The most humiliating episode of this whole sorry saga

[Onetimehereonly]

Not even sure where to go from here.

Im 37, my Fiance is 39. We have been together for eleven years.

I am fulky aware we have left it late but careers and travel and other life stuff have conspired against us. We have been ttc for nearly eighteen months now. So far Zilch!, nada, nothing!

We have both been tested and appear fine (for our ages) apart from what was described as a

"slightly lower than normal count, but nothing to worry about at this stage"

In relation to my Fiance.

I am stressed to my wits end with the whole fucking thing. Sick of cycles, and temps and sick of the fucking fertility app that I stare at every fucking day! (I know!)

So this morning was smack in the middle of "fun time". We didn't dtd yesterday or the day before because we had family over for the weekend. So today was THE day. My Fiance works nights and I was on an early shift. We cross over for an hour in the morning but wont see eachother this evening as he will have left for work before I get home.

Anyway. We had planned to dtd this morning after he got home, but before I left for my bus. He called to say he was running late. This is where things got seriously fucking warped and I think I lost the plot.

I text him to say that we still had to dtd and that he had to get here as otherwise this month looked likely wasted. I went from being ready, I.E still in bed, to getting "half ready", showered, make-up on, hair sorted and clothes ready. Figured we could just work out some position which wouldnt disturb anything and I could get cleaned up and still make my bus. Sorry for the TMI.

Anyway he was still not home by half past. I was really anxious by then and when he did get in it was going on for twentyfive to. I basically lost it, we had ten mins by then to get sorted or I would miss my bus. So what did I do?

I demanded/ordered we do dtd right there and then. No nothing. Just get it done.

Needless to say it didnt happen. In the time we had he just couldnt "perform", in fact he didn't even get close to being able to, iyswim.

I lost my shit at that point and juat about called him every name I could think of ,and then some. Told him how I was sick of this fucking whole thing. Told him how I was the only one making any effort and when I needed him to contribute he couldnt even get that right. I was a fucking deamon from hell and just walked out and left him there.

We havent spoken since, I have text him but he hasn't replied. What the fuck do I do now?

Im so angry with myself. And fucking furious about the fucking humiliation of being stood there in our bedroom, half dressed, everything "on show", in front of him, and he couldnt even get close to doing what he needed to do. I feel like a fat fucking whale. My Fiance cant even get it up when im literally begging him! I cant get pregnant despite doing EVERY. FUCKING. THING my GP and Mumsnet say I should.

I cant even see how we can get back from this. Just the picture in my mind of the whole scene. What the fuck did we look like!

How fucking himiliating!

Sorry Im just ranting. I have NC for this. THIS IS SHIT!

It sounds like you feel like you have blown it but you haven't. You're obviously a strong couple and indeed this was a ridiculous situation.

Try to forget about it and move on. Say sorry. Realise you put too much expectation on this one opportunity. You have experienced a low but life is beautiful and will bring highs soon.

Thanks Rich.

I just read my post back and I know I sound terrible. I'm not, honest. I just dont know how to get back from this. If I wasnt at work now I would be drinking myself stupid I think!

Think an apology and a huge cry or whatever together is order of the day, sure you both feel as crap as each other

You need to apologise. Whole heartedly and sincerely. And you need to give him time to recover from the fact that, although you feel humiliated, actually you humiliated him too.

Apologise to him.

Then talk about what you are both going through, he probably also feels shit about his count.

Then talk about what happens next. Can you afford private IVF? Can you start saving? Do you need a break from TTC for 3 months? What can you change?

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say that it's totally understandable that you found yourself in this ridiculous situation. Infertility totally fucks with your head and affects every single aspect of your life - it puts HUGE pressure on people and relationships.

For me, it was actually a relief in a way to be told it was impossible for me to get pregnant without IVF. I was devastated but at least I knew it was pointless stressing myself out doing all the things you describe, and getting my hopes up every month. We had been TTC for 2 years by this point and it was really taking its toll.

Infertility is truly shit and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sorry you're going through this

Pottering

I know. This is why I feel so shit in myself.

