Can you feel happy for friends who announce they’re pregnant?
Blankspace4 · 13/10/2018 11:16
Well....just that really!
A couple of days ago a close friend announced in a group chat that she was 16 weeks pregnant. I don’t live locally so haven’t seen her in that time, so no reason to ‘suspect’ anything and has come as a complete shock.
I can’t feel happy for her but the guilt I feel feels toxic and horrible. Just adds to my feelings of helplessness and uselessness.
All but one of that group of friends now has a baby or is pregnant. I’m due to go away with them in a fortnights time and now don’t want to go. Help
honeyskye · 13/10/2018 11:17
No. It made me feel like a horrible person but I felt resentful.
Tunnockssnowballs · 13/10/2018 11:41
It’s a tricky one because I want to feel happy for them but I don’t. I’ve had to distance myself from friends with kids/pregnant friends and pregnant people in general. It’s the best thing for my metal health so I don’t feel bad about it. Unfortunately I have lost one friend during this time as she was just so insensitive and thoughtless and she totally lacked any empathy. Infertility is a horrible thing to go through so you have to do the best thing for you and if that means not going on a trip with these people then it might be the best. And also for your friendships in the future. Most people who haven’t been through infertility have no idea and usually say shitty things in my experience.
goodlordwhathappened · 13/10/2018 11:43
No, I try to but it's hard. One 'friend' told me with a big grin on her face and said 'I don't want you to cry on me but...' she knew I had just mcarried that week. I am NC with her now. Not because of her pregnancy but because she was so delighted to tell me she completely disregarded my feelings.
goodlordwhathappened · 13/10/2018 11:44
Sorry that sounds like she shouldn't be delighted obviously she should but it just felt like she got too much pleasure in telling me when she knew I had just lost mine x
Tunnockssnowballs · 13/10/2018 11:49
@goodlordwhathappened that’s horrible she sounds so cruel
goodlordwhathappened · 13/10/2018 11:55
@Tunnockssnowballs weirdly she has been through 2 mc herself so I thought she would have been the most understanding but nope! After she told me all she would talk about was baby and how awful the pregnancy was etc. I'm sure she is suffering but I don't need to know that. Anyway after weeks I stopped all contact. I just couldn't do it without feeling like a bitter cow.
Tunnockssnowballs · 13/10/2018 12:09
@goodlordwhathappened to be honest it makes it even worse given what she’s been through! She must know how hurt that would make you. sorry you had to deal with that xx
goodlordwhathappened · 13/10/2018 12:14
Ah that's life isn't it :-) we learn as we go through these things who we need to keep around us and who we need to let go :-) the last two years I have made my friendship group smaller but a hell of a lot more important :-)
Blankspace4 · 13/10/2018 12:35
This friend hasn’t done anything wrong by announcing though, she’s left it about as late as she could have to announce, and definitely not in a braggy/insensitive way so I feel so guilty and vile that I can’t be happy for her.
goodlordwhathappened · 13/10/2018 13:19
That's still understandable though. I think when people say they are pregnant my first thought is why not me? It's not fair. We are only human at the end of the day and when you are desperate to have something someone else getting it is always going to make you have a range of emotions xx
Guio · 13/10/2018 13:54
I feel the same,my friend became pregnant very quickly after a year in a relationship and when she gave the news by message as she lives in a different country I didn't congratulate her,it took me 3 months and I avoided her in summer.it is sad we have to act like this but the idea of seeing her belly made me feel anxious...also have another friend in a relationship and I have lost contact with her as I am afraid that one day she will give me the news...is this normal?is the only friend I have left in my country and I really don't understand myself!!
Rebecca36 · 13/10/2018 13:57
If they were happy to be pregnant I was happy too, why not?
Tunnockssnowballs · 13/10/2018 14:18
Rebecca36 it’s great that you are able to do that. No possible for everyone though and it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Infertility often causes major mental health issues.
sandytoes84 · 13/10/2018 18:44
My friend circle has decreased over the years because of this. The friends I realise are the closest are those who gave a sensitive heads up before announcing.
Some people who know our situation get a little nervous. My sister incredibly insensitively told me about her unplanned by sending a pic of her positive test!
I have found it gets easier over the months/years. My advice would be to accept that feeling happy for others can feel incredibly sad for yourself. Also, look at the bigger picture - would you swap your whole life for theirs just to be pregnant? Chances are you wouldn’t want their oh, house, relatives, job etc.
