Insensitive Christmas present

[Biscuitsforbribes]

Hi, I think I just need to vent/get a kick up the bum really!

Tonight I've been at a really lovely Christmas meal with a best friends since childhood. They're aware that were trying and failing to conceive and that we will be starting treatment in January.

My best friend brought us all a gift to open together. It was a baby grow with "I ❤️ my auntie" on it and a little card asking us to look after them until her little one arrives in the summer. She is twelve weeks pregnant.

I feel like I've been hit with a tonne of bricks and I feel SO selfish and awful for feeling like this! It's never been mentioned that they've been trying ( conceived naturally on their first attempt). I'm absolutely over the moon for her but a part of me is absolutely devastated for myself.

I just feel like it was an insensitive thing to do to me in such a public place, knowing how desperate I am for a family and everything we've gone through. I'm being selfish and childish aren't I?

I could never tell her how I feel as I'm so happy for her and don't want to rain on her parade! It's their first baby and she's absolutely glowing.

How do I get over myself, and quickly?

Thanks

She said WHAT?!

I'm not sure I would meet her just yet. Maybe send an email explaining that you don't see yourselves as in competition with each other, and are shocked and surprised that she does.
Other people being pregnant at a similar time can't and won't make her pregnancy any less special, and I can't quite see how she can't be a bit more sensitive about the journey (because it is a bloody journey) that you are about to start on, rather than thinking only about how it effects her.

If this is what she is like when she is 12 weeks pregnant, it doesn't bode well for the next few months, let alone when the baby is here..!

I am gobsmacked at how insensitive and self-absorbed your "friend" is. When I read that she was feeling awkward I thought maybe she had realised what an idiot she had been with the babygrow announcement, but to tell you she would be jealous if you managed to get pregnant after years of trying, really I don't know what to say.

The only thing I can Think of is to find some blog post about infertility and send them to her, though personally I'm not sure I would actually want to speak to her for quite a while if ever

I'm totally stunned and a bit gobsmacked to be honest. Her words haven't sunk in yet. Mr biscuits is seriously, seriously angry.

I'm trying to think well of her as we have been friends since we were very little girls and this is the first time there's been any upset between us.

I have no idea what to do, and I can't believe what I thought was me being a bad friend or overly sensitive has turned into this massive can of worms.

Bloody hell...your friend is so wrapped up in herself.having a baby isn't a bloody competition. Look after yourself, and keep your distance.

Oh OP she's being a total twat. She should be willing you on, not caring WHEN you get pregnant just that you DO. for you - hopefully you have more supportive friends to spend time with.

Good luck in January.

I would be very clear with her that you don't see it as a competition, you just want to get pregnant, as she has, and if she has a problem with that she should leave you well alone.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I have just joined Mumsnet after a year of lurking in the Infertility forum, specifically to respond to your post.

Your 'friend' is being AWFUL. Please don't for a second think you are being 'over-sensitive' or 'a bad friend'. She is being breathtakingly self-centred, even by the special, more accommodating yardstick by which pregnant women should be measured.

She is obviously incapable of empathy and can't get her tiny brain around the fact that everything is not about her. Unfortunately infertility is one of those things that people really struggle to understand unless they've gone through it, but this really takes the biscuit. I'm so upset on your behalf.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

She will go one of 2 ways...
a) She realises what a total dickwad she is being, comes to her senses, apologises/backtracks and it is never spoken of again. Your friendship can go back to normal.

b) This 'competition' bullshit carries on, and she'll be the sort of person that has to have a competitive birth story, and then her baby will be the most advanced and first to smile/walk/talk, and you'll all be expected to loudly congratulate her on the Best Baby That Ever There Was. And the tedium will carry on ad infinitum until she loses all her friends.

If I was in your shoes, I've give it a few more weeks of being arms length with her. If she is going to come to her senses, it will be soon. If she isn't, you don't want her anywhere near you when you start IVF. It is stressful enough without fuckwits like her trying to out-do you on who has the most stressful time at the moment, rather than offering support.

In her shoes the right thing to say is - I hope the fertility treatment is successful so that we can have our babies together and they can grow up as play mates

Her reaction is extremely odd

Odd and implies she has an issue with you which appears to be entirely of her own making.

I would put money on her having some underlying jealousy that has been bubbling for some time, and this is just a lightening rod for it..

Holy flip I read the first post and was giving her Hylands benefit of the doubt but after the recent update your friends needs her head slapped with a smally fish.

I would have been over the moon if my friends were pregnancy with me.Joint maternity leave, someone who got the exhaustion etc etc, would have been amazing. True friends revel in their freinds/ friends childrens achievements and are not in competition. Ridiculous

Biscuits- I just read your update, and seriously I can barely believe it! This is completely the wrong way around! You are reassuring her! She should be reassuring you! How dare she make your IVF about her and make you worry that if you got pregnsnt it would take the shine off her! This is absolutely not the sorts of things she should be saying to you.

To be honest, now that she has told you how she feels, with NO regard whatsoever for you, I think you should be telling her how she has made you feel! I understand that this is easy for me to say, but if she feels she can say that to you, then you should be able to say how you feel!
Honestly, I'm so upset for you!

Everything that jeanniejampots said ^^

Honestly OP. That's a hideous thing to say out loud to anyone, let alone someone about to start IVF.

What did she think she'd achieve by being so vile? Did she think you might offer to postpone your treatment until a time that suits her? .
If she's so into letting everyone 'know how she feels' you are perfectly within your on rights to tell her how you feel about her being a twat.

