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Can you feel happy for friends who announce they’re pregnant?

53 replies

Blankspace4 · 13/10/2018 11:16

Well....just that really!

A couple of days ago a close friend announced in a group chat that she was 16 weeks pregnant. I don’t live locally so haven’t seen her in that time, so no reason to ‘suspect’ anything and has come as a complete shock.

I can’t feel happy for her but the guilt I feel feels toxic and horrible. Just adds to my feelings of helplessness and uselessness.

All but one of that group of friends now has a baby or is pregnant. I’m due to go away with them in a fortnights time and now don’t want to go. Help Sad

OP posts:

LASH38 · 15/10/2018 10:55

Sorry, I’ve another one.

Note down any questions or concerns prior to your appointment. Most will be answered before you ask but it can be overwhelming so it avoids forgetting anything.

In my first clinic (Barts) many staff have experienced infertility. I cannot tell you how comforting this is - it means sensitivity and unspoken understanding.


ASAS · 15/10/2018 10:59

Finding today tough. I remember when Kate announced George.... and then Charlotte. Six long years. Ho hum.


LASH38 · 15/10/2018 11:08

At ASAS, I had a questionable scan the day George was born with miscarriage confirmed a week later.

With Charlotte I was pregnant the day that pregnancy was announced, later miscarried.

With Louis I had just had a failed IVF cycle.

It’s shit.

I was also resentful that they wouldn’t have had to worry about finding tens of thousands for IVF treatment if they had needed it.


mimibunz · 15/10/2018 11:11

I’ve never felt unhappy or sad about another woman’s pregnancy and I don’t understand those who do. I just really don’t get it. And I’m infertile.


ASAS · 15/10/2018 11:12

After all the speculation over the weekend about M, for whom I'm genuinely happy as she seems nice, I keep thinking about how if there was ever an easy position to need IVF it would be with the Royals. None of them ever seen to have struggled. It's not statistically possible is it.


sandytoes84 · 15/10/2018 11:20

@mimibunz I don’t think it’s about being unhappy for others, it’s about how the happiness (their own and even yours for them) reinforces your own sadness


PlumsInTheIcebox · 15/10/2018 11:22

Sophie Wessex has had a rough time of it and has apparently had IVF. She had an ectopic, then nearly died of a placental abruption which meant that her first child was born prematurely.


Tunnockssnowballs · 15/10/2018 11:23

mimibunz it’s about our own sadness. It’s not really about them x


Tunnockssnowballs · 15/10/2018 11:24

PlumsInTheIcebox Yeah she has had a rough time. I know the feeling...


codenameduchess · 15/10/2018 11:28

I struggled for years, now have a DD but am sad that that is it because I doubt we'd be lucky enough again even if DH agreed to anymore and I do get a little twinge if sadness as friends announcing pregnancies- particularly second/third ext but remember that all consuming sadness from the years of trying and failing when almost everyone around me was getting pregnant.

I now have a close friend waiting for ivf and I know how hard it is for them so try to avoid talking about DD around them (which is hard, because she's still little and a huge part of my life) but I understand that it's hard, even if someone says they had a tough time with their pregnancy/kid got whatever reason you still think ' at least you get to have that'.

FWIW op, id avoid that holiday if you can for your own sake x


Abitlost2015 · 15/10/2018 11:28

I couldn’t feel happy but it had nothing to do with them or their news.


ASAS · 15/10/2018 11:30

I stand corrected and actually feel awful as didn't Zara go through a miscarriage. This whole thing makes me a total witch.


LASH38 · 15/10/2018 11:37

@mimibunz I’ve always been happy for pregnancies/babies, but as with others i also felt sadness for myself.

@codenameduchess - I identify fully with what you've said.

@ASAS try not to beat yourself up. I don’t think the emotional and mental pain of infertility is given the full respect it deserves. It is understandable and human to feel that way.


CountessVonBoobs · 15/10/2018 11:38

Zara Tindall had a late miscarriage somewhere around 16-20 weeks, and a second early miscarriage.


