How to set boundaries with in-laws (sorry for the long post)

[KMoo22]

Soo my baby is now 7 weeks old. My partner and his family are VERY close and I mean inseparable (i find it incredibly overbearing) they go on local walks, to the pub, meals, dinner out, breakfast out, HOLIDAYS together still with their 2 adult daughters and my partner is always invited PLUS their dog goes everywhere with them. I personally never say yes as I find it too much!!

When we told them I was pregnant there was a lot of umming and aahing about the baby and having no money… they were quite doubtful of us basically. His mum got excited on the run up to labour. My labour was really easy I was planned Home birth but chose to go to hospital. Labour was easy, pool birth, cocodamol, g&a and he was here in 2hrs 17 mins, few stitches and 24 hrs in hospital; when I came home after an overnight in hospital his parents and sisters came up to meet him. My parents are absolutely brilliant also but they don't interfere.

We visited the in-laws once and iv refused to go back since as the MIL was horrific. I barely got through the door when she snatched the car seat from me, and completely ignored my request for her to leave him asleep. She woke him then sat in a corner with her knees tucked too her chest whispering to the baby. It was so WEIRD and then cried when I said pass him here he needs feeding and changing. Instead she ran off with him, when i said pass him here she turned her back on me, then ran too another room again. I refused to visit them again at their home. We had a weekend away she was up my butt all weekend, wanting to bath, feed and have him in her room (he’s EXCLUSIVELY BREAST FED).

As the weeks progressed my MIL has grown increasingly possessive and I mean to the point she sits and cries if you say let him sleep. We’ve had some argument over my baby then after a few heated chats about her behaviour with him and having to tell her to stop basically trying to be a 2nd mum. It started with demanding to see him more than a few days a week, constantly taking him from me, obsessive behaviour about how he’s fed. Then making strange little comments to me like ‘I miss having my own baby, I miss breast feeding I enjoyed it’ just bizarre little things… then following it with really possessive ‘give him here right now’ vibes. Last few days shes then started being obsessive over him smiling at us for the first time, she got upset that she wasn’t the first person to see him smile and its driving me INSANE. If I feed him she’ll stand over me staring at him and she’ll stare at him for the entire feed or she’ll stand over me watching like the boob monitor. Then when he’s seconds off the boob she’s in front of me ready to grab him without realising I go from side to side on feeds! I don’t know how much more I can take or how many more times I can say too her ‘you are not his mother please step back that is my role now’! I feel like I’m a child having too explain myself and as though I need her permission to do things or not to see her one week as I have a lot of things planned. I haven’t seen a single friend and have cancelled plans a few times due to her as she’s caused so much drama and sulked and cried about other people seeing him. I wont get started on how many photos that women has of herself with him, then sticks them on fb without asking If I mind? Which yeaa actually I DO MIND. Me and my partner have None with our baby...

Yet when I do stand up for myself I get incredibly aggressive messages off the FIL saying ‘I’m nasty for upsetting his Grandma, she has rights.. blah blah blah’. How do you tell a woman like this to STOP and explain for the 10000th time that her days as a parent have now ended, her son and DIL’s journey as parents has now started.

Its really really made me FEAR spending time with her anymore as she gives me horrendous anxiety with her intrusive behaviour.

Really?!?! She’s batshit.
What does your partner say about it all? He needs to have a word and intervene and you need to see them less and see your friends and family for your own mental health.
Keep your boundaries, explain explicitly why, repeat. Any issues, partner explains again. If he’s not on the same page as you, tell him he needs to sort it out quickly.

Tried it with my partner. He agreed for with me for 2 weeks?

Then changed his mind and has said she wants to be a Grandma and help and have cuddles.

Lets put it this way, iv said tomorrow if you take him inside im sitting in the car so I dont have to be around the woman or look at her and she makes me want to cry!

Don't do this. That would suit her perfectly as there would be nothing to stop her having complete control of him from the moment the car door opens.

You need to continue to reassert your boundaries and expectations. Your partner needs to back you up and if he won't because MIL kicks off then, to be honest, kick off bigger. FIL can, frankly, fuck off when he starts talking about "rights" that she supposedly has. If this isn't addressed now, it'll continue for years.

Its just a shit show honestly :’(.

I’m so depressed I feel like I’m loosing control over my own child. A child I’ve wanted for a such a long time..
Well call her ‘Jane’ for privacy sake online.

But its always about ‘Jane’s Bond with baby’ she wants special time to bond with him, she wants to see him take his first steps, crawl, walk’ apparently this is what Grandma’s do.

