When to get rid of the baby items?

[closephine85]

Been ttc number 2 for over 2 years now and all the while I have been dutifully packing up all of my sons outgrown clothes, toys, equipment etc and putting it in the attic 'just in case'. He is going to be 4 next week, the attic is full to bursting and I can't decide... Do I give it all away whilst I still have that shred of hope that a sibling may happen one day? Or do I keep it until all hope is gone and then have the added blow of packing up all the baby things as well?!

People were so generous when we had our son, I had this wonderful image in my head of having my 2.4 children and then gifting them on to a friend who needed them. Now I feel like gifting these items to friends would be too painful and I think it will all have to go to charity.

Secondary fertility feels like such a lonely place sometimes. It's like I'm stuck in limbo and can't move forward.

Leccybill that's not silly at all. Pretty sensible really! I might actually consider that with some of our nicer items.

Kittymum03 I think sometimes my own mother is blinded by her own desire to be a grandmother, she loses sight of the fact that I might be struggling. And I suppose as I have never actually come out and said it I might have to cut her a bit of slack... Even though it's glaringly obvious by the massive sibling shaped hole.

I would love them to find an answer... every test I have I hope this is the one that will flag something up. But nothing. Have you had an HSG to check your tubes if you had an eptoptic? (Probably a daft question!)

Kitty - I feel bad to write that my mother is useless, but she never says the right thing and therefore I don't really tell her anything which is sad. When I recently discovered that getting preg was going to be near impossible, she just said that having one child was fine and that it wasn't as if anyone had died. I did my best not to scream that not finishing my family and having a chemical preg is like someone dying because I feel like I'm grieving.
It's hard when your own mum is a bit crap.

For ages i kept quiet about not being able to conceive my second, but now I just tell people if they ask. It's a lot simpler and actually you then learn about how many ivf babies there actually are or about other peoples struggles. Let's face it, infertility is not talked about enough.....you think you are suffering alone but actually in RL there are loads of people...

Allchat you are right. When I opened up to a friend who has three kids I discovered it actually took her 3 years to have the first.

Kitty I do feel a bit better thanks. Lots of lovely people on here :) this has been a bad month because we were supposed to be having our first month of IUI but it was cancelled as I ovultaed over the weekend. I am also struggling with the fact that ds is about to be 4 and also that I am going to get AF on his birthday :( (so far in the last year AF has arrived on Christmas day and my 30th birthday, so why not add my sons special day into the mix huh- she's a b#%^$!)

If finances allow perhaps you could look into a private HSG scan? If you had an eptopic it could be that a tube is blocked and simply having the HSG might clear it. To stop myself comfort eating I now comfort shop, not sure which is worse! When something gets me down I go and buy something new to wear that I wouldn't be able to wear if I was pregnant. Not good for the bank balance.

Two couples I know are each expecting a second baby, one of which will come 4.5 years after DC1 and the other 5.5 years after DC1. Both were hoping for a much smaller age gap, but they got there in the end! Definitely not time to give up yet! As a side note, we have nearly 4 years between DC1 and DC2 by choice, and for us it works really well.

I'm with you on this too. We have bags and [sob] our pram in the loft. I can't bear to go up and get rid of them, but DD is 5 and it's just not going to happen for us. I started to be more accepting about 6 months ago and gave some recent cast offs to a friend, but the baby clothes? No way, I just can't.

OP I so empathise with your journey so far. We have an unscheduled five year gap between DC1 and DC2. Maybe pick your favourite bits and bobs

Kittymum03 sorry to hear you lost a tube but pleased to hear the other looks fine :) we are having a party at home for him - bouncy castle and superhero costumes so it should be good fun! I'm pretty good at staying jolly in front of DS its poor DH that tends to feel the brunt of my emotions. It's sad as I'm typing I am watching them playing rugby through the window and I feel so sad that I can't feel complete by them. But a huge part of the desire for another baby is actually to give DS a sibling. He's such a sociable little guy I just think it would be so good for him!

Sorry to hear that goldplatedshitgibbon (I'd love to know the story behind that name!) you have to do what's right for you and if you can't part with them then don't :)

Thanks penfold007 pleased to hear it worked out for you in the end!

I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes. If someone could just say 'in x months/years you'll fall pregnant' i could relax. It's the not knowing if it will ever happen that really gets me.

