Platitudes that really annoy you

[FairyAnn]

I'm in a grump. About to start our 4th embryo transfer after nearly 3 years of trying, so I'm feeling extra grumpy.

So I feel like having a rant about the things people say to you that they think makes you feel better (I should add that I know 99% of the time these come from a place of love but I'm grumpy)

'Lucky you' - when I've mentioned a lie in or early night. Usually followed by them telling me how tired they are due to their children.

'If you were really desperate, you'd try anything' - when I mentioned I won't give acupuncture a go.

'You don't want to book X, you might get pregnant' - when I mention booking a non-pregnant-friendly activity to cheer myself up after our Unexplained infertility diagnosis.

Any more? Feel free to rant away!

Did I mention that I'm grumpy...?

These are really amusing me (obviously in a dark humour way) on an otherwise stressful morning.

I spent 15 years listening to these comments when I was married to my husband. My mil would gleefully tell people I couldn't have a baby because I was fat. Never told anyone it was because her son refused to do a sperm sample thus meaning I was unable to move forward in fertility treatments and that they also didn't agree with it, because they had kids, his sister had a child so if anyone had a problem it would be me. When his sister fell pregnant it was the final straw for me I sank into a massive depression and was hospitalised after 10 day migraine (history of brain injuries) and we spilt up a few days before she was born. Skip forward to last year and I've managed to fall Pregnant 4 times to the Fella I'm with now. Unfortunately though I've gone from thinking I was infertile for all those years to now not being able to carry much past 8-9 weeks. Now it's gone from just relax or stop thinking about it and it'll happen when it happens. To well at least you weren't that far on so it wouldn't even have being a baby so its pointless getting upset over it or it's just a heavy period so what's it matter. I'll just point out that my most recent one at 9 weeks was far from just a heavy period. I actually had contractions for around a week and a massive blood loss whilst passing hand sized blood clots.

When i had 3 early mcs in a row someone asked. 'Oh were they caused by stress?" Yeah, thanks. I killed them by not relaxing enough.

Also remember going to the hygienist (thought I’d be relatively safe from being wounded by platitudes but alas no!). She asked if I was having any medical treatment and I said I was between ivf cycles. She replied that I needed to ensure I went to the hygienist more regularly as even early onset gum disease could cause miscarriage (I’d just had one) :( Thought about complaining but she was just one more clueless muppet who thought she was being helpful so what’s the point!!

Everyone always thinks they are a fertility expert don’t they

Totally agree EL8888. They seem to think because they got (and stayed) pregnant, they know how everyone can. I’m sure it must come from a place of good but it’s absolutely infuriating.

Just to come at this from another angle, what should you say..? I've got a friend going through this at the moment and worry everything I say comes off as glib or patronising

Sorry to hear people have been so tactless

Yep l think people naively assume as it’s super easy for them, then it must be for others to get and stay pregnant. So others are doing something wrong. Bad news people, luck does have a lot to do with it. I am also confused why people seem attribute blame -usually to the woman e.g. “being too stressed” etc

My best friend who I love and means well had all the tact of a rhinoceros.

Telling her we were infertile & going to need IVF: oh no if you can’t get pregnant what will your life be like. You know I’m not even maternal and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me I couldn’t imagine life without children.

After returning from weeks holiday straight after failed ivf: you’re so lucky I miss the days of couple holidays

Sending her a picture of my new bath tray: you’re so lucky my bath is full of kids toys.

Honestly she doesn’t mean it she is a lovely person and so upset for me but she just has no tact!!!!

@Wolfgrrl Best advice I can give is just listen. Let them vent and rage. Agree that it sucks hard. If you're having a glass of wine, offer to pour them another. That's it really ☺️

' you'd make a great mum' yeah I'd like to think so but the universe isn't giving me the chance.

@wolfgrrl
I agree with @fairyann. Agree that it's shit and allow your friend to talk. It can feel pretty lonely when the other person on the journey is your partner and they just don't talk feelings and all you want to do is voice the irrational thoughts that go through your mind.
One of my close friends said to me that she doesn't like to ask incase I get upset ( I cried once when I first told them that we were struggling to conceive) so now she won't ask how I am, and I don't feel like I can actually talk about how I'm really feeling.

@Wolfgirrl and @Greenandpleasanter
Listen to your friend, agree it’s shit and allow her to talk about it if she wants to. All you can really do is listen to her if she wants to talk.

I think the most important thing to remember is that there isn’t anything you CAN say which is going to make her feel any better so don’t try to find something to say which will make her feel better because they’re isn’t anything. I think many of the insensitive and unhelpful platitudes are said in an attempt to try to say something helpful/constructive which will make people feel better, but they have the opposite effect.

Hi all
Agree with all the above. All I can add is just be as sensitive as if you were dealing with someone with any long standing medical condition. When I injured my ankle not one person suggested I go on a sponsored walk yet friends have suggested I arrange a mutual friend’s baby shower whilst knowing I’m going through IVF which from my point of view was insensitive (appreciate they didn’t mean to be and not everyone going through ivf would feel unable to do this but many would).

My mother telling me “stop stressing, the stress won’t help your low follicle reserve”
Cheers mum.

Friends telling me “it will happen” will it though? When? How? I’ve never had a slight BFP so please do tell me how and when...

I know people mean well but it’s just so difficult, especially when there’s baby announcements everywhere and bloody ads!

Just relax and it’ll happen”

If you stress it won’t happen”

I was stressed and anxious all through the ivf cycle and it worked so I don’t think stress affects outcome what so ever.

Oh and If you imply your having any problem conceiving and without people even knowing what the issue is I’ve had a relative say “I’d carry for you if I was younger” 🙄

What would be a helpful response to this discussion?

Sorry - that may have sounded sarcastic and isn't intended to be. I've sometimes found it hard to say the right thing to friends going through this.

I agree with everything so far! The one I've had a lot recently is, "If it's meant to be, it'll happen" or some variation on that. What if its not meant to be?

@MadeFrom100percentPears I think just sympathy really. And if they say anything that implies it's their fault, tell them it's not.

@FairyAnn
Thanks for starting this thread. I feel like having a moan today!

Here goes...

I'm 5 cycles in (5th cancelled mid cycle last week because of the corona virus - I have no words. I've heard alot of 'solutions'... I don't want solutions. Just tell me you're sorry and hug me. If you haven't walked in my shoes, you cannot advise me.

We have male factor infertility, and need ICSI.

I have had:
•Would you try a sperm donor
•Have you thought about adoption
•What about trying an egg donor
•Booking a holiday may help you relax, and therefore allow you to become miraculously pregnant naturally (this is impossible. My partner has azoospermia)
• Success stories: My next door neighbour/friend/work colleague had IVF and blah, blah, blah
• Relax (Piss off!)
•Maybe you don't need to be so strict in your healthy eating (Piss off. I'd try anything to make this work
•OMG- you can have twins

Each one of these comments/solutions have left me with varying degrees of rage. Now, I respond; as kindly as I can. I explain why none of the above if for us etc

@MadeFrom100percentPears - it's great that you're taking the time to acquire a little knowledge in this area. Knowing what to say, is as important as knowing what NOT to say.

P.s I like the nod to Stewart Lee!

@NRW39 if people didn’t keep making the stupid and infuriating comments you have mentioned, following the advice to relax might be a whole lot easier!! Not that relaxing would make any difference whatsoever to anyone’s infertility or their IVF outcome.

@EarlGreyT Ha! Exactly!!