What is there to life besides children?

[TheBeesKnee]

I am really not in a good place. Don't see the point of anything. Don't want to go to work, don't care about house. I am obsessed with having a baby, in DP's words.

We are facing infertility and I don't see the point in doing anything or carrying on if I can't have a baby.

What's the point of buying a house if the rooms stay empty?

What's the point of having a job and chasing promotions if the money isn't going anywhere?

What what what what what what is the fucking point?

Why am I doing any of this if it doesn't matter?

[RhubarbFizz]

It can be hard. Don’t know your details but we found seeing urologist Dr J Ramsey made a difference. But my DH did take the supplements suggested and treatments prescribed. 7 years of infertility treatments and struggles - yes with ultimate joy as well as losses on the way. 17 years to get our second child.

Looking back. Easy with hindsight. But wish I had made more of my energy and life in my late 20’s and my 30’s

[MissHoney85]

Yes I know, I am also one of 'us'. I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I'm just sharing some of the thought processes which help me, they may or may not help the OP or others.

[lilgreen]

[Poppins17]

During our fertility journey I used to think that our life couldn’t start until we had kids and were a family, until DH pointed out to me we were already living our life, every single day.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s like hell on earth when you are in the situation and you cannot see the wood for the trees.

We went through our own journey, ttc, IVF - a miscarriage and BFN, then part way through adoption process. We have it all up and decided to be childless and make the most of our life as a couple.

We moved house, I took a job closer to home with part time hours and we have travelled lots.

We are now considering if it’s the right long term choice for us - that’s another thread - but it is possible to be happy whatever the outcome of your journey, I promise. Sending you a big hug

[lilgreen]

I hope this doesn’t sound wrong but having children doesn’t equal happiness. Hope you get to a better place .

[PurpleDaisies]

Do you have children lilgreen?

[Arthritica]

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. It's unfair and it's horrible.

I've got a different kind of loss, but knowing I have my DP, my friends, my interests has helped. THanks to CBT, seeking out books. films and trips to see theatre I really love, planning travel to places I've only seen in the cinema - even if it takes a long time to save up for it - and simple things like planting flowers and sowing some veg seeds. When you're feeling that low, concentrasting on small pleasures - and recognising they are pleasures - can help your mindset.

I hope you find sourvces of happiness in your life.

[Meirion]

Everything. Your whole entire life. Everything that this world has to offer that isn't waiting on another person, feeding them and wiping their bum.

Art. Food. Wine. Travel. Books - reading as many as you can (far more than if you had kids), writing some. Friends - as many unsuitable friends as you want. Lovers - see friends. Romance, truckloads of it. Sex. Freedom. Autonomy. Making decisions for yourself alone.

Life is so short and there is so much to do. So many adventures await you.

[PurpleDaisies]

This thread appears to be turning into infertility cliche bingo.

[MissHoney85]

@PurpleDaisies you are free not to follow it. People manage this situation in a million different ways, each one will work for some people and not for others.

[CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt]

With your OH calling you obsessed and not taking the required vitamins, it sounds like you’re not getting the support you need from him OP. I hope you both end up on the same page soon.

[FlashesOfRage]

I’m with @PurpleDaisies

I don’t think the “but think of the life of freedom you’ll have” could ever work on someone who is expressing the feelings in the OP.

[MissHoney85]

@FlashesofRage then OP is entitled to ignore any posts with express that sentiment. Any advice given on here is given in good faith by people who are or have been in the same position, I don't think we should be judging anyone for the way they deal with this situation.

[Greenpop21]

I agree @misshoney it’s hard to find the perfect thing to say. Posters are merely reaching out to offer comfort.

[Holdingtherope]

We hear you hugs xxx

[user163578742]

People manage differently, but op didn't ask for advice or tips. It was a howl of distress containing rhetorical questions.

Sometimes what people need is to be heard and validated.

Should an op in distress be put in a position of needing to read in order to filter out inappropriate responses? She can't ignore distressing content without first having read it to find it distressing...

[Greenpop21]

What were your words @PurpleDaisies is like to learn the correct way. Meanwhile please don’t derail the thread.
I hope you can find comfort op.

[Greenpop21]

*I’d

[Henlie]

So sorry you’re feeling like this Op.... Do you mind me asking how old you/your DH are? I think this help help (and shape) the kind of advice people give you........

[Henlie]

*might help

[kikisparks]

Sorry to hear this. It’s so tough, we’re going through it too (over 3 years TTC, unexplained though I have endo and shortly starting ivf) and the pain can be intense at times and it can feel a struggle to hold it together.

I will be devastated and broken if we don’t have a child but I do think life can still be very good without children. Over the last few months we haven’t been TTC as I’m due to start a new job and we’ve been busy enjoying ourselves, eating out, going to the cinema, meeting friends, seeing family, having games nights, cooking, hosting parties, going for long country walks, visiting museums etc. We’ve been talking a lot and focusing on nurturing our connection as a couple.

I also volunteer in a couple of different roles, and have found my work challenging and rewarding. although I’m changing jobs as that has diminished recently.

I think having the hope of IVF on the horizon has allowed me to feel more content recently (though I still frequently get my moments of sadness/ frustration/ fear/ hopelessness) so is it an option for you to work out how to practically take things forward and put a plan in place? Some of the worst part for me was waiting and not knowing when anything would happen to actually progress our treatment.

[EnglishRain]

Sorry to hear how you feel OP.

Let yourself feel shit. It's OK to be angry/jealous/frustrated/in utter despair. I found the fertility journey so much harder when I told myself I shouldn't be so bothered or should get over it. Or because I was x age I had no reason to moan yet. It's shit.

There is a point to life though, even if you don't think you've found it yet. It sounds like you could do with working on yourself a little, try to find some things you enjoy or that make you happy, and give them a go. I have always loved animals and have dogs and chickens. They're great for my mental health. I still struggle, but they help tremendously. I'm so lucky to have them all. It's difficult with humans because they want to understand but often don't or can't. But animals have no expectations like that. I guess they are my main crutch through the shit bits of life. I didn't get a pet because I was struggling TTC, I've always had them, but they're my main coping mechanism with life, if you like.

There are lots of ladies on MN who will be able to relate to some degree, so if it helps, use this space too.

[kikisparks]

@Greenpop21 as someone experiencing infertility when I’m at my lowest I appreciate those not experiencing it to mostly say things like:

Take care of yourself. Take time for yourself. Your feelings are valid. I’m sorry you feel this way. You are loved and appreciated etc. Just words of kindness and support.

And not things like:

I’m sure it will happen (it might not).

There’s always adoption (not a solution to infertility, that’s about finding appropriate homes for children who have often come from very difficult backgrounds and have complex needs).

As a parent I almost envy you- children are difficult! (You do not envy me infertility. You chose to have a child, you would not have enjoyed having that choice taken from you. I’m also not stupid and know it’s not all fairytales and rainbows).

My best friend’s uncle’s second cousin had a baby after trying for 39 years so it might happen to you! (What happened to someone else has no bearing on what will happen to me).

Have you tried relaxing/ yams/ yoga/ acupuncture/ a holiday/ tantric sex/ ouija board or whatever else people suggest might fix infertility (chances are if it has a sound medical basis I will have tried it and if not then I won’t have, but anyway infertility is very stressful and being told it’s perhaps because I fail to relax enough makes it feel like my fault, your suggestion may be well meaning but it is not helpful.)

[kikisparks]

@Greenpop21 sorry when I say you I don’t mean you personally, I’m speaking in general terms just to answer your question!

[kikisparks]

@EnglishRain good point on the animals thing, my cat is also a huge comfort for me.