Babies in the waiting area...

[meadowlark3]

What do you think about babies in the waiting area of your clinic? A couple came to our clinic and brought their small toddler (perhaps 18 months) and the baby played and babbled in the main waiting area. It seemed to make lots of other patients quite uncomfortable.

It surprised me to see a small child running about and wondering what others think.

xx

(posted too soon)

and can throw around any kind of bullshit you like...that is fucking mind-blowing, imo!!

Well said BiggerBoatNeeded The lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

I really can't understand all the mothers arguing on here. Don't you know how lucky you are? Really stand back from this, look at you child and imagine they never existed because this hadn't worked out for you. Now you see how your need be right suddenly isn't that important? Let it go.

Yes there may be times when you can't get childcare but seriously all you needed to say was "I'm really sorry, I tried my best not to bring my child but I really had no alternative - I'm so sorry and I understand how heartbreaking that must be for you". That's really all people needed. You really don't have to start ripping into people who are struggling enough as it is. This isn't AiBU, this is the infertility board which in itself should be a safe haven.

Please please stop complaining about how hard being a mother is on the infertility boards. It isn't and never will be as hard as being barren (and I say this as one of the barrens who got lucky and 'won' her baby)

(Big up to any barren army on here)

I posted early in this thread and have just caught up on how it has developed and I'm not at all surprised.
I am going abroad for ivf to try for no.2 and we will need to take our toddler as we will be away for 9 days. I wouldn't dream of leaving her for this long with anyone other than my husband, I physically couldn't do it, she is too young and very clingy and would be highly distressed especially at bed-time without us (we have never had a night away from her). However, I will never ever forget the absolute devastation, desperation and emptiness that infertility the first time round caused me. That feeling never leaves. So we plan to linger in the corridor with our toddler for the appointments where we both have to be present, and my husband will wait outside with her when he doesn't need to be present. This is despite the fact I am paying the same as everyone else and will be incrediblty nervous undergoing procedures in a foreign country. I'm really not sure what else I can do, and hope that I do not cause any ladies upset if they happen to glimpse our toddler. I asked our clinic if our toddler could come and the clinic response was 'Absolutely!', so I do feel the clinics need to realise the pain this causes people and have 2 separate waiting rooms. Although thinking back to my experience of infertility first time round, I think I would find the concept of having 2 waiting room doors signed appropriately for children/no children actually worse than the alternative.
The situation would be very different if I were having my cycle in this country. I wouldn't dream of taking my toddler to appointments. But she is in full-time nursery so childcare is not a problem for us. If I didn't work full-time our closest family are 300 miles away and all our local friends work so I would not feel I could ask them. I have never heard of ad-hoc child-care that is available for a few hours/half a day, but perhaps because I have never needed it. I would never ever leave my child with someone she didn't know.

Yes we're (in relative terms) the lucky ones. But secondary infertility - conception, treatment (eg for asherman's syndrome caused by a C section, or blood conditions putting women at high risk of miscarriage or stillbirth), miscarriage(s) - can be quite shit. As can infertility for couples where one partner has DC from a previous relationship.

A factor in mental health aspects of secondary infertility can be guilt about being upset over the infertility when having a healthy DC. I beat myself up for having depression over recurrent miscarriages when I had won the lottery with DC1, reinforced by things people said in RL.

Empathy from all sides of debate is good.

Empathy and understanding on both sides is needed, I agree! I don't see anyone commenting on this thread about how they couldn't wait to take their child to the clinic with them for all their appointments and couldn't understand how anyone might find that difficult. The vast majority of people who have had successful fertility treatment still feel hugely guilty that they were one of the lucky ones and are only too aware how difficult people might find the situation, having been there themselves. But until fertility clinics provide crèches, this will continue to be an issue, albeit one that most will deal with as sensitively as they can.

I completely understand why you feel annoyed. We took a long time to have DD and went through many losses and I was always upset to see children in the waiting room when I was having scans to see if my baby had died. With DS we had a scare and had to go to EPU. I wanted the support from my husband but didn't want to upset others as we had DD with us and no one to look after her. So I made DH sit in the gynae waiting room and rang him when it was our turn for a scan.

