Anyone else struggling TTC number 2 after struggling with number 1?

[Moonkittens]

I just wondered if anyone else out there can relate and wants to chat? I used these boards alot the first time round but it feels like a different space trying again for number 2.

It took us 3.5 years to get pregnant with our DD which included a horrendous experience on clomid and emergency surgery, followed by 4 rounds of IVF: 3 x BFNs and then miraculously a BFP, which wasn't without its complications as it started as a multiple pregnancy and ended as a single one. Those years were the worst time of my life - lonely, sad, everything on hold, the desperate hope followed by devastating disappointment and setbacks - as anyone on these boards will know!

Just over a year ago I felt ready to try again but was so scared about going back to that dark time in my life. I thought it would be easier this time around, as I have my DD who I'm grateful for every single day, and to start with it was. But I can feel myself sinking into that horrible sadness again and I'm struggling with the people in my life having second babies so easily whilst we're left behind again. So far we have had 1 fresh cycle (BFN), a FET that ended in an ectopic which was heartbreaking and traumatic, and now another FET which has ended in BFN. This time around was probably the most pregnant I've felt and I was convinced it had worked but the tests don't lie. It all feels so unfair and I hate how it's become all consuming again.

I thought I'd start a thread for anyone else struggling to have a sibling who wanted to share, as I completely appreciate this is a different scenario from TTC when you have no children, with some different challenges.

@Jen05p Sorry to hear you are feeling PMS-y. I think Christmas makes all this even harder too! I'm in the second part of my cycle, have got all my meds ready to start another frozen IVF cycle when AF appears in a week or so. Since having the ectopic in the summer we have zero chance of ever conceiving naturally (no tubes) and in a way it's a bit of a relief to not have that hope and disappointment every month to deal with. Although at least one person has suggested that if I relax and have a few drinks over Christmas I might get pregnant ARGHHH

Hi all - can I join?

Another secondary infertility-er over here. Have DD who is 3 and have been trying to conceive babe number 2 for about 15 months. 3 miscarriages at the beginning and now nothing. Im heartbroken. My DD is also talking a lot about having a sibling and it feels like all her friends have either a sibling or another on the way. I've been working with a fertility clinic the past few months to have further investigations - all clear. AMH is on the lower side but AFC good. We then went ahead and tested DH dna fragmentation and bingo, he's the issue. I'm not sure if I'm happy or really sad something was found. Anyway it's lovely to have a group of ladies who really get what secondary infertility feels like and the heartbreak of thinking their little one won't have a sibling xx

@bunnykins123
So sorry you're struggling. It's so hard! Have the clinic given you any advice re. the DNA frag? My DH initial tests through NHS were all fine but he had a DNA frag test before our second fresh cycle and it came back quite high (can't remember exactly, but over 30%) which maybe partially explains why we had a low fertilisation rate and not brilliant quality embryos on our first go. He took proxeed supplements, cut out alcohol and we tried to broadly follow Mediterranean diet principles for 3 months and when the clinic retested his DNA frag had dropped down to 1% or something. It was quite incredible how much of a difference making some lifestyle changes seemed to have. I did all those things too. And on our second cycle we had higher fertilisation and much better quality embryos, one of which became my DD. Probably attributable to various factors including tweaking my meds but I do think it helped. Feel free to ignore me but I thought worth mentioning in case it's helpful :)

@Moonkittens thank you so much for your reply! So annoyingly, my consultant is out of the office until early Jan so I can't talk through the results with them. Cue obsessive google searching 😂 That's the exact same as DH - his is 32% and infertile is from 31%. I've already got him (and me too now!) onto Impryl and I'm basically force feeding him fresh food but the alcohol thing is a tricky one. This couldn't have come at a worst time as obviously being Xmas, he wants to see friends etc and drink. Did your DH completely cut out alcohol? Honestly, it's so lovely to hear a success story - most things I read online about fragmentation and conception is all unsuccessful so it's great to know it's possible. Did you get your DH checked for a variocelle? I'm a bit blind at the moment as I've had no advice from the clinic 🤦‍♀️ also did you do ivf or icsi? Sorry for all the questions 💕

@Moonkittens ahhh I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking "if it had worked, our baby would have been due in a few weeks." It's so rubbish. At the time I was like "Ahh a January birthday would have been rubbish" and was trying to comfort myself but a January birthday would have been better than no birthday! Arghhh! How are you feeling about your impending FET? Do you have an idea as to when ET may be?
@bunnykins123 welcome! I hope the DNA fragmentation has a treatment suggestion. I am wondering whether to get my husband to have one. 3 miscarriages at the start must have been so unbearably tough.

