What is there to life besides children?

[TheBeesKnee]

I am really not in a good place. Don't see the point of anything. Don't want to go to work, don't care about house. I am obsessed with having a baby, in DP's words.

We are facing infertility and I don't see the point in doing anything or carrying on if I can't have a baby.

What's the point of buying a house if the rooms stay empty?

What's the point of having a job and chasing promotions if the money isn't going anywhere?

What what what what what what is the fucking point?

Why am I doing any of this if it doesn't matter?

[Chista]

OP my DH had almost 30 years of infertility. Spent a lot of money going via IVF route with his first wife for almost 20 years. He was told he would never have biological children as he had no sperm in any sample given in the last 30 years. He tried vitamins, ayurveda, acupuncture and all sorts in between. We just had a little one after surgical sperm retrieval and ICSI.
Its a horrible place to be in, when I met DH he was clear with me that he couldnt ever have children. I was ok with it as I never thought of kids tbh. He said it was hard to think about life without children and what was the point, he got counselling for this as accepted it and looked at life with a different angle and then it threw him a curve ball in the form of our lovely little bundle.

[Viletta]

I know the feeling. It’s very hard especially when you want something you can’t get, your mind starts obsessing about it. If this doesn’t happen to you, you will need to find another reason for life. For now you’ve got options if you want to persist and keep trying. I would recommend a councilor, budget it into your IVF. It helped me massively including with relationship advice. Good luck, there will be light at the end one way or another.

[justbeingelle]

I get it, we're in a similar position. Use this board to rant, cry, etc etc. I think only people who are or have been in the same situation can understand the pain and the heartbreak.

[TheBeesKnee]

Thank you Crumpets124. I spent the day painting our kitchen and hallway and was a bit stumped by how the thread has gone. I was not sure how to respond, or if I should. I'm so drained and tired. But I've had a couple of beers with dinner, so here we go.

DP definitely wants children. We are on the same page there. We talk about it regularly. He had surgery last year, so I know he is committed. Sadly it appears that the surgery didn't work, but I know l knew it only had a 30-50% success rate anyway.

He's from a science and medical background and has not found adequate evidence he would like to see on pubmed with regards to vitamins. He's intelligent and well-informed, but he will never do something that's not proven beyond reasonable doubt just because it won't hurt. It's frustrating in this case, although it's something I like and admire in him in other situations.

I am actually disabled myself, so I have given the "what if your baby has additional needs" question plenty of thought. I don't want to go into my conclusions here.

Adoption is not for us, although we have discussed fostering.

I know that there are people in worse circumstances than us. My parents' friends recently had a baby after 20 years of infertility.

I understand that children are hard work. Plenty of people have told me about it, I remember how difficult I was as a child, and I have younger siblings who I was a third parent to growing up. That knowledge doesn't alter my biological drive or these feelings. Nor did seeing a toddler throw a tantrum in Sainsbury's today.

We don't have any animals as we work a lot and feel that it would be unfair to leave a dog (or whatever) alone all day every day.

Thank you for kind comments, I do appreciate them, even if I don't know what to do with myself at the moment.

[Lalla525]

I totally get where you're coming from OP. For me children have always been a must and I never thought about my life without them.

What helps me when I feel worry/sad about something is having plan B. A bit of background: I have had sex in my life without protection and heard many stories of people getting pregnant by only staring at each other. So after a few times, I started being afraid of my fertility (this is even before my current dp, who has bad sperm). So my plan B (and C D E) when I was ready to conceive was: first try natural > then IVF with own gametes > then donor IVF --> then adoption. Appreciate not all of these steps are for everyone, but they helped me feeling reassured that I would be a mother someday.

Drawing a plan (or writing lists) has always been my coping mechanism. Hope you get to a better place soon.

[Crumpets124]

@TheBeesKnee sorry the thread descended into a bit of chaos. I hope you are ok. Please do post if it helps and I also hope you both look into counselling to try get on the same page. Don’t give up x

[FlashesOfRage]

@kikisparks 👏🙌

[Crumpets124]

Excellent post @kikisparks and exactly what I’d say @PurpleDaisies was trying to get across.

[HavelockVetinari]

If your DH won't even take vitamins does he even want a child? If he doesn't, you might need to decide whether you stick with him and possibly have no DC, or cut loose and find someone who will actively try to help.

[Greenpop21]

Ok I won’t comment on a thread like this again. Sorry op, I didn’t mean any offence.

[kikisparks]

@EnglishRain good point on the animals thing, my cat is also a huge comfort for me.

[kikisparks]

@Greenpop21 sorry when I say you I don’t mean you personally, I’m speaking in general terms just to answer your question!