I forget how men and women are. For us its just such a mechanical process. We can do our bit regardlessof how tired or how bad our mood is. I know for men its very very different.

I know I humiliated him too. I can see the look on his face and the image of us in that room, exposed as we were. Christ! Im not sure hes ever going to forgive me, let alone want to be with me again.

Now I have put our actual relationship in danger. I know him. And I know how he thinks. Hes very likely to just want to walk away. I have been a bitch about this in the past as well. I think I have well and truly fucked things up this time.

Thanks for the replys. Dont know what I would havw donr if I was ignored on here too.

you over reacted. Apologise, explain what happened and take time out for things to hopefully get back to normal.

@Onetimehereonly hand on heart would you rather have your marriage without children rather than it end? If that is the case I think you need to tell your DH that you recognise that you have lost the plot and think you need to discuss whether pursuing Getting pregnant is the way forward or not.

More

He's probably just as stressed out as you, and not many (if any) men can perform in those circumstances. I understand how you're feeling but these things can't be helped, you can't let it take over your life to the point where it causes this kind of reaction :(

Good luck to

Thanks.

I know. We have some serious talking to do. I honestly don't think I know what to do.

I cant describe the desperation I have about wanting a baby. And it is desperation. I have just turned 37 and know my time is just about up. We cant afford Ivf. We struggled like you wouldnt believe just to be able to get a mortgage. Im 37, i have two Degrees, im in a "professional" post but I have to take the bus to work because we can only afford one car, thanks south-east house prices!

I think we cant go on if I cant get pregnant. Shit as that sounds. I think if we end up with nothing after all this, then we wont be able to look at eachother in the same way again. I cant say this in reality so Im going to "shout" it into the Mumsnet wilderness

I FUCKING RESENT THIS SHIT SITUATION AND I FUCKING RESENT THAT MY FIANCE CAN'T GET ME PREGNANT LIKE OTHER MEN CAN! FUCK YOU FERTILITY YOU ABSOLUTE CUNT!

Sorry. Sorry Sorry ,Im sure that will be deleted by HQ anyway!

Have you taken steps to eat healthier, reduce alcohol etc. Lifestyle changes can (over time) improve sperm health. May be take a break for 3 months, both of you try and be more healthy, have some fun, travel. If you still both want to be together and have a baby at the end of 3 months then try again.

I really feel for you. Don’t beat yourself up. TTC becomes extremely stressful when you just aren’t conceiving.

Tell him you love him, tell him you are sorry and have a discussion about what the next stage is for you both. Maybe look at the Clearblue advanced fertility monitor? Or maybe think about moving forward with IVF?

I don’t miss TTC sex at all. It’s the worst.

That sounds really stressful for both of you.

In all honesty, I think I would have taken my time and got a minicab to work.

There is also the possibility of doing DIY home insemination even if you don’t physically coincide in the same room at the right time - there are some threads about it on here. Not romantic, but might take the pressure off the time window.

IUI is a lot cheaper than IVF - have you looked into that?

AND I FUCKING RESENT THAT MY FIANCE CAN'T GET ME PREGNANT LIKE OTHER MEN CAN!

Then i think you need to leave. Because if that’s really how you feel and the relationship is not worth it without children you need to go before it destroys your whole life. And if you stay, leave him in 2 years and then don’t find a way to have children potentially it will.

Imagine the boot was on the other foot and he resented you for not being able to get pregnant...

You need to decide what’s more important; him or children.

OP, I really feel for you, as I reckon anyone who's been through rubbish infertility or even difficulty TTC has. (Might some of the judgments above come from posters who haven't experienced this?) It's absolute shite, and you quickly become fully focussed on making a baby, even to the detriment of your relationship. I also think our OHs often don't understand the deep desire of a woman to create a baby, and whilst they're also interested in having children at some point, they just don't feel the burning urgency that we do. ( I also think they don't really understand how the timing works, how age affects TTC, etc.) I definitely had months where I told my DH we were in the fertile week and he was simply too tired, busy, etc to do it, or even a bit turned off at doing sex on demand as he felt like a stud pony, and sweetly thought it wasn't as romantic as he wanted our lovemaking and babymaking to be. But of course I sobbed, took it as a sign that he simply wasn't committed to me or my/our dream of future and family. It of course wasn't true but did cause us some strife. If I'm completely honest, our sex life still still hasn't fully recovered as it's hard to be fully spontaneous, though we don't have the tears and arguments anymore.

