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Larger families

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Original poster

a big family - why?

25 replies

artisanroast · 02/01/2016 19:08

Hi,

I think we all have reasons why we want a big family, but I thought it may be fun to discuss why...

I have a 15 week old daughter and I love being a mum! I love it more than I thought I would however, before I had her I knew I wanted 3 children. DH always said 2 max but after meeting our gorgeous girl he has relented and agreed to 3 (or 4!!!)

Anyway, I'll start...

My reason for wanting a large family is that I don't have a close family. My parents are still married and I have a brother but we are all like strangers. It is palpably uncomfortable when we spend time together.

I want to create the warm and loving home I didn't have. I want a 'buzz' about my home where the children want to be and most importantly as independent adults they flock home for Birthdays and Christmases.

So, what's your reason for wanting/having a larger family?

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Tsotofamily · 03/01/2016 16:49

I'd say the same reason as you I also love that 'buzz'. I love having the kids around, I love having them home and always look forward to school holidays. I want the kids to come home whenever they want to when there older.
I'm lucky my family is close, although my mum and dad are split up. I'm really close with my stepmum and she loves spending time with kids and I. Family gatherings are great and I want me kids to feel the same way and know that there is always someone there for them xxx

Suzietwo · 03/01/2016 21:53

According to someone I spoke to the other day, I wanted to demonstrate my financial success through the medium of conception ...

raisin3cookies · 03/01/2016 21:56

Dh and I always wanted at least four. Less than that seemed a bit too quiet and boring. :) We have five, which is plenty.

shutupandshop · 03/01/2016 22:11

I have 4. My reasons are similar to yours. Nc with my family. Dh an only. I hope dcs will be clise and have each other. Im not banking on them wanting to cone ho e at christmas although would be nice.

shutupandshop · 03/01/2016 22:13

According to someone I spoke to the other day, I wanted to demonstrate my financial success through the medium of conception ...

Mwaaaah better than through designer bags and designer ckad dcs.

Suzietwo · 03/01/2016 22:19

Yes, I'm sure the more usual response is 'congratulations'

babyblabber · 04/01/2016 19:06

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread as we are trying to decide whether we want a big family. Although this debate has been raging for months now! We have three which I think is fairly average but if we go again we will be in "big family" territory along with all that goes with it. I'm one of 4 and close to my siblings so I know all the advantages but I worry about giving each kid enough attention, juggling activities, finances etc if we go to 4.

There are days I'd love another though so keep the replies coming, persuade me!

m0therofdragons · 04/01/2016 19:09

We went from 1 to 3 with twins (so not sure if we count) but I do look at families of 2 and think "that looks dull". Obviously I'd never say that to anyone in rl. Like the idea of a 4th but finances say no.

Donnadoon · 04/01/2016 20:09

Hi everyone
I have five but they are spaced out, toddlers through to a teen
I couldn't afford them all at once I say that because I think small age gaps are better for shared interests etc
I wouldn't admit this to many people but my fifth DC has tipped me over the edge coping wise, the washing and cleaning are a struggle to keep on top of
And I struggle to have special time with each one
I expect it will get easier as LO grows (not yet 2years old)
But I am always feeling frazzled
I too have no family support network and thus contributed to my reasons for wanting a big family
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear
I feel better for writing that down

Artandco · 04/01/2016 20:30

We have just two, and will probably stay that way

In dhs family though they are a large family. But his parents say the only way it worked also was large age gaps ( 23 years between oldest and youngest!). They are roughly spaced in pairs with 5+ years between each pair. One set are twins, the rest each 'pair' 12-18 month gaps.

mareseatoatsanddoeseatoats · 04/01/2016 20:37

I always wanted three or four for very similar reasons to you, however in the end we had two. I had lots of complications I don't think my body could have had any more.

However I try really hard to still create that atmosphere. I encourage my children to invite their friends over, and try to have an open and welcoming house.

Milkeverywhere · 05/01/2016 14:44

I like a biggish family because both me and oh were one of 3 and I always wanted the same, I loved growing up with 2 siblings as there would always be someone to play with and there was never a dull moment. I currently have 3, only just gave birth to my third and having always said 3 is enough, I'm not so sure now! Really I would love another but realistically I have to stop at 3. I love the fact the house is never too quiet, I love seeing all their little faces at the dinner table and the constant chattering and nonsense but most of all I love the cuddles times 3 and knowing that they'll have each other for support growing up. It's just the best.

Pantone363 · 05/01/2016 15:01

We have 4. I would possibly have one more if/when we move.

Positives: lovely, loud house. Always something going on. You can wander around and watch a film with one of them, do a puzzle with another, read with another. As they get older its got much better, I love seeing them together.

They have a ready made gang of friends on holiday. Always feel sorry for the only kids wandering about on the beach! My lot invite them to come play and we bloody end up with them all week whilst their parents sunbathe

In 'my' experience the only kids I have known always have something slightly odd about them. Old before their time I think? Two is boring and matchy matchy, three is nice, four is fun!

Ragwort · 05/01/2016 15:14

But how do you create that 'warm and loving environment where independent adults will flock home for Christmas?' I'm sure it sounds ideal (to you) but look at all the threads on mumsnet where people feel obliged to spend Christmas with family ......... rather than actively wanting to?