I just cba with her anymore. I feel like giving in and being like here take him then, you wanna be a mum he’s all yours you friggin Broody control freak… shes destroying my bond with him and her obsessive behaviour to be centre of his universe. Im dreading my house being fixed, it flooded in April and weve been at my parents since but its almost done and I just feel like she’ll be up our arses all the time.

Stop cancelling your friends and make more commitments with them. Don't be available to her. Let her know that you are going out/having friends over and now is not going to work for you if she drops in. I would also tell your partner that his mum is absolutely not well and needs a doctor. You have no intention of being manipulated by her tears as she has no respect for your role in your child's life. She can visit when invited only.

Sooo i arent being completely unreasonable with her?

She’s menopausal apparently this is why she cries about him…. I call it a selfish woman in denial who can’t accept shes not the mother to this baby and wont accept it.

My mums told me not to leave her alone with his as she’ll probably abduct him

You aren't being unreasonable at all. She is.

Steel yourself. You are a strong and powerful woman. You've just brought life into the world ffs. You can deal with her: this possessive and obsessive behaviour will not be tolerated and, if she does not adjust her behaviour, you will have no choice but to see less of her.

Her tantrums and tears don't matter. Your baby, and your bond with it, are the only things that matter. If she is negatively affecting that then she either changes or she's out.

Congratulations on your baby !

Wow your MIL really needs to back off.

And your DH needs to grow a pair and be on side with you. If he doesnt get it, would be inclined to show him the responses on this thread.

Thank you the supportive comments already everyone :’( im so glad people are backing my validation for the way I feel. Felt so alone last few weeks and like Im being made out to be a controlling horrible mum.

I’m glad shes excited and wants to be involved but I cant deal with the intensive behaviour, then the obvious sulking when I say no and fighting over him.
I’ve just said to my partner and what is she gunna do tomorrow if he’s screaming because he’s too hot and doesn’t want to be cuddled? Is she going to cry and guilt trip you into seeing him an extra day this weekend coming so she can get a cuddle. When will she learn that when she see’s him she doesn’t always need a cuddle or a photo with him. She doesn’t need to be so self-centred about him.

He HATES hot weather, he’s so irritable and wants to be glued to me and my boob for comfort.

To be honest tomorrows weather is a good reason to stay at home in the cool for yours and your baby’s welfare.

I think reading how you’re feeling I’d be putting some real boundaries in place and if they’re not respected I’d stop visiting until she can understand why. If she continues to guilt trip let DP deal with it until she calms down and respects your boundaries. You’re only 7 weeks post partum and vulnerable too.

Yours and your baby’s welfare comes first. It’s one of the hardest parts of being a parent, but standing up for your child starts now.

Thank you :'(.

Its been really difficult as the sulking and guilt tripping has really gotten to me and made me feel so shit about myself.

Iv ended up quite depressed and my HV & Midwife were concerned I was getting PPD as I just got so down about it all.

There was a sulk in the middle when I said no to expressing so she could give him a bottle which is when the big heated argument started with them and I refused to see them for a week as she upset me so much!

Strongly advise you stay away from her as much as possible. Sounds very stressful for you and she sounds completely unhinged. I wouldnt leave baby alone with her. Can you feed him in another room under the guise of privacy? Your husband needs to step and support you as the post partum period can be tough. Make plans with friends and dont waste emotional energy on her and this madness. Create a strong support network to make sure this doesn't get you down. On the long run - I'd move if it were me.

Stay away. Tell her that her behaviour is not normal and you are going to keep your distance for the time being.

Please please please see her less and don't let your husband take him in whilst you stay in the car - DON'T GO AT ALL. Stay at home, centre yourself, ground, feel your power, bond with your baby again and feel safe knowing he's yours and set up your boundaries even against your husband if you need to xx

God she sounds deranged. I would be really strict from now on. 1 hour a week max until she learns to behave respectfully.

She sounds like a nutter!! Your husband needs to have a word and tell her she is being too overbearing and that it is starting to affect you. It is so hard having a baby, mums and mother in laws suddenly change into these really annoying overbearing humans that don't know when to stop.

I suggest you set out your boundaries to your partner and then keep your distance. Maybe agree to seeing her once a week and if she kicks off tell her you will keep yourself and your baby away permanently. She has no rights and I say that as a GM myself. If it is too hot then just say you and your baby are staying at home. The problem is your partner does not sound supportive though.

