, financial stability. Imagine if something upset that balance and ruined all your life’s permanently. You would kick yourself for the rest of your life.

I had my first at 34, second at 36 and third at 41. I've kept working but reduced my hours. I've just gone back to work after maternity leave and am really enjoying it.

How old are your children?
Would there be a huge gap?

Not sure what the dark inference is there? Our family of five is lovely behind closed doors, thanks.

Awww sounds like it worked out nicely. How old was your DH? Assuming these thoughts didn't consume you at all!

I have 3. 10yo DD, 3yo DD and 10wo DS. It’s been hard work so far. I wouldn’t change anything but it is tiring and challenging juggling the three of them. DS could have been born very ill as he was deprived of oxygen but we were very lucky that he seems ok so far. Not sure how we would have coped but we would have done. He’s now an incredibly chilled baby and his sisters adore him.

Definitely be 100% sure before having another.

My age gaps will be very similar! Thank you for sharing. Do you intend to continue working after mat leave?

There’s no dark inference. I said what “might” be going on. And that “might” is often total chaos. I’m the eldest of 4. I know the chaos very well.

You think that most families of five are total chaos? Based on your one family?

Yes, I will go back to work. I’ve put in a request for full time condensed to 4 days but we’ll have to see if that’s approved.

I'm one of three and now pregnant with my third, which will def be our last.

Like you I absolutely agonised over the decision of a third whereas my DH is like yours and very relaxed and optimistic. I'm having a more complicated pregnancy this time too in terms of increased risks to the baby and me which was unexpected and a shock, finding that stressful. Have just had my 20 week scan which was thankfully all fine, I was genuinely terrified something would be found on it. I was never really worried with my other two, I'm finding this pregnancy mentally a very different experience, much more difficult. I do hope I won't regret it! I am early 30s and my kids will be 6.5 and just 3 when the third is born. I work part time now but Im realistic that I may need to become a SAHM after the third because I'm a low earner so it might be tipping point where childcare costs for three outweigh my wages but that's a decision for another day. Financially it wouldn't really make any difference to us as most of my wage goes on childcare now anyway and DH who earns a lot more, could easily go back FT so it would be about the same money overall anyway.

I can understand the concern, you have what is seemingly the perfect family unit. 2 children, one boy one girl, both happy and healthy. Adding a third could change that dynamic so it's natural to have those feelings of concern.

For what its worth,I know a few families who have had /desired larger families, and most have gone on to have a healthy third child. However ,there are exceptions, I know a family who have gone through multiple miscarriages and stress trying to concede the third, and a family whose youngest child (third) was born with severe learning difficulties and needs 24/7 support and sadly in and out of hospital all the time.

There will always be that risk and it increases with age, but people often say it's what you don't do that you regret.

Thank you...

I could have written this post! I’ve been agonising over a third for a while and I’m pretty sure now that it is what I really want. My only worry is that something would happen to either me or the baby which would completely ruin the lovely family set up we have! But I feel like if we don’t try I will always wonder what if and depending down I’ve always wanted three.

How old are you and your partner? What age gaps are your children currently?

I had mine at 34,36,38 - love having 3 the dynamic is perfect for us. I trusted my body to give me healthy babies and accepted that if something went wrong then I'd be given the strength to deal with it but tbh I didn't over think it I just went for it.

I agonised for ages over this- felt like I changed my mind on a daily basis and was obsessed with threads like this. In the end we decided against. It felt like an unnecessary roll of the dice- I’m not great at being pregnant, have had risky deliveries but also felt like a gamble with the unknown health of said 3rd child. Finances played a part in knowing we’d be comfortable with two but three could be a stretch. As things have turned out, we would have financially been ok with 3. I occasionally feel pangs as I see some friends have number 3 but also mine are now so independent and fun to be with and we are a brilliant unit as a foursome. DC are now 8.5 and 6.5. Obviously we don’t have crystal balls and who knows what will happen in the future but I feel confident knowing we made this decision with our heads with the hope of being able to support and help our two DC long into adulthood and when they themselves possibly have families of their own.

How many do you have?

How old were you when deciding this if you don't mind me asking?

How did you get over it? I wish my heart would tell my to settle with my 2 but I switch from head to heart on a daily basis.

My pregnancies have been easy and we can afford a 3rd...

@Elpheba

I have a third and she's great but my life is incredibly busy and stressful.