The most humiliating episode of this whole sorry saga

[Onetimehereonly]

Not even sure where to go from here.

Im 37, my Fiance is 39. We have been together for eleven years.

I am fulky aware we have left it late but careers and travel and other life stuff have conspired against us. We have been ttc for nearly eighteen months now. So far Zilch!, nada, nothing!

We have both been tested and appear fine (for our ages) apart from what was described as a

"slightly lower than normal count, but nothing to worry about at this stage"

In relation to my Fiance.

I am stressed to my wits end with the whole fucking thing. Sick of cycles, and temps and sick of the fucking fertility app that I stare at every fucking day! (I know!)

So this morning was smack in the middle of "fun time". We didn't dtd yesterday or the day before because we had family over for the weekend. So today was THE day. My Fiance works nights and I was on an early shift. We cross over for an hour in the morning but wont see eachother this evening as he will have left for work before I get home.

Anyway. We had planned to dtd this morning after he got home, but before I left for my bus. He called to say he was running late. This is where things got seriously fucking warped and I think I lost the plot.

I text him to say that we still had to dtd and that he had to get here as otherwise this month looked likely wasted. I went from being ready, I.E still in bed, to getting "half ready", showered, make-up on, hair sorted and clothes ready. Figured we could just work out some position which wouldnt disturb anything and I could get cleaned up and still make my bus. Sorry for the TMI.

Anyway he was still not home by half past. I was really anxious by then and when he did get in it was going on for twentyfive to. I basically lost it, we had ten mins by then to get sorted or I would miss my bus. So what did I do?

I demanded/ordered we do dtd right there and then. No nothing. Just get it done.

Needless to say it didnt happen. In the time we had he just couldnt "perform", in fact he didn't even get close to being able to, iyswim.

I lost my shit at that point and juat about called him every name I could think of ,and then some. Told him how I was sick of this fucking whole thing. Told him how I was the only one making any effort and when I needed him to contribute he couldnt even get that right. I was a fucking deamon from hell and just walked out and left him there.

We havent spoken since, I have text him but he hasn't replied. What the fuck do I do now?

Im so angry with myself. And fucking furious about the fucking humiliation of being stood there in our bedroom, half dressed, everything "on show", in front of him, and he couldnt even get close to doing what he needed to do. I feel like a fat fucking whale. My Fiance cant even get it up when im literally begging him! I cant get pregnant despite doing EVERY. FUCKING. THING my GP and Mumsnet say I should.

I cant even see how we can get back from this. Just the picture in my mind of the whole scene. What the fuck did we look like!

How fucking himiliating!

Sorry Im just ranting. I have NC for this. THIS IS SHIT!

OP there are a few things that stand out here - the first is you mention several times that you aren’t sure he wants to be with you/that you don’t want to be with him if you can’t have a baby etc. I know right now it feels like you are in the most stressful and pressurised bubble, but you need to consider very seriously if you should be together at all - having a newborn is really, REALLY hard, especially when you add in the weight of all your expectations. If you can’t get through this together I really would question how your relationship will hold up to the strain of the early days of parenthood - it’s really fucking hard, even in a rock solid partnership.

The other is that you mention many times your lack of money - are you sure this is the right time for you to add a baby to this? It’s astrinomically expensive, and how would you fund may leave/child care?

"
After one such comment friend told her DM that they were trying but nothing happening. DM told her to lie in bed after with her bum in the air for an hour."
After sex? Or just in general?

You always get all these 'is your relationship even strong enough if infertility has tested it?' and 'but if you can't afford IVF how will you afford a baby?' on infertility posts. No one ever questions someone who gets pregnant first go about this. I found that one of the most anxiety inducing things about my own fertility problems; I was encouraged to constantly question whether I really wanted children, whether my circumstances were ideal enough, whether my motives were sufficiently pure if I wanted a biological child and not to adopt, and so on. But if you get pregnant carelessly the whole world is queuing up to congratulate you.

Excellent post. Id struggle with thousands for infertility treatment. Child costs are a bit more ongoing rather than a big one off.

Nobody knows for sure whether it was a fluke but she was pregnant soon after.

Yep, agreed with @margaretcavendish they do know for sure, it’s a complete coincidence.

I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty time OP, but fucking hell some of the posts on here.

The OP is clearly having a rough time and this is not AIBU. Many of the posts on here are unhelpful at best and several of them are actually cruel. The OP wishes to get pregnant and is having a hard time with this. Why the fuck would anyone come on here and suggest she “just” adopts. She hasn’t mentioned that she is considering this, she wants to get pregnant and adopting is not a simple substitute for this. It’s an entirely different way of having a family and one which should be an active choice rather than an easy substitute to having your own children. That’s aside from the fact that it is a bloody difficult thing to do.

ok but babies/children/teenagers/adult children also cost money. a lot of it! and your capacity to earn is diminished.

