When to get rid of the baby items?

[closephine85]

Been ttc number 2 for over 2 years now and all the while I have been dutifully packing up all of my sons outgrown clothes, toys, equipment etc and putting it in the attic 'just in case'. He is going to be 4 next week, the attic is full to bursting and I can't decide... Do I give it all away whilst I still have that shred of hope that a sibling may happen one day? Or do I keep it until all hope is gone and then have the added blow of packing up all the baby things as well?!

People were so generous when we had our son, I had this wonderful image in my head of having my 2.4 children and then gifting them on to a friend who needed them. Now I feel like gifting these items to friends would be too painful and I think it will all have to go to charity.

Secondary fertility feels like such a lonely place sometimes. It's like I'm stuck in limbo and can't move forward.

[closephine85]

infertility unfortunate typo...

[KittyCatKittyCat]

I think perhaps give it all away, you can always buy new if the best happens. If not, it might be a release. Quite a lot changes with gadgets and such anyway over the years, when the best happens you'll probably want to get a fair bit of new stuff.

[SweepTheHalls]

There is still hope, I finally fell pregnant at 2 and a half years after DS2 xx

[WhatWouldFlopDo]

I got rid of mine at the weekend (OK I kept the tiny baby stuff). I feel cleansed and strangely more at peace with my situation.

The charity shop has stock to last them a lifetime now. DD is a similar age to your DS. I kept the vest she came home in, a tiny vest that we had to buy, first shoes and a pair of tiny socks.

[queenrollo]

I got rid of mine at the 2 year point. I had the space to store some stuff so I mailed my local Women's Aid and told them what I had. They mailed back which bits they could use, and it went to them. The rest went to other charities.

I cried and cried when the cot went.

[closephine85]

Thanks ladies :) I think I know what I'm up to over the weekend then! I'll just keep some of the sentimental items like you whatwouldflopdo.

I know that if it ever does happen again I'll be so excited I'll want to buy new things anyway. At the same time, If I can only afford 3 baby grows I'll just wash them three times a day because I'll have a baby and I'll be on cloud 9 so who cares about a little extra washing!

[closephine85]

Thanks Kittymum03 so sorry to hear you are suffering too. I have a close friend who is pregnant and it seems selfish not to give the items to her, but I can't bear the pity looks and the 'are you sure?'s. I'd rather just do it anonymously and be done with it I think:

[Duckdeamon]

V sorry about your fertility problems: been in a similar situation. I personally would hang onto stuff a while longer if I had storage space, unless/until had taken a definite decision to stop trying and pursued medical stuff as far as was going to.

[closephine85]

Thanks duckdeamon - the thing that scares me about hanging onto it, is the thought of reaching the end of the road and then having the added heartache of sorting all the stuff.

Kittymum03 I feel your pain. I don't know anyone else going through it either, everyone just seems to pop them out as and when they decide they want them! When I told my neighbour about our issues and how we had started trying when our little boy was two, she said 'oh yes, Same here, there's two years 9 months between our children'. I know people don't mean any harm, they just don't realise the sting their words can have. What you say about the formula doesn't sound daft at all, I completely get it. as long as you don't hold onto the last dirty nappy... that might be one step too far :) x

[NullaBore]

This was me late last year. 2 mc and my age along with dd's made me think one was our number.

I had kept everything but decided to throw away all but the baby clothes (and cot).

It's very tough OP l know, month after month (or in my case getting pregnant finally but not being able to stay pregnant ).

In my case I 'unexpectedly' (as in had decided not try that month as we had a long haul holiday booked that l wanted to enjoy ) fell pregnant and am now 39 weeks .

[Battleshiphips2]

I got rid of all my stuff last year when ds was 7, after 6 horrible yrs of ttc and the disappointment that goes with all those lonely lines on pregnancy tests? Watching all my friends having more children. I'm now 15 weeks pregnant! Don't give up hope of having more. I got told I'd never have any at all. I was a bit annoyed first that I'd given everything away but I get to go shopping and pick out all new stuff. It's been a long 7 yrs!! for those of you going through secondary infertility.

[Battleshiphips2]

nulla ours was unexpected too. We gave everything away because I'd had enough trying and disappointment. Stopped trying and ended up pregnant!

[PeterParkerSays]

We've pretty much given up having tried for 2 years now for no. 2 who has never arrived. I gave away the clothes for free on Facebook, and got a thank you card back from one of the recipients (they were collected by her friend) as she was so touched by what was in the bundle.

I found it harder giving away books and toys, as remember DS using them as a baby, but they've gone to the charity shop so other children can use them.

We're just getting used to the fact that there will only be DS and to look at the benefits of that - now he's older (6) we can afford to go abroad with him and go on day trips that we couldn't do with a baby / pushchair e.g. boating.

Sigh.

[Duckdeamon]

What does your DH think?

Might he or a friend or family member help with sorting the stuff if/when you decide to give it away?

It's hard not to be able to talk to people in RL, but IME fertility problems can unfortunately drive a wedge even friends in similar situations in RL eg when people make different choices (eg one friend I know had IVF abroad and another with a similar "diagnosis" tried egg donation and they were disapproving of each other!), or someone has a baby and someone else sadly doesn't.

