Anyone else struggling TTC number 2 after struggling with number 1?

[Moonkittens]

I just wondered if anyone else out there can relate and wants to chat? I used these boards alot the first time round but it feels like a different space trying again for number 2.

It took us 3.5 years to get pregnant with our DD which included a horrendous experience on clomid and emergency surgery, followed by 4 rounds of IVF: 3 x BFNs and then miraculously a BFP, which wasn't without its complications as it started as a multiple pregnancy and ended as a single one. Those years were the worst time of my life - lonely, sad, everything on hold, the desperate hope followed by devastating disappointment and setbacks - as anyone on these boards will know!

Just over a year ago I felt ready to try again but was so scared about going back to that dark time in my life. I thought it would be easier this time around, as I have my DD who I'm grateful for every single day, and to start with it was. But I can feel myself sinking into that horrible sadness again and I'm struggling with the people in my life having second babies so easily whilst we're left behind again. So far we have had 1 fresh cycle (BFN), a FET that ended in an ectopic which was heartbreaking and traumatic, and now another FET which has ended in BFN. This time around was probably the most pregnant I've felt and I was convinced it had worked but the tests don't lie. It all feels so unfair and I hate how it's become all consuming again.

I thought I'd start a thread for anyone else struggling to have a sibling who wanted to share, as I completely appreciate this is a different scenario from TTC when you have no children, with some different challenges.

Hey! Not sure if I can relate directly but would also be nice to share and meet others ttc to conceive their second child as there are lots of posts for ttc for first

Just a little on my background. I have one boy who is 2.5years old and ttc to baby no2. I think approximately this would be our 14th cycle. First child conceived after 15 cycles. I had slightly elevated prolactin the first time for which I took cabergoline for 3 months before conceiving.

As it had been close to a year since ttc 2, I have been put on cabergoline again (since July 2022) for 6 months. This time prolactin very very slightly elevated but the DR and Endo dept thought they would try this again. day 21 tests all fine as far as can tell.

I have consulted privately and although we haven't been trying for 2 years they mentioned they can do some initial tests such as the AMH/pelvic and hyscosy to check tubes. So if I am out this month...then I may go for these next month. Just comes at a price :( but I just need some reassurance too whilst we keep trying.

I also have lots of friends who already had their 2nd babies and it's hard to hear every month! Even tho I am very happy for them.

Hoping to join and just share my journey with you all and hear all about your journeys too. X

Hi @Moonkittens

I can definitely relate. We tried for nearly 2 years to have DD and eventually conceived after a super ovulation and IUI cycle. She's now 4. We've been trying for nearly 3 years for a sibling for her, I've had 5 IVF transfers and all BFN, latest was last week. I'm struggling a lot with the unfairness of it all and feel like I'm just not strong enough to keep going through it all. Personally, it is nowhere near as devastating as primary infertility was and I'm so incredibly grateful for DD but I can't help but feel like extending a family is so easy for everyone else. In particular my cousin has just had baby number 3, her DD is 9 months younger than mine. Even the idea of seeing her makes me feel panicked, angry and sad.
DD is v. into imaginative play at the moment and all her dollies are her "little sister" which just makes me want to burst into tears.
I have good days and bad days and know I'm totally in the darkness right now after another failed cycle but it is hard to imagine ever feeling totally happy and content again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this too and for your devastating losses. This journey is really shitty and unfair.

Hi everyone. Hoping you don’t mind me joining the thread. I’m experiencing tertiary infertility after conceiving my two children naturally and relatively easily in 2016 and 2018.

we’ve been trying for around 19 months now and I’ve really struggled with my mental health during this time. I’m incredibly grateful for my two children and I completely understand that some people don’t have any and go through much worse but I think it’s all relative to the individual and I’m finding it very difficult to cope with. I think I was naive in thinking because we had two, we could have another. Everything has been planned for the last 6 years or so around having three children. I’ve had to watch so many friends and family members get pregnant and have babies during this time and I just dread when the next announcement is going to be. Lots of my friends have had a third now and I just don’t understand why they can and we can’t.

we were all set to try IVF for unexplained secondary infertility, then we went to a new fertility clinic to sign up basically and my husbands test results came back below on every measure. We are waiting for a repeat test to understand if this is the issue or whether it was a one off bad result (all previous tests have been fine). they recommended ICSI which we don’t want to do so I thought over the past week or so that I felt better and had come to terms with not having another and then today I feel sad again and back onto IVF. I just don’t know where my head is at. All I know is I’m really sad, don’t feel complete and think it’s going to be very difficult to walk away from without that much wanted outcome.