@bunnykins123 He did pretty much cut it out for 3 months apart from the odd social thing (and he likes a drink!) but he started it from January and then we did IVF in the April. I don't think he would have been up for not drinking over Christmas! There is a good book which you may have already come across called 'it starts with the egg' which talks about things both men and women can do to improve egg / sperm quality, I didn't follow everything in it as some seemed a bit extreme but there are some useful principles and things we found easy to do.

We had IVF, the clinic did say based on his results we were borderline for ICSI but we decided to stick with IVF.

@Zest11 I was thinking the same about a January birthday and when it failed I was like ok well we have more embryos and they'll have a better birth month, slightly better age gap maybe - but now here I am with the due date approaching and I just bloody wish I was pregnant! I think my FET will be mid January. Not really looking forward to going through it all again, I'm scared to get my hopes up tbh. I just feel like it's never going to happen.

Oh please can I join?? I relate so much @Moonkittens

I have just stumbled across a blooming pregnancy announcement on social media and it's done me in. I was having a break from it and that's exactly what I didn't need to see.

I also have a 2.5YO DD. I have PCOS and had just had my IVF funding approved on the NHS when a random seventh cycle of clomid worked and DD 'stuck' (I had two chemical pregnancies before her). She took the best part of three years. People kept telling me it might all be fine the second time now my body knows what to do. Wankers. Falsely got my hopes up. Here I am one miscarriage and six cycles of clomid in with nothing to show for it. Back to the consultant on 3rd and I think we've pretty much exhausted all the NHS can do. I don't think I can handle IVF. This is all taking away so much enjoyment from what I have with DD. EVERYONE is having seconds. Literally my three closest friends all due between Feb - May with a second. It's brutal.

Lately I also get such utter rage at how easy some people have it too! I know that's unreasonable but fucking hell it's a strong feeling...

Hi just came across this thread and it could have been me writing this post. Have a dd who is an April 20 lockdown baby. It took us 20 months to have her after having all fertility tests come back normal. We’ve been ttc baby number 2 since October 21 and it’s just not happening.

The first time it totally consumed me and I can feel myself going down that rabbit hole again. I’m just so down and can’t believe going through it again.

Thank you for starting this post. I'm too had a lockdown Nov 2020 baby. It took us 3 years to conceive our DS and surprisingly medicated IUI worked for us on our first go so somewhat of a miracle. I'm terrified of having to go through it all again. It really nearly broke me. I honestly feel traumatised by the whole infertility/pregnancy through lockdown/newborn during lockdown. I'm not quite ready to try for baby number 2 but can't quite bring myself to NOT try (if you see what I mean!). I'm also 35 now so now I've got to somewhat get moving. Can someone tell me what I can access on the NHS. Will the Drs do bloods again for me and refer me to the hospital again? I'm not sure what I am allowed/not allowed to have as I already have my DS. Thank you for posting your messages. It makes me feel less alone in this whole thing x

I feel the exact same as you. Scared to admit to myself that I’m trying for fear of it not happening x

I asked my GP exactly this as I wasn't sure how close to the beginning I had to go for attempting to have a second.

Already having a PCOS diagnosis, I was just handed more clomid meds at an appt with my consultant. She did get DH to do another sperm test and I had some basic bloods and then a couple of months of progesterone tests. But it was very much these are the boxes we need to tick but here are the drugs let's crack on just make sure you've got the tests all done before I give you any more type of thing.

That said, after the clomid runs out (which is now) I've been told I may be able to have a few cycles of letrazole but then I am out of luck on the NHS. For my condition the next thing would be IVF and you don't qualify if you have a child already.

Hi everyone,
I came across this thread today and I just would like to share my feelings and what is happening. I have a daughter who is 5 yrs old she was conceived after 16 months of trying and during that time I had blood tests done, transvaginal scan and a test to check the fallopian tubes where dye is injected and my husband had his sperm motility and count tested-these tests were all done via nhs and the results all came back normal. The last test I had during that time was the fallopian tubes and the next cycle I was pregnant I don't know if flushing out the tubes helped but I conceived on the next cycle.