She sounds absolutely bonkers. You need to make a stand and stop all visits until she is able to behave reasonably. Doesn't matter how much she cries or how many text FiL sends, just grey rock. It's the only way to treat these people.

Your problem is going to be your partner. You need him to realise this is batshit.

Absolutely do not let her have access to your baby alone.

Can your health visitor or whoever be present when you tell them what's happening?

Frankly if he didn't step up and protect you and your child now it would be a deal breaker.

I'm sorry it all sounds so stressful.

If he makes a big deal about tomorrow I would go to your parents. Get some space. Allow yourself to bond properly

Do not do anything to damage the bond between you and the baby , it's only the 4th trimester for goodness sake, he still thinks he is a part of you. The only person who needs care right now is you so if anyone wants to help they can cook, clean, get you cake/whatever. Baby right now just needs you. Do NOT express unless you wish or need to, if you are doing it to placate others it may muck up your supply, you have only just got it established. When baby is a few months old (at least 4), then possibly, if she can be less crazy, she can do more but right now, until you feel comfortable, stay away from anything or anyone that is not supporting you bonding with your child. He needs you to respond to his cues, you need to learn them, everyone else is on the periphery until he is a bit older. You are in a powerful position, do not get strong armed into doing anything that isn't for the best for you and your baby. Your partner also needs to step right up and protect you, but you can do it if he is unable to. Show him.this thread if you think it will help!!

Do not allow her in your house when you and the baby are at home alone-close thr blinds or go upstairs and do not answer the door. Do not feel any need to explain yourself.
Take your baby out for long walks each day or to do other nice things and don't tell her when you will be out.
Don't give her a key to your house ever.
Do not allow her in on weekdays.
Only at weekends by prior arrangement and for a set time.
Your baby, your house, your rules.

This is batshit and will drive you insane if it continues unchecked. You need to set your stall out now because she will only get worse. This is your child, she's had hers. My DH was MIL's golden child and she told me I'd stolen her son and his first child (my baby!) Your DH needs to tell her to leave you alone too. If he doesn't fully back you I'd seriously consider your relationship, although then all contact would include her and be out of your control.
Don't make excuses saying you're busy, establish firm boundaries and stick to them, no exceptions.
MIL still tries it now...almost thirty years later! When we had DC1 I was young (23) and although married I wanted her to like me. Looking back she was horrific to me. Most stories are too outing but she was terribly controlling. One example, we were doing our house up and moved in with just the kitchen, bathroom, living room and one bedroom done (baby was in with us.) She threatened to call social services if we didn't hand him over to live with her until the house was finished! That was the point I snapped.

Im just glad im not alone shes made me feel like absolute dirt since he came along.

The increasing possessiveness, the sulking when I say its too hot. If I've said today I'm not gunna be coming as its too hot for the baby he'll scream the roof down the minute the heat hits him, shes suggested I drop my partner off for football and baby goes inside for a while to have cuddles with Grandma. I just cannot stomach going into her home after that first visit, it was like 'my house, my rules, my baby'. I can't do with another repeat.

Granted in Whitby she was reserved and didn't take him but she was pushy and dropping hints about expressing and I think worst suggestion was I'll go for a walk see if I can settle him. Ermmm, no thanks "Jane" I don't trust you; Your one Tool short of the full set.

I shouldn't have to feel like this over my baby but I do and I dunno why but it just must be a small hand of MIL's thing! :/

Text some friends today and start making plans to meet up. Join some baby groups. Start filling your week with activities that don't involve her and then BE FIRM.

"Jane I can't make Saturday because I'm doing xyz."

If she questions it, cries etc, just treat her like you would with a child. Repeat the above, slowly, again and again. Refuse to discuss alternative options such as "why don't you drop hi off here" etc and just respond "that doesn't work for me".

Unfortunately as much as its not an excuse Autism runs in the family Genes. I think his mum is Autistic mixed with menopausal as she just flips moods about the situation too often. One minute she understands, the next shes a hormonal mess crying because I've said no.

The worst thing is, if she calmed down and took the same approach as everyone else and stopped being so possessive and accepted he needs his mum first and always, she'd be a good Grandma.

But she just cannot seem to grasp that Grandparents don't get to see their Grandchildren take First steps, first smile, first words etc. thats for the parents to enjoy firstly. Its like getting blood from a stone telling her "Jane back up now, your role as PARENT ends at your 3 children. This isn't your baby to mother, its time to back up"

Then just its weird remarks and out bursts.

'We have rights, he's not just your baby you have to share him' just things like that set my anxiety off and it sends if through the roof!