Platitudes that really annoy you

[FairyAnn]

I'm in a grump. About to start our 4th embryo transfer after nearly 3 years of trying, so I'm feeling extra grumpy.

So I feel like having a rant about the things people say to you that they think makes you feel better (I should add that I know 99% of the time these come from a place of love but I'm grumpy)

'Lucky you' - when I've mentioned a lie in or early night. Usually followed by them telling me how tired they are due to their children.

'If you were really desperate, you'd try anything' - when I mentioned I won't give acupuncture a go.

'You don't want to book X, you might get pregnant' - when I mention booking a non-pregnant-friendly activity to cheer myself up after our Unexplained infertility diagnosis.

Any more? Feel free to rant away!

Did I mention that I'm grumpy...?

I had paragraphs in there when I typed it 🙄

“Your time will come”.

“My best friend’s cousin’s mum’s brother’s wife got pregnant after they stopped trying/relaxed/gave up dairy/went to a faith healer/some other nonsense”.
“I bet you have great holidays”.
“Oh, you can’t have kids? Want one of mine?”
“At leafy you’ll never have to deal with morning sickness”
And on a recent thread here...
“There are lots of ways to be a mum.”

Infertility bingo:

Have you thought about adopting?
Or even worse “why don’t you just adopt?” It’s the just in the question that REALLY annoys me, it’s almost as if people equate adoption in difficulty with popping to the shop to pick up a pint of milk.

“Have you tried....?” Invariably something either some shit with no evidence of effectiveness whatsoever or something given that you’ve had multiple rounds of IVF you’ve either tried or your consultant has decided isn’t appropriate for you.

“What will you do if it doesn’t work?” (I don’t fucking know)

“Why don’t you just...” again usually some shit suggestion like relax/get drunk/go on holiday.

“Think positive” why would I think positive about something that is more likely to fail than it is to succeed? That’s just setting myself up for more disappointment.

“I knew a couple who......” this is the tale of the mythical unicorn couple who “ had no sperm or eggs and had had 100 failed cycles of IVF who decided to give up, go on the adoption list and then relaxed, went on holiday, got drunk and bam they got pregnant”. A load of total bollocks. This is very rare, but every man and their dog seems to have one of these stupid stories.

I can’t believe I forgot about “just adopt”!
As if anyone struggling to conceive hadn’t thought about it before. It’s so patronising.

‘Have you tried timing around ovulation?’ - no Sandra we’ve been stabbing in the dark for the past 3 years!

‘If you just relax and take your mind off it, it will happen’ - who knew that could solve Male factor infertility! 🙄

Cross posted with @PurpleDaisies and forgot the “at least....” bollocksy platitude frequently thrown around. Usually something like “at least you get to have lie ins/to have great holidays” or other such shite.

'It'll happen when you elast expect it....'
'You need to relax...'
'Have you tried putting your legs in the air it a 90 degree angle for precisely 15 minutes and 13 seconds after having sex on the 2rd Tuesday of the month at 6.43pm' or some other inane sex anecdote
'You can always adopt'
'It'll happen'

I'm sure I'll add more later but they make my blood boil

Oh god I forgot, 'you can have one of mine'

I've started saying 'Okay then' with a really serious face and watch them get a bit scared that I'm not joking....

People are so thoughtless. The “want one of mine?” comment has to be up there as one of the worst! Perhaps a little rude of me....but I once replied “no thank you, I’d much prefer to have a child that hasn’t already been f£&!ed up by you” 😳

I know this is slightly off topic but I had a miscarriage and have had the most insensitive comments:
'At least you weren't very far along' (I was 11 weeks)
'If you got pregnant once you can get pregnant again' (like I lost a packet of Polos I had bought from Asda)
'You just have to forget about it and move on'

Yep l totally

I’m going with:
-“why not adopt?” I’m not a simpleton, l know that’s an option but it’s not for me. Plus lm already burned out by lots of hoop jumping already
-“awww lm sure it will happen for you”. Combined with an arm or shoulder stroke. Often by someone who is pregnant
-“these things happen”. No shit

Oh, and then there's the one where their kids are running around screaming or having a tantrum and they look at you and say ' are you sure you still want one?'

Yes Karen, because I'm not an idiot who believes all children are perfectly behaved angels!

My consultant joked that he should prescribe holidays because of the amount of people that his patients were told about that were once infertile and them got drunk on holiday and had twins.

Yes! Holidays and alcohol are apparently all you need to get pregnant instantly 🙄 that one never gets old...

Oh, just remembered another good one - 'at least you can have fun trying' because as long as you're getting sex, who cares if you're infertile, right?

I have a few :)

Fertility consultant after recent miscarriages:
At least you know you can get pregnant

work colleague after the most recent of the above:
At least it wasn’t eptopic

25 year old new girlfriend of Dp’s 38 year old best mate on the second time I met her told me of her ‘friend of a friend of a friend of the unicorn doing ivf’ who went on holiday and just relaxed and came back pregnant’. While I was reeling from the shock without taking a breath she announced her own pregnancy and produced a scan picture then proceeded to say how awkward she found the timing!!

You should have gone to church more (and then I wouldn't have had 5 miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopics!)

Just relax and it will happen.....how that going to work then Linda when I've lost both tubes to ectopic and it would need to be the bloody immaculate conception!

@Celerysam these people are either mythical or the cynic in me says they went abroad for egg donation IVF under the guise of a holiday.

Oh, a work friend was told by his MIL that him and his wife had fertility issues due to them having a cat?! We still don’t understand that logic but anyway!

@EL8888
My mother said that about me having cats too! Think it's a generational thing! 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think lots of the holiday and relaxing stories are actually ivf or similar but the couple don't want to let on when telling their insensitive friends, who then tell everyone else!

Gosh some of these are appalling. Particularly, do you want one of mine and are you sure you want one. Some of them are clumsy attempts at reassurance but people should learn that they're not helpful. I've been told that any sentence that begins 'at least..' should be excised from your vocabulary for anyone who's experienced a loss or trauma. It's invariably insensitive.

Is there anyone who has said something helpful? Or is it best just to listen in that situation?

I appreciate the friends who just listen, or simply agree when I'm ranting and say 'it sucks'

I like the ones who don't say 'it'll happen' because they acknowledge that it might not.

And as I said in my OP, I know that most of the time, people saying these other things don't mean any harm, but it can be very insensitive regardless

I agree it's very insensitive whatever the motives of the people saying it. I also agree that it'll happen isn't helpful. I know when I was worried about being seriously ill it was awful when someone said, it'll be fine: because they didn't know that and because it felt dismissive, like they couldn't be bothered to deal with my difficult feelings.

Sorry for your losses .

When I had my ruptured ectopic at 7 weeks after years of infertility a friend of mine said "the thing is some people wouldn't consider it a real baby at that stage"

I will poke the eyes out of the next person that tells me of their friends miracle conception. Oh and the next person that says "Oh you are having IVF, at least you can get twins now and get it all over with in one fo" (yes you just nip along to the clinic, make off with a couple of viable embryos and think, phew. That was easy)

Oh ive just remembered another gem " your problem is you eat too healthily (really not some sort of stealth boast here. I eat a very normal diet but my sister in law thinks that hummus and salad are exotic)