We didn't try for a second baby until Nov 2021 as my daughter has autism and it was really challenging to have rest as I was very much exhausted. She started full-time school (reception) and so we decided to try and cycle no.2 I was pregnant (Dec 2021) but sadly had a miscarriage at 6.5 weeks and then tried again after 2 cycles and fell pregnant in march 2022 but sadly another miscarriage at 5.5 weeks. The heartbreak is very unimaginable and the pain when I saw a positive pregnancy test making me realise that having a positive result does not guarantee that you will have a successful pregnancy. The miscarriages were natural I bled for 10 days.
Gp did refer me to a gynaecology clinic but the consultant said that on the nhs you need to have a minimum of 3 miscarriages (consecutive) for us to investigate and all the clinics in my catchment area have the same criteria. I then took a break from trying as during the summer holidays i started getting panic attacks and now have daily ectopic (PAC) heartbeat. Where my heart skips and gives an extra beat and it also flutters.

We decided to try again, we tried Oct, Nov but not this month (dec) as me and my daughter both became will with covid. So will hopefully start trying again in Jan 2023 which will be cycle no.3. It's very heartbreaking as with my family who all live close by are very fertile and relatives keep asking dont you want a second baby, are you trying and you don't want to leave it to late as you are getting older etc. I am 34 yrs old and I would love to have a second baby my daughter like many of you have mentioned in your posts about your children she would love to have a sibling, she keeps saying baby brother/ sister. She loves playing with children and is very effectionate.

Also a close relative is pregnant and I am very happy for her, but very down with my own struggle and yes I do have thoughts which consume my mind about why is it so difficult for us to get pregnant. I have tried ovulation tracking, lying down and raising legs after DTD etc but to no avail and even if I was to get pregnant the thought of having another miscarriage would terrify me and just add to my thinking that there might be an underlying issue. No one in my close family has had miscarriages and they have conceived quite easily as they have mentioned this when talking about TTC & babies and I am just sat there with my sadness. Infertility & miscarriages are very verg upsetting and can take a lot out of you mentally and physically.

@Bighugs88
Hello
Your having a tough time too! I have a son who has autism and we are struggling with no.2
Ive heard about flushing tubes boosting chances
I too had a miscarriage in Nov so because i got pregnant they just discharged me and told me to try another year then they will re refer me & my partner onto the 18mnth wait list 🙃
I didnt try last cycle avoided the fertile period for a couple reasons i was ill with flu and ended up with antibiotics and steroids but also emotionally i wasnt ready to face another positive test that may amount to nothing
Our area is the same 3 consecutive miscarriages before investigating but often they find no cause anyway
Im sorry i have no advice as such it just sucks but wanted you to know your not alone xx

@Mumof1hopingfor2nd

Hello,
Thank you for your reply and I am sorry that you are also going through a tough time. It's very hard for me to be happy, but when I look at my daughter I know I am lucky to have her in my life. However, there are times I feel very lonely and I have spoken to a few people from my daughter’s school who have/are going through a similar situation, eventhough I would not wish this on anyone but I now come to realise this can happen to anyone and falling pregnant isn't always easy and straightforward like what I was taught at school.

To be honest with you TTC has also become more like a chore &does make me and husband tired, so we are trying to do other things like going out and spending time with each other to get in the mood.
Having 2 miscarriages in a row and then struggling to get pregnant has made me very emotional and sad. I know my well-being and health comes first and will try again and see what happens. Wishing baby dust to everyone on this forum x

How is everyone doing? I have to say I was sort of relieved when Christmas was over and we could start again in a new year. I've had my embryo transfer today, it all went fine but I'm finding it hard to be positive, I've done this too many times now! I found it so emotional and cried basically the whole time I was at the clinic. I've also had a very stressful afternoon trying to do some work and get our boiler fixed as we currently have no heating or hot water, so I'm very far from relaxed! Hope my stress levels don't affect anything :(
My DD randomly asked me tonight if I've got her baby sister in my tummy - really hope she's right!

