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Original poster

Insensitive Christmas present

111 replies

Biscuitsforbribes · 05/12/2015 22:34

Hi, I think I just need to vent/get a kick up the bum really!

Tonight I've been at a really lovely Christmas meal with a best friends since childhood. They're aware that were trying and failing to conceive and that we will be starting treatment in January.

My best friend brought us all a gift to open together. It was a baby grow with "I ❤️ my auntie" on it and a little card asking us to look after them until her little one arrives in the summer. She is twelve weeks pregnant.

I feel like I've been hit with a tonne of bricks and I feel SO selfish and awful for feeling like this! It's never been mentioned that they've been trying ( conceived naturally on their first attempt). I'm absolutely over the moon for her but a part of me is absolutely devastated for myself.

I just feel like it was an insensitive thing to do to me in such a public place, knowing how desperate I am for a family and everything we've gone through. I'm being selfish and childish aren't I?

I could never tell her how I feel as I'm so happy for her and don't want to rain on her parade! It's their first baby and she's absolutely glowing.

How do I get over myself, and quickly?

Thanks

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 09/12/2015 21:53

What a cunt.

lunar1 · 09/12/2015 22:02

The reason nobody will ask about her pregnancy is because she is a cunt and nobody likes her.

IHazANewName · 09/12/2015 22:04

What Waltermittythesequel said! Your friend is a massive cunt. I know it's not much consolation now.

I also feel sad for you, you seem like a lovely person and don't deserve this. As others have said, it's hard to lose a friend but you definitely don't need her negativity in your life right now.

Be kind to yourself x FlowersCake

mmmminx · 09/12/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellyrub1980 · 09/12/2015 22:10

Insensitivity aside.... How is that even a present for you? "Here's an outfit, for you, for my unborn child" Weird.

badg3r · 09/12/2015 22:15

Wow. So she's basically said she hopes you never have a baby cos your mutual friends will like yours better, right? Given that you seem about 1000000000 times nicer than your friend I can kind of see where your mutual friends are coming from. The fact that she actually voiced those opinions is very creepy.

Good luck with the ivf and if anyone asks why you haven't seen her I wouldn't worry too much about protecting her.

LyndaNotLinda · 09/12/2015 22:22

Bloody hell - how awful to discover that your closest friend is actually a total snake in the grass. Actually, forget that, that's unkind to snakes. She's an utter cunt.

I'm so sorry - you must be absolutely reeling. But I'm glad you found out now because you seriously don't want someone like that in your life when you're going through fertility treatment. So consider it a lucky escape.

I fell out spectacularly with a very close friend when I had a late miscarriage - she asked me if I was looking forward to Christmas and I said not really as I'd been envisaging it being the first Xmas with my new baby. She said 'oh, I thought you would have been over it by now'. I walked out and haven't seen her since (she did send an email asking if I was upset because she had a child and I didn't Hmm ) but other than that, we've had no contact for 10 years. And you know what? I don't miss her. Because I realised that actually part of her had never really liked me and she certainly wasn't the woman I thought she was.

Very best of luck with your treatment Flowers

Funinthesun15 · 09/12/2015 22:29

Oh OP I really feel for you.

I had a similar situation with my ex closest friend after a very late miscarriage.

The day I came out of hospital (I had been in intensive care) she came rushing round to tell me she was pregnant and how exciting it was. This was before even asking how I was.

She then went on throughout the pregnancy in the the same vein. Asked if I had any baby stuff she could have. Announced that she would be using one of the names we were going to call our son (without even mentioning it before).

Final straw was her comment about how women who couldn't have children were missing out.

She is now an ex closest friends and haven't seen her for 8 years.

RoseBud2015 · 10/12/2015 07:05

Hi OP

This woman is an absolutely off her rocker, crazy bitch. Please remove her from your life completely!

I too am due to start IVF in Jan (after 16 months of ttc and an infertile diagnosis) and have had to remove a number of toxic people from my life including a couple of 'friends' and my SIL. Hard thing to do at the time but feel so much happier and more supported now. Absolutely the right thing to do.

I also had a massive FB cull.. ..... Very therapeutic and funnily enough I don't miss a single one of their 'news'

Take care x

rollonthesummer · 10/12/2015 07:10

Have you honestly never noticed one sign that she was unpleasant and trying to outdo you, in the last 29 odd years?!

Kr1stina · 10/12/2015 07:23

If you care to send me her email address, I'm happy to round up all the pregnant women on Mumsnet and get them to email her saying they got pregnant just to spite her

Seriously, it's perfectly normal when you are PG to feel that your baby is the only thing in the world that matters . However most women do have the intelligence and the kindness not to ACT on these feelings . Conceiving doesn't mean that your feelings trump everyone else's or give you the moral right to be an arsehole.

