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Original poster

Insensitive Christmas present

111 replies

Biscuitsforbribes · 05/12/2015 22:34

Hi, I think I just need to vent/get a kick up the bum really!

Tonight I've been at a really lovely Christmas meal with a best friends since childhood. They're aware that were trying and failing to conceive and that we will be starting treatment in January.

My best friend brought us all a gift to open together. It was a baby grow with "I ❤️ my auntie" on it and a little card asking us to look after them until her little one arrives in the summer. She is twelve weeks pregnant.

I feel like I've been hit with a tonne of bricks and I feel SO selfish and awful for feeling like this! It's never been mentioned that they've been trying ( conceived naturally on their first attempt). I'm absolutely over the moon for her but a part of me is absolutely devastated for myself.

I just feel like it was an insensitive thing to do to me in such a public place, knowing how desperate I am for a family and everything we've gone through. I'm being selfish and childish aren't I?

I could never tell her how I feel as I'm so happy for her and don't want to rain on her parade! It's their first baby and she's absolutely glowing.

How do I get over myself, and quickly?

Thanks

OP posts:
IHazANewName · 08/12/2015 21:10

I am so fucking angry on your behalf! She is not a friend, as others have said, no friend would say that to you.

IMHO it seems as though she is/has been jealous of you for quite some time and for her this is something she deserves. It's so fucked up and I do think you're better off without her around. I had a frenemy who would do the comparison thing all the time - even via other friends when we weren't as close. I don't talk to her anymore as I can't be dealing with the negativity.

If you're as close as you think you are, I'd say tell her how she made you feel - be honest. Personally, after her last comments I don't think she will listen - it wouldn't surprise me if she still tried to turn around to be about you!

I really want to say is you tell her to fuck off because you don't want that negativity in your life.

Feel free to PM me btw, we can go through treatment together! Flowers

Fugghetaboutit · 08/12/2015 21:17

What a strange woman.

Do people actually come out with such insensitive, selfish horse shit?

Op, I would take a step back from this friendship.

mmmminx · 08/12/2015 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maki79 · 09/12/2015 02:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

Chattycat78 · 09/12/2015 09:19

Good luck today biscuits. I hope u can get your point across! I also hope your friend has thought about it since and realised what a terrible thing she said to you!

moggle · 09/12/2015 13:40

Good luck today OP. I read the first post and thought, well, some people can be thoughtless when they get carried away with their own stuff... benefit of the doubt blah blah... but was gobsmacked by your update!! Just ridiculous. Some people do just get very wrapped up and self absorbed sometimes. You only have to look at some of the wedding threads on here to see how blinkered some people can get when they are only thinking of themselves. I'm sure quite a lot of people think like this (eg it's not fair, why is she getting married before me, we've been together longer...) but to actually let the words out of your mouth!! And to know what you are going through and STILL react like this. It is bizarre.
Personally I would try to detach yourself from her with minimal fuss. One day in the future she will look back and cringe mightily about this, I am sure. Sadly I suspect your friendship may be beyond repair then.
And also, all the luck in the world for your treatment in the new year. xxx

Original poster
Biscuitsforbribes · 09/12/2015 20:31

Well it ended as everyone predicted sadly.

I went round hers as I didn't want anything to kick off in a public place, and her boyfriend was with her. It was a calm conversation which I'm glad of as I can't stand arguments and confrontation, but it was so cold.

I can't bear to detail all of the hideousness but particular gems included "no matter when you conceive your baby is always going to take the shine off mine in our friends eyes", "you'll be able to one up me with everything, as you'll be able to see what I buy/do and do better", "having you doing all this is going to take the joy away from my pregancy as people are only going to want updates from you"

I asked her if I had ever given her any indication that I would act like that and did she honestly think our friends would act like that, and she said no I hadn't, but that's how she felt and that I'm only trying to reassure her so I can sit on my high horse, and not because I actually care about her or our friendship.

I asked her if she felt she had to "one up" me in the things I've done before her ( marriage, house) and she said she kind of does. I asked her boyfriend (he was in the same room listening and nodding along with her, I didn't drag him into it) if he agreed and he just said that I should be more accepting of her feelings as she's actually the pregnant one.

She doesn't see that her comments are hurtful and unreasonable and totally unjustified and unfounded. I can't believe I managed not to totally lose it!

I told her that until she could sort herself out and understand this is all crazy, that it would be best we didn't see each other, but that it was a shame for our friendship to have come to this. She just tried to validate her points again, I managed to make it to "you're getting your Disney ending" and i had to walk out.

I feel totally, totally bereft and numb. Sorry for the essay but I needed to get it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitsforbribes · 09/12/2015 20:40

Oh and the baby grow thing; wasn't meant in a mean way but was something she has always (Hmm) wanted to do and she didn't want to have to walk on eggshells by leaving me out or to give me preferential treatment by telling me quietly first.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/12/2015 20:43

Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2015 20:43

Bloody hell. There are no words.

You are in the right, she is an insensitive idiot. I think you're absolutely right to take a break from her. People like that aren't worth the head space.

MaudGonneMad · 09/12/2015 20:47

Fucking hell. I'd never speak to her again after that.

