Pregnant with child 3 at 43 and not sure I want to be

[backtothegrindstone]

Hubby and I have two fantastic boys, aged 8 and 6. Our family is really happy and we all get along really well. I always sort of thought I wanted a third, but struggled to get it together after baby 2, went back and forth on the idea for ages and couldn't decide. When we finally decided that we would like a third, I was already 40 and youngest was 3 years old. I though I'd get pregnant straight away like I did with the others. But it didn't happen. And didn't happen and didn't happen. I'm now 43 and had it in the back of my mind that it'd never happen and my time was done, so whilst we continued to half-heartedly try for child 3, I'd really all but given up on the idea.

Anyway, I found out I'm pregnant yesterday and now I'm freaking out. When there was a 3 year age gap and i was just 40 it just seemed like a continuation of the family we had, but now there will be a nearly 7 year age gap between the baby and my youngest, and 9 years between baby and eldest by the time it is born. It suddenly hit me that I'll be 65 by the time the baby leaves university. And it really all feels completely like starting again. I don't think I'd realised just how nice life had become, how much easier everything is now, that we can travel and have wonderful trips and that my boys are the best of friends, until it suddenly looks like it could all change. And now I'm just not sure I want to have another baby any more.

I get the regular nostalgic sentimental longings to have tiny baby cuddles and be needed more again that I'm sure lots of us get when our kids start to grow. I was so sure I wanted another baby until it happened. But then it happened and I felt torn in two. And now I feel heartbroken because i'm not sure that going through with this is the right thing to do. I just don't know if I can do this all again now.

I'm so scared if I decided to end the pregnancy that I'll regret it, but I'm also so scared that if I proceed with the pregnancy I'll end up regretting it too, and it seems like such a big thing to regret. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. What do I do?

I don't have much advice to give but I have an 8 year age gap between me and my sister and I enjoy the relationship we have. The gap kind of closed as we got older in the sense that we are now both adults.

Also, a big age gap can be great as the two older ones can help out a little (even if it's just fetching something from a room for you) and that's much nicerthan having to contend with a new born and toddler at the same time.

The newborn stage is hard no matter the age of the parents. It will get easier with time and 65 isn't that old to have a university aged child. It's your health and how you feel that matters.

Congratulations on the baby 💐

Hi, only you and your husband can ultimately make the decision but I 're-started' having children in my forties and my children are much older than your boys (mine in their twenties and teens) and my experience has been entirely positive. They have bought a huge amount of joy to all our lives. Starting again doesn't have to be a negative experience.

I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. I am younger than you though, so age wasn’t an issue but other things were (money, childcare etc). After much upset and tears I terminated at around 8/9 weeks. I have very mixed feelings over it still and have had counselling but still struggle with the concept that I terminated a pregnancy I had wanted to happen, until it did happen. It has affected my marriage quite badly as I resent my dh to a degree about it. He never wanted a third in the first place but passively ‘went along’ with conceiving one then acted horrified when I actually got pregnant. The whole thing has caused me a huge amount of heartache. I keep it all to myself as I can’t tell even my close friends, I’m too afraid of the judgement. What does your dh feel about it? It’s really hard and there’s no right or wrong answer but think very carefully and seek counselling before going through a termination. I wish I had. I might still have made the same decision but I wish I had talked it through with someone first. I’m sorry you’re in this position OP, it’s a tough one

Although my mum was younger then you ,me and my older sister are 7 and 9 years older then my brother and we loved the age gap .. in fact my older sister and younger brother have the closest relationship. I had A pregnancy scare at 42 I have adult children and got to say now looking back I'm quite glad I've not got a toddler . But that's my personal view but the thought of dealing with a teenager in my 60s 😕

@NC866, thanks for your honesty. Thankfully my husband and I are very much on the same page. He dearly wants a third child but also shares a lot of my fears and worries now its actually happened. We've had a very honest discussion about it and I think whatever decision we make will be a joint one and very much a loving and supportive one. So that's good at least. I'm worried I'll feel like you did though we thankfully don't have financial or childcare issues to contend with - it isn't so much external drivers pushing the decision. It was really much more of a visceral 'oh shit' moment for us both that is raising most of the questions.