Although it's painful right now, you are MUCH better off with this woman and her pathetic BF out of your life. Now you have space for all the lovely new friends you will meet along your journey to parenthood . And I promise you that you will.

Please start by joining the infertility support groups on MN, they will hold your hand along the way .

rumbelina · 10/12/2015 09:45

Bloody nora. The best I can say is that pregnancy hormones have sent her crazy but that's an insult to the millions of pregnant women who DON'T behave like this.

I'm so sorry your friendship has come to this. FWIW if I was your friend I would be rooting for you with all your heart. You getting pregnant could only ADD shine to my pregnancy, it would be the icing on the cake.

rumbelina · 10/12/2015 09:45

*all MY heart

Original poster
Biscuitsforbribes · 10/12/2015 10:26

Sorry I turned my phone off last night so only just coming back to this.

I'm so sorry and completely gobsmacked at what you've all been through with some people! It's not acceptable on any level at all! I hope you all get your successesFlowers

Today I feel stunned and a bit like I'm grieving for someone. You're all right though and I'm glad (if glad is the right word) that this all happened now rather than months/years down the line if I managed to get pregnant. I'm very sad that I've lost my friend who I thought I knew inside out, and who I never thought could have any sort of awful feelings about me and that I'm not going to be there to see her child/ future children and all the other lovely momentous things in life.

This though, I one hundred percent cannot forgive though, and I think it's time to move on from her and concentrate on my lovely friends, husband and future.

Thank you all for your kind words, I don't know you but I feel so supported through such a bizarre week!

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 10/12/2015 10:35

She's going to be an entitled nightmare throughout her pregnancy and beyond. I pity the nodding donkey DP.

I know it must hurt right now to be treated this way OP, but you are well rid of this person. She would have made your IVF journey much harder than it needs to be. If she's so self assured in her opinions then hopefully she'll tell the other 'aunties' what she's said and they will be as appalled as we are.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your IVF.

Devora · 10/12/2015 10:55

Wowzers. There are no words. All I can do is wish you all the very best with your IVF, Biscuits. Flowers

Floggingmolly · 10/12/2015 10:58

What a ridiculously me me ME thing to do at the best of times... And obviously this is far from the best of times Sad
Is she usually an attention seeking idiot?

potap123 · 10/12/2015 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alastrante · 10/12/2015 11:40

I was reading this thread because I've been in your position and was going to say 'yeah, it's hard, people will always be having babies and inadvertently saying the wrong thing' - and then I read down and can see that she's self-obsessed and a bit twisted in her view of you and your friends.

What do the other friends think? It's tricky because you don't want it to turn into 'she said/I said' but this woman seems like the type who would be able to make a huge fuss and leave you without support at a difficult time in the new year (good luck btw).

sparechange · 10/12/2015 11:43

pota
Surely she has already had that chance?
The fact that her boyfriend sat there nodding along in agreement with her, and even reprimanded OP for not treating her like a special pregnant snowflake suggests those two are too far gone for rational reason.

Like others, I've also lost a former best friend in similar circumstances - in my case, having the audacity to have a stillbirth a few months before her wedding and then not 'snapping out of it' a month after the birth when she phoned me up to tell me off for not being interested enough in her wedding.
I then made the fatal error of having another round of IVF shortly before their wedding, which meant I was in the 2ww and not drinking on the day.

When I phoned her to tell her it hadn't worked, she had a go at me for 'wasting' her wedding day by not drinking, when I could have realised it wasn't going to work and then actually joined in with the fun.
We haven't spoken since. The first few weeks were horrible, and it was honestly like splitting up with a boyfriend. I spent ages looking at photos of us on holiday together and wondering what went wrong.
Nearly a year on, I honestly don't give her a second thought...

Alastrante · 10/12/2015 11:50

Sparechange, your story and the OP's make me despair. (So sorry btw.) People can be so shitty.

Life isn't someone's performance that other people are taking part in and how very dare they not keep to the script!

Devora · 10/12/2015 13:01

sparechange, wow you dodged a bullet getting out of that woman's life. So sorry for your losses.

Sillyshell · 10/12/2015 13:13

I dont really have much to add, but I just want to give you a hug! I've been down the IVF route and believe me you are so much better with her gone now and not dragging you down whilst you have your treatment.

Try not to give her a second thought, she really isnt worth your time and she is going to be the one who will regret this the most in time. x

Highlove · 10/12/2015 13:42

I'm just speechless. What a total bitch.

OP, I'm rooting for you for January. Flowers

Orange1969 · 12/12/2015 17:02

You find out who your friends are.

I had recurrent miscarriages before my DS was born.

A so called friend opined that it was better I miscarried than gave birth to a "gross mong kid".

Mind you, in years past, she told me that she sympathised with my ex for leaving me whilst I was in hospital being treated for depression.

Horrible woman.