ASAS · 15/10/2018 11:42

Isn't it just such a strange thing. I mean in order for humanity to survive we need to have babies who will then grow up and have babies. I mean, WTF are you playing at ovaries?!

As ever, MN has handed me grip! Good day to you all!


ASAS · 15/10/2018 11:44

In other news home life is bound to be hilarious this evening. Husband and I haven't learned to deal with such public fertility in any other way than will cups of tea. Remember that shop well for less where the family had 2 sets of twins under 3? I practically waded through tea that night!


UnaOfStormhold · 15/10/2018 11:54

My experience was that I was feeling both glad for them and sad for me. I found that if I really allowed myself time to be angry/sad/jealous in private then that made space for the happiness for them to flow more naturally.


Blankspace4 · 15/10/2018 15:26

Yeah the Megan news has made me feel particularly Confused today. OF BLOODY COURSE she’s pregnant straight away (why is there no eye roll emoji??!)

OP posts:

LightOfTheSun · 15/10/2018 18:28

I don’t care one jot if I’m judged, but no, I’m not happy ‘for them’ at announcements. I’m at the end of my options and will never have a child of my own. It’s a very different thing to be happy for people when you still have hope, even if it’s a tiny amount. Maybe one day that won’t be a knife through the heart, but right now? Nope.

Yes. Of all the days in the year for a royal pregnancy announcement, today was on balance a poor choice.

Sending love to all who have been affected by miscarriage and baby loss as we make the Wave of Light happen. 🕯


Sameoldstorytime · 15/10/2018 20:00

I feel the same.

Been TTC for two and a half years.
SIL started TTC at the same time and got pregnant on the first cycle.
Then one friend got pregnant
Then another friend realised she was also pregnant and already 20 weeks and didn't know.
Then another one.
Then my best friend who also started TTC at the same time
Then my sister
Then my cousin
Then another cousin
Now the two original pregnant friends are pregnant with there 2nd ones.
And then today Meghan makes an announcement and so does a work colleague.

At the start there were tears and anger.
Now I think I'm just numb to it.

And all I'm told is 'unexplained infertility' come back in a few months and if it still hasn't happened we can discuss options


LightOfTheSun · 15/10/2018 20:19

SameOld, I don’t know your story and apologies if this is unsolicited advice/patronising but speaking as someone who ran out of time for a successful outcome from fertility treatments, if you haven’t conceived in 2.5years with regular sex, you absolutely should be having further investigations.

If the NHS (assuming you are in the UK?) won’t help (against guidelines...) private fertility clinics can run tests for you, or at least talk through your history. It’s not free (we paid ~£400 for both of us) but compared to the cost of fertility treatment is a drop in the ocean.

I hope this comes across in the spirit it is meant, which is to offer support.


Hortonlovesahoo · 15/10/2018 21:24

I know exactly what you mean. I feel guilty for avoiding people.


Sameoldstorytime · 16/10/2018 07:55

Hey @lightofthesun

No it's fine :) I have an appointment soon. I've had all the relevant tests done and investigations.

Due to the area I am in, IVF will only be offered on the NHS after 3 years of ttc.

So we shall see what they say when I go for my appointment and go from there, if it isn't put forward as an option then I'll just take matters into my own hands and go privately.

Thank you though :)


Cherries101 · 16/10/2018 13:16

I’m never happy. Why should I be if someone ‘announces’ their pregnancy publically with no thought for anyone else’s feelings? To put it bluntly, they’re my feelings and if I want to ignore accouncement walk away from a pregnant lady without saying congratulations I have every right to.


BeauxHeaux · 19/10/2018 18:32

I'd say there's been a lot of prep in the background for Meghan to get pregnant so quickly, the royals don't leave this kind of thing to chance, there would have been a lot of testing if not freezing going on to my mind, they have the resources. I had to get that out of my system! Generally though, I'm always pleased to hear pregnancy news.

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