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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

I'm a terrible friend...

71 replies

spinduffy · 06/08/2017 19:10

2.5 years ttc and 4 failed ivfs. At the point of giving up hope. My friend who has been ttc today told me she is pregnant. Whilst I told her I was pleased and happy for her, I started to cry and told her I need space as watching pregnancy and babies being born is too hurtful for me.

I then get a text from her husband saying I need to 'reflect on my behaviour and the impact it has had given her condition'.

I am so hurt. I was trying to be as honest and transparent with my friend and she knows how much I've been struggling. I can't believe how much this stings.

I feel so lonely and worthless. How do I cope?

Really need some hand holding

OP posts:

Polly99 · 06/08/2017 20:15

"He's a dick". Seconded.

One of my friends told me she was pregnant a few weeks after my second ectopic. She'd found out the day I had my tube removed. I cried and cried, and then apologised but asked her to keep the baby stuff to a minimum around me. I was happy for her but just so sad for me. She was a good friend so understood and presumably so did her husband since he didn't feel the need to lay on the guilt, and in time I found it easier to be supportive of her.

Original poster

spinduffy · 06/08/2017 20:24

Thank you for all your comments. I've felt terrible all day.

I've spent so much emotionally and financially and also like againplease have found our marriage pushed to its limits. Of all my friends this was the only childless one, apart from me and now it's me only. It feels like a bereavement and for some reason her news really made me face the reality that we are probably close to the end of our journey trying, as we can't kept going and putting our life on hold.

I have distanced myself from my other friends who are all mums as they don't get how utterly painful and all consuming infertility is. Plus I can't face anymore 'relax and it will be fine' comments. i guess it's that painful time of realising that friendships change.

Thank you for all your support x

OP posts:

MargaretCavendish · 06/08/2017 20:32

He is, understandably, very protective of his pregnant wife.

This kind of comment suggesting that she needs extra nice treatment because she's pregnant seem really knife-twisting in a way I can't articulate. The reality is that the world and their wife are falling over themselves to make a special fuss of pregnant women - if she needs support there are a lot of more appropriate places to get it from than a friend struggling with infertility.

I'm so sorry for your struggles and the way you feel right now, OP. I think I probably wouldn't reply at all - it's tempting but I think it's better in the long run to keep a dignified silence - and just keep your distance for as long as you need to. Be really kind to yourself.

BumWad · 06/08/2017 20:35

Your friends husband is a knob.

I don't think you behaved badly at all.

MadMags · 06/08/2017 20:35

The thing is, if friend is a good friend she was probably worrying about telling you and who knows? Maybe they couldn't "enjoy" their news without friend being upset/stressed about OP. Not OP's fault, obviously!

So the she tells her, and OP understandably wants space but now, instead of being able to openly enjoy the pregnancy, is upset that she's upset her friend and lost her to boot!

As I said, I'm not saying he was reasonable, I'm just saying that hopefully nobody here meant any malice.

It's just a sad, awful situation really.

whyareusernamessodifficult · 06/08/2017 20:39

As someone who has been in a situation similar to your friend's side of this - her husband was being a complete and utter dick.

GuntyMcGee · 06/08/2017 20:40

Oh OP, you handled it beautifully.
How else were you to react?

She was insensitive in telling you face to face - a phonecall and a little empathy to your situation would have been more appropriate.

The DH needs to wind his sodding neck in.
When I'm informed of new pregnancies it hurts like hell and I usually need time to sulk and cry; my DH feels angry and goes quiet. In 10 years of TTC it doesn't get any easier. We've seen all of our friends and most of family around our age have not only their first, but also their second and third babies and all we've had is a big bill, heartache, failed treatments and miscarriage. If anyone in my life couldn't understand how painful that is, I don't want them in my life.

As for 'her condition' - I hate this, it's bullshit. She's gestating a fetus. It's exhausting, yes, but come on! You are still allowed to continue life as normal. Being pregnant doesn't make you special IMO and doesn't give you an excuse to be a selfish cow and forget anyone else's feelings or tribulations.

Im sorry you're going through this OP, it's so painful.
Personally I'd be sending the DH a txt telling him he has no idea what you've been through or how you feel and to butt out. I'd then be inclined to txt said 'friend' and say that you understand it must have been hard to tell you and that it was brave of her, but she also needs to understand that you're upset too. Not at her, but at the situation you're in and unfortunately, the flip side of your joy for her is sadness for yourself and will be that way for anyone who is pregnant. It's nothing personal and you don't wish her ill, you just need time to adjust to the new reality.

There's no harm in distancing yourself, I've had to do it for all of my friend and family's pregnancies because it's too painful. After years of heartbreak I've discovered that I have to look after myself and to do that I have to avoid.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/08/2017 20:41

You haven't been unreasonable. Neither has your friend, she's probably gone home feeling upset that you're upset and her husband has reacted like a complete twat.

You're not a shit friend. You were the best friend you could have been in that you were upfront with her that because of your own fertility struggles, whilst you are happy for her, need a bit of space. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

I really feel for you and also your friend, I imagine she didn't ask him to send that text or indeed even imagine he would do such a thing.

PurpleDaisies · 06/08/2017 20:41

As I said, I'm not saying he was reasonable, I'm just saying that hopefully nobody here meant any malice.

The husband's text sounds pretty nasty to me.

SuperPug · 06/08/2017 20:44

MargaretCavendish, I think that's spot on.