FFS. Yes they do cost a lot of money, but you don’t have to stump up £10K up front to raise your children like you do with IVF. And babies are comparatively quite cheap to raise. No one would dream of saying to someone who was pregnant without difficulty “are you sure you can afford it?” rather than congratulate them so why would anyone think it helpful to say to someone clearly in pain. It’s just nasty.

I found that one of the most anxiety inducing things about my own fertility problems; I was encouraged to constantly question whether I really wanted children, whether my circumstances were ideal enough, whether my motives were sufficiently pure if I wanted a biological child and not to adopt, and so on. But if you get pregnant carelessly the whole world is queuing up to congratulate you.

Yes, me too @margaretcavendish. You’re constantly made to question whether you want it “badly enough”.

It sounds like all the fun has gone and your putting too much pressure on you to have sex at the "right" time.
Just have sex when you actually want to, put the enjoyment back in to your relationship. Spend time together not talking about babies.
Do the things together you used to enjoy.
The more you stress and obsess the less likely it is to happen.
Give yourself s couple of months without tracking on the app, temperature taking or even thinking about it.
It will happen but right now you have to get the love and fun back in your relationship.

OP> I hope you and your fiance can get past this incident. It's a shit, stressful thing to go through and so many of us end up not recognising ourselves or our actions any more. It's just the pressure of the situation. Try and be kind to yourself.

People who post that if you can't afford IVF then you can't afford a child are just idiots. The only way paying for actual children vs paying for IVF is in any way analogous would be if everyone was required to pay upwards of £6K every time they had unprotected sex. Because that's what you are paying for - not a child but the CHANCE to have a child. And guess what? If it works you STILL have to pay for all the other things that comes with having a child.

Does anyone know if posts from Infertility show up in Active conversation or any of the other lists? If they are and that's how the 'just adopt' and 'if you can't afford IVF then how will you pay for a child' crew showed up then perhaps it's worth asking Mumsnet to make sure they don't appear there. I don't see why posts here shouldn't be afforded at least some protection. Posters here are vulnerable in a way that most people can't even begin to understand.

The one thing I was going to add OP and I don’t wish to upset you more, but you mention a couple of times about your partner “not being able to get you pregnant like other men can”. I’m not sure whether you mean like other men can get their partners pregnant or whether you mean you’ve previously been pregnant with a past partner. I’m sure it’s just frustration and sadness at your situation that means you phrase it like that, but saying he can’t get you pregnant implies you think the situation is his fault which 1) it isn’t, 2) makes it sound as if you are blaming him and 3) will damage your relationship.

We have both male and female factor infertility so it’s both of our “faults”, but even if it wasn’t we’re in this together and none of it is anyone’s fault. As 25% of infertility is unexplained, there’s often not an identifiable cause. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there isn’t a cause, just that one hasn’t been found which might be because medical science hasn’t advanced far enough to be able to identify all issues causing infertility. Even if one person in a couple does have an identifiable cause of infertility, it doesn’t mean they are to “blame” or they are the only one with cause for infertility, it’s quite possible that there are issues with the other half of the couple which medicine has not yet advanced far enough to be able to test for/identify.

I also think you should throw away the OPK sticks, delete the fertility app and try to stop obsessively testing as it’s not doing your mental health any good and it sounds like it’s actually harmful psychologically, to your relationship and isn’t helping anyway.

I really don’t mean this unkindly at all. It’s totally shit and you need to try to be kinder to yourself as clearly the way you’ve acted comes as a consequence of great pain. Unfortunately people who haven’t been through this cannot understand what it’s like or how bloody difficult it is. Until you’re faced with the situation yourself you have NO IDEA how you’d deal with it even if you think you do.

I hope you’re feeling a little better today and have been able to talk to and work on things with your partner.

Wow.

Didnt expect such a debate about the situation.

I am a lot calmer today and have read the posts on here over and over. For the sake of clarity and to give a little back to everybody who posted, I would like to answer a few issues raised and just explain what has happened today.

Yes, I realise that I have over reacted. And that what I said to my Fiance was not only cruel, but actually abusive. I cant remember the name of the poster who brought up the fact that if a man had said those things to a woman, or demanded sex when she clearly didn't want to, that it would be considered extremly abusive, possibly even an offence! That post stopped me in my tracks because it was actually true. I just couldnt see it.

The past day has been hell for me and for my Fiance too.

I dont have any other kids.

My comment about my Fiance not being able to get me pregnant like other men was written in anger. It was not really me or my actual feelings. I know I could be just as much to blame as him. Who knows why!

Adoption isn't an option for us. Although I am not a social worker, I have a lot of experience of the adoption system and processes (work related) and it's not something either of us is prepared to do.