I hope I don’t sound ungrateful as realise you are all trying for a sibling but the feeling of not completing your family is still there x

Thank you all so much for replying, I was feeling really lonely when I started this thread and it helps to know that other people out there understand, even though I wish we weren't all in this situation.

@Jen05p that sounds really hard! The cycle of hope and disappointment every month is such a killer. I would say it's worth having further tests, you may get some more answers. It's such a complex area. I've had so many investigations over the years and even now 6 years down the line we're discovering things that we didn't know before. It is all bloody expensive though! Can you get any investigations through the NHS?

Sounds like you have a lockdown baby too - I know a little part of wanting another one for me is the chance to experience having a baby and mat leave not in a pandemic! I was so grateful to have something positive to focus on in 2020 but it REALLY sucked that DH couldn't be with me in labour and our families didn't get to meet her when she was tiny. And mat leave was quite lonely at times without any of the support you'd usually have as a new mum.

@florafoxtrot I agree it's not so devastating as primary infertility and wondering if you'll ever be a mum at all. It's more seeing that age gap get wider, wondering what your existing child would be like as a sibling, seeing everyone else expanding their families and planning for the future whilst you're stuck in limbo again. I completely know what you mean about struggling to feel content again - I know that the first time around the darkness only lifted when i got pregnant. And I don't want to feel like that again and I'm trying to find ways to feel happy but I'm always waiting for that next cycle and hoping that will be the one.

My DD is also very into babies at the moment and has been asking for a baby sister... it's so hard isn't it.

Yes can definitely feel the sadness of knowing and seeing how easily some can get their BFPs.

I started this morning so was another hard morning. Although I was getting my usual symptoms so deep down kinda knew. Onto the next cycle sadly. Next AF due around 27th Dec. Approx this would be our 14/15th cycle.

I am going to get the amh /pelvic scan and check tubes now that my af has arrived. Just feeling so anxious every month. I really thought after first took longer than usual that it would be easier this time!

Hope all you are well. Keep us updating where you are in your cycle xx

Hi @Anonbaby that sounds really hard. I think once you've decided you want another child and you start to picture them as part of your family it's heartbreaking when it doesn't happen, no matter how many you already have. And it must be incredibly frustrating to conceive easily and then not be able to again. I know I'm so lucky to be a mum but we always hoped to have two, there's space in our hearts and our family for another little person and I don't know how to come to terms with that not happening. For now we'll keep trying but it gets harder to pick yourself up each time, I'm just not ready to face the alternative of giving up yet. It's a huge decision to walk away from it all isn't it.

Hi all,

I have been for the AMH/pelvic scan and hyscosy this morning. Everything is good and they didn't see anything abnormal which is reassuring. Although all of it was uncomfortable it was okay and glad to know there is nothing "wrong" as such. The DR has recommended just seeing how it goes this cycle and then if not then next cycle they may try inducing ovulation with a scan pre ovulation and an injection. I think she said hcg. I'm currently CD9 and DR saw one of the follicles was quite big so she said it should be ready by day 14! Fingers crossed. Not really doing anything different this time but sometimes they say hyscosy flushes out the tubes too so hopefully fingers crossed.

Hope all is well x

Could I join?
Went through fertility treatment for my first
Was abit on the fence about going through it all again for a sibling but bit the bullet and started out not really caring but now like you said I feel like I'm going back down the rabbit hole !!!! It's a really hard one isn't it

Hi,

Can I join?
@Moonkittens I feel everything you have said! The fact that we thought it would be easier for a 2nd, feeling a bit robbed of mat leave during a pandemic etc. How old is your little one? Mine is 2.5 and I love him so dearly...so so grateful to have him. And I completely know what you mean about dd being into babies...my DS likes babies and smiles so much when he sees pictures of them or real ones!

We have unexplained infertility. We had all the investigations, some IUIs and thankfully had our son after our 2nd ivf/1st FET. We have had our remaining embryos transfered and have had a bfn, miscarriage, bfn. It's so so hard especially now it feels like we hit that category of recurrent implantation failure.

