To ask if anyone stopped IVF after 1 cycle?

[ohbigdaddio]

Feeling pretty down at the moment! I'm almost 39, have never been pregnant and have done 1 IVF cycle which failed and have 2 frozen embryos to use. I am constantly told by friends and relatives to 'stay positive' and 'be strong' and 'it'll happen eventually'. I understand they are trying to help but it is very hard living day to day, emotions and mood up and down (mainly down!), listening to pregnancy announcements, hearing how easy it was for friends etc. Just waiting for our follow up appointment is a 5 week wait and I am constantly wishing weeks and months away to get to our next step in the process. All sounding familiar to many, I'm sure.

What I'd really like to know is has anybody had one cycle of IVF and decided, actually I can't live like this anymore – the constant hope and disappointment, all for something which may never happen?

I realise I sound sorry for myself (I am!) but I suffer from anxiety and depression and over the last few weeks have become increasing low. I have no self confidence and feel horrible about myself. I feel like a shadow of my former self and have had some dark thoughts. I think soon I will need anti-depressants and I am thinking maybe not everyone is cut out for this? Why should I put myself through years of IVF to the severe detriment of my mental health? Of course, I really want a family and have been told to expect to do 3 cycles but I have been thinking lately about stopping after trying with these 2 embryos and deciding I've put myself through enough. There must be more to life than this?

DH and I only went through 1 cycle of IVF, but this was because I had a traumatic egg collection, which revealed that I had no eggs. I was then told that I had only a 5% chance of a live birth even with IVF. And where we live they only offered 1 cycle on the NHS.

We then went through the adoption process and we now have 2 lovely DDs, who are birth sisters.

But it’s such an emotional rollercoaster. You need to be kind to yourself, OP, maybe take some time out? You don’t have to make any decisions straightaway.

I didn't want to have to face the deep regret of having not tried when I had the chance. At 39, you still have a reasonable chance of having a baby; in a few years, the odds will be significantly against you.

This was absolutely the deciding factor for me. I thought about how awful it feels to be 'baby bombed' at my age, when I still have the chance to do something about it. I just couldn't bear the prospect of being 'grandchild bombed' throughout my 50s and 60s without knowing that I really did give it my all when I had the chance.

A pp made a really valid point upthread though, that 'giving it your all' is a very elastic concept. For some couples, that is no IVF at all, for others, it is one cycle only, for others it will be a long war of attrition until reserves of either money, enthusiasm or egg reserves are exhausted.

It is ok to make whatever decision is right for you, but don't let infertility play mind games with you; make absolutely certain that it is what you want and not just 'fear' talking.

We were told to look at IVF as a course of treatment and to prepare for several rounds. It has a pretty low success rate really for each individual round.
If you have frozen embryos would you not at least use those?
We had three failed cycles and then got pregnant naturally but we were preparing to go for another cycle so I don't know when we'd have drawn a line under it.

It is rolling the dice each time. It's a bit like gambling.
It's very very tough because so much is invested in each cycle.

Oh sorry - yes you are planning to try with the frozen embryos.

If it were me I would have both transferred and then see what the outcome is of that.
Are they blasts?
One step at a time.

My husband lives and works for statistics. Long story but I had ovarian cancer and had fertility sparing surgery. I ended up not needing IVF but he did all the research and worked out that if after five rounds it didn’t work statistically it wouldn’t be worth pursuing. I am not sure if this is helpful but wishing you the best of luck if you do try again x

The guidelines suggest a minimum of 3 cycles. I believe subsequent cycles after the first has a better success rate because they have feedback from earlier cycles in order to adjust protocols, drugs, doses etc and try different techniques. The long wait for a debrief after a failed cycle feels like an eternity but I would advise considering any explanations of what would be done differently before making any final decisions as to whether to continue or not.

I miscarried, and after trying again and nothing happening we were told ‘everything was fine’ by the specialists, that neither of us had any problems but to try IVF. We did, and they recommended we stop as I only had one follicle growing. Straight away they said my changes with IVF would be the same as natural conception, less than 1% (what happened to the ‘nothing is wrong’ you told me???). They recommended egg donation, my OH was against this. We stopped everything for a year, spoke again and are now on our adoption journey, hoping to be approved in February.
I’m 42, my OH is 33.

Please don’t believe the ‘you have to be under 40’ bollocks. You don’t. You don’t HAVE to stay at home for a year (or forever). Children up for adoption are not all teenagers, in fact we are being told there are lots of babies right now, and even more 0-2 year olds. Lots of these children/babies don’t have any issues, but granted some do.
You can start the adoption process after 6 MONTHS of your last IVF cycle.
This is my experience and something I am going through right now, I have all the facts, been on the training courses and know the information.