MrsFogi · 09/12/2015 20:49

I know how you feel, I've was where you are once. But if I try to look at it from your friend's perspective and assume that she is a genuine friend and didn't set out to hurt you I suspect she thought that including you in the "love" and excitement of being an "aunt" to her baby might fill some of the gaping hole you are experiencing. I don't think anyone who has not suffered infertility can realise how heart wrenching even the smallest baby and pregnancy-related stuff can be (I remember ending up in tears every time I was in a social situation with a pregnant woman for a while). So I suspect the thing to so is have a cry and vent on here then send her an email (worded not to damage your friendship ie give her the benefit of the doubt) to explain where you are and tell her how she can be sensitive to that whilst at the same time passing on how you are genuinely happy for her. And don't lose hope that one day it will be you needing to be sensitive to others - I am now rubbish in social situations as I almost fear talking about my dcs for fear that any person I talk to who doesn't have children may have fertility issues (leads to very odd/awkward conversations!).

MaudGonneMad · 09/12/2015 20:52

Did you read the update, MrsFogi?

christinarossetti · 09/12/2015 20:54

This is awful to read, so I can't imagine what it's like for you to live through.

This is way beyond someone being so caught up in their excitement at being pregnant that they can't empathise with others or see how their actions could be insensitive or hurtful.

As someone who has walked a similar path, your best bet is to create some distance between you and her until you're in a better place, then consider if your friendship is worth playing the long game of this situation settling down in the future.

It sounds like she has some underlying ishoooos about you (envy, most likely), that she's enacting, and you need to extract yourself from her toxicity.

This is also likely to create problems in your friendship group, unfortunately, as she'll probably want to get people onside.

Take care OP and all the best of luck in your treatment.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/12/2015 20:57

What a thoughtless baggage. Being supposedly friends for so long, it's unbelievable. Sorry OP. Flowers
Best of luck with ivf x

sparechange · 09/12/2015 20:57

I'm speechless Shock

She sat in front of her her boyfriend and said her life choices are based on what can outdo you?

She clearly has biiig ishoos, and is so wrapped up in her own need to be the centre of attention that it is in some ways a blessing that you got to find out about it like this rather than passive aggressive unpleasantness over the coming years.

It also speaks volumes about her that she thinks your friends will be commenting behind her back about how your pram/cot/tattoo of the baby's name is nicer than hers. Who does that?!
She has given the game away that she is doing a fair amount of bitching, if she assumes everyone else does the same.

Losing a friend is never easy or fun but you have definitely dodged a massive bullet by getting shot of her before you start your IVF, let alone before her baby arrives and she becomes off-the-scale unbearable

Orange1969 · 09/12/2015 21:08

That is utterly insensitive and what a stupid "present".

Hope your treatment goes well.

I was tormented by the "conceived on first try" smug folk when I was enduring recurrent miscarriages.

I would have been dreadfully upset if I was in your shoes.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/12/2015 21:08

Wow. Amazing she has kept this level of crazy from you for so long before it finally erupted. I'd definitely keep her at arms length from now on and be thankful I'd seen her true colours.

I mostly keep off infertility related threads as I've had an easy ride baby wise but I really hope you don't take more from this than is there. Most women with kids or pregnant do not think likelihood. She is nuts. I'm pregnant now and if I was your friend I would have told you gently, understood if you needed some space and cheered you on did your treatment. Good luck for January. You sound like a real sweetie.

imip · 09/12/2015 21:21

My God, she is a dick of the highest order. Tbh, if she is like this now, the competition f you all had dcs would be vile. I've suffered from infertility, and then a stillbirth and it was all just hideous. You need to surround yourself with caring and considerate friends, especially your 'best friends'. She is most definitely not your best friend. As sad as it is, I would walk away from the friendship.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 09/12/2015 21:23

The thing is, she might not be able to help the way she feels but that doesn't mean that she has to share it with anyone else. Neither her personal insecurities nor her pregnancy make it OK to be outright nasty to you.

Compare this to the fact that your initial reaction was to hide your feelings from her and to figure out how to 'get over yourself', and she comes out looking even more horrible.

Your life will be better without her in it.

Borninthe60s · 09/12/2015 21:37

She's an absolute first class bitch. In my opinion she feels,she's,lived in,your shadow and deep down she's gleefully happy she's,managed to do,this first....walk forward and never look back X

Paddletonio · 09/12/2015 21:44

God she's a knob

A so called friend upset me in the past with an insensitive pregnancy announcement but it wasn't a patch on this one!

You are well rid of her. Sounds like her mind works in very odd ways.

Orange1969 · 09/12/2015 21:45

Oh OP - well done for visiting a person who is clearly not a good friend.

Her selfish, rude behaviour is stunning.

As an aside, what a smug, tacky thing she did in giving her friends "presents" that were, in fact, presents for HER.

BYOSnowman · 09/12/2015 21:49

she clearly has issues with you and has had them for a long time. All the pregnancy is doing is bringing those to the fore.

I really hope your treatment goes well and hope you are able to surround yourself with friends who are able to support you in a way this 'friend' won't

moggle · 09/12/2015 21:49

I'm so sorry it did turn out this way. Massive well done for keeping calm! I wonder what your other friends will think about this. In a way, poor girl to feel so insecure about her life and only feeling happiness dependent on others.
Onwards and upwards OP. Good job most people are not like this xxx