My DS is a lockdown baby too born jus before the pandemic
We had quite devastating diagnosis for my DH which meant we used donor sperm. I conceived DS on my second IUI and didn't have any meds etc
I've just had 5 failed IUIs I feel so silly for carrying on with them and wasting all that time and money! my previous dr said just to do more IUIs as it's no different to trying naturally and I still had a good chance, but I saw a new dr who said I have abit low AMH for my age so i should have had more tests on myself and i need to do IVF which I feel abit scared about ! Also abit annoyed no-one ever explained this to me before.
I also just want to spend time with my DS when I'm not in work so I don't want all of this to make me into a shell of a person

@Jen05p I'm glad your hycosy went ok and gave you some reassurance! It's not the most pleasant experience is it. At mine they said my right tube might be blocked, it's only 5 years down the line I've recently discovered I don't actually have a right tube! It's so crazy and frustrating trying to get answers to this stuff. Fingers crossed for this cycle and sounds like you have a plan for the way forward if it doesn't work xx

@pamplemoussee your AMH is a bit low for your age? How old are you? I didn't know there was anything that could be done with low(er) AMH. What can they do?
Aww yes, I know how you feel about feeling like you're throwing money away. I feel that with our last fets. I also feel terrible that we've doomed these embryos to fail! And when our clinics tell us to keep going, we listen because we think they know what they are doing. Do you know what you will do next?

@Zest11 they said when my AMH was last tested (which was just before having treatment for my DS) it was in the lower range of average for my age (I was 31/32 at the time). But then that clearly didn't make much difference as I conceived no problem last time..!
I'm now 35 and they haven't tested it since I came back to the clinic but the new doctor is now retesting it as she says they should have tested it again when I came back esp due to it being a lower number

You just feel in a vulnerable position really don't you as you try to just trust they're the experts but then it all seems to be done so differently between the different doctors and it just feels like maybe I haven't had the right advice to date so I've just thrown money down the drain and wasted time . Anyway I feel like I'll hopefully be able to have one go with the ivf and what will be will be either way.

Did you say you'd done IVF for your DC? Do you mind if I ask what it's like as I don't really know much about it and the doctor talked v fast I felt it just went above my head

Hi
Im new
Im in a different situation my DS is 11yrs old i had him when i was 20 quite by accident (blessing he was) but i didnt even try to get pregnant i have been a single mum to him his bio dad wanted nothing to do with us dispite us being together from 16
So when my DS was 6 i met my now fiance we started TTC when my DS was 9yrs had tests all normal i was told to lose weight before they woud check my tubes 5stone ive so far managed 3 and im stuck
I fell pregnant in September then miscarried at 7weeks we were going to announce at xmas im so down right now nothing brings me joy then i feel guilty i not enjoying my DS enough somehow! We cant afford IVF and dont qualify because i have DS that makes me feel extra bad for my fiance
What does FET mean?
Thanks for reading
❤

@Zest11 It sounds like we're in a very similar situation, my DD is 2.5 too. It makes me a bit sad when we go to toddler groups and stuff and there are mums with little ones the same age plus a bump / baby. Do you have any more embryos to try with or would you have to start again? I wish there was a way to know why it hasn't worked when you have implantation failure, it's so hard. I know it worked once for us but we've had 7 transfers (8 embryos) in total and one baby so clearly the odds are not in our favour! We seem to make good embryos so I don't understand why they don't stick :(

@pamplemoussee it's so frustrating when different doctors tell you different things! We've had so many contradictions over the years and a few things that were downright wrong, but I didn't know enough to challenge at the time. If you're new to IVF I would definitely recommend the Big Fat Negative book and podcast, it's helped me alot. IVF seems daunting but once you're into it you have a plan and you just do it one step at a time, I always found the clinic made everything very clear. The worst part is the wait to test after the transfer and the emotional fall out if it doesn't work.

Sorry for the multiple posts, I've been trying to respond for ages and the page keeps crashing and doing strange things. We are just sorting out paperwork and meds to have another embryo transferred next cycle, so probably starting meds just after Christmas.