@Happyd yes, dealing with teenagers when I'm wanting to retire, travel and change pace is what worries me too. Travel is one of my massive concerns if I'm honest. We absolutely live to travel and all the plans we've had will have to be put back 5 years at least. And I don't want to be too old to enjoy the world when I finally send my last child off.

Completely understand OP, ‘oh shit’ was exactly how I felt and it was overwhelming. But I have to be honest, my feelings of sadness now over it all are hard to live with. It wouldn’t necessarily be that way for you though. I can’t even say I massively regret it because my marriage is failing to be honest and financially it would have been hard, so a third child would have been difficult. If you don’t have obstacles like that though and it’s purely ‘oh shit, life will change’ then I think it’s a very normal reaction. I felt like that with both my first and second pregnancies too and they were very much planned and wanted, I especially felt it with the second and often regretted getting pregnant (terrible sickness and I think a bit of antenatal depression) but once my baby arrived I was so utterly glad I went through with it. I think that’s partly what hurts me now - knowing that if I’d gone through with my third pregnancy I would have adored that child and although I made the decision for sensible reasons and what’s done is done, that does hurt. And I think it always will. Sorry, I’m not trying to sway your decision at all as it is yours alone but just telling you of my experience. It’s not black and white and a very tough call to make.

I have almost the exact gaps. I had my 4th (3rd living) at 44 with a 10yo and a 7yo. I have to admit I’m knackered and also I think the last pregnancy triggered RA. We wouldn’t be without her though. She’s a little fiesty gem, loved by her siblings and adds a lot to our lives

I find for the future it’s best not to think about your age when DC3 is xyz. I’d rather be facing the teen years when I’m 60 than not have her at all.

I had a dc at 43.. Youngest was 6. Amazing bonus baby for me!!
Def no regrets.

I'm 41 but have similar gap between my 2nd and 3rd and my 4th. I wanted another after dd3 was about 2 but DH only wanted to try when I was 38 and she was 7. It then took 19m, by which point of thought it wouldnt happen.

DS was born last summer when I was 40, my middle DD was 9 and dd3 was 8. They love him. I also have an adult daughter. I felt similar worries both when ttc and when I fell pregnant, but for me I desperately wanted another and that feeling didn't diminish, i would have preferred a smaller gap but I don't for a second regret him. It does help me to think though that some of my school friends have just had their first.

I am very glad you are DH are navigating this together.

There is no right or wrong answer, it sounds like you had come to terms with a third not happening and life has really moved on in the last 3 years.

Honestly I would be concerned about Covid, other abnormalities that increase with maternal age too. All those what ifs

Mine are all teens and older and I can hand on heart say I underestimated how hard this stage would be and mine are pretty "easy" tbh.

I really hope you choose to continue with this amazing conception of life and become excited about meeting your new, totally inimitable, beautiful child. Xxx

We were surprised to find number 3 was on the way when our two were doing A levels and GCSEs. We struggled with what was best and now have a wonderful 2 yr old. I'm 46 now and DH is quite a bit older than me so we struggled with the knowledge that if something happened to us, we would be saddling our big DCs with quite a responsibility. We also worried about age-related problems but have been very lucky. No regrets at all. Having said that, we have created the world's worst sleeper so that has been quite tough, and the colicky early months were hard on the older two who found all the crying very upsetting. And things like eating out and travelling are def more of a hassle, no getting around that. But our little one brings us all such joy, he's wonderful. And he's brought out a side in the others that is beautiful to see. Selflessness in teens can be a rare thing but they'll do anything for him. All this doesn't make it the right decision for you, of course, but don't feel it's not doable if you think you want to do it.

