The third child dilemma

[Kanfuzed123]

not posted in a while.

ive got 2 kiddos. 4.5 and (nearly 2.5) 2.5 is a bit of a head case. I’ve always wanted 3.

im mid 30s.

i think i need to talk it out, if we go for it or not.

we earn ok, base 110k about 15/20k in bonuses between us but obviously that’s not a given (and we pay a massive amount in tax on those though)

ive you have 3 how do you holiday? im actually a bit worried we don’t earn enough too

When the kids were little we had a caravan and took them travelling around UK, France and the Netherlands. Now we need more space - because two of the three tower above me - and we Airbnb it. Tbh, we'd probably have to holiday like this with just two because we have a dietary limitations to accommodate that makes self catering the best option.

We have a larger gap between two and three and it worked great for us. People like to make out like everything is a problem but it's no big deal.

Mine are 15, 12 and 10 so car seats are behind us but a car that fitted them all was a big thing at that stage. More children than adults never felt like a thing when they were little but now they are older, I can see how much easier it would be w 2 (time/interests/hobbies etc, and of course university fees for 3 will be 😩)

How do we define large?

i feel like mine is pretty large too, £1200 a month

One good thing we already have a car you can fit 3 across in, and a 4 bed home, so the logistics are pretty much covered.

I believe the opposite of previous posters, to me the value of an extra member of the family is higher than the value of parental money or time. I have two boys and the youngest is a girl and she brings so much to our family dynamic.

I guess the extra 'value' of a child of the opposite gender of the first two may well be higher to the parents?

If you don't think that each child is valuable in and of themselves then you probably should have any at all.

I agree with you and am very happy with our two healthy children.

However, I often see parents try for another child in the hope of having a child of the opposite gender.

I have one of each as is

Ah well, as long as you weren't lumbered with an unhealthy one.

Most people have children because there is great joy in bringing them into the world and raising them, it's not my experience that people are looking to fill a bingo card of characteristics.

I’m not sure if that is to me or not?

but I’ve never mentioned that I’m looking to fill a bingo card? I stated I have a boy and a girl, so I’m not approaching this from a oh let try for a girl/ boy

Sorry, I was replying to Lalupalina's post. I had assumed it would fall underneath but I should have linked in case that happened.

I fundamentally believe that our time and money split 2 ways is more valuable than an additional sibling.

I agree, especially as one of ours has (minor) SN only diagnosed at age 4. They just need a huge amount of time and energy. If we had another, I guess our children would manage but they wouldn’t be thriving IMO, just getting by. As it is I feel one child is short changed on attention and that’s even with me as an SAHM.

I guess the dynamic will be different in each family but the idea that third children are universally deleterious on a families attention is false. Yes, they cost additional money but love and attention doesn't only flow from the parents to the children who must make do with a smaller share, children love and care for each other too and, typically, spend time and attention on each other too.

Plus this idea leans on the idea as the third child only ever being tiny and not offering net value for their investment but my dsis, who happens to be the much maligned third child in my family, has been a wonderful part of my life and my children's lives. I wouldn't trade her in for a pony, fwiw.

I had three in under four years. They are now 19, 17 &15. Last one when I was aged 34. It may not be for the feint hearted but I love having three, they have been like a little gang. They are really close. As it happens, two of them have extra needs ( one Asperger's and one physically disabled). That changes nothing. Some people cope very well with extra needs, some do not. Some cope with more than two kids, some do not. Ask yourself who you are? Are you a coper? If so, crack on. If you doubt your ability to face any given situation head on, perhaps think twice before you have a third child. Parenting goes on a long way past the 'child' years, the teen times can be hard. Nobody can tell you if it's right for you. All the best.

@Desecratedcoconut it's a matter of opinion but I put much higher value in parental love and time, modern life is busy particularly when both parents work, but even if not, school means family time at home is limited.

I'm admittedly biased because the large sibling families in my extended family (my husband's included) are not very positive vs the close knit nature of the 2 children families I know, so I am influenced by that.

But having one child who has had mental health issues and another who has ADHD (things we couldn't have known in the early years), us having the time to maintain 1:1 relationships with them whilst also managing our own mental health and our careers, time alone and as a couple, has been absolutely pivotal. I refuse to believe an additional sibling could be more helpful to my existing children than the time I put into them to help them with their particular concerns, the reality is if I had another child something would drop (probably my own hobbies, career) but that would likely impact the children too. Sibling like playmate relationships can be found externally more easily than parental roles, IMO.

Some cope with more than two kids, some do not. Ask yourself who you are? Are you a coper?

And I absolutely believe in this. As I say I am someone who is fundamentally still quite selfish, I enjoy my own time, and trying to be the parent I wanted to be whilst doing what i want to do to be happy in myself would be REALLY challenging. Whereas I have friends who just aren't quite as needy as me!

We have a similar income and have 3DC. We do live in the NE so housing is cheap (but we have a large house so have high bills associated with housing). Ours are teenagers now, when they were little we didn't take them abroad but do now, we do one UK holiday plus one European holiday a year (but that's not including trips to touristy parts of Scotland to visit family, which is all we did when they were small). We could do more but I prioritise savings and having a nice house, workmates on similar incomes holiday far more than us.

I love having 3DC, but you need a DH who does his fair share of the childcare. Childcare is expensive,the primary years are very busy. The kids have cut down on commitments now they're older, for a while we had at least one and often two different activities an evening which takes up a lot of time. Weekends are still taken over by football matches and swimming.

I can understand that when parents are running to capacity then it doesn't make any sense to add more children into the mix. I just don't think that it is inevitable in all families that the third child is a drain who cheats current children out of their fair share. I'm suggesting that, in situations where parents are well resourced, a third child can be seen, with a less limited view of what love and attention looks like, as an overall asset to a family.

@Desecratedcoconut I don't think it's as simple as resources though, I don't think anyone would call me stretched physically, we have a healthy income, big home, I WFH so am very available (although to be fair that happened post 3rd child deliberation!) but I think it is more down to different expectations. I think we all have different parental and personal expectations, how involved we want to be and how much time we want, I am well resourced, but I still struggle to justify the cost (in every sense of the world) of an additional child on my existing children.

And to be really morbid, no one knows what is around the corner; illness, death, marital breakdown. Whilst I don't live my life assuming the worst can happen, as I get older I do find myself being more risk averse, and those situations are easier with 2 children than 3.

Recently found out I'm pregnant with a very unplanned number 3. Scared / worried if I have enough time for 3 children to give them all what they need. But positives we have enough space , money , big enough car and I know I will love this one fiercely so hopefully everything else will fall into place

Just read some of the comments, both DH and I are from larger families and that probably affects our view but I never wanted just one or two. It all feels a bit intense and I think it's probably quite good for children to outnumber their parents, they get more space to be themselves and any weird parental ambitions (we all have them) get diluted the more children there are. As one of 4DC I never felt unloved by my parents and loved having lots of siblings and still love spending time with them. Not that I really thought I had lots of siblings since most of my friends and neighbours were from families of 3, 4 or 5.

As you say, we're all different. I'd manage those situations with three as well as I would with two.

As you say, we're all different. I'd manage those situations with three as well as I would with two. I'm not trying to just manage life, I'm aiming to enjoy it too. There's lots I could manage.

Yes, sure, you'd be thriving through grief and divorce because you didn't have three children.