I want a 3rd child but I am so scared

[cloudandsunshineonly]

Hi,

My heart is yearning for a 3rd, I have a boy and girl already and love the balance we have. DH and I both work FT and it would continue that way, he have a large home, bright future. My DC are happy, healthy, feel so lucky to have them and they get on well (with the odd fall out), they are at primary and preschool age.

I am however SCARED if I ruin it all with the 3rd, if that baby is somehow born unwell, or goes onto have extra needs which with 1 or 2 there would be more time to manage but with 3 would be tougher and then my eldest 2 are neglected.

I know so many families of 5 and it's what I want, those mothers however had their children younger than I did, while I focused on my career 😐.

I am mid 30s now and DH just turned 40. I try and convince myself 2 is all I need, then cry and think of what life could be like with 3. DH is onboard, he said he's happy with my decision, he is more of a happy-go-lucky person whereas I like to overthink, so getting slightly annoyed with my indecisiveness...

Not sure what my question is here, but those that has 2 are you glad you stuck with 2?

PS: I did have these 'thoughts' when trying for second (first was a surprise) but it didn't consume me as much then, it mattered more to have the second than anything else really. With the third it somehow feels like a lifeline but I don't know why!!!

I have two, and did go through a stage of wanting a third, but it just never happened, was never enough of a priority to actually do anything about it. Now mine are both school age and I'm glad we stuck at two. I find myself physically and mentally drained most days, trying to remember everything, and be a present and involved parent to both is challenging and stressful at times, and I couldn't imagine I'd cope well with a third to be honest. The general "stuff" to remember for school, who's doing what each day, spellings, homework, reading books football kits, swim kits, clubs, activities, play dates, parties, making sure they get equal opportunities, I find it all a bit much to be honest! I think the pressure and expectations on parents to be so involved with school related stuff these days is nothing like it used to be, I don't remember my mum having to do half the crap I have to! And then there will be a week everything seems to be running smoothly and something will crop up.. one of them is upset, or struggling with something, has an illness, injury, or bad day at school, and I will worry like mad. I think another one to worry about would send me over the edge. Most the mums I know with two seem to be coping okay, and the ones with three or more, on the whole seem more frazzled... often late for school, forgetting kit and equipment etc, but that could just be the mums I know. (I would definitely be like that if I had another as only just about got my head out the water with two 😅) Found it so much easier before they started school, absolutely loved the toddler and preschool years, now it just seems to be one thing after another, and because of that, I'm glad I only have two to worry about, and can be a pretty good mum to, with three I think I'd barely be able to cover the basics, would be too much of a stretch mentally and physically.

@cloudandsunshineonly I’m 36 and DH younger so age very much on our side still to have a 3rd.

I felt very much like you until it dawned on me that I could spend the rest of my life wishing I'd had a third. Also a friend who has a child with additional needs and was also trying for a third wasn't worried at all - her attitude being we coped once so we'd cope again.

Obviously I can't speak for everyone but number three has made our family. I absolutely love it.

My friend has 3- her life is chaos. She has a successful career but never has any money, needed a bigger house, a new car, another few years of nursery fees- it’s pure chaos and mess all the time. Not for me. I have two- me and my husband have our own time, they enjoy eachother but don’t have to fight for attention.

I don't think anyone would ever feel remorse for having a third child. No matter what, a child is a gift of life. Even if they are expensive, take up space, time and energy. No child is ever perfect and yes they do sometimes cause trouble and heartache! But the love that grows and expands makes them worth having.

I had three at 29, 31, 36.

Of course not but I think there can be a realisation that stopping at 2 would have meant a far easier life for the parents and existing kids in many circumstances

I think two is perfect tbh. Of course you would never regret having a third but life is certainly easier with 2 and you can give more attention to each child. Kids take up so much time between homework, sports, music, uniforms etc. I found it a lot easier when kids were young but 3 at school age involves a lot of juggling and I can only forsee it getting busier the older they get

@OnlyFoolsnMothers , yes obviously. But OP seems more worried about the intangibles for which there are no definite answers.

OP , only you can know yourself . I wish you a happy life with however many children you choose to have.

Thank you for being so kind.

I think some of this pressure I'm putting on myself is because of my cultural background and family older than me have chosen kids over career and many have 3 and loving life. I did it the other way round and now feel my window is closing, I want to feel content with 2 and not rock the boat but because I see everyone around me with 3 it makes me want a 3rd too...