Adoption is a relevant suggestion, I’m not sure why you’re all jumping to attack flouncy.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide, OP, there are other options but take time to regroup as a couple. This was super important for us as we’d gone through years of tests, investigations and disappointments. We were strong as a couple but needed time to just be a couple again, and then we were ready to talk about options.

Hoanuusernames, hope the adoption process goes well for you. It was the best decision we ever made, with 2 little girls. They were both 1 year old as well.

You’re welcome to message me.

Sorry, howmanyusernames, I hate these touch screen keyboards sometimes lol!!

I have two friends, both met through my long stint on the MN conception board, that gave up after one round. Friend A was entitled to one nhs round. They did that but couldn't afford any more so that was the end of the line. She has moved on. She seems happy but I haven't had a heart to heart about her life now. Friend B did one round, decided it wasn't right for her and her husband, and moved on to adoption. She has successfully adopted one baby and I understand she is now starting the process for a sibling. (I hope if A or B recognises themselves they are happy with my summary!)

Don't take any decisions right now. Ivf is a shitfest. Give yourself some time to deal with the emotions and give your hormones a chance to calm down and then figure it out.

Fwiw, I did two rounds of iui and four of ivf. I eventually got my baby after a very touch and go pregnancy. It was a very hard road and I feel for anyone going through it.

I decided against IVF because I honestly didn't think I was strong enough. I knew that I would keep going until I either got a positive test or had killed myself (and my marriage) trying. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I read a book called 'Avalanche' that really persuaded me against it.

So I don't have any experience stopping IVF but I just wanted to say that you are so strong for even putting yourself through it in the first place. I hope you find a way forward that brings you happiness

Howmanyusernames - I don't know anyone who has adopted recently whose child does not have issues. If you think you'll get them young and they won't remember - you have not listened to a thing on your training courses.

flouncy do you realise that around 25% of adoptions breakdown?

Where on earth did you get that 'fact' from?
It's nothing like as high as that.

Some adopted children do have issues, certainly. Our DD1 has Attachment Disorder, despite going straight into foster care and being placed with us aged 1. It’s not an easy road, no, and DH and I are permanently knackered.

But both our DDs have bonded with us really well and we wouldn’t be without them now. And it’s lovely to know that they’ll have each other.

I don’t know what the statistics are for adoption breakdown. It could be 25%. If you go down that road you do need to have your eyes open and not have rose tinted glasses.

If it were me I would have both transferred and then see what the outcome is of that.

Just wanted to urge you OP to get another opinion on the uterine fibroid before going ahead with a frozen cycle. If the fibroid is causing implantation problems, then you will be wasting those embryos.

I know from IVF forums and talking to friends that the advice you get from fertility specialists can be hugely variable - it's basically a crapshoot. Given the cost and trauma of IVF as a whole, it would really be worth it to research fertility doctors in your area and get another opinion on the fibroid issue, before proceeding further.

ohbigdaddio please do what is right for you. Personally, I would see this to the point at which you wish to give up. I had about six years of IVF (we already had a daughter via IUI, which is cheaper and less invasive). After 6 plus years we gave up and adopted our son.

Personally I would contact your GP and see what counselling you are eligible for on the NHS. If you can afford private, go for that too.

Personally, I think it is fine to talk about adoption if that is of interest to you. If you choose to find out more, the adoption boards on Mumsnet are an excellent place to find out more.

Mrsdraper I agree that '...adoption is not that simple. Many of the children put up for adoption nowadays have serious issues due to their difficult start in life and the support available to take care of them is seriously lacking depending on where you live.'

However, that is only half the story. I know many people who adopted and you would not know their kids were adopted, they are normal kids. Like my son.

I agree with JustHappy. It is not easy but it is an option for the future if you wish. However, " But many people still imagine there are relinquished babies in care (like in the 50s, 60s and 70s) and there are not." This is not true, there are relinquished babies but they are very very few. I do know two friends who adopted relinquished babies in the last 8 years or so.

Good luck howmanyusernames I hope all goes well.

Sashkin it may be true in your area, " In my area, you need to be both under 40, non-smokers, one SAHP (because the children available for adoption are so high need), and an ethnic match. We would have needed an extra bedroom...." But it really is not true everywhere.

In our area I adopted a three year old in my late forties. Yes, you do need to be a non-smoker and the child does need their own room. You do not need to be a stay at home parent but generally are expected to stay at home for the first year (one of you if adopting in a couple). Our adoption was final within 6 months of our son coming to live with us so no one was checking after that point but we did what we felt was right for him.