Anyone else finding Christmas a bit hard? I used to really struggle with this time of year when we were TTC the first time around and alot of those feelings are surfacing again. I'm enjoying doing festive things with my DD but I keep thinking that I should be pregnant now, and if we hadn't lost the baby in the summer I'd be looking forward to maternity leave in a few months. Instead we're going into 2023 facing more IVF and more unknown. And we'll be seeing family who are expecting no 2 next year and I just wish so much that we were getting excited for that too.

@Moonkittens thanks for the links I will look those up as feel completely clueless really with the whole thing

I'm going to wait until they tell me my AMH level before going ahead with IVF as feel if it's really low and there's a very poor chance I don't particularly want to do it !! But then maybe just one go at it would feel like I can then close the door entirely on fertility treatment whatever the result...

Do you know when you would do more treament in the new year?

I know what you mean it is a very different kind of feeling as with primary infertility I guess I found it excruciating at Christmas and the need to have a child felt unbearable really, whereas now it's more ... I suppose abit of sadness and grief for wanting to give my DC a sibling and potentially not being able to. It does feel like all the unknowns and putting life on hold sort of feelings all over again which I really didn't want ! I also feel abit of a gut wrench with other peoples pregnancy announcements again which is like ... it maybe brings up the pain abit for myself ??

@pamplemoussee congratulations on the weight loss! 3st is incredible, well done! It's so annoying when the results come back as normal - we have nothing to work with! FET is frozen embryo transfer so transferring the embryos from a previous round of IVF.

@Moonkittens I completely get how you feel, I feel the same. I feel cross at some people who have had or are having baby 2. And when I go to the groups I look at the mums with 2 kids and try and work out the age gap and get annoyed/sad when I work out they would have been pregnant by the time their eldest was 2.5 because I'm not t there. 8 transfers...it's so hard, we are on 5.

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that others are in this group but also comforted by the fact I am not the only one struggling with secondary infertility.

Took years to conceive our son, which we eventually did in our first attempt at ivf.

Did first FET in the spring, got pregnant.. assumed that our problem must have been with the egg meeting sperm part. That sadly ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks.

Just done second FET and found out that it failed. Surprisingly feel sadder now about it that my misscarriage. I think as it's getting closer to the original due date, I can't help but think about the what ifs..

Took my son to toddler group this morning and I swear almost every other mum there was pregnant, or holding a younger baby.

I agree it's not the same level of pain as struggling to conceive your first, but it's just sad. And the financial strain of funding multiple rounds of fertility treatment is just depressing..

@duckling3 sorry you're in the same boat
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage too

You're right the financial situation isn't easy and I just feel guilty almost for throwing money down the drain !

Do you have more embryos left to transfer?

Yea thankfully we have some more frozen embryos. I'm impatient to move forward next cycle but my husband thinks it might be better for us to take a little break. Will take a few days to let the disappointment settle from our recent negative and then decide how to move forward.

How's everyone else doing?

@Moonkittens are you doing anything to prepare for your next transfer?

@duckling3 very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I totally get your feeling about going to the toddler groups. I have a 2.5 yr old and my friend circle all now have their second child and all our first Borns were born together. So feel sad thinking I'm the only one now and I know it's not a race but it's so so hard when you are trying everything and you get disappointed every month.
@Moonkittens thanks for checking in. After the fertility tests I was feeling more hopeful but now it's 5 dpo and feeling all PMS so not sure. My af is due on 27th December so let's see. I'm trying to enjoy Xmas and the lead up to it all. How are you feeling and where are you in your cycle?

@duckling3 So sorry about your miscarriage and failed FET. I agree it is just sad. And gets cumulatively sadder each time. If our first round had worked earlier this year I'd be a few weeks off giving birth now, it's so shit. Instead here I am even more infertile than I was before! Completely agree about the financial burden too, feels so unfair that other people don't have to spend tens of thousands of pounds to try and get pregnant! And sometimes I feel bad that we are spending so much on this when we could be saving that for DD's future or spending it on our family now, rather than a hypothetical future child that may not happen. I'm not really doing anything in particular to prepare for the next FET, just folic acid and vit D. With fresh cycles I've always been good with diet, no alcohol, supplements etc in the few months prior so that I feel we've done everything we can to create the best quality embryos but I'm not sure there is much you can do to influence a FET. Although I'm open to suggestions!