I had oldest at 34, youngest at 39. Jump from 2 to 3 isn't as hard as from 1-2. Yes there was chaos at times but not any worse than family of 4 tbh. Cost wise you probably have most stuff for 1st few yrs already.
If you really want a third then go for it, we didn't think we'd be able to so was a joy to find ourselves able to have DD.

@Bibbitybobbity70 do you work while raising your three children?

I’m finding the extra cost is more upsizing. When we replace DH’s car, we need to get a bigger car to fit car seats in. Going on holiday, rooms are set up for 2 adults and 2 children. Not an issue now as DS is a baby and cosleeps but we’ll need two rooms when he gets bigger.

I’m 36 and my children are 4 and just turned 1. If we do have a third I feel like I want a smaller age gap this time as 1) I’m not getting any older and 2) I think once we get out the baby stage it will be harder to go back.

How is it now mama?

What did you end up doing?

This is literally me now! What did you decide in the end?

We decided to give it 3-4 months towards the end of last year and if I didn’t get pregnant then I would move on.

Little one arrived this summer, happy and healthy. Life is definitely busy but I do feel complete and soaking up every moment as I close this chapter in my life.

There are a few things I didn’t anticipate however, even after all the mental prep I did.

Happy to share if anyone is still active on this post…

Congratulations! Did you have a girl or a boy?

Mine are now (nearly) 12, 5 and (nearly) 2. Every day is exhausting but it’s much easier now DD2 is at school too. DS will hopefully be going to nursery in September so I might get some time back on a Monday before working Tuesday-Friday. 🤞

What did you not anticipate? I’ll be interested to know if I felt the same.

Thank you, we had a girl.

I am still on maternity leave, not sure if things will feel different when I am back at work and kids slightly older.

I mentally prepared as much as I could, thought of as many scenarios and how I’d handle them.

One thing I didn’t think about is when you have two, after you dress one, help one, or feed one, you are 50% done and you move onto the second child - both therefore settled with their need at the time quite efficiently. With three, you are only a 3rd of the way done, then move onto next child and still not done and then onto the 3rd but before you know it the 1st child needs something now. I just always feel busy. Easier when my husband is home.

I do get a bit of a break during school hours as both of mine older children are school age.

Yeah, I understand the feeling constantly busy. It’s trying to keep track of 3 people’s needs and routines. Like every night, I have to decide which bedtime to sort first between the toddler and the 5yo as it’s dependent on when the toddler napped and what time the 5 year old woke up.

Making sure they’re all clean and the right clothes are washed ready and the right ones have packed lunches for the next day. What time does the 12yo need to leave today? Just takes all of my brain power. 😂

I am 21wks pregnant now with our 3rd....a little boy 😊 Will be nice to have a different gender experience after 3 girls.We conceived on one random spontaneous time of unprotected sex, so was abit of a shock at first having the decision made so suddenly after being on the fence for a couple of years!
But once we have got used to the idea and since our first scan it has just felt right, and our girls are super excited!

I’ve got 3.
DCs 1 & 2 were somewhat planned - just didn’t think I’d fall pregnant on the first try both times, so they are really close in age. DC3 was absolutely not planned. The result of a drunken family party and a contraception oopsie 🫠
I was terrified at first of how I’d cope with 3 DC’s under 4, but DC3 was born and slotted into the family like she’d always been there. All the of them get on so well, but DC3 and DC2 are particularly close.
Once you have a third, the obvious practicalities become harder - you’ll need a bigger car, and finding a car that fits 3 car seats limits your options unless you get a 7-seater. Days out etc will always be more expensive, holiday packages have families of 4 in mind for the most part, 3 loads of extra-curricular activities to navigate when they reach that age etc, but you just learn to juggle 🤷🏻‍♀️😂
If money was no object, I’d have a full 5-a-side team and a couple of subs. We also suffered through the loss of twins in 2024, and it was medically very touch and go for me, so that’s cemented the decision that 3 is enough for us.

Have the baby. You will not regret it, you will regret not trying. I have a large family, im 40, husband is 41 and we are trying again. People think we are mad. We dont care. If you raise your family well and do your best everyday, no one else supports your family, then go for it. Having children are a gift and being able to raise a family is a privilege. Yes having more kids is a lot more work but with good time management and a good schedule and lots of fun times then its easily managed. I have some tough kids and some easy kids and they all have different needs, I wouldnt change it for the world.