And don’t feel bad about feeling bad - every emotion is valid and you have the right to feel pissed off at the unfairness of it all!
sal1987 · 13/10/2018 21:07
I completely understand your pain and feeling not able to congratulate.
My friend announced she was pregnant in a group chat and another one already warning me another announcement is on its way, I'm already trying to think of the response to not sound too heartbroken In my own life but happy for them!! It helps having amazing friends who support and understand the bfn and the pain it brings each month!!
I have been through so much heartache over the past year with bfn, this app has really helped me to understand I'm not on my own and there are always people to support you even though they don't even know anything about you!!!
You're not alone and your feelings are not uncommon!!
Botanica · 15/10/2018 00:14
It's a horrible feeling isn't it, even when you want to be happy for people.
You do need to put your own mental health and well-being first though and if you need to create some space to protect yourself, do it and don't feel bad.
Like a few of the posters above, I also lost my best friend this year because of this, and we are now NC.
I was miscarrying my baby and she selfishly texted me whilst it was happening, knowing the state I was in, to tell me she was 17 weeks gone. Despite labouring and in pain, I went into shock and lost consciousness. I cannot forgive what she did.
If people cannot afford you the sensitivity you need, you are better off without them in your lives.
Dia12 · 15/10/2018 09:20
Where the hell do I go to avoid the incessant news of meghan Markle’s pregnancy 🙈
gosh, they must have tried for all of 5 minutes!! I’m the same age and have been struggling 3 years.
I feel awful reacting this way but I really just want to scream WHAT THE F**K!!!!!!!!!!! 😭
snifflesnifflesnore · 15/10/2018 09:50
No I feel nothing but resentment and fucked off at own body.
LASH38 · 15/10/2018 10:08
I think the problem is that you feel happy for others but sad for yourself. Infertility is an all consuming, devastating roller coaster of hope and despair, those affected have to be kind to themselves.
I hope this reads with the intention that I mean it to:
I’m currently pregnant after almost a decade of IVF and miscarriages, I’ve had the feelings above and in some ways still do.
I surprised myself this morning with the royal news by feeling a twinge of resentment that it was (I assume) so easy for them and the dread of wall to wall coverage. It’s horrible, but then my experiences have been too and I am o my human.
LASH38 · 15/10/2018 10:10
Sorry that so long, what I’m trying to say is, be kind to yourselves.
OP - I wouldn’t go on that holiday. I would have a contagious illness that I wouldn’t want to spread. It’s not nice but even with the most sensitive of friends (which in the main my friends have been), I just wouldn’t do it to myself. I don’t think I would now actually.
Guio · 15/10/2018 10:11
I just can't believe it!they got married in April how is it possible?I feel sad 😖
Tunnockssnowballs · 15/10/2018 10:26
LASH38 Thanks and congratulations. Any ivf tips? I’m due to start in the new year.
Guio It’s made me sad too
LASH38 · 15/10/2018 10:50
Christ, it’s so tough to answer that and I’ve had 8 cycles (x4 FET, x4 fresh). I’ll give it some thought and get back to you.
Top of head - IVF is tough and it’s shit. Injections/collections/transfer are a means to an end, those parts are not the hardest in my opinion and I say that as someone who has such bad transfers that I paid to be knocked out for the last one. Oh and I’ve had OHSS and I over react to meds.
The most difficult thing I think it the mental gymnastics and emotions. Waiting to hear how many follicles, eggs, fertilised eggs, embryos, blasts. Very intense for what is often a 2-4 week process. Then the two week wait.
You’ll need patience and calm. Try not to google too much. Talk to your partner or friends if doing it alone.
My last cycle I had constant social plans such as cinema, dinners etc, a distraction measure. Usually with DH or friends who knew in case things changed due to feeling ill.
It is different for different people, I don’t think I ever found a massive coping mechanism. This year was a bit easier as we had a massive holiday planned if it didn’t work out, but I needed a plan B for my own benefit.
Oh talk constantly to your partner. It’s difficult for them too and you’ll need to support each other.
Try to eat well - I put on shit loads of weight as I have no will power and craved carbs 🤣🤣
Depending on situation it can be worth informing work in advance. I’ve had to run out so many times for impromptu tests. Lots of appointments, not focused as meds’ affect my thinking ability. But that depends on environment.
Can be worth joins the cycling buddies on Mumsnet. I was very active for my first two cycles but failed off after that for various reasons inc that pretty much everyone else was successful or had stopped.
Now this must be long, it is a brain dump. I apologise.
Happy to answer specific q’s via PM as I don’t want to derail the thread.
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