Be honest with me - how brutal is IVF?

[DotingDaisy]

My partner has male factor infertility. He tried IVF with a previous partner, sadly unsuccessfully.

The topic has come up in conversation, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't really know much about it, and I hope it's ok to ask here for people's experiences.

How much does it take out of you emotionally/physically? If I'm working full time, will I need to take lots of time off work for appointments? Not that that is a problem, I'm just trying to find out as much as I can so I can give it full consideration.

He doesn't talk about his past experience about it much, and I think that's because he still finds it difficult to think about and talk about. He said he would go through it again, though.

TIA!

It's tough emotionally as you're putting all your eggs in one basket. And it's even tougher if you've been trying for years, suffering dozens of failures, possible miscarriages, tests upon tests upon tests...

I was so incredibly lucky to get pregnant from our first cycle. We've agreed we won't be doing another round if we do decide to try for a sibling (we're unexplained infertility so in theory can conceive).

Physically, not too bad.

I've only just started my first cycle. For me so far the hardest thing has been the waiting and the push backs and more waiting. There's lots of little hurdles to get over and it can be frustrating. I've had internal scans and done injections which are both totally fine. So many people go through it, more than we will ever know so it's doable.

Physically I found it fine, a few side effects but not nearly as bad as I expected. I was on clomid for a while before ivf and the side effects from that were far worse. Of course everyone is different!

In terms of appointments it probably depends how supportive and flexible your employer is, and where your clinic is, but I didn't find it too disruptive. My scans were always first thing in the morning at a satellite clinic close to my office so that was fine, then I took 2 days sick leave for egg collection (was quite sore and drowsy afterwards) and 1 day sick leave for the embryo transfer. That appointment is really quick and painless (in my experience!) so it would have been possible to work that day but my main clinic is miles away. It is tricky in that you don't know until very close to the time exactly when these appointments will fall so imagine it could be quite stressful if you didn't want to tell work.

Emotionally... it's really tough. Much harder than I expected. I consider myself to be pretty resilient but this has affected my mental health so much. I guess I was expecting ivf to be an extension of the infertility crap we've already been through but it's been the hardest thing so far. All those hopes and expectations, waiting for updates, the horrible 2ww, the crushing heartbreak when it doesn't work... I'm on my second 2ww now and my head is all over the place. I can't imagine keep putting myself through this but the end goal is so worth it that I know I will.

I would say that I've been living with infertility for a few years, so the emotional stuff has been building for a long time, it might be different if you go straight into IVF and you already know where the issue is?

Anyway that is just my experience but I hope it helps. If it works it will all be worth it but it's a very difficult place to be!

I found it physically and emotionally crippling.I had 3 rounds of icsi none successful unfortunately

Yes, I guess we know from the start that there is a problem, so perhaps that reduces some of the frustration, upset and disappointment of trying without help and not conceiving.

I turn 40 next year so suspect we will also have to go privately for it, which will be a whole other thing to think about as I can imagine the costs are pretty huge.

In all honesty I didn't find it that hard. My work were good about appointments and I booked time off after the major bits. We were very lucky in that it worked 1st time though.

The financial, physical, emotional costs for numerous rounds can be massive, especially if the outcome is no DC.

With your age and his fertility issue the “odds” would be fairly low for each attempt. Male factor infertility can increase risk of miscarriage too.

Another option might be using donated sperm and / or eggs?

Oh and I would have needed the full two weeks off of stims (if I hadn't quit my job ahead of time). The clinic was over an hour away and I had scans almost every day - sometimes I was told the day before. But I had a really emotionally charged job where you couldn't be less than 100% all the time (was a teacher) and I was pretty emotional before collection.

With your age and his fertility issue the “odds” would be fairly low for each attempt. Male factor infertility can increase risk of miscarriage too

That’s pretty depressing to know, but I need to be realistic that the chances are probably going to be small.

That is some of my worry about it. Putting us both through something really difficult with a really tiny chance of success. Especially when he has been through it before and found it really hard.

It’s a mutual decision, btw. It’s not being pushed by either of us more than the other

It was much easier than I had anticipated. Scans early morning so Work was ok. Two days off for egg retrieval (anaesthetic so couldn't drive) then 1 day for transfer.

Additionally, if your partner received all of his 'allotted rounds' with a previous partner, you may not be entitled on the nhs. Each ccg has their own criteria, which you can check on the fertility fairness website.

Didn’t your DP get informed of the “odds” for his then circumstances with his previous partner?

Although you’d both go through it, you would bear the physical brunt of it, undertaking all the invasive procedures, the drugs etc.

I didn’t find it to bad physically. The final day of stims and triggering were emotionally and physically hard I felt bloated and exhausted. I had 5 days off work as we went overseas for ivf everything else I fitted in round work. It worked first time for us had we done more rounds I would probably feel differently about it.

