@Irisjj thank you so much. Your message really means a lot. hearing from people who truly understand your pain without having to explain anything is truly irreplaceable.
I’m scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. Relieved I didn’t tell more than a handful of people who needed to know.
why does it feel like such a personal failure?
I’ve no idea if there is any hope of another round. We can’t bear to have the conversation right now.
the scan today didn’t surprise me but I hadn’t realised how much I was hoping until it all came smashing down on us.
It hurts that they are having to make me wait for a confirmation scan. I know they are just following legal protocols but it’s torture and I’m sure a part of me is still hoping a miracle will happen between now and Wednesday. It won’t. The chances are almost zero. But try telling my heart that.
what a fall. I didn’t realise how high I’d climbed. It feels like I was about to reach a path to the top, and at the top was a ladder up to the base of the next mountain, a whole other world that I will never be part of. I glimpsed it and now I’m back at the bottom, in a pile of splintery rubble.
I keep thinking… maybe, statistically speaking, I have to be the one left behind. So that someone, somewhere else can be the one who makes it.
some lovely person, somewhere up the mountain, is holding her tiny treasured baby in her arms and smiling, like nothing else in the world matters. And maybe somehow I can see the beauty in that x