My siblings and I grew up in a happy home with lots of big family gatherings but I have noticed that now we are all adults with families of our own none of us live our lives like that - our parents are still alive but it must be at least 5 years since all of us got together for one occasion - no distance/financial problems. My parents tried to interest us all in a big family holiday (at their expense) - it was a bit difficult explaining that none of us really wanted to be all together on holiday - that bit was left to me .

I hope it works out for you, but don't be too disappointed if your DC choose to emigrate or lead their own lives.

Tsotofamily · 05/01/2016 16:21

Ragwort - I think it depends how close you are, we get together regularly with my dad, stepmum, nan and brothers, also any extended family that want to join us. None of us feel like we have too. We even all went on holiday together a few years ago and I would do it again.
Yet my mum, stepdad and stepbrothers we only get together once or twice a year

QueenMolotov · 05/01/2016 20:40

Pantone, can I just say that I think what you said about 'onlies' is very insensitive, bordering on offensive. I feel like I need to address your post, as I am an 'only' who had a very happy childhood, and I think as a direct consequence of being an 'only' (can you tell that I don't like that term?), I have a very close and genuine bond with my parents. To this day, I still want to be in their company.

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion, but it does sound extremely narrow. How would you like to be negatively judged, or your children to be negatively judged, about having/coming from a 4-child family? Blanket generalisations do no-one any good.

Pantone363 · 05/01/2016 21:50

We frequently are judged for being a big family. Kids don't get enough attention, bad for the environment, greedy, wasting resources.

As I said the 'only' children i've known have seemed very old before their time and we do frequently end up with them tagging along on holiday as they have nobody else to play with.

Sorry if you don't like the term only, its purely descriptive.

Suzietwo · 05/01/2016 21:54

Christ if you have kids in the expectation they'll be around to provide you with entertainment later on (big family Christmas etc) you'll go bonkers. I'm aiming for 4 (3 down one in the oven) in the hope that 1 of them isn't a dick. The rest I fully expect to be at one stage or another.

heavenlypink · 05/01/2016 22:04

There is no guarantee that on having a big family that the siblings will grow up and remain in contact. OH is one of ten and quite frankly they are the most selfish arrogant bunch of people I have ever met. On the whole they each have the attitude of who's the best and don't give a shit about anyone else. Took him a long time to realise this and now we're pretty much NC with them all.

offshore · 05/01/2016 22:21

Pantone I find your comments about onlies offensive. It's not "descriptive " to call an entire category of people odd - it's rude .
I have an only , I would have loved a big family but it wasn't to be and I am lucky to have one .
its a shame you don't enjoy having other kids tag along with yours , not sure why you don't just tell them to go away if you don't like it ? Or is it just the odd onlies you don't like ?
it made me really sad to read what you wrote , my heart breaks when we are on holiday and I watch my daughter trying to make friends or looking longily at groups of kids , I feel guilty enough at not giving her a sibling , now I feel guilty about her "bothering " all the "non odd " big families .
People are different , who wants a homogenised world of kids from big families ? ( you do know they come with their own particular characteristics don't you ?)

SnarkintheDark · 16/01/2016 18:15

Have no probs with other peoples kids tagging along! Infact I love it, we often have other children stay over as my daughter have changed schools so only get to see their friends at weekends, I have 7 anyway and one on the way so what's a few more??
I think my reasons are that I am happy to take each child as a blessing and gift. I decided at a young age if I was unable to have my own kids I would adopt as many as I could because I was lonely as a child, my nearest sibling is 7 years younger and we have Nothing on common at all. If I had an only I wod feel just as bless as having 7 (8) kids and we should respect everyone choice to have as many or as little a family as they want/ are able to have.

CallieTorres · 16/01/2016 18:21

I like my 'boring' 2, thanks

SparklyTinselTits · 16/01/2016 18:38

I come from a large extended family. Mum is one of 5. All of her brothers and sisters have 2 or 3 children, and now most of us "kids" have children. (My maternal grandmother is grandma to 19, and great-grandma to 13) I grew up surrounded by loads of other kids, always had someone to play with, and now my sister and my cousins are my closest friends
Whereas DH was an only child for 13 years. His mum and dad both remarried and had other children with their respective partners. But DH grew up with his grandparents, so never really had much to do with his half siblings. He doesn't even know his cousins/aunts/uncles etc. We went for a meal for his gran's 80th birthday, and I asked him who a few of the guests were. He said he didn't have a clue! (Turns out they were 2 of his cousins he had never met!)
We only have one DD at the moment, but DH and I definitely want a big family, 5 children would be our limit financially though.
I can't wait to add to our family

sugarplumfairy28 · 16/01/2016 19:08

We currently have 2 children and have been talking/planning number 3. I only have one brother and to be honest I felt lonely for most of my childhood. My extended family is big, I have 14 cousins on both sides, so 28 in total. My mum is one of 4 girls with two step brothers and a step sister, my Dad is one of 8. My Grandparents were both divorced and remarried before I was born.

I felt incredibly conscious that for adulthood I needed to have a strong relationship with my brother otherwise I'd be a bit like an only child. While we do get on, we don't socialise much and it's not what I would want for my children. One of my cousins (who is ever so slightly older than me) was more like a big brother to me through school than my brother was.

I think 3 is manageable but still gives the children options for who to play with, maybe if we have another girl, DD will have that lifelong sisterly love.

Holly34 · 20/01/2016 22:26

Really want to have a big family, Its so nice having one another!! Reality however is different.. Finances bigger house jobs do matter!! but what really matters is the mothers and fathers attitude towards the larger family!!

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