The most humiliating episode of this whole sorry saga

[Onetimehereonly]

Not even sure where to go from here.

Im 37, my Fiance is 39. We have been together for eleven years.

I am fulky aware we have left it late but careers and travel and other life stuff have conspired against us. We have been ttc for nearly eighteen months now. So far Zilch!, nada, nothing!

We have both been tested and appear fine (for our ages) apart from what was described as a

"slightly lower than normal count, but nothing to worry about at this stage"

In relation to my Fiance.

I am stressed to my wits end with the whole fucking thing. Sick of cycles, and temps and sick of the fucking fertility app that I stare at every fucking day! (I know!)

So this morning was smack in the middle of "fun time". We didn't dtd yesterday or the day before because we had family over for the weekend. So today was THE day. My Fiance works nights and I was on an early shift. We cross over for an hour in the morning but wont see eachother this evening as he will have left for work before I get home.

Anyway. We had planned to dtd this morning after he got home, but before I left for my bus. He called to say he was running late. This is where things got seriously fucking warped and I think I lost the plot.

I text him to say that we still had to dtd and that he had to get here as otherwise this month looked likely wasted. I went from being ready, I.E still in bed, to getting "half ready", showered, make-up on, hair sorted and clothes ready. Figured we could just work out some position which wouldnt disturb anything and I could get cleaned up and still make my bus. Sorry for the TMI.

Anyway he was still not home by half past. I was really anxious by then and when he did get in it was going on for twentyfive to. I basically lost it, we had ten mins by then to get sorted or I would miss my bus. So what did I do?

I demanded/ordered we do dtd right there and then. No nothing. Just get it done.

Needless to say it didnt happen. In the time we had he just couldnt "perform", in fact he didn't even get close to being able to, iyswim.

I lost my shit at that point and juat about called him every name I could think of ,and then some. Told him how I was sick of this fucking whole thing. Told him how I was the only one making any effort and when I needed him to contribute he couldnt even get that right. I was a fucking deamon from hell and just walked out and left him there.

We havent spoken since, I have text him but he hasn't replied. What the fuck do I do now?

Im so angry with myself. And fucking furious about the fucking humiliation of being stood there in our bedroom, half dressed, everything "on show", in front of him, and he couldnt even get close to doing what he needed to do. I feel like a fat fucking whale. My Fiance cant even get it up when im literally begging him! I cant get pregnant despite doing EVERY. FUCKING. THING my GP and Mumsnet say I should.

I cant even see how we can get back from this. Just the picture in my mind of the whole scene. What the fuck did we look like!

How fucking himiliating!

Sorry Im just ranting. I have NC for this. THIS IS SHIT!

Ah shite! I keep doing this with my grammar!
'YOUR back's up' NOT 'You're back's up.'
Sorry. I'm being pedantic. And the point of my post is SO not my bad grammar but to just show you support. Hugs.

I feel very very sorry for you

I also feel very very sorry for your partner

You verbally abused him because he couldn't get an erection to have sex with you on demand.

I don't think there is actually any coming back from that. Screaming at someone because they won't have sex with you is coerced sexual assault.

Oh OP - you have absolutely reached the end of your tether and you have really hurt and humiliated your DH.

My advice would be to ditch the charts, thermometers, and Apps. Concentrate on getting your relationship back on an even keel. Have sex when you want to, because you want to, not to get pregnant but to reconnect with your DH.

During this time consider together what other steps you can take if you don't get pregnant. I guess IVF and adoption are the two options. If neither of these are for you consider how you might shape your lives without children in them. Many people do and lead fulfilling and happy lives.

Please take care of yourself.

I don’t know what to advise OP but I just wanted to add some support. You know the damage you’ve done to your relationship and your fiancé so no one needs to tell you that or that it’s abuse/assault etc. No one who hasn’t been through infertility can understand the impact on your mental health. Just keep being as kind as you can to yourself and to him, and consider which is more important at this stage - a better chance to get pregnant (ie with someone else) or your relationship with him. If it’s him, it might be time to see if it’s possible to stop actively trying. It’s probably not possible for you yet, and if it’s not you can’t force yourself.