[ApplesTheHare]

OP I'd keep it. You don't seem to have anything to gain by giving it away now - e.g. it's not like you're desperate for the space. It's going to be painful giving it away whenever you do it, but if there's a chance you can use it, you might as well keep it. Obviously I don't know your situation and how likely it is that you'll conceive, but my cousin is currently expecting after 4 years of ttc, so it could still happen!

[allchatnicknamesgone]

I suffer with this problem every new season and every time my daughter seems to shoot up. She's 7. My loft is collapsing. I am getting better and giving away more stuff as she gets older.
If you can afford to buy new, then get rid. If it will be financially crippling keep hold of the vital items.
I agree secondary fertility is very lonely and many people don't understand it or say stupid comments.
Hope you decide what's right for you OP.

[TapDancingPimp]

Hi OP,

I have 6 years worth of suitcases a black bags filled with DD's hardly-worn/too lovely to bin clothes. Been TTC number 2 for 2 years now and currently waiting on treatment. Not holding my breath (stage 4 endo with both tubes blocked, currently on Prostap following lap. to allow my womb to heal).

I don't know when to bin them, it's so hard

[Florin]

We moved at the beginning of the summer when our son was nearly 3. We have been trying for a second since he was born and it was time to accept it is unlikely to happen. Our new house although bigger doesn't have much storage as the loft is converted so it was time for a clear out. I just took it slowly sometimes I just felt in a mood to do it so when I had moments like that I forgot what else I had to do and sort out as much as I could. When it became too much I stopped and I was kind to myself during the process and rewarded myself with a glass of wine in the evenings! I found starting with the bigger things easier. Then working down. The 0-3 months wasn't easy. We have kept anything we felt was special we might sort further later but you can't get it back if you change your mind. All the boring vests and baby grows and dull outfits went though. Some of the bigger things like his pram and the jumperoo and crib I found hard but my husband said if I was ready to let them go he would deal with it as I couldn't bare to see what the people looked like that would be using the stuff meant for a child we couldn't have. Once it was done though I felt so proud of myself and actually a lot better about the situation it is a real weight lifted. I am better about it now and as soon as my son grows out of stuff I offer anything that we are not keeping for memories to our friends who have a son 10 months younger but quite a lot smaller which they appreciate as our son is our only I tend to buy top end clothes for him because I can and I like them. Now I get quite a lot of comfort seeing a little boy that means a lot to me wearing my sons clothes. I don't think I could have managed this with his baby clothes though.
I also feel if we had another it would be such a miracle baby I would want to enjoy buying new anyway and would probably go mad, even though my son is only three things move on quite quickly and you want different things. Plus even if they were the same sex I know all my friends that have had 2 children the same sex found none of the clothes seemed to fit in the right season for their second born.
Be kind to yourself though it is a hard thing to come to terms with. Sometimes I think I am happy with having one and sometimes it breaks my heart and I really flip out about it.

[isthatmorelego]

I got rid of ours when ds1 was 11.5 10 years after ttc had all tests, clomid,metformin all mates having kids around us painting on a smile but breaking inside.
Due to things going titsup with business needing to leave our lovely forever home always thought would bring up kids there spent a day in loft crying pulling myself together then falling apart again I finally got rid of everything apart from outfit D's came home in.
6 weeks later new house smaller at that and ds2 was conceived spent my pregnancy waiting for someone to say haha not true 10 months after breaking my heart ds2 arrived 12 years after his brother is now 9 and worshipped by his brother and everyone else don't give up could be stress of not getting pregnant not helping.

[RandomMess]

As others' say keep a few sentimental bits and anything equipment that is difficult or very expensive to pick up 2nd hand (there were a few amazing bits and pieces I had that I'm not sure you can buy anymore) and move on the rest.

TBH fashions and tastes change and what you loved 4 years ago you may not chose in 12 months time.

Hugs &

[closephine85]

Thanks everyone, some really lovely messages here. So nice to hear a few of you have had you miracles :)

Age is on my side but we are so far in the 'unexplained' bracket. I just can't shake the feeling something is being missed. We haven't had a single bfp in 27 months.

I think we will have a big clear out and do as a few of you have suggested and just keep the special things. We have a lovely Moses basket I'm not ready to part with and there are a few pieces of clothing I would love to use again if we get our miracle but I think its time for the rest to go. I think it will make me feel better.

Kittymum03 I have lost count of the times I've been told 'he needs a brother or sister' and you're right it's like a punch in the stomach. We've not told my parents about our struggle so I used to get the comments a lot until one day I snapped about it being a personal topic and my mum hasn't said anything since. I think she's probably worked it out for herself that we are having difficulties but I feel like telling them would add to the pressure.

[leccybill]

I've been ttc#2 now for almost four years. DD is 5.5.
I'm almost ashamed to tell you this, but I kept absolutely everything of hers, couldn't bear to part with any of it. I'm a bit of a hoarder anyway but I just felt so attached to it all. Silly, I know.

This is the embarrassing bit - in the last year, I've been Ebaying baby stuff, plus clothes, outfits and shoes. We were lucky to receive lots of lovely gifts from Monsoon and other fancy places, so they sell well. I've been putting the money into a savings account for a future hypothetical extended maternity leave