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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

I'm a terrible friend...

71 replies

spinduffy · 06/08/2017 19:10

2.5 years ttc and 4 failed ivfs. At the point of giving up hope. My friend who has been ttc today told me she is pregnant. Whilst I told her I was pleased and happy for her, I started to cry and told her I need space as watching pregnancy and babies being born is too hurtful for me.

I then get a text from her husband saying I need to 'reflect on my behaviour and the impact it has had given her condition'.

I am so hurt. I was trying to be as honest and transparent with my friend and she knows how much I've been struggling. I can't believe how much this stings.

I feel so lonely and worthless. How do I cope?

Really need some hand holding

OP posts:

AndersArms · 06/08/2017 19:15

Hugs OP. I think that is a shitty text from your friend's DH. I thought you were perfect in your response - congratulatory but honest. It's msssively insensitive to focus on her feelings and not yours.

squadronleader87 · 06/08/2017 19:18

I think you did the right thing by being honest. What was the alternative - keep things bottled up and wait for it to eat away at your friendship? You've had a horrible time and it is completely understandable that your friend's news will hurt.

I think your friend's DH is out of order and tbh I'd be embarrassed if my OH was speaking for me in that way.

squadronleader87 · 06/08/2017 19:19

PS: I don't know how to make the flower symbols but I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

PurpleDaisies · 06/08/2017 19:25

I'm amazed she told you face to face. How did she think that was going to go given she knew you were struggling.

Her husband was out of order to send that text. It's a horrible position to be in and you're most certainly not alone.

Figroller · 06/08/2017 19:26

I think your response was actually really fair. It's only natural to feel this way after everything you have been through.

Unless you have been through infertility personally you just do not understand how it feels and people can be very insensitive.

Look after yourself

Snap8TheCat · 06/08/2017 19:28

TBH it's shitty to be on either side of that conversation. No one relishes being the pregnant friend having to tell the friend who is struggling to conceive.

Be kind to one another. I hope your friendship survives.

Littleelffriend · 06/08/2017 19:28

I was in the situation of your friend. I had to tell my best friend in the world that I was pregnant while she was going through ivf. I think you did great, I would much rather that my friend had cried and been honest if that's how she felt. How you feel is totally understandable too. You have done nothing wrong, I bet your friend didn't want her husband to contact you.

McTufty · 06/08/2017 19:30

"Given her condition?" What condition, being pregnant like you are desperate to be? The crass insensitivity of the man is disgusting. I think you were right to be honest with her and if she can't see how lucky she is to be pregnant and empathise with your situation you are well shot of them both I reckon.

I wish you all the best with your future TTC and am so sorry you've had such a difficult time

closephine85 · 06/08/2017 19:30

If your friend knows all that you have been through and expected to tell you in person and get any other response than the one you gave, then I'm sorry but she is the one who needs to reflect on HER behaviour and be more mindful of YOUR condition. You did nothing wrong

I've been in a similar situation where I had an epic meltdown when my friend invited me round and gave me a chocolate brownie as consolation for telling me she was pregnant with her fourth (I have secondary infertility). Literally could not stop the tears. Every time I thought I'd pulled myself together I'd start again, I wanted the ground to swallow me! I didn't actually say anything about needing space but I did give her a wide berth for most of her pregnancy and newborn stage. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first even if other simply do not 'get' it.

MadMags · 06/08/2017 19:33

Oh no.

I can see both sides, and I don't say that to make you feel bad at all! Just that maybe emotions are high on both sides.

In her shoes, I would have text you to let you process it in your own time. In yours, being completely honest, I would have just wished her well and not told her that basically, you don't want to see or hear about it.

Yes, it hurts. Of course it does! But (in the gentlest way) she's allowed to be happy and you saying what you said at that moment was bound to hurt her.

He's feeling protective of his upset wife.

All in all, I don't think any of you acted with malice!

meltingmarshmallows · 06/08/2017 19:36

So sorry you're going through this but I agree with the poster who says that both sides of this are difficult. I don't think her OH should be speaking for her, but I can see why she would be upset too. If she values your friendship the thought of having to distance herself from you at such an important time would feel understandably sad. I think her OH's text was unnecessary but her feelings are valid.

Hope you're ok

meltingmarshmallows · 06/08/2017 19:38

To touch on the title of your post though, you're not a terrible friend! She wouldn't be sad about how things went if you were. He has no right to wade in and make you feel that way, at an already difficult time.