I'm surprised that others don't think about this in these place but maybe they really have no choice.

That assumes you have a partner to go with you to every appointment. If your partner works away/you're single/can't get time off work then that's not an option. I don't believe that many people wouldn't use that option if it were available to them, most people are not that crass.

blue2014

I totally agree that some of the comments on here are breathtakingly insensitive. As a mother I 100% know how lucky I am.

I think one of the reasons it's very sadly descended into argument is that some people are refusing to hear other peoples' perfectly reasonable points of view. The OP was phrased as a WYOO and most people are answering as such, giving their experiences. I said that I totally empathise and sympathise with childless people who find children in waiting rooms painful. I explained that on all but one occasion, out of about 25 occasions, I have managed to avoid taking my DD to the clinic but on one isolated occasion I had to take her, and it was unavoidable. It does then feel unfair and unjust to have people tell you that you're totally out of order and that you must have both the available funds and unlimited access to childcare to prevent this from happening. It's simply not true, feels like an attack and brings out defensive responses.

I think people can appreciate that sometimes there is literally no other option than bringing a child along however in my experience, whether it's been the waiting area at the consultant's office or the clinic where I go for egg collection, the child is always there with two people and that's what I find galling. v often I've seen a child waiting in the area right next to where all the procedures are carried out with a grandparent etc - cannot believe the insensitivity

The lack of sympathy and empathy on this board by parents who once upon a time experienced infertility is depressing

"Lucky" we may be, but that is absolutely NO reason for those who are in the same boat we were once in to level abuse at us and state that those of us who can't afford babysitters shouldn't be using facilities where "barren women" are, and shouldn't be paying for assitance to concieve in the first place.

As lots have tried to say there is a massive difference to "I had no other choice and actually it's pretty awkward and I'm waiting in the corridor or quietly in the corner" to bringing a child when both of you are there/grandparents and allowing said child to cause lots of noise and chaos.

But we are "lucky". Yes it sucks that we have to have more treatment and to find childcare when we undergo these procedures to have a second child but we got our baby and we mustn't forget that there are no guarantees for the ladies here that that will be their story too. So no, reading everything I don't expect that that it's unreasonable for us to show some tact and sensitivity.

I've never been to an infertility clinic however I was once in a scan waiting room myself included, one of us was awaiting a scan prior to an abortion, one was finding out their babies gender at 20 weeks and one had just found out their baby had no heartbeat.
I was so disgusted, I couldn't believe that we were all lumped together and found it really difficult. Unfortunately, provisions can't always be made where they are always needed.
I fully sympathise with those who are upset by children in the waiting room but I can also understand why this topic has made people so defensive.

Can we have a bit of peace, love and support please?

Getting childcare for a one-off appointment isn't a question of resources, it's a question of availability. Unless you are happy to leave your toddler with a complete stranger from a nanny agency at huge cost (even then you may struggle), you may not actually have any options whatsoever.

As for primary vs secondary infertility, I've had trouble both sides of the coin and I actually found it harder emotionally trying to conceive child no2, precisely because you are deep in baby world and can't escape the round of second babies no matter how hard you try.

Your last paragraph is an absolute joke Zoe. Poor you.

I get that it's an emotional time and place for those struggling with fertility. However it's a waiting room. Kids should not be excluded.

It took us 6 years to conceive DD1. I left my job so I could make the fertility appointments (was impossible to juggle). I really thought we wouldn't conceive. When others announced their pregnancies/I saw pregnant ladies at hospital when I was waiting for appohntments I was genuinely happy for them. I was glad they weren't having to go through the shit we were. Everyone has their own struggles in their life - why not be happy for others that aren't currently struggling with the things you are?

Infertility is absolutely the most horrible thing I have experienced. I spent a decade ttc, multiple rounds of IUI and ICSI, numerous miscarriages. I remember the sight of pregnant women or mums with their babies was so distressing

for all of you going through it.