We had 3 miscarriages and then 4 rounds of IVF. The first round was on the NHS and the last 3 were paid for privately. I went though the process of injecting regularly etc, which was a pain, but I remained optimistic throughout and I honestly don’t think it was that bad. We started on the IVF road when I was 38, and I gave birth to my daughter when I was 42 and she was perfect. She is now 13. I sometimes think of her siblings that we lost (also, she was a twin and we lost her brother at 26 weeks) but I am so grateful for the lovely girl we have - she has enhanced our lives beyond anything I imagined. Don’t give up Op.

Emotionally it is quite tough. There’s so much riding on it and it can feel
Overwhelming. You just need to take each stage as it comes. I’m a big believer in acupuncture. Google Zita West. If nothing else then it helps with relaxation techniques.

Physically it was ok. I have very understanding employers who allowed me as much time off as I needed for appointments. That helped everything be less stressful.

We had three rounds of iui that were unsuccessful but conceived with our first round of ivf so we were v v fortunate.

Good luck

It’s hard to explain but I agree with most of the other posts - mentally it’s really really tough. Although you would be starting without having years of your hopes being built up and then crushed each month so maybe that makes it slightly easier. I don’t know maybe not.
Physically it’s not too bad - but my first nhs cycle made me really really dizzy while on the stims.

Time wise completely depends on the clinic and the number of visits. Some want to see you every day. Likewise employers some can be supportive and some not at all. Some people don’t tell.
Pick a clinic carefully as you will be approaching 40 you will need one that has good results for your age range and partners condition.
What was your partners diagnosis?

Partner had I descended testicles as a child so had an operation to fix that in childhood. Not sure of his exact diagnosis, or what he was told his sperm count etc was when he had his previous IVF.

I work for the NHS and am clinic based, so whilst I am sure they would be sympathetic to some extent, I don’t think I could miss that much work

I found it terribly hard. Emotionally and physically. The pressure I felt was immense, it felt like it all hung on me and what I did, diet, exercise, emotional well-being wise while my husband could (theoretically) do as he wanted. I was the one being pumped full of drugs which made me crazy and fat, who had to have regular internal scans , surgery and all he had to do was wank in a cup.

I was very clear halfway through that if I'd known how bad it was going to be I wouldn't have done it.

But then it worked first time round. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I am glad I went through it. It was worth all the pain to get to this point and I'm sure that by the time my baby is here I won't think about what I had to do to get to this point.

I'm still telling you this because I wish someone had told me how awful it was for them. So yes, it's true that when you're out the other side the memory fades fast, but it was still hideous while I was going through it.

There won't be a second round ever. If neither of the frozen embryos I have work out this baby will be an only. That's something which hasn't changed for me, all the way through treatment before we knew this cycle had worked I was very clear I wasn't doing it ever again.

If I was answering this after my first or second round then I would say it's hard but definitely worth it.

Now with four failed rounds behind me, and a 12 wk miscarriage I would say it had been crippling to my physical and emotional health, damaged my career, and put our relationship on the rocks.

@Wineandrosesagain So pleased to hear your story. There's very few who keep going and are ultimately successful so reading your post gives me hope. Thank you.

Thanks all for your replies. I think I feel more apprehensive than hopeful, but at least I am going into it with a realistic approach without the assumption that it will be easy and work!

Brutal. Also worth it.

I had quite a few half days off as clinic was far away (we did ivf with PGD for genetic illness and fewer places do it), then a week around egg collection because my ovaries got massive and were rubbing together and it hurt to move, then a day travelling plus the day of transfer. I worked full time through the dreaded 2 week wait and found the distraction helpful.

I think the bit that someone wrote about it all being on me/my body is a bit terrifying. I’m really worried that after his failed attempts with his previous partner, I’d be letting him down if it didn’t work for us either. I know that’s a bit irrational, but it’s still a worry. He’d be mortified if I admitted that to him mind you!

It’s not all on you! I think the 3 months prior to wank-in-a-cup day affect the sperm. My husband stopped drinking and cut caffeine right down, ate well, and significantly reduced his cycling mileage during that time.

Physically not so much. THe injections didn’t bother me tho the UK ec horrendous pain

But it’s the mental emotional and in our case as all Private the financial aspects which are also hard and tests your relationship lots

ESp if fails cycle after cycle after cycle

When it works then it’s wonderful - took 5 attempts to get first ever bfp in 10yrs ttc and £27k in Loand credit cards - which still paying off

Gave birth 3mths off 44 / older then I wanted but overjoyed got there

ANd paying a loan off when cycle falls is heart breaking

BUt I’m glad we carried on and dd is now 20mths