PollytheDolly · 06/08/2017 19:40

You did nothing wrong

Mulch · 06/08/2017 19:41

Oh dear I feel for you op I could not think of anything worse than having to pretend to be thrilled for someone like that, I think you was very diplomat and your friends husband lacks empathy

cherryontopp · 06/08/2017 19:48

Have you sent a reply?

You were not being a terrible friend, if you had shouted at her etc then yes but what was wrong with asking for space?

I would send back to him saying "I have done what you said and reflected on my behaviour and I think I handled it perfectly well. I told her I was happy for her but needed space as I've been through a lot. I'm sorry if this has upset her but that wasn't my intention. And also if my friend is upset as a grown woman she can text me herself rather than other people getting involved"

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 06/08/2017 19:54

I've been where you're at she should have made the announcement by text or emailed instead in order to give to give you a moment. That would have been the considerate way because it is difficult for you.

greendale17 · 06/08/2017 19:59

Your friend is obviously upset at your reaction which is why her husband has texted you. He is, understandably, very protective of his pregnant wife.

I can see it from both sides.

ems137 · 06/08/2017 20:02

I've been on both sides of this at different points in my life and I 100% think you handled it perfectly.

Sometimes people just don't understand how utterly heartbreaking it is when you are struggling to conceive. The closer people were to me, the harder I found it but I ALWAYS congratulated them and genuinely meant it. It didn't mean that I didn't go home and have a good cry at the unfairness though.

You were being a great friend by congratulating her but also being honest by explaining how you might need a bit of space.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 06/08/2017 20:04

He's a dick

Lofari · 06/08/2017 20:09

What a wanker he is!!!! You handled that perfectly in my opinion. You were pleased for her but also honest about how it made you feel.
I've been where you are. Except my sister got my mum to tell me she was pregnant and I did not take it well x

Aria2015 · 06/08/2017 20:11

I think that's shows very little compassion on your friend and her husbands part. I've not been in the same boat as you but I did have multiple miscarriages before having my rainbow baby and I know how painful it is to be in that 'will it ever happen for me?' Head space. It's immensely painful when someone close to you gets pregnant, deep down you are happy for them but it's also such a painful reminder of what you're yearning for.

I was lucky, when someone close to me became pregnant they had the foresight to ring me rather than tell me face to face. I managed to keep in together just long enough to say congratulations and then shed my tears when I put the phone down otherwise I would have been the same as you.

I think it's great you were so honest with your friend, that's what friendships are for. I don't think she's acted like a great friend in her response to you though which is a shame and I can see why it stings so much.

All I would say, it's nearly impossible for people to really 'get' how hard infertility / loss is if it's never happened to them. Your friend and her dh obviously don't 'get it' and it's for you decide how a good a friend she is as to how you want to proceed. If she's a good friend then maybe try and talk more and see if you can resolve things. But in no way feel bad about being honest about how you feel. You did the right thing, it's your friend and her dh who have handled the situation badly.

Big hug and wishing all the best for the future.

AgainPlease · 06/08/2017 20:11

I don't think your friend, and certainly not her DH, have actually grasped how unbelievably painful, soul-destroying, life-crushing and all-consuming infertility actually is. I've had 4 rounds of IVF, spent shit loads of money, put my life (social life and work life) on hold, and almost ruined my marriage because of "unexplained" infertility.

Your friends DH was wrong to send such an insensitive text. He has no bloody idea that for you it is 100x worse not being pregnant than his wife telling her 'infertile' friend that she is.

I'm trying to see it from both sides as I'm pregnant now but I just can't... I would have called or texted my friend to give her time to process what's happening and meeting up at a later date.

for you.

cherryontopp · 06/08/2017 20:12

"I can see both sides"

If the OP was incredibly vicious, loud, aggressive, stated that she couldn't never be friends with her again or threatened to kidnap her baby then yes I could understand the husband protecting his pregnant wife.
Meanwhile in reality, the OP said she's happy but needed space as the sight of pregnant women and babies were hurtful. The OPs friend got upset by this probably pregnancy hormones then that's unfortunate but it's not going to cause such a detrimental effect to his wife or their unborn child in where he would need to 'protect' his wife by interfering and upsetting the OP - who he'll know by his wife's admission- has been through a hard time.

He had NO place in texting the OP. It is between her and her friend

SuperPug · 06/08/2017 20:14

I think the text above is perfect. You didn't scream down the phone at her or anything like that. You were understandably upset.

VimFuego101 · 06/08/2017 20:14

I think cherry's text is perfect. At best, he was utterly thoughtless. You handled it as best you could.

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