The children in care in my area vary from small babies (few) to three and four and five year olds etc. Yes "Quite a different proposition from having your own cute little newborn really."

But actually once adopted the child does become your own and certainly in my area there were not masses of profoundly disabled children or tweenagers, but mostly three to six year olds.

There really is nothing flippant about adoption, I agree but also, if you want to become a parent it is one route you can explore once other routes are not options.

OP I hope you will take others advice and really think about what it is you want, I wish you all the very best.

We did two cycles but had pre-decided that we could afford three. When the first one failed, i was in depression and it took us a while to do the next. We had 2 frozen emb. but decided to go in for a full cycle. Op, are you doing blastocysts? I thought that made the big difference between the 1st and 2nd cycle. The fertility threads have good advice.

I have a fibroid and went through ivf. I had two full cycles and a frozen cycle in between.

I did ivf in Brussels as dh and I lived there. My gynaecologist there also did my ivf procedures as he used to work in the dpt at the hospital.

On the third attempt (second full cycle) he implanted the embryos, he had previously measured exactly where my fibroid was and placed them in a different area of my womb. Idk if this was why I was successful this time around as I have a 9yo dd.

Idk if this is useful to you regarding your fibroid comment.

The ivf made me very emotional and extremely ill as well as giving me a twisted ovary. I never recovered my health and have got CFS/ME as a result. Had I not been successful, I couldn’t have continued either for health reasons.

I have a dd but I don’t have the health to enjoy her. So I do understand your decision.

I did IVF after recurrent miscarriage and had twins so I hope you'll forgive me for commenting... I just thought, I can present the "success story" and tell you that it's not all a bed of roses even if it works.
I remember realising that after 3 cycles of conventional IVF there's the option of more cycles, and then donor eggs if you're not harvesting many of your own... there's basically no endpoint so you have to decide your own endpoint, your own line in the sand. And the sort of media depiction of infertility is these women desperate for a baby, with no life outside of motherhood, this idea of an increasingly high stakes quest for the utopia of having a baby. Where in fact people do have other things in their life (that go on hold during infertility) and the longer and harder the journey, the less it seems worth it. And if you are successful after like 5 rounds or whatever? Then you're straight into pregnancy and a baby, with no time to recover mentally before you're into motherhood. Two of the biggest risk factors for PND are previous infertility and having your first baby late in life.

I found the first couple of years incredibly hard, and although 2017 Toomuch loves the kids to bits and is really happy they're here, I couldn't in all honesty counsel 2010 Toomuch to do the IVF. I was still grieving the lost pregnancies and all the pregnancy attempts and hospital visits and stuff had kind of derailed a career change I'd made after the second miscarriage. After maternity leave my DH got his job relocated and I was in no position to get a new job (not enough experience or qualifications in my new role, out of my old role for too long) and I'm now a SAHM which is OK but was never my intention. Of course that sort of thing doesn't happen to everyone but infertility is living constantly with this grief and in and out of hospital and stuff and the rest of your life gets no focus, and it can last for years. And then at the end if you're successful, there's a baby, which is a huge upheaval. It's naïve to think it's always going to be a positive thing in your life, even if it works.

I know it’s not really the popular choice but if you genuinely feel that strongly then just don’t do it.
We were offered the option of IVF some years ago but I knew instinctively that level of intrusion wasn’t for me (or DH for that matter) Fortunately we already had DS so it wasn’t an all or nothing type scenario, but I know our reluctance to go ahead caused a few raised eyebrows.

JustHappy3 I don't know true it is but I've heard about 20% of adopted kids are severally affected. 60% somewhat affected and 20% not affected. It's not necessarily the adoption but what goes before.

OP I really hope you can get some counselling help.is money an issue? Would donor eggs be an option?

JustHappy3 - I DO know people who have recently adopted and they are 1) young and 2) do not have issues. But I'm also not stupid, I have been on the training and know the possible issues all these children MIGHT have, and I also know what our social worker has told us, and I'm going to go with their information rather than yours, thanks. Each LA is different, and we know what children are available in the LA we have chosen to go with.

howmanyusernames our son has had some minor issues and we had Theraplay for them (not just play therapy but actual Theraplay.

Irononically, it is our birth daughter who causes us more issues, for now!

2 rounds of ivf . 1st failed. Devastating for us . Gave myself 6 months to gather ourselves and recover emotionally before going private. We said at the time 2nd go was it for us if it didnt work we wouldn’t do any more . It worked .Now I see others getting pregnant and yes I’ve been broody again but I’m content that we won’t have another round. It’s a difficult time but at the first go I knew I wanted a second try it felt like I didn’t or wouldn’t have tried hard enough otherwise. Hugs and I hope you feel better soon even though its hard.