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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

I'm a terrible friend...

71 replies

spinduffy · 06/08/2017 19:10

2.5 years ttc and 4 failed ivfs. At the point of giving up hope. My friend who has been ttc today told me she is pregnant. Whilst I told her I was pleased and happy for her, I started to cry and told her I need space as watching pregnancy and babies being born is too hurtful for me.

I then get a text from her husband saying I need to 'reflect on my behaviour and the impact it has had given her condition'.

I am so hurt. I was trying to be as honest and transparent with my friend and she knows how much I've been struggling. I can't believe how much this stings.

I feel so lonely and worthless. How do I cope?

Really need some hand holding

OP posts:

TipsNotHacks · 07/08/2017 12:21

Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said. I must say, I think you've been very restrained after receiving that text.

I recently joined the "multiple failures" thread that BiggerBoat just mentioned. It is one of the only things I have found to be relatable in my entire 4 years TTC. It doesn't magically cure my infertility but the opportunity to feel less alone is certainly helpful. And you are not alone. And you are NOT a shit friend.

blue2014 · 07/08/2017 16:54

Her husband can get to fuck!

I would text your friend and say "I got this message from your husband earlier, he's a dick and might want to reflect on his behaviour"

Absolute twat.

You are NOT a bad friend (I also avoided all pregnant friends except the one who would openly say "I'm really sorry, it's ok if you hate me for a while" I didn't hate her but it was nice to know she could understand the pain.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 07/08/2017 16:57

Urghhhh pregnancy is not a fucking condition , she is not a delicate flower or has a medical condition- she is a normal pregnant woman , that's all ! Jeez her dh is so out of order ! I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles but she could have been sensitive . Her dh is a twat for texting you .

GiGiraffe · 07/08/2017 17:18

I think your friend was trying to be sensitive to you telling you face to face, there is no good way to hear that news.

I think her husband sounds like a dick. Not sure of the context but sounds like he is in over protective mode and when she told him how you reacted he went off on one.

Hope your friendship is salvageable and sorry you are having such a tough time

imablackstarnotapopstar · 07/08/2017 17:26

I see both sides too and your friend must have gone home desperately upset and it's not nice to feel guilty for being pregnant. You couldn't help your reaction either as it must be very painful. I think things will settle down - meanwhile take good care of yourself 💐

bluebird3 · 07/08/2017 17:48

You didn't do anything wrong OP. Nobody who hasn't been through infertility 'gets it'. It then when you try and tell them how you feel, you're suddenly made out to be the shrew. It's soul destroying and I don't really give a crap if trying to ask for a bit of space takes the shine off their pregnancy. The comment about her 'condition' was disgusting. To think that your feelings don't matter as much as hers because she is pregnant is awful. Of course she has a right to feel upset/disappointed but also she was fully aware of how difficult you would find it and that you'd need to take a step back for awhile. I've been ttc for 2.5 years with 2 failed ivfs and during my 2nd -which was a mc my sister told me she's pregnant (first month trying). Nobody knows how painful this is.

EarlGreyT · 07/08/2017 18:58

I agree with you bluebird.

The comment is disgusting. Her husband is ridiculous-her "condition" is something she wanted, so I don't see why you have to be extra sensitive around her.

If she felt bad because you quite understandably weren't overjoyed to hear her news, maybe they should reflect a bit on how you must be feeling given your "condition" and the fact that you haven't been able to get to where she is despite several years of trying. They're the ones who need to be more sensitive.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 07/08/2017 19:54

I think that the friends husbands response highlights their lack of insight into long term infertility and assisted conception. If she had any real understanding she would have given you a big hug when teary and been a bit more compassionate at home. Of course you're happy for her but the pain you have is immeasurable and a overwhelming. Common sense would have meant her texting or emailing the announcement to give you time to adjust and pull yourself together.

number1wang · 07/08/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsC2000 · 07/08/2017 20:13

I've been on both sides of this but I think you handled it really well. She's a grown woman and I don't think her husband had any right to text you like he did. Take care of yourself OP x

