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Original poster

DP has announced he wishes to donate his sperm

67 replies

EL8888 · 23/06/2019 16:50

My partner and l have been trying to conceive for about a year with no success. We have had tests done, the diagnosis is unexplained infertility. I don’t wish to adopt and he doesn’t wish to do IVF. Today he announces he wants to donate sperm either anonymously or to a friend / acquaintance. I think he’s cruel and thoughtless. I’m very upset. I told him he can donate sperm if he wishes but our relationship would be over

I would put this on am l being unreasonable but this board seems more appropriate. For clarity he thinks l am the one being unreasonable. He has basically said he wants a child at all costs, if l don’t want to explore adoption then lm “forcing” him to donate. I’m getting a vibe he blames me for our fertility issues but doesn’t have the guts to directly say it to me. Despite the fact doctors could find no issues

OP posts:
solargain · 23/06/2019 17:01

This is just my view but if he doesn't want to do ivf I think he's being unreasonable. Sorry op, I'd be heartbroken too.

But a year really isn't a long time, we tried for years for ds.

AliceAbsolum · 23/06/2019 17:01

What? He makes no sense. He can't want a child at all costs if we won't consider the actual treatment for infertility - ivf?

Zest11 · 23/06/2019 17:08

I'm just a bit confused by the fact that he won't do IVF but will donate his sperm? What's his reasoning for that?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/06/2019 17:10

Another one very confused here.

He wants a child at all costs... except IVF? Confused that makes no sense.

Original poster
EL8888 · 23/06/2019 17:11

@solargain l was wanting to give it more time but l am 39 so lm conscious our ends are slowly getting worse

OP posts:
Pearlfish · 23/06/2019 17:11

There's nothing wrong with donating sperm, but saying that you're forcing him to and he wants a child at any cost is massively insensitive!

However, remember that you are both suffering here. Infertility is clearly putting a big strain on both of you and on your relationship. I think that trying to talk this through (maybe with the help of a counsellor or other third party) would be better than giving each other ultimatums.

Original poster
EL8888 · 23/06/2019 17:13

He doesn’t want to do IVF due to the poor odds and the cost. I think he thinks adoption will be “easier” and l have tried to explain it’s not easy but he can’t / won’t take this on board

OP posts:
SummerSix · 23/06/2019 17:14

Maybe my head is just messed but my first thought was 'He's got someone pregnant and this is how he's going to explain it'

Bluerussian · 23/06/2019 17:14

He is being unfair to you about this. I don't understand why he wants to do it, there's something not quite right about it. In your place, I would be upset and seriously consider whether I want to stay with a man who wishes to impregnate another woman, whilst still trying to have a baby with you.

As your fertility problem appears to have no cause, presumably there i no (apparent) reason for it, would you even be eligible for IVF? You could become pregnant naturally at any time, many couples have to wait a while and are anxious about it, then have three kids one after the other! However I'd think seriously about having a child with your partner, what he has suggested is so hurtful and something of a kick in the teeth for you.

Original poster
EL8888 · 23/06/2019 17:15

@Pearlfish yeah l have thought that. But part of me thinks he’s shown his true colours and maybe l am best off out of it. What happens if l do get pregnant and miscarriage or l talk him into ivf and it fails or we get turned down for adoption. Will he get blame me for that as well?!

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 23/06/2019 17:17

@Bluerussian it would have to be private, hence his cost reservations. The NHS hate giving ivf where we live. I have found it very hurtful and a real kick in the teeth. He doesn’t seem to understand why lm so distraught

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 23/06/2019 17:18

@SummerSix there would be no explaining away of that with me!

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/06/2019 17:24

I'm sorry this came on the active stream. I am not a member of this board but read your story and I don't believe YABU at all!

After everything you've both been through I don't think I could go through with my husband donating and stay in the relationship.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/06/2019 17:29

Sorry, I don’t understand.

He wants to donate his sperm to who?

He won’t get a child out of this, someone else will?

ComeAndDance · 23/06/2019 17:35

I dint understand. If he is giving sperm, he will NOT be a father. He will know that he MIGHT have a child somewhere but I really can’t see the relationship between not being able to have a child yourselves and donating sperm Confused

As for blackmailing you ‘you chose between me donating my sperm and adoption’, for that alone, I would leave him tbh.

Slomi · 23/06/2019 17:45

It sounds like he doesn't even want to be a father to a child as such, he just wants to make sure his seed is spread. What a vile, narcissistic man and yes it does sound like he blames you from what you've written. Sorry OP, you deserve much better than this treatment Flowers. He's being a total arse and I would also leave my partner if he did this to me, you are completely justified in feeling as you do.

Island35 · 23/06/2019 17:47

If your DP thinks adoption would be the easier route rather than IVF I would be seriously worried. I have been through the adoption route and have met many who have an adoption story wether they have adopted or beed adopted. There is no easy about it, rewarding yes but you both have to be into this and if either of you want a birth child then you're not ready to adopt. Your DP needs to understand your needs in the same ay he is expecting you to understand his.

TixieLix · 23/06/2019 17:57

How odd. If he donates sperm there's a chance he may 'father' a child but he won't know as it will be kept anonymous. If you adopt, the process takes ages to get accepted and it's very unlikely you'll get a baby. I'd be very concerned about the comment "either anonymously or to a friend/acquaintance". Did he have a particular friend in mind? Does he think he'll get this friend pregnant and play happy families with them?

AppleDump · 23/06/2019 18:12

I'm inclined to think there might be someone 'ready' to have his child.
How else could he explain his reasoning?

YNBU

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/06/2019 18:21

I also wondered if there is someone else already on the scene.

koolaider · 23/06/2019 18:22

My DH would be out the door with his cases if he said something like this. Is this out of character for him OP?

Bluerussian · 23/06/2019 18:44

I can't offer anything other than what I've already said, EL8888, but I really do feel for you. Ask him how he would feel if you went out and became pregnant with someone else, just because you want a child.

He doesn't understand how hurtful he is being; maybe couples counselling would help you. An experienced, neutral party would be able to show him how unreasonable he is being and enable him to understand what this is doing to you.

Flowers
Teddybear45 · 23/06/2019 18:48

If the diagnosis is unexplained then no clinic will want his sperm. I agree with a pp who has said he’s found someone else. I suggest you leave him Op and get your own sperm donor / ivf clinic.

Petitprince · 23/06/2019 18:57

Have you explored NHS ivf? Are you definitely not eligible?

Ginger1982 · 23/06/2019 19:00

This is weird. He's not going to 'have a child' unless the friend he donates to allows him to be part of its life and if he donates it anonymously...🤷🏼‍♀️