DP has announced he wishes to donate his sperm

[EL8888]

My partner and l have been trying to conceive for about a year with no success. We have had tests done, the diagnosis is unexplained infertility. I don’t wish to adopt and he doesn’t wish to do IVF. Today he announces he wants to donate sperm either anonymously or to a friend / acquaintance. I think he’s cruel and thoughtless. I’m very upset. I told him he can donate sperm if he wishes but our relationship would be over

I would put this on am l being unreasonable but this board seems more appropriate. For clarity he thinks l am the one being unreasonable. He has basically said he wants a child at all costs, if l don’t want to explore adoption then lm “forcing” him to donate. I’m getting a vibe he blames me for our fertility issues but doesn’t have the guts to directly say it to me. Despite the fact doctors could find no issues

@Scarydinosaurs and ComeAndDance. In all honest l didn’t probe his line of thinking too much. I interpreted him as meaning he genetically creates a child, thus he is a father

Yeah blackmail doesn’t sit well with me either

So he doesn't want to help you both have a child but is willing to help an "acquaintance" have a child?
I despair at most men.

This is odd.

If he adopts, he gets to raise a child, but not pass on his genes.

If he donates, he gets to pass on his genes, but not raise a child.

Strange that he thinks both options are suitable solutions.

I think his idea to donate is completely thoughtless.

We did a few rounds of IVF which weren't successful, and then moved on to adoption. I don't think either is 'easier'. IVF is physically and emotionally draining. Adoption is less physical and more emotional. And those emotions go on forever - ongoing contact, discussing lifestory, helping the AC deal with impact of being adopted, potentially young adults wanting 'reunion' etc.

Both of you need time to think about next steps. Do you both want to be together with or without children, or only with? How much of the urge to be parents is to be biological parents? Do you have the strengths needed for IVF or adoption?

But take your time. Talk to each other. Listen to each other.

@Island35 thanks for your insights from your personal experiences. Thanks also for thinking of my needs, it’s something that is conspicuously lacking from him

@TixieLix lm not sure what he was thinking. Days out at the seaside or Alton Towers? Why would he think that would be acceptable to me?!

@Bluerussian thanks. The irony is he is a therapist but is unwilling it seems to see how he has made me feel

@Petitprince the NHS where we live don’t like our diagnosis or my age. Even if they did think we had tried long enough. The more l think about the way he is then this is academic anyway

This is complete madness! I feel for you. Get out. He is showing his true colours and God help his clients!

He’s a therapist ???!!! Holy fuck. Does he think he is going to ‘rescue’ some poor sperm deprived woman with his manly hero sperm??!! Some class of hero complex?

@TeenTimesTwo well until yesterday l wanted to be with him and with or without a child. It now appears his priority is having a child, with or without me. I barely have the strength to look at him in all honesty

Dear @EL8888 - I think your relationship is over whatever happens here.

If you really really want to have a child you could consider donor sperm through a clinic. But I think you will have to consider your future without this man whatever you decide.

Op, his reasoning here is nothing short of bizarre. He doesn’t want to do IVF with you because of the poor success rate, but he wants to donate to another couple, to use in IUI/IVF, despite the poor success rate? This makes literally no sense.

It sounds to me that he’s provoking you to leave, to be honest. I’m so sorry, this must be awful. I know you said you were previously happy to stay with your partner and not have children; but I would be seriously considering this position given his attitude 💐

Thanks for people’s time and opinions. I’m still fuming and upset. I can’t help but see it as him blaming me and then punishing me. We had planned to try until l turn 40 which is another 6 months from now, l wasn’t aware of his other plan. It seems as if he has chosen having a baby over me, thats ultimately more important to him. I also think if l was to get pregnant then miscarrry or IVF not be successful or declined for adoption etc etc then that be cause for more blame and punishment to be directed my way from him. So he doesn’t care for me as he should or deem me to be a priority. I accused him last night of him putting probably unborn children ahead of me. I’ve never blamed him for our fertility issues. It’s confusing (and nonsensical) for him to leap into donating his sperm, there are no guarantees it will work with someone else. It hasn’t worked for the last year with me! Increasingly l think this relationship has ran its course, l deserve better

LOL

Unless he is Adonis.. then tell him to be quiet.