I have a two year gap between first and second then right years before third unplanned but loved third child. Divorced when youngest was 8. Met new partner and remarried, hot pregnant at 43 but miscarried at 15 weeks. However we now foster a child who is 14 and the same age our child who have been if I had not miscarried. All children have brought endless joy and wonderful memories. I love babies.

This year I had my third baby and my eldest is 9. She is absolutely besotted with the baby (despite being really unhappy when we told her I was pregnant 😕) (in fact our 4 year old is too- adores her and zero jealousy so far which is lovely).

Its got to be your gut feeling of course because it's always hard work isn't it, and will definitely change the family dynamic. But I wouldn't let the age gap put you off as it's certainly been an unexpected positive for us.

@RandomMess I'm terrified of abnormalities and issues, it wrecking my own health etc. I don't think I'm the sort of person who'd deal well with a disabled child. So many what ifs.

There's a lot of screening you can do quite early. But there is always a risk of something, that's true. A hand hold for you. It's such a difficult decision to have to make.

The harmony test can be done as early as 10 weeks

We had our last baby when I was 43. Again wanted but definitely the Oh Shit moment when we found out.

Our DC were 21, 19, 17 and 15 when she was born. The 17 yo was so excited he ran to the hospital and begged to be allowed in to see us.

Travel hasn't been an issue at all.

DD is 13 and we are going into the teen strops. I am far more able to deal with it now than I was in my 30s with the others. You really can't worry about how old you'll be when they are....

Ironically the more people tell me it'll be fine, the more I think I don't want to go on with it. I've weighed up what we'll gain versus what we'll lose and I think we just lose too much- namely the next 5 years of soaking up time with my incredible sons, taking them to Costa Rica and the Himalayas and the barrier reef whilst they still want to be there. I just feel the risks are too high. My husband was orphaned as a child and I've seen how it affects a person. I'm not sure I want that for my child. I already have some major problems with my back and I worry it'll push me over the edge. All said and done I can see so many more reasons to keep our pretty perfect life as it is and so many fewer to make such a dramatic change. But fundamentally I'm just preying for my period to start, wishing for a miscarriage so I don't have to make the decision. If I subconsciously feel that strongly I think the decision is pretty clear.

It sounds to me like you've already made your decision. I think I'd feel the same if I got pregnant now although I long for a baby when I see a newborn (I'm not trying though). Three kids can be tough, I think you have to really want it. I don't want to try and persuade you to change the mind at all, I just want to say I follow a lot of travel vloggers on Youtube, people who backpack with babies and toddlers in tow, and whilst three young kids would be tough to travel with, two older ones and one baby/toddler I think would manageable, they nap a lot and I don't think that should be a single reason not to continue. But I think it sounds like it's more than just the travel factor. I hope you come to a decision soon, good luck x

If you don't want too continue with your pregnancy don't, I would not and would not judge anyone in your position.

@user327253 it's not so much the travel that worries me- we travelled with both kids when they were little. But it's the way it would limit our options. We like to move around a lot and we're lucky enough to be able to stay in some fairly nice hotels which is a big part of the enjoyment for us. We don't really like more than the odd day in self catering. But loads of hotels have a 4 person limit on rooms, even in suites (we've even struggled to get suites that would take 4 in some countries like Greece) and you can never get hotels to guarantee adjoining rooms either which means we'd have to make some big changes to what we like to do. And it rules out being able to do any active activities like paddle boarding and sea swimming that we like to do as a family as someone always has to stay with the baby, walk them round for naps etc. I fear it'd mean we'd basically split the family up- one parent taking the big boys off to do something, one having it look after the little one. It just feels like there's still a big loss there even if it comes with some gain. But you're right, this is just one part of a much bigger feeling that I'm just over having babies now- life has moved onto another phase and I'm just not sure I want to go back again.

@Murraygoldberg thank you. Thank you all for not judging.