At 37 and 18 months TTC you should get a referral for more testing, as after 6 months you're considered subfertile if you haven't been upduffed. Whilst there may be mild male factor there may also be things affecting your side. (I don't say this to blame you but from my own experience).

Hope you've been able to talk things over a bit and find yourself in a better place than this morning. You're welcome to vent here any time

Hey.

Sorry about the things I said about my Fiance not being able to get me pregnant. I didn't really mean what I posted in the literal sense. It's just hard to accept that I'm running out of time.

It's tricky because we have so much in common and this wasn't part of the plan. I know my peraonality has changed since ttc. I even look different. I cant articulate the gut punching urge I have to get pregnant.

Anyway. I left work early today and went home. My Fiance was there and we have been talking for hours. He didnt go to work tonight. But he isn't staying home either. He left about an hour ago. He is driving back to stay with his parents for a few days.

I have apologised and apologised and apologised again. He said he understands how this is so hard for me and that he feels shit for not getting me pregnant. But I don't know whose fault that actually is anymore.

I cant tell my one true friend about any of this as she would tell me straight to my face all the things I need to be told but dont want to hear tonight. Shes straight talking like that.

My Fiance said that he wants a baby with me still, but with the old me, not the angry abusive me. He said he will come back this weekend and I know he will. But what then?

We barely have enough actual cash to pay the bills let alone find the money for private treatment or more tests. On paper we look great and to people outside we look flush with cash. Its just not true.

My Fiance said that I hurt and humiliated him in a way that he cant even articulate. I know thata true and I feel sick thinking about it. I dont know wherw this post is going sorry. Thanks everyone.

Have you talked to your GP about your TTC struggles, OP?

Sending hugs. This is shit. I'm really sorry.

Honestly you need to just stop. I’ve been there, I had secondary infertility between the ages of 37 and 40 and three miscarriages thrown in when we did manage to concieve.

I was obsessed. Perhaps not abusive but definitely quite unhinged. I ended up throwing the preseed away, dumping the thermometer, binning the ovulation sticks and the monitor, deleting the app, just all of it had to go. We just went back to having sex and I got pregnant! The stress you are feeling is going you no good at all. I also had counselling and that helped massively.

So sorry that you’re going through this. It really is awful, and it is enough to test the sanity and relationship of anyone.

Obviously at the moment you are not feeling in control at all and are really distressed. If that were me I’d be seeing my GP and asking for help, both in terms of counselling to tackle the emotional side and in terms of not being able to conceive yet. Also, IVF isn’t necessarily the only option, and even if it is you might be able to get it funded.

If seeing your GP doesn’t feel like an option, there are other organisations that offer support and advice, like fertilitynetworkuk.org/

I know it is easy to say, but you won’t always feel like this and you aren’t alone.

ok but babies/children/teenagers/adult children also cost money. a lot of it! and your capacity to earn is diminished.

You're back's been up against the wall for too long and you've cracked. It's broken you. The whole bloody baby-making circus has broken you. I feel your anguish completely and I would feel exactly like you, exactly, if I were walking your walk. Ok, so you said what you said and yeah, so it was a little bit harsh. But you're not wrong. That's the thing. You're with a partner who probably won't get you pregnant without help, i.e. ICSI. And that's where you're at. You know this and you're angry and heartbroken. And it's painful for both of you. I really, really feel for both of you.

The options are adoption, ICSI/IVF, no children, or going your separate ways (many, many women are having kids well into their 40s). I think you've hit the wall, the one with the writing on it. This is your Crossing the Rubicon moment, OP. And part of your sadness and anger is because you know it's time to make big and perhaps painful decisions.