[kikisparks]

@Greenpop21 as someone experiencing infertility when I’m at my lowest I appreciate those not experiencing it to mostly say things like:

Take care of yourself. Take time for yourself. Your feelings are valid. I’m sorry you feel this way. You are loved and appreciated etc. Just words of kindness and support.

And not things like:

I’m sure it will happen (it might not).

There’s always adoption (not a solution to infertility, that’s about finding appropriate homes for children who have often come from very difficult backgrounds and have complex needs).

As a parent I almost envy you- children are difficult! (You do not envy me infertility. You chose to have a child, you would not have enjoyed having that choice taken from you. I’m also not stupid and know it’s not all fairytales and rainbows).

My best friend’s uncle’s second cousin had a baby after trying for 39 years so it might happen to you! (What happened to someone else has no bearing on what will happen to me).

Have you tried relaxing/ yams/ yoga/ acupuncture/ a holiday/ tantric sex/ ouija board or whatever else people suggest might fix infertility (chances are if it has a sound medical basis I will have tried it and if not then I won’t have, but anyway infertility is very stressful and being told it’s perhaps because I fail to relax enough makes it feel like my fault, your suggestion may be well meaning but it is not helpful.)

[EnglishRain]

Sorry to hear how you feel OP.

Let yourself feel shit. It's OK to be angry/jealous/frustrated/in utter despair. I found the fertility journey so much harder when I told myself I shouldn't be so bothered or should get over it. Or because I was x age I had no reason to moan yet. It's shit.

There is a point to life though, even if you don't think you've found it yet. It sounds like you could do with working on yourself a little, try to find some things you enjoy or that make you happy, and give them a go. I have always loved animals and have dogs and chickens. They're great for my mental health. I still struggle, but they help tremendously. I'm so lucky to have them all. It's difficult with humans because they want to understand but often don't or can't. But animals have no expectations like that. I guess they are my main crutch through the shit bits of life. I didn't get a pet because I was struggling TTC, I've always had them, but they're my main coping mechanism with life, if you like.

There are lots of ladies on MN who will be able to relate to some degree, so if it helps, use this space too.

[kikisparks]

Sorry to hear this. It’s so tough, we’re going through it too (over 3 years TTC, unexplained though I have endo and shortly starting ivf) and the pain can be intense at times and it can feel a struggle to hold it together.

I will be devastated and broken if we don’t have a child but I do think life can still be very good without children. Over the last few months we haven’t been TTC as I’m due to start a new job and we’ve been busy enjoying ourselves, eating out, going to the cinema, meeting friends, seeing family, having games nights, cooking, hosting parties, going for long country walks, visiting museums etc. We’ve been talking a lot and focusing on nurturing our connection as a couple.

I also volunteer in a couple of different roles, and have found my work challenging and rewarding. although I’m changing jobs as that has diminished recently.

I think having the hope of IVF on the horizon has allowed me to feel more content recently (though I still frequently get my moments of sadness/ frustration/ fear/ hopelessness) so is it an option for you to work out how to practically take things forward and put a plan in place? Some of the worst part for me was waiting and not knowing when anything would happen to actually progress our treatment.

[Henlie]

*might help

[Henlie]

So sorry you’re feeling like this Op.... Do you mind me asking how old you/your DH are? I think this help help (and shape) the kind of advice people give you........

[Greenpop21]

*I’d

[Greenpop21]

What were your words @PurpleDaisies is like to learn the correct way. Meanwhile please don’t derail the thread.
I hope you can find comfort op.

[user163578742]

People manage differently, but op didn't ask for advice or tips. It was a howl of distress containing rhetorical questions.

Sometimes what people need is to be heard and validated.

Should an op in distress be put in a position of needing to read in order to filter out inappropriate responses? She can't ignore distressing content without first having read it to find it distressing...

[Holdingtherope]

We hear you hugs xxx

[Greenpop21]

I agree @misshoney it’s hard to find the perfect thing to say. Posters are merely reaching out to offer comfort.

[MissHoney85]

@FlashesofRage then OP is entitled to ignore any posts with express that sentiment. Any advice given on here is given in good faith by people who are or have been in the same position, I don't think we should be judging anyone for the way they deal with this situation.

[FlashesOfRage]

I’m with @PurpleDaisies

I don’t think the “but think of the life of freedom you’ll have” could ever work on someone who is expressing the feelings in the OP.

[CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt]

With your OH calling you obsessed and not taking the required vitamins, it sounds like you’re not getting the support you need from him OP. I hope you both end up on the same page soon.