You know what? You sound lovely and your friend really, really doesn't.

Not only did she announce her pregnancy in a stunningly egotistical way to people generally - getting babygros for people 'to keep safe'. For. Fuck's. Sake. And this method was also stunningly crass when it was directed at you.

But now you know that prior to this incident she has been in a secret competition with you and not exactly wishing you well if you manage to 'do' anything before her.

Ideally I would be wanting an apology from her and for her to stop behaving like that. Realistically I would massively back off that friendship - it's only going to cause you distress at mo.

As I said, you sound lovely, she really, really doesn't.

What a moron, sorry but that is so self centred. Why not be positive and excited for you that she might be off on maternity leave at same time as you that your kids could grow up together. Her natural response, as a close friend, should be to be wishing the earth that your successful. We can all empathise with your heartbreak and struggle, that's an upsetting situation you're in.

Is there a pregnant woman version of bridezilla because I think your friend may have it!

If this were about a relationship I would say LTB. Really, you just don't need a frenemy like this. Just dump and move on

Good luck with the IVF. Its a tough road. But it worked for me and hopefully it will work for you too

(And just think if it works for you first time tound you will get a super advanced autumn baby to compare with her summer baby). Ok I know that's childish, but hey!

OP, please don't meet her tomorrow; she is not your friend.

This is not a pregnant-and-insensitive thing....it is a much more profound personality issue.

I say this because I'd hate you to be wary that any friends who've conceived easily wouldn't be there for you at this time.

I was a one-hit-wonder and can assure you that I would never, never, never have had anything other than sympathy, sensitivity and support for you and Mr biscuits.

This woman is a self obsessed bitch of epic proportions.

I've never done IVF, but several people I know have and I remember them saying how important it is to surround yourself only with positivity when you embark on this. Good philosophy for life in general, I guess.

Fuck me she is self-absorbed. I was going to say 'insensitive but maybe forgivable' but having read the later post I'm inclined to a more angry response. What a selfish way to behave!

for you op

You need to turn up and put the gifts for her on the table. Say:

"I've been thinking about what you said yesterday and I'm really hurt. I am delighted for you about your pregnancy, but I don't think you understand how hard it is for me to be around you and keep smiling right now. And from what you said yesterday, it sounded like you will actually be upset for us -not happy, as a friend should be, but UPSET - if our treatment works and I get pregnant. I know you said you can't help how you feel, but that has really, really upset me. So, I don't think I can be around you for a while.

I got these gifts for you, to celebrate your pregnancy. I hope you enjoy them."

Then get up and leave.

Im stunned....

My blood is boiling and it isnt even my friend.

Is this friend quite young, as it seems like a very immature thing to say.

To know that she would not be rooting for you to suceed is shocking, who needs a friend like that? NOT YOU!

Ask her 'so you want me to fail?'.

I dont think i could get past this, i personally dont see the friendship lasting.

This isn't like you're getting married at the same time as her and taking the limelight away from her.

Similar to what BYOSNOWMAN said Your friend's way of thinking is totally twisted, instead she should be thinking how nice will it be for our children to grow up together. We can sit and eat junk food together and complain about how we both feel fat and unattractive and uncomfortable.

I agree with SPARECHANGE about the underlying jealousy that has no doubt been bubbling away previous to this situation.

Like LASTONEDANCING what does she hope to achieve by saying such things!! ......crazy!

I would tell her that she also has no idea of the sadness/ involved with infertility and the pressure on you to succeed. You need support from friends. I would also be tempted to show her this thread and many other peoples thoughts on the matter. If you think the friendship is over you have nothing to lose, perhaps she'll realise how badly she has acted.

Sounds like she does want to rub it in your face and milk her pregnancy for all its worth. It makes me sad to admit that others were right from the start.

How stupid of me to have given her the benefit of doubt.

Is it not more likely that, had u have been pregnant together that when u bought something for yours, u wouldn't have been able to help yourself but buy the same cute bibs for hers. That's what friends do.... to suggest its competition is sad.

I agree with others who have said that she is oblivious to your feeling and turmoil... as she'll never understand when she hasn't been through it.

Tell her that she caught you off guard and now you have had time to think about it, you think what she said was incredibly hurtful. You are in shock that she could be so callous to suggest ur treatment in January is taking away the shine from her..., heaven forbid if u succeed.

Yeah sure the uncertainty that goes with Ivf is such a sure thing NOT...Clearly doesn't know anything.

You have a new best friend (Several if the comments on here are anything to go by)

PM anytime during your treatment, you will need to vent and clearly she isnt someone you can go to.

I sincerely mean it message me any time.

What the actual fuck.

What a horrid excuse for a human being she is. Egotistical announcement and fucking horrible follow up too, I think you'd be well-rid.

How does she think your friendship is going to get past this?

What Goztepesaid.

Thank you all so ,so much. I honestly mean that! Thank you for your words and for the space to express all this you are wonderful people!

I'm starting to feel angry. I keep mulling her words over and over and I just can't work out where any of this has come from! I am going to see her tomorrow, just to see her face to face to try and gain some understanding of where all this stems from!

We've are 27 and have been inseparable since the age of five, which is why I was so keen to try and find the good intentions in her actions, but now I don't think I could ever truly forget these hurtful things. Maybe tomorrow will clear the air, or maybe it will be the final nail in this bizarre, sad and wholly unnecessary situation but either way I'm going to take a lot of time and space to get this reconciled in my own head.