I dont think the comments about money are valid. We have enough to pay our bills and live in relative comfort. Our car would be considered a luxury model, we just dont have £10,000 lying around to gamble away on private treatment.

I didnt go to work today. My Fiance agreed to meet me in town and we had a talk. He is hurting, he has said that he never thought I would be the one to say such crual things to him. He explained that he actually doesn't know if he wants to co tinue ttc. He thinks it will break us. He said that a baby can't just be at any cost, there has to be a limit to how much time, energy and effort is spent. He thinks that a baby should be an addition to a relationship, not the reason for it. And that ttc has religated ours to the former.

He thinks we should stop, spend some time apart and decide what we both want. Basically he is breaking up with me. And I cant blame him.

I feel numb right now. Like a death in the family. I have said that I want to talk again in a week, which he has agreed to. He wasnt angry, he was calm and reserved when we spoke, I know him and this means he was serious.

So I have decided to swotch my focus, away from babies and instead concentrate on how to stop being a bitch. And how to be normal again.

Thanks for your advice.

I have messed up badly and am trying to look at this as a reality check.

if I were you, I'd hide this thread, don't dwell on it, and try to move forward. I'm sorry you've had such an awful week. the good thing about reality checks is that you remember them when you move forward

Ignore qvar, none of what they’re saying is helpful.

Op I was in your position. I had a baby that died and multiple miscarriages and became obsessed. After about a year we had a particularly bad month where I was enormously stressed and got furious when he was too tired to dtd. I felt like he should be grateful, after all, all he had to do was orgasm, it was me that went through the pregnancies, the miscarriages, the painful and humiliating diagnostics... Don’t be too hard on yourself. You need to apologise but you already know that. Sit down together and talk about how much more of this you want to go through. For us, we set a deadline and decided if I wasn’t heavily pregnant by then, we’d adopt.

The conversation needs to be on how this journey is breaking you. I suggest you work together to look at alternatives - surrogacy, private ivf, adoption etc and to look at how they might sit alongside your ttc.

Stories telling you to stop trying and it’ll just happen aren’t helpful too, because that doesn’t happen for everyone. But at least if you have an alternative plan to your own boologival child conceived without help, you’ll feel a bit less pressured.

In short, sounds like you both had a horrible time. Go home, ask for a cuddle and tell him this has made you realise that something has to give. Apologise, tell him you love him and ask him where you go from here. Best of luck op, and my sympathies, the ttc journey fucks with your head...

Fuck, op, I hadn’t refreshed this when I wrote my post and so hadn’t seen your update. I’m so so so sorry to hear that, hopefully some breathing space will bring you back together. Please ignore what I wrote, I’ll ask mn to delete it.

I wish you all the luck in the world, OP.

I've been there too.

At least I bothered reading the fucking thread, Homels, which you did not bother with. And everything I said was true, and came from a position of having experience of being in the OP's partner's position

I just re-read my last post. I didn't mean to come across so matter of fact. The last few sentences seem like I dont care whats happened. I do. Sorry. Im just a bit detached from things right now. Sorry.

So sorry OP. This thread is heartbreaking. Really hope you get what you want.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Your post is heart breaking, for both of you. It comes across as utterly obvious how desperate you are to have a baby with your partner. I do get that totally.
You crossed a line this morning, you know it without anyone on here telling you that. And you have apologized, and that was so so brave of you to do that. It has to be acknowledged.
Could you both take 3 months off trying to conceive?
It is only a short break, but would give you a chance to get the romance back in your lives and chill a little. I wish you both the very best of luck.

can people please read her update and stop telling her to make plans with this man? It's borderline cruel, isn't it?

Thank you for the very frank and honest update OP. Only time will tell if you can get your relationship back on track or not. In the meantime I guess you need to look at your life and what is important to you. If this is the end of this relationship then I am very sorry. I wish you well whatever your future holds.

OP he’s asked for a break and some time apart, that doesn’t mean he’s breaking up. It just means time apart to re-evaluate things. It means time apart to be able to reflect and maybe realise how crazy and miserable the whole thing is making you.
I have a friend who went absolutely nuts TTC, it was a male factor issue so I know her DH felt like he couldn’t do his bit and it sort of diminished his sense of masculinity.

The arguments they had were crazy, I would be there to pick up the pieces for both of them. They spent almost 3 months apart but getting to know each other again (if that makes sense). Went on a first date and just learned to have fun and be back in love with each other without the craziness. They now are really happy with a gorgeous pair of boys running around (one IVF conceived and the other naturally). They re-evaluated what was important and ditched the Range Rover to fund overseas IVF. By the way she was 40 when she had her first and 42 when she had her second

If a lump sum is out of the question - some clinics allow payment plans.

Hi OP. Hope you're OK and most of this has calmed down. Sending you best wishes.