Really nobody needs to say it?

I think someone needs to say it.

OP you're not getting a baby out of this man. he no longer wants to have a baby with you, probably because you have shown him that when your back's against the wall, you ERUPT into abuse.

Nobody wants to raise their child with that.

How about this weekend, you have fun sex. no pressure to perform sex.
Lovely sex. Sex for no other reason than you want to have sex. Not apology sex, but I still love you sex.

Thats how you get back from this.

The whole thing is so incredibly stressful, no wonder it breaks people. Glad you;ve been able to talk to each other.

There is also the possibility of doing DIY home insemination even if you don’t physically coincide in the same room at the right time - there are some threads about it on here. Not romantic, but might take the pressure off the time window.

I second considering this maybe. Worked for a friend after 2 years of trying the usual way became impossible due to the stress of it all.

Fucking hell Qvar - this is not in AIBU, you know! How about some understanding and compassion? This is a very common thing that couples go through when dealing with infertility!

I don't think it is normal for couples to ABUSE each other when dealing with infertility

I'm not telling the OP she has been unreasonable, and she hasn't asked that anyway. I'm telling her she has been abusive, because she doesn't seem to realise this and everyone else is pandering to her feelings of understandable frustration whilst COMPLETELY IGNORING THE FACT THAT SHE EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED HER PARTNER ABOUT SEX.

is that ok here, in the fertility sub? Are people to accept that abuse in infertile couples is a normal response? because I don't accept abuse as a normal response to conflict and frustration.

Don't be daft Quovar.

Once when we were ttc (year 3, me 38) my DHs flight was delayed. He got back from a 12 hour journey at 22.30 to be greeted by me (wearing a lovely velour dressing gown) waving an ovulation stick at him and demanding he get upstairs.

Big row.

We laugh about it now though.

We eventually got DS after having a minor op. All our bloods:sperm counts were fine but a bad late miscarriage had left me with uterine adhesions. They don't show up in any tests so bear in mind that there could be other issues.

This isn't about him. Or you as a couple. Or the fight.

It's the situation you're in. I'm sure he feels exactly the same furious frustration as you do. He just expresses it differently.

I know exactly how this feels because I was you 5 years ago. It's fucking horrendous.

You need to draw a line under this and start taking control of the situation together. Make a plan.

Go to your GP ASAP. After 35 they will look into infertility if you've been trying for over 6 months (they did in my case). Get in the system, get your referral. Get on the waiting list for IUI and IVF.

If you can afford it go to a private fertility clinic (we used Zita West). Don't dilly dally about with all the diet and talking therapies stuff (I wasted a couple of years on this). Just go for the IUI and if that doesn't work the IVF.

We were unexplained too. IUI worked for us. Twice. It's about £700 privately.

Once you're in the system with the NHS fertility clinic, ask about counselling. I did this. It was a god send to be able to talk all my shit through with someone who understands. I went weekly throughout us trying. And then kept up the appointments once I was pregnant as the anxiety never left. I couldn't quite believe after EVERYTHING we had been through, that it had happened. And our relationship had changed. God, it took a battering. We're good now, but nothing drives you apart quite as cruelly as infertility.

Sending massive solidarity OP.

I'm not being daft, and the OP's husband has, in fact, left due to feeling incredibly hurt. her situation is not yours.

I lost my shit at that point and juat about called him every name I could think of ,and then some. Told him how I was sick of this fucking whole thing. Told him how I was the only one making any effort and when I needed him to contribute he couldnt even get that right. I was a fucking deamon from hell and just walked out and left him there.

Hands up who would come back for round two of that?

Are you actually living/have lived with infertility Qvar? Because you don't seem to appreciate the depths of unhinged insanity to which it drives people.

And lots of people would come back for round two of that, my DH being one of them.

Because he understood that, y'know, I was losing my fucking mind, same as the op is.

