The third child dilemma

[Kanfuzed123]

not posted in a while.

ive got 2 kiddos. 4.5 and (nearly 2.5) 2.5 is a bit of a head case. I’ve always wanted 3.

im mid 30s.

i think i need to talk it out, if we go for it or not.

we earn ok, base 110k about 15/20k in bonuses between us but obviously that’s not a given (and we pay a massive amount in tax on those though)

ive you have 3 how do you holiday? im actually a bit worried we don’t earn enough too

Aw, I think if you feel you know you want a 3rd child you have to make it happen, the rest will take care of itself 🤍

I like to think of it that way, but I’m just overthinking I think, worrying etc

You will get more replies if you move this to the larger families board. Which I think is nuts as 3 is hardly a larger family imo!

Don't have answers to your questions as I'm only in the first trimester with #3 and our annual household income is about a third of yours so obviously we live and will continue to live a very different lifestyle to what you're used to.

We have two children (now young adults) and I highly recommend it! Two parents to two children works really well, as well as car seats, restaurant tables, hotel rooms etc - all catered for families of 4.

We have 3 DC and we holiday fine. We tend not to do hotels, but do a lot of self-catering/ AirBnb/ lodges on nicer campsites sort of holidays where we can get 3 bedrooms without selling a kidney.

Honestly at your age if you want to I 100% would.
i have a 2 year old and newborn. We’d love a third but i am 40 already 🥴 and we aren’t keen to risk it when we have 2 already to consider

I have 3, and its so much fun! Chaos at times but in a good way. When we holiday, we tend to camp or rent a villa/ cabin, or if we go to a hotel we either get a family room that fits 5 or split into a 2 and a 3 for 2 rooms, each with one adult. We earn a fair bit less than you and it is more than enough- we live in a relatively cheap part of the country for housing though.

3 is the best.
Ours are grown up now but the dynamics worked so well with 3, always someone around to play with, and holiday were a breeze, nice lodges/gites with private pools, without the need to dress up at the end of the day, or deal with tantrums in a restaurant …. we could choose when to go out and when to kick back and fire up the barbecue. Plus So much more space for your money, and if on a campsite then generally safe for bikes etc.

Now they are grown up they’re all really close still despite not living at home, and it’s great to see that relationship independent of us. Oh, and they still holiday with us, plus partners/friends as well as heading off on their own hols.

Three kids plus a dog and two cats here. It's fine, although it locks you out of many holiday lets and hotels as the third child aspect sometimes means that they want you to have another room, but it's not unsolvable. My main thing is that child 1&2 are particularly close, so child 3 sometimes feel left out. If I'd been able to see the future I'd have considered having a 4th to make two pairs... but you can't predict how close or not siblings will be! the only real issue for us was needing a much bigger car as three car seats is incredibly tricky. (Touran got us through toddler years- now have a VWT5) I do feel though that I spend nearly all my waking hours either prepping for school, supervising homework and driving to play dates / extra curricular, but I wouldn't change it!

I didnt know there was one? Can I flag to MN hq to move it?

mad isn’t it 3 is hardly huge lol

Once you’re through nursery stage it’s affordable. I have 3 because pregnancy 2 was twins. I love my dc but meeting up with friends who have 2 dc, it does seem their life is much more simple. That said, we go in holidays. Road trips across USA and Canada, Orlando, Canary Islands. When younger we found static caravans on sites in France were brilliant - great pools, dc can go to bed and you can sit on the veranda with wine. Many happy memories.

I’d not let your concern about holidays majorly to influence your decision . I’m one of 3 and my DPs were pretty poor. We went on holiday in the UK and I never gave this a thought growing up. I wouldn’t be without my DBs just because if there had been 2 of us we would have had a bit of a higher standard of living. Kids don’t remember their fancy holidays but they remember if their DP/DPs spent time with them, listened to them, took them to the park and generally did fun things with them regardless of the cost. If you want 3 and basically can afford it, I’d say go with it.

I do love my holidays though, lol. I like 2 abroad hols (a week each) and a UK one and a city break but I’m an exceptional deal hunter

Aw, I'm one of three too and me and my siblings would all agree with this. We didn't go on many holidays abroad as children, we didn't go on many holidays full stop tbh. I'm glad to have my siblings though, definitely more important to me than childhood holidays. I do so hope that my three feel the same as adults but who knows.