However, after 8 years of fertility treatment and miscarrages I did finally have DD. I went on to have more ICSI to try to have another, and I did take DD to a couple of appointments. Appointments were only given a day or so in advance so childcare was out of the question, but i was very aware that her being there could cause distress and I was so glad to see the waiting room was quiet

I did want the staff to see her though, I wanted them to see what they had given me, and to thank them

In all the years I attended the clinic I only saw children there on a couple of occasions, and tbh it actually gave me hope. One family I saw were friends of mine and I knew for sure he was conceived by IVF and they were there to try again. I would assume most children at IVF clinics are likely to be IVF babies.

2 experiences to share.

The first one was going to my IVF appointment with an 8 month pregnant consultant. I don't think I heard a word she said. Not saying she shouldn't have been at work, but just acknowledging that that circumstance was very difficult.

The second was going to a miscarriage memorial church service to support my friend. (Though I am infertile I've never had a miscarriage). I sat there with her and cried as she rang her bell for the children she lost. And seethed with rage that some people thought it was appropriate to bring their other babies with them. I'm sorry, but that was cruel. Surely they could have realised that you don't take babies to a baby loss service?

The worse I witnessed in a fertility clinic waiting room was the loud mum who came in with her two children who proceeded to start talking to the quite clearly distressed women next to her "so is your first time?" while her kids started squabbling over magazines on the coffee table. She then started talking about her family not being 'complete' without a third and so on. It was an astonishing display of crass insensitivity. Unfortunately for us it seemed her appointments conincided with ours so we saw her ask the same questions to other poor couples. One chap who had heard enough of her trying to ask his wife what was 'wrong' with her bluntly told her 'are you so lacking in self awareness that you can't see nobody in here wants to hear your fucking stories about your kids or chat to you about their gynaecological health, open your fucking eyes as to where you are'. He shut up

*she

It's good that @differentnameforthis and @zoemaguire have deigned to bowl in and get annoyed that infertile couples would DARE to feel like abject shit about having their noses rubbed in other people's fortune. Childless women of course they wouldn't get it because they aren't mothers are they.

Yet again - if you're infertile, you aren't shit. Even in the private fertility treatment clinic, the needs of the feted mother trumps those of the barren old crones.

And absolute LOL at secondary infertility being harder because you're in baby-zone and can't escape it - oh fuck me, my heart bleeds.

There have been plenty of examples of childcare options - both parents attending and keeping the child out the centre, grandparents, friends, relatives - fuck, hire an agency babysitter to wait in the next corridor with the child if needs be. Or register with reception and then walk down the hall to another area, explaining what you're doing to the receptionist and why. They will get it.

Anything but "fuck it, its nicer to have a sit down and let the little one have a run around in the waiting room, as they'll get bored in the consulting room, so let them move around and let off steam now".

Why is this different from a dentists or a tube or a supermarket?! Talk about making life hard for yourself..... someone else's baby doesn't take from your struggle or reduce your chances.

OP here. I am quite surprised and disappointed by some of the attitudes expressed here.

My original query was directed at those who are currently seeking infertility treatment. Whilst I understand that there are certainly cases in which childcare is difficult to obtain, and it must be thrilling to bring your child for a visit to the staff that created him/her (we all would love the same thing!) I don't believe that anyone who expressed discomfort with children in the WR of the fertility clinic is being insensitive to the needs of parents.

In our case, the parents both seemed callous and insensitive, completely ignoring the quite visible reactions of women stiffening and looking away from their toddler, and perhaps that is an issue simply of their rudeness and doubly unfortunate to have it play out in the waiting room of the infertility clinic. Especially in ours, where there was an outer waiting area and mum and dad could both wait there and give the other mums a bit of privacy.

I do find it quite rubbish of members to pop on to this thread in the infertility section and berate women who've never become mums for being selfish or inconsiderate. Strikes me as quite cruel and unfortunate. It also seems that, given the strength of responses here, I would hope that the gals with kids would be a bit more empathetic and understanding of those of us who so very much want to have children but can't (so far). Feels like quite a stab in the back and so very ugly.