What is there to life besides children?

[TheBeesKnee]

I am really not in a good place. Don't see the point of anything. Don't want to go to work, don't care about house. I am obsessed with having a baby, in DP's words.

We are facing infertility and I don't see the point in doing anything or carrying on if I can't have a baby.

What's the point of buying a house if the rooms stay empty?

What's the point of having a job and chasing promotions if the money isn't going anywhere?

What what what what what what is the fucking point?

Why am I doing any of this if it doesn't matter?

[Greenpop21]

Ok I won’t comment on a thread like this again. Sorry op, I didn’t mean any offence.

[HavelockVetinari]

If your DH won't even take vitamins does he even want a child? If he doesn't, you might need to decide whether you stick with him and possibly have no DC, or cut loose and find someone who will actively try to help.

[Crumpets124]

Excellent post @kikisparks and exactly what I’d say @PurpleDaisies was trying to get across.

[FlashesOfRage]

@kikisparks 👏🙌

[Crumpets124]

@TheBeesKnee sorry the thread descended into a bit of chaos. I hope you are ok. Please do post if it helps and I also hope you both look into counselling to try get on the same page. Don’t give up x

[Lalla525]

I totally get where you're coming from OP. For me children have always been a must and I never thought about my life without them.

What helps me when I feel worry/sad about something is having plan B. A bit of background: I have had sex in my life without protection and heard many stories of people getting pregnant by only staring at each other. So after a few times, I started being afraid of my fertility (this is even before my current dp, who has bad sperm). So my plan B (and C D E) when I was ready to conceive was: first try natural > then IVF with own gametes > then donor IVF --> then adoption. Appreciate not all of these steps are for everyone, but they helped me feeling reassured that I would be a mother someday.

Drawing a plan (or writing lists) has always been my coping mechanism. Hope you get to a better place soon.

[TheBeesKnee]

Thank you Crumpets124. I spent the day painting our kitchen and hallway and was a bit stumped by how the thread has gone. I was not sure how to respond, or if I should. I'm so drained and tired. But I've had a couple of beers with dinner, so here we go.

DP definitely wants children. We are on the same page there. We talk about it regularly. He had surgery last year, so I know he is committed. Sadly it appears that the surgery didn't work, but I know l knew it only had a 30-50% success rate anyway.

He's from a science and medical background and has not found adequate evidence he would like to see on pubmed with regards to vitamins. He's intelligent and well-informed, but he will never do something that's not proven beyond reasonable doubt just because it won't hurt. It's frustrating in this case, although it's something I like and admire in him in other situations.

I am actually disabled myself, so I have given the "what if your baby has additional needs" question plenty of thought. I don't want to go into my conclusions here.

Adoption is not for us, although we have discussed fostering.

I know that there are people in worse circumstances than us. My parents' friends recently had a baby after 20 years of infertility.

I understand that children are hard work. Plenty of people have told me about it, I remember how difficult I was as a child, and I have younger siblings who I was a third parent to growing up. That knowledge doesn't alter my biological drive or these feelings. Nor did seeing a toddler throw a tantrum in Sainsbury's today.

We don't have any animals as we work a lot and feel that it would be unfair to leave a dog (or whatever) alone all day every day.

Thank you for kind comments, I do appreciate them, even if I don't know what to do with myself at the moment.

[justbeingelle]

I get it, we're in a similar position. Use this board to rant, cry, etc etc. I think only people who are or have been in the same situation can understand the pain and the heartbreak.

[Viletta]

I know the feeling. It’s very hard especially when you want something you can’t get, your mind starts obsessing about it. If this doesn’t happen to you, you will need to find another reason for life. For now you’ve got options if you want to persist and keep trying. I would recommend a councilor, budget it into your IVF. It helped me massively including with relationship advice. Good luck, there will be light at the end one way or another.

[Chista]

OP my DH had almost 30 years of infertility. Spent a lot of money going via IVF route with his first wife for almost 20 years. He was told he would never have biological children as he had no sperm in any sample given in the last 30 years. He tried vitamins, ayurveda, acupuncture and all sorts in between. We just had a little one after surgical sperm retrieval and ICSI.
Its a horrible place to be in, when I met DH he was clear with me that he couldnt ever have children. I was ok with it as I never thought of kids tbh. He said it was hard to think about life without children and what was the point, he got counselling for this as accepted it and looked at life with a different angle and then it threw him a curve ball in the form of our lovely little bundle.