The extra costs aren’t just about holidays. We rarely go away, despite earning more, because one of our autistic children also has ARFID and it’s just not easy to be away from home. However, plenty of places will accommodate families of five quite easily (although you might as well have a fourth, since the rooms are usually for six). The bigger issues are around the need for car seats and hiring a car that fits them all and being outnumbered on long flights but it all is a phase that quickly passes.

We have 3 currently pregnant with baby number 4 and on holiday. It does take a bit more thinking about, but it's doable. We have hired the same car we have at home and are doing some traveling, theme park and then a city. I'd say it probably depends more on age gap than number of children; my oldest can help with a suitcase and middle doesn't need a buggy etc. Hotel rooms can be tricky as often the assumption is 2 adults 2 kids. It's lovely though,😊

Problem with moving it to larger families is you get one side of the argument. I think it really depends on your personality. When I was in the baby/toddler years, as much as I hated it, I knew that was the time I needed to contemplate 3, large age gap is the worst of all worlds IMO. You say 3 isn't huge, but now I have teens, 3 seems loads to me, weirdly it didn't when they were younger.

As the kids got older (school age) I realised my life was still very much ahead of me, I had time for my own hobbies again, for my relationship, for my career. It's surprising how much of a juggle it can be with older kids; getting them to their activities, helping with homework, having 1:1 time with them. It would have been nigh on impossible for me to get the balance I have now for me, for DH and for them if we'd had another.

Then there's the kids themselves, I fundamentally believe that our time and money split 2 ways is more valuable than an additional sibling.

Just another opinion for talking it out

And yes holidays are important to us, as well as them spending time with grandparents (not sure they'd manage 3!), going out regularly to the cinema, bowling, eating out. We're feeling the difference as they get older and move into adult prices and appetites!

So that's what I mean by personality really, what family lifestyle you want to have. We have a similar income.

WeightoftheWorld. I hope your DC feel the same as we do in adulthood. The things that stick in my memory the most are the things like DPs watching a favourite tv prog together, having morning coffee (don’t ask) with my DM after we got home from walking my DBs to school , my DF leaving work to bring me my shoes after school phoned to say I’d come out in my slippers ! The mundane everyday memories are often remembered more than where we went on holiday and other high ticket things. I still laugh with my DBs at the pics of us on the beach in August wearing our coats because it was freezing or how the car always broke down at least once on any longer journey.

I fundamentally believe that our time and money split 2 ways is more valuable than an additional sibling.

That's my view too.

Two children, with different interests and hobbies, appreciate that their parents have enough time, energy and resources available to them. Also, there's never anyone left out.

I had a third on a similar income. If we holiday abroad it’s self catering and driving with a ferry or Eurostar, and it’s not every year. Our mortgage is pretty large though, in a cheaper bit of the country we’d be ok.

we don’t have any family support - no babysitting, no ad hoc childcare, never a night away. Had we done that, life would have been easier. But there is a lot of joy in our family.

When I was in the baby/toddler years, as much as I hated it, I knew that was the time I needed to contemplate 3, large age gap is the worst of all worlds IMO. You say 3 isn't huge, but now I have teens, 3 seems loads to me, weirdly it didn't when they were younger.

Theres 6 years and 9 years respectively between me and my DBs. I think you’re right about personality of each child and the DPs. My oldest DB took on a very fatherly role with me . The youngest and I were not close in childhood but are the closest now. If feel like he’s literally the male version of me in personality.

Mine are 5, 8 and 10 and it's mostly fine on holidays, but I have stopped hiring cars, it's insanely expensive to get a big enough car for three of them in the back.

I have three (living) children and it is hard work but also totally wonderful. They are a little gang. I believe the opposite of previous posters, to me the value of an extra member of the family is higher than the value of parental money or time. I have two boys and the youngest is a girl and she brings so much to our family dynamic. She is an absolute joy. Ultimately this is an intensely personal decision based on what's important to you and your individual circumstances. Only you can decide what's right for you.