DP has announced he wishes to donate his sperm

[EL8888]

My partner and l have been trying to conceive for about a year with no success. We have had tests done, the diagnosis is unexplained infertility. I don’t wish to adopt and he doesn’t wish to do IVF. Today he announces he wants to donate sperm either anonymously or to a friend / acquaintance. I think he’s cruel and thoughtless. I’m very upset. I told him he can donate sperm if he wishes but our relationship would be over

I would put this on am l being unreasonable but this board seems more appropriate. For clarity he thinks l am the one being unreasonable. He has basically said he wants a child at all costs, if l don’t want to explore adoption then lm “forcing” him to donate. I’m getting a vibe he blames me for our fertility issues but doesn’t have the guts to directly say it to me. Despite the fact doctors could find no issues

@chocolatesparkles thanks for asking. I have been up and down really. Things haven’t been great between us. He is trying to say the donation was a back up plan. Is there no other compromise? It still feels to me that if l don’t come up with the goods then he would be wanting to explore other options. I tried to talk to him about it again tonight but he told it’s the wrong time and he is too tired after work. Apparently we can next talk about it a week on Saturday 🙄 which is helpful. I said that’s controlling and punitive which he denied

@InDreamland sorry to hear of your struggles to conceive and miscarriage

He can’t / won’t even be up front and say he’s blaming or punishing me. When l ask why is so convinced he could get someone else pregnant then he says he doesn’t know

NHS were useless, confusion reigned about simple blood tests and results interpretation. Never mind a referrral to gynaecology etc. Even after 5 months we are no further on with them. We paid to go private in the end

@EL8888 I'm so sorry he is being such a (sorry to say) dick head. He doesn't sound very nice going by how you've described what's he's said and is treating you. Just no respect. What private tests did you have? DH had the sperm comet test that looks at DNA fragmentation.

EL it sounds really hard.

If he is willing to impregnate another woman (who? Why would she want his sperm?? So many unthought through questions) then you certainly have the argument of using someone else’s sperm and I can’t see how he can object to it.

If he won’t discuss this, and you would consider a sperm donor, then I would say start exploring that option if it is what you want.

Yep so many questions. One thing he did say last night is said l need to be relax and be less stressed. Inferring our issues are due to me. Maybe if people aren’t saying cruel inflammatory statements then maybe l will be less stressed / upset. Just a thought
But yep everyone is a fertility expert aren’t they 🙄

Excuse me?

"Darling, you don't appear to be able to bear me a child so far, so I'm going to go and stick my seed in someone else and have a go there." Is that about the size of it?

I'm really not a poster that jumps to "LTB" for every little thing, but this is so far outside the bounds of normal, loving behaviour that I'm having to pick my jaw up off the floor.

Personally, it would be the end of my relationship with DH if he donated sperm to anyone, including anonymously through a sperm bank, whether we could conceive or not but I know that's not how all people feel.

This, however, is just outright cruelty from him to you, as well as rank arrogance that the fetility problem (if any) couldn't possibly lay with him.

Honestly, I think you would be well rid of him.

@EL8888 I want to come over and give him a piece of my mind I am so mad at him. How dare he say these things to you. It's simply mean and nasty. Like he's trying to break you or something. You deserve so much better than that pathetic excuse of a male.

@InDreamland sorry l forgot to reply to your question last night. We had sperm analysis for the amount, viscosity, PH etc. Not the comet test. I had bloods (inc AMH) and an internal scan to look at my ovaries / eggs

If he donates sperm he won’t be having a child. He signs papers to say he will have no legal rights over the child. I’m really sorry for you!
If he is willing to give his sperm away potentially to a stranger, then why won’t he try ivf? Xxx

You have said a couple of times that he would blame you if you get pregnant then miscarry. Please do not put yourself through the emotional and mental harm of trying to conceive with this man. It does not sound as if he cares for you.

@Mumma626 you make good points but he doesn’t seem to have the answers when l ask him?!

@Daisypie to be fair he’s never said he would. But he’s indirectly blaming me for not getting pregnant and the statistics for miscarriage at my age aren’t great

As someone who has miscarried several times you need your partner to be your utter support and do/say whatever they can to make you feel better.

Unlike most people on the thread I think I’d be understanding about his desire to donate sperm so that there’s a child of his out there somewhere - I think it’s a male thing.

BUT. ONLY. if IVF were impossible for you, eg you’d had a hysterectomy. Refusing to try IVF is completely out of order and I think you’re right: this relationship may be unsalvageble.

Why not say he can donate all the sperm he wants following a successful ivf round?

Tho tbh he doesn't sound like a particularly nice guy to have around.

Oh OP this is so sad

I think the devil is not in the detail here- reading the whole thread the overall feeling is of control.
He decides what happens, he gets to be the man and father a child of his own, he even gets to decide when you talk about it.

His comments and lack of compassion or empathy are actually incredibly nasty.

Honestly, regardless of the outcome of this specific issue I don’t think you should stay with him. And I am not a LTB poster.

But the way he is belittling your feelings and acting frankly in such a cruel heartless manner, is not compatible with a loving relationship.

I wouldn’t want to have a child with a man so lacking in any love and care.

His is threatening you with his actions whilst refusing to explore the actual possible answer to what you both supposedly want to achieve (fertility treatment).

The only outcome of that is that he gets to control and decide and put you down in the process

This man will break you OP.
Please see what’s going on and act on it before you get so low and downtrodden that you can’t see the wood for the trees.

From what you say, you aren’t married and it potentially isn’t a very long term relationship?
This isn’t how a good man behaves OP. Really it isn’t.

Infertility is painful and devastating and can be so hard on a couple but if it triggers abusive comments and behaviour it is giving you the answers you need to get out now.

He sounds neither intelligent, nor kind.