Yellowmaiden · 07/08/2017 20:20

I think it's a bit ridiculous to excuse behaviour like this by saying "people who have never been thru infertility just don't 'get' it". Yeah, so?! Are you a human or a rock? Can you not think about someone else's feelings for a second? When I fell pregnant with my first I was very aware that not everyone is so fortunate and that not everyone would want to see and hear all about my pregnancy/baby. I would never have dreamed of sending a text like that because you know what? I'm not a MASSIVE DICK. OP I'm so sorry you got kicked while you're down. My sister is going thru the same thing, I recently had to tell her I'm pregnant again (after 2 years trying and mc) and I've cried because I'm so sad it's not happening for her. I would have excused any reaction because I know that she is a normal person with normal feelings. TBH i think your reaction was exactly right, I think a real friend would have appreciated it actually. (I also like cherrypop's reply - perfect).

seven201 · 07/08/2017 20:21

I think you should message the husband back with more or less what you've written in your 7.07 post. He's a twat, sorry he's ruined your day even more

seven201 · 07/08/2017 20:22

Meant 7.27

NoParticularPattern · 07/08/2017 20:31

I guess when people suddenly get to where they want to be their ability to empathise with the infertility situation gets lost in the process.

This. I had several losses last year and it was absolutely shit. Not helped by my SIL suddenly becoming the only pregnant woman on the planet. She had years of tests, treatments and losses before conceiving her little boy but the moment she did, it was like she forgot all that and how painful it was to be around pregnant women and babies. Everyone knew her story, everyone knew ours. But everyone managed to forget all of that just because she fell pregnant.

It was unbelievably shit and it hurt so bloody much, but we weren't allowed to say anything as we would have also been branded "insensitive" or "unhelpful". People are crap, even people who have been there. However humans in general are pretty awesome- I found some people who I wouldn't necessarily have called friends reaching out to me. It was a really crap time and it's still hard, but sometimes people (even just ones online!) make it all a little bi better.

Lots of love OP, not all people are as shit as your friend's husband.

Original poster

spinduffy · 08/08/2017 07:30

I suspect that to anyone who hasn't been through ivf will think I'm just selfish and jealous and not a good friend, whereas those who have been there understand the pain associated.
I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and kind worlds x

OP posts:

BiggerBoatNeeded · 08/08/2017 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livefornaps · 08/08/2017 08:36

Lots of support here for you & you sound just lovely.

She had the slightest shred of empathy & just given you a hug. Anyone with a bit of emotional intelligence would know that it's not that you're not pleased, it's just that the news cuts both ways.

Her husband was a shortsighted twat in sending you that text. His wife doesn't "need protecting" from anything ....! Furious for you. What a DICK.

Be kind to yourself

Ilikesweetpeas · 08/08/2017 08:39

I've been in your situation OP and that's a horrible text to receive. They have no empathy with you at all. Sending . Do you have any support in RL? I'm wondering if they can help you reply to your friend about how hurtful her husband is being to you. I always wanted people to understand when I has going through IVF and disappointments but sadly they just don't.

CruCru · 08/08/2017 10:07

OP, I think this is a time when you need to be kind to yourself. I've been in both your and your friend's position. It would have been kinder if she'd sent you a text so that you had time to arrange your face before you saw her.

The point of friends is to make you feel good about yourself. This friend (and her husband) aren't making you feel good about yourself. Only you can know whether you want to keep this friendship going.

I'd be tempted to send her a text along the lines of "It was so good to see you and I'm very happy for you. The IVF has rather taken its toll on me. I think that given my situation, and the text your husband sent me, it would be kinder if we gave each other some space for a while".

However, only you know whether that would work for you and this friendship,

Weedance · 12/08/2017 22:00

Her husband is an arsehole. I really hope she hasn't colluded in the sending of such a text and if so, they deserve each other. Protect her from what? Her vulnerable, heartbroken friend who has bravely been honest and open about her pain? What an utter halfwit he is. I can't believe anyone could be so insensitive, especially having experienced it for themselves.
for you OP. I hope you can move forward in the knowledge that you've done nothing wrong. You don't have to answer to anyone, take as much space as you need from whomever or whatever. People will just have to accept it. Look after yourself x

Isthismummy · 13/08/2017 09:24

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus telling you that you are in no way BU op.

Your friend should have shown more empathy than to tell you face to face. What was she expecting you to do? Get out the helium balloons and big book of baby names? The fact that she has then clearly gone to her DH to moan about your 'unacceptable' behaviour would fuck me off no end.

The text he sent you was in insufferable. In fact they both sound like insufferable, precious, self obsessed twats of the highest order.

for you. I am so sorry you've had to deal with such unkindness at such a vulnearable time.

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