Can i join? I have been trying for my second child since Feb 2022. I really thought something was wrong but finally fell in sept/ oct 2022 which ended in an ectopic at 9 weeks. I have no words to describe the trauma it has left me with. I have a 5.5 yo and terrified she wont have anyone or the age gap will be too big if im lucky enough for it to happen. Whenever I think about it i burst into tears. I also have a close friend at work that has told me she is pregnant. She would have been due around exactly the same time as I would have been and i know it sounds awful but im doing everything i can to avoid her. I just cant face it . It took me one cycle to fall with my first baby . You never think these things will happen to you . Its left me feeling totally consumed and i just want to scream . I now spend most of my days scrolling through google for hours on end and usually end up scaring myself. Terrified that if it does happen again it will for sure be another ectopic and i will lose my other tube. Its so awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone xx

Hi Everyone. I think I have dipped into this thread before but we are coming up to two years of TTC our third baby and like everyone else, feel truly heartbroken and struggling to cope. It’s just so terrible to not be able to complete your family vision.

We are really looking at IVF now but myself and my OH aren’t on the same page which makes it so difficult. We are currently having counselling to try and help us come to some kind of decision. I also never thought we would be in this mess when we had our previous children without any major issues.

Thinking of everyone on here xx

@Pixie18 I had an ectopic last summer and I completely understand the trauma. It's an utterly brutal and heartbreaking way for a pregnancy to end. Mine was almost 6 months ago and I still think about it all the time. It was discovered at an early scan and still had a heartbeat, I just remember sobbing, utterly devastated waiting to go to theatre, knowing I was saying goodbye to my much wanted baby and wanting so badly to hold on to it. Like you I have a close family member expecting on almost exactly the same due date and I've found it really hard watching them go through all the stages we should have been when I didn't get to keep my baby. I hate that I've been a rubbish friend to her but I just can't do it. Big hugs to you, it's a unique kind of trauma and I get it xxxx

Well our latest transfer is a BFN, my OTD isn't until next Tuesday (for some reason my clinic make you wait 13 days after transfer) I did a FRER this morning at 9dp5dt so I would have expected that to give an accurate result. Plus I've been spotting the entire time despite being on extra progesterone and that has been getting worse each day so I knew it hadn't worked. I'm so sad, I just wish I understood why this keeps happening when the embryo looks to be good. I feel like the ectopic was our only chance and I'm just never going to get pregnant again. Feeling very sorry for myself today!

Oh @Moonkittens I'm so sorry. It's so so devastating seeing that single line and I expect squinting to see if something is there. I wonder why the spotting has happened. Our last et failed too (in Dec) and your feelings are the same as mine - why do seemingly good embryos keep failing??!! I'm really sorry, heartbroken for you.

Thanks @Zest11 It is so hard isn't it when you get your hopes up that this could finally be the one and you might be able to leave this horrible journey behind. I don't know whether to go down the route of more testing around implantation but the advice seems to be really mixed and I don't know where to start with it. Plus it's more money to find. It happened successfully once before so why can't it happen again?! Do you have more embryos frozen? We have a few but the quality is worse than the ones we've put back so far. I don't know whether to try again straight away or have a break, just feel like time isn't on my side since it took us so long the first time around too. My DD will be 3 in a few months and I really thought I'd have a baby or be pregnant by then :(

How is everyone getting on? The phantom pregnancy symptoms are real for me atm. Does this happen to anyone else or am i mad ? 😫

Hi all, can I join? I have a 4 year old DD who was the result of our 6th round of ivf (over a period of 5 years). I had a v traumatic pregnancy, prem birth, early health issues and terrible tongue tie/feeding issues that pushed me to the brink of pnd. She is now happy, health and the absolutel centre of our world and I always swore I’d never even dare
hope for another if we were lucky enough to have a child.

And yet. We’ve sold all our baby stuff. She’s starting school in September. I have had a could fitted to sort my awful endometriosis. And all of a sudden, all I can think about are the other 3 PGS tested embryos we have sitting in the freezer at the clinic.

DH and I had pretty much written off trying again and just pay the storage fee to the clinic every year, but we’ve never quite been ready to say goodbye to them. DH isn’t fussed about having another one and is happy to move forward as a family of 3, but this longing has hit me out of nowhere like a 10 tonne truck.

I had to have a huge amount of meds to get me through my last pregnancy and not sure if I could go through the stress and trauma again for it not to work. But at least then I’d know we’d tried? DH wouldn’t need to participate as it would just be an FET. I don’t even know how to bring it up 🤦‍♀️.