TTC 18 months, struggling to get DP to DTD at the 'right time'

[Cactus30]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting and I'm looking for some support or advice.

I've been with my partner for 10 years (I'm now 30). He's always said that he wants children but has also said that be doesn't want them yet. I convinced him to stop using contraception a couple of years ago when we talked about how I desperately wanted children and we've been slowly progressing our TTC journey since (been to doctors, waiting for him to book an appointment for SA).

I think part of the problem is that we dont DTD often enough. We probably DTD around once a week and I try to time it so we DTD more often around what I think should be ovulation, but DP doesnt like the pressure of having to DTD on certain days so doesnt want to know anything about my cycle, and is often 'too tired' to DTD.

Any tips or advice on how I should approach this with him?

I had this with my DH - I think he thought we've got a whole 3 weeks of potential opportunities to fall pregnant - in the end I had to lay it down straight with him - I'm fertile for 4 days out of 30 - he can have the rest of the month to "rest" but those days he needed to put some effort in

I think also trying for the first baby is always harder. Once DC was born I didn't have anywhere near the lack of enthusiasm when it came to trying for a second

From experience , My advise is to DTD every 2-3 days throughout the whole month, not just your fertile days . Therefor the stress is off both of you to some extent, and the pressure that your husband is feeling will be less. It certainly helped my husband when we did it every 2-3 days from the day my period ended, because you also have a higher chance of catching the egg should you ovulate later or earlier than you think. Hope that helps. Xx

You said that he says he doesn't want them yet, maybe that's part of his reluctance to do it at the right time? I would probably have a frank conversation about what you both want.
However when you've been trying for so long it does but get a bit tedious and my DH was often the same, I think they just don't like having to do it on demand!

I think he doesn’t want children and is cruelly leading you on. My DH has a much lower sex drive than mine, we probably usually average twice a month. But now we’re TTC he’s really going for it, 6-7 times in a week across last fertile period (roughly SMEP) and it’s not the easiest for him but he understands how this works and he wants a baby as much as me. That’s what it takes. I’d be sitting your DP down and saying does he want a baby, here are the facts of what’s required to make that happen, and you’re not prepared to be strung along any more. He’s being really unfair to you.

The 2-3 day thing also encourages healthy sperm, it isn't good for sperm quality if he abstains (DTD or otherwise!) for too long. When having IVF they advise 2-3 days abstinence before providing a sample and definitely no longer than 5 days

It sounds like he doesn’t want to have children and you need to talk. Myself & DH were racking cycles and fertile period was coming up. His DM died suddenly and a few days later he still insisted on DTD god love him as he wants a baby as badly as I do - and that was tough on him. So tiredness is not an excuse. You need to have an honest talk I think.

@BeaCat yeah we've had lots of conversations about it but I think because he is reluctant hes more inclined to do the minimum required. Hes getting more serious now it's been so long and is agreeing to doctors appointments etc, I'm just worried that he won't be able to support me well throughout this journey because he doesnt feel as strongly about having children as I do.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted It doesnt help that his dad was 55 when he started having his kids so he thinks he has all the time in the world, no matter the number of conversations we've had he doesnt seem to get that women dont have the same luxury!

Honestly OP if something doesn’t change soon I’d consider leaving. He could draw this out for years more and as you know you have a time limit he doesn’t. He’s being incredibly selfish but you can choose to find another partner who does want what you want