McTufty · 06/08/2017 20:55

@purpledaisies

I agree. Texting someone struggling with the pain of infertility telling them they should have been more considerate of someone's "condition", I just cannot believe how vile that is. If he was trying to twist the knife he couldn't have done a much better job.

Anyone who thinks the pregnant person is the one who requires the extra sensitivity in this situation rather than the person going through infertility is missing the empathy gene. I agree if OP had been nasty it would be different but she wasn't.

MadMags · 06/08/2017 20:59

I don't think the pregnant friend deserves extra sensitivity! But she wasn't the one who sent the twatty text.

tigerdog · 06/08/2017 20:59

I think that text is so utterly unreasonable and self-absorbed! They are concerned about you taking the shine off of their happy moment, but give no consideration to what it must be like for you to have to hear that news, or what it must be like to long for a baby and have repeated medical treatment that doesn't work. How horrible and hurtful of him to send that too, the implication that once someone is pregnant, their feelings become somehow more important than yours makes my blood boil on your behalf.

I'm so sorry that you're going through the pain of infertility and failed IVF, you really don't deserve friends like that. I know how isolating it can be - I'm 4.5 years in and have had two rounds of IVF, three transfers and three miscarriages. Protect and look after yourself, and don't feel bad about needing space. It is so raw when you find out someone else is pregnant when going through infertility and it takes time to process it and move through the grief you feel for your own emptiness.

I would be texting the DH and telling him that his message was very unkind and insensitive. I'd also be texting the 'friend' and say that once again, whilst you are delighted for her, the grief and loss you feel as a result of your own circumstances mean that you need space. It's nothing personal but you would have hoped for her support. I'd be very disappointed in her as a friend if she had in any way put her DH up to sending that text. You are not a shit friend. Whilst it's important to celebrate the good times with friends, it is so much more important to be there when times are tough. If she can't do that for you, then she isn't much of a friend at all.

Massive hugs.

McTufty · 06/08/2017 21:01

@madmags

I meant the husband and what he said in his text, not you!

MadMags · 06/08/2017 21:04

Ah, I get you now!

I actually think if you do respond, OP, it should be to your friend. I'd leave him well out of any communication.

I'm really hoping she didn't know he sent it...

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 06/08/2017 23:02

He is a total dick!!! He sent a very thoughtless stupid text. He should have listened to his wife and let her talk things through with you if needed.

I'd text his wife with 'Tom sent me this text earlier ''you need to reflect on your behaviour given my wife's condition''.

Mumof56 · 06/08/2017 23:08

Her husband is bang out of order. Having struggled to get pregnant themselves they should understand how you feel. Even if they didn't, you handled it well and with honesty.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 06/08/2017 23:09

The grief of infertility is so heavy. The husband is clearly self absorbed!!

EarlGreyT · 06/08/2017 23:14

Sorry you've had a shitty day. I just wanted to reiterate what others have said already: you're not a terrible friend and he's an arse.

You could go for the passive aggressive approach and just send him a one word reply saying "likewise". Or if you don't think he'd understand that, send him a reply saying "he needs to reflect on his behaviour and the impact it has given your condition".

Sorry you're going through this. I don't think there is an easy way to cope unfortunately and my way of trying to do so was to do exactly as you are and distance myself from pregnancy friends and newborn babies, but it still bloody hurts.

KimchiLaLa · 07/08/2017 00:06

Jesus fucking Christ, I can't imagine my DH ever sending that sort of text or even getting involved. And sorry but "her condition"?! She's not ill!

Original poster

spinduffy · 07/08/2017 07:27

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I've hit a wall and am really struggling. I feel like I'm under a black cloud and have become so isolated by being the 'infertile' one. The remark about her 'condition' is what really stung as I always feel like those who can get pregnant are 'special' and those of us who can't are irrelevant. I guess my whole self esteem and confidence has taken an absolute bartering and I'm at a very low point, so yesterday simply was the icing on the cake.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to be anywhere near the person I once was and feel like I've truly lost myself. Nothing really helps the pain, but hopefully time will x

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 07/08/2017 07:35

Am sorry you're going through this. recommend counselling: it really helped me when low and anxious.

Other peoples pregnancies have no bearing on your situation or whether or not you're near the "end of the line" with respect to ttc.

As PPs have said, your response to your friend was polite and natural, and the H's text - and his implied assumptions about pregnancy etc - was awful. Cherry's reply is good IMO.

That said, it sounds like you implied to your friend that you might no longer spend time with her, which while understandable is bound to have been upsetting.

Original poster

spinduffy · 07/08/2017 07:48

I've had counselling and it's not really made a huge difference.

This friend knows that I've coped with things by distancing myself and I always talked very openly to her about that. I have only seen my niece thrice in a year as I find it so painful and every time I've seen her I've ended up in tears, so my friend would have known this would be the case and she often told me that I needed to do what I needed to do to protect myself.

I guess when people suddenly get to where they want to be their ability to empathise with the infertility situation gets lost in the process.

OP posts:

BiggerBoatNeeded · 07/08/2017 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretCavendish · 07/08/2017 09:15

I guess when people suddenly get to where they want to be their ability to empathise with the infertility situation gets lost in the process.

I'm sure it is far from universal, but this does seem to happen sometimes. I know someone who had years of fertility treatment with very little hope, and then had a 'miracle baby'. She went mad when her infertile SIL wanted to go away for the baby's first Christmas because 'she was denying the baby a first Christmas with her uncle'. I still can't quite work out how she can have so completely forgotten how she once felt.

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