@DCICarolJordan glad hear it’s not just me confused by his line of reasoning

Interesting theory about him provoking me to leave. But in reality he’s giving no other option. I flippantly said yesterday how about if l go to a sperm bank and / or sleep with someone else. He didn’t directly answer it but clearly wasn’t happy. How can it be ok for him to do it but not me?

Infertility is hard, and hurting people hurt other people. For some people, infertility can cut to the very core of their identity in ways they don't even understand.

If what he is saying is out of character, maybe you both need some time to deal with the emotion of what you are going through, him in particular. I know the clock is ticking but even so. If you've only been trying for just over a a year, you could be at the hardest stage in some ways, having not lived with the label of unexplained infertility for a while.

If you truly don't think his behaviour is out of character and he has a track record of being selfish or self absorbed, that is a different story. He certainly sounds unreasonable, but maybe you both have different dealbreakers and are at an impasse. If he is entertaining wild ideas about trying to line up other options, that would be revealing, to say the least, but only you know if he's being himself right now or struggling to cope.

Completely agree with @Slomi

@EL8888 your point is a good one - why would it be acceptable for him and not for you? And again, how bizarre that you both might end up undergoing IVF separately when he refuses to undergo it together...
FWIW, my DS was the result of 6 long years of IVF treatments requiring donor sperm, and multiple early miscarriages. It was a very gruelling time for myself and my partner but at no time did I ever feel love and support from him during the process. It’s hard enough without fearing blame and recrimination from your partner if it doesn’t work (and odds are it takes more than one go, not many people hit the jackpot first round).

*anything but love and support
My kingdom for an edit button!

In your situation I would end this relationship pronto. He sounds cruel with a side serve of crazy.
Then I would look at going it alone with sperm donation. If the infertility is unexplained, maybe using a donor will work for you. I'm sure you can get medical advice.
And I'd try to get counselling. Dealing with infertilty must be very distressing for you and then you have the added strain of your partner revealing himself to be slightly round the bend!
It's time to think of yourself now. Good luck.

This doesn't make much sense, if you have been trying to conceive for a year you would only just have started NHS investigations into what potential issues are.
What makes him think that a clinic would accept his sperm?
What possible advantage does your DH see in being as sperm donor over having IVF ?
Being a sperm donor will not mean that he is in a dad role.
I would suggest counselling for both of you while you decide what to do next.

The manipulation would end it for me.

On the fertility side op, there's also IUI. I have unexplained infertility. Tried for years, absolutely no issues ever discovered through many tests. Then I took clomid and was pregnant in three months. No idea why as I was ovulating already! If I were you and desperate for children - I'd consider a sperm donor myself rather than him. He doesn't sound like someone you want around when the chips are down.

Hi Op? Just wondered how you were doing? Has your partner said anymore about his plans. I honestly can't believe his thinking on this and how truly hurtful for you. You would be much better off without him.

@EL8888 sorry you're going through this. What a strange thing did him to want to do with bizarre thinking. Infertility/ unexplained infertility is horribly stressful, we had 5 years of unexplained infertility before we got a surprise pregnancy last year (sadly miscarried). So for him to put you through this is cruel. I'm angry for you. Has he not even considered the problem could be with him? He sounds arrogant if he's blaming you. You say all tests are clear which is why it is unexplained. Were they all NHS tests? All NHS tests for us were clear, but then we paid for private tests earlier this year because of 2 miscarriages as they test more things and turns out the issue for us is with DH's swimmers.

Anyways I digress, point is, don't let him for one minute make you feel any of this is your fault, it may be his fault you've not conceived yet. Or that it is just taking a while as it can but I'm sure you already know this. You deserve better.