I've lived with an abuser, and I definitely recognise the back pedalling and self justification that's happening here. OP verbally and emotionally abuses husband because he couldn't get an erection to make her pregnant with. Ahhh, poor op. Be nice to husband when he comes back for round two.

SOmeone who loses their shit because their husband wouldn't do what they wanted is not someone that husband should make a baby with. And yes, poor OP, it's a sad situation, but it's been made infinitely worse by domestic abuse.

I feel for you OP, it must be such a stressful time for you both.

I second the advice to take a break from it all, bin the sticks delete the app and spend 3-6 months just thinking about wether IVF or adoption is something you would like to explore.

If you and your DP want to go with IVF yhe speak to your GP as you may be entitled to one or more cycles on the NHS.

In the meantime have sex when you want it, because you love your DH. You have a lot of making up to do. Show him that you can get back to your old self and you love him, not just his sperm.

Counselling could help.

You can lose your mind without abusing your partner.

Qvar you really don't know what making babies can do to couples, do you?

I don't think the OP was asking AIBU and she's not on trial here. She's in a shit situation and she knows what she said was terrible. How she's feeling is worse though. She and her partner have failed to have a family. That is a searing pain beyond comprehension to so many.

Hurt people hurt people. And OP is hurting. We say mean shit when we're in pain. We're human. This isn't some long-term domestic abuse situation. This is a couple at the end of their tether, with nowhere left to go really.

Seriously does nobody have a hard line they draw with their behaviour?

I know someone whose child has DIED and they don't abuse their partner.

SOmething can be searingly painful without you needing to spread the pain around.

Infertility is searingly painful and it breaks relationships. A relationship where one person has resorted to abusing the other in an attempt to get their own way is BROKEN. because the person who got abused, the victim of the abuse, will never again fully trust the abuser not to abuse when their back is against the wall.

OP may never ever behave like that again - too late.

I get that it's painful - it's still abuse

I get that it's unbearable - it's still abuse

I get that she actually couldn't help herself - and it's STILL ABUSE

I think I agree with Qvar.
If this had been op's partner who had lost his mind stressing about conceiving and been stood naked at the front door screaming and demanding that op dtd right here right now then you'd all tell her to ltb. Let's not justify domestic abuse just because it's the woman doing it.

I think you need to stop trying to conceive and hope he forgives you. Repair your relationship if you can.

Friend was in similar position. Her mum kept on about gc not realising that they were trying.

After one such comment friend told her DM that they were trying but nothing happening. DM told her to lie in bed after with her bum in the air for an hour.
Nobody knows for sure whether it was a fluke but she was pregnant soon after.

Jeez she’s stressed. Thankfully it sounds like your partner actually understands the situation.

Stop ‘trying’ and go back to enjoying sex. Whilst you both feel such immense pressure to perform it won’t happen to the standard necessary to make a baby anyway.

It’s all well and good saying you just have to lie back as such but the sex has to actually be good as orgasm increases your chances of getting pregnant.

Take the pressure off. Concentrate on your lives without kids, make plans without them.

It took us 7yrs TTC and I now have three. I’ve been through this crap, I’ve screamed at my husband, I’ve felt useless and incapable and taken it out on everyone else. It may happen, it may not, but don’t waste your life waiting or ruin your relationship because of stress. Give yourself another focus, exercise, eat well, get a job you love, get a hobbie. Good luck OP you’ll be fine either way

Qvar I had a child who died. On the surface and from the outside me and DH coped well. But there were moments when i let rip in hurtful ways at DH and there were times DH acted in hurtful ways to me. Nothing physical ever, all just verbal, but we understood that we were both going through the worst mental and emotional trauma. We took time to talk to each other, we sought counselling and we got through it. But it was hard. From the outside you would never have known. Mental trauma is fucking debilitating.

Mental trauma is fucking debilitating

yes it is

And that doesn't make OPs behaviour ok in the context of trying to conceive a baby with someone.

Nobody knows for sure whether it was a fluke but she was pregnant soon after.

Actually, they do know for sure. It was a fluke.