Oh no, my stomach went in a knot just reading that mistake about the book :( you've hit the nail on the head. I love my little family to bits, but I want more to love. I love being a mum and I think I'm actually pretty damn good at it, it's just not fair we don't seem to be able to do it again. Perhaps I'm just being greedy. There is another thread on here about the boredom of infertility. I've read it but not posted anything as Id feel so guilty complaining about not having another when there are so many women on there who would probably give everything to have what I have!

I think at this stage DH will go along with what I want. When I spoke to him on the phone after the IUI was cancelled on Monday morning I broke down and sobbed. I haven't got that upset about it before and I think he's realised I'm near breaking point with it all. I don't think he had any sentimental attachment to the items, from his point of view, holding onto them would just mean saving money if it did happen. So I think he gets that if they are upsetting me then it's more important to let them go than save hypothetical money!

I'm still hoping too. I spend the whole of the tww jumping from one emotion to the next. Sometimes I'm so utterly convinced it's worked, those are the worst. I had to have a colposcopy last month and I don't know if it messed with my cycle but AF was four days late. I had literally got up early to test when it arrived. At least I didn't waste the test I suppose as I was going to use the clearblue digital one I've been saving for when I'm sure it's happened!

Last night when I lent over to help my son with his milk I had weird sharp pains low down in my tummy. Decided it could be implantation pains. Why do I do it to myself?! It would be better I think if I could totally convince myself it hasn't happened from day one. We are on month 27 I think of trying now. Why should this one have a different outcome from all the rest?! But its human nature to hope for the best.

That's why I want to get rid of the baby bits now. While the hope is still there. The thought of having to do it if we ever have to give up is just too much.

I know what you mean about not expecting to find yourself here. It took six months for us to conceive DS however I think we were probably doing it at the wrong times for at least 3 of those months. So when we started trying we were full of optimism and even joked 'well if it takes 6 months this time, we really are messing it up somewhere!' Oh how we laughed... fools!! :)

Ugh 10 days late sucks! :( how long had you been trying before your eptopic if you don't mind me asking?

I will keep anything that's either sentimental (first baby grow etc) and anything that is so nice Id be sad not to have it to use again. But there are so many things I do need to whittle it down a bit at least. The buggy can go as we don't use it anymore. Cot could possibly too... It's just a plain white one and ds always hated it anyway (he still spend most of the night in our bed now!) but will keep the Moses basket it's too lovely to part with. Perhaps I'll have a grandchild in it one day if not my own baby!

My story is so similar.

Got pregnant with ds (now 6) the first month we tried, no issues at all.
We didn't want another dc until he was about 3 and a half as he was a terrible sleeper, however for some reason I had a gut instinct we would have problems and we went for tests after only 2 months of ttc. The tests showed dh only had 2% normal forms and of those hardly any swam anywhere. We were referred for ivf with icsi. Two cycles and £10k later and no bfp. They then told us my eggs might be crap too and so we tried a donor embryo cycle in Spain in February this year. That failed too.

Then out of the blue - 3 years in to ttc - I fell pregnant. I'm 21 weeks now and still waiting for it all to go wrong. We'd kept everything to, I couldn't throw stuff away as it felt like giving up but I must admit I was on the cusp of starting to get rid of some things. As it turns out dd will be a winter baby - all being well - and ds was a summer baby so even the unisex stuff won't be any good and I want a new pushchair and Moses basket! I will reuse the toys and books.

I wish you all the luck in the world, secondary infertility is tough.

Definitely liberate yourself of all this stuff. It is just stuff. If you have another baby, a multipack of supermarket white babygros and a pack vests will do the job perfectly. A minimalist baby!

Sweetcharlotterose - congratulations!!!! So glad you have fallen pregnant after what sounds like a really tough journey. I hope you find it easier to relax the further along you get. Your story makes me think twice about ivf - we have been considering going down that road but it is so much money with no guarantees. Perhaps we should hold out a little longer.

Helpmeoutofthemaze you are so right -minimalist is all Id need!

Kitty that sounds awful. it certainly sounds like someone messed up somewhere and that you should have been scanned sooner. I think hospitals get away with a lot because people are too fragile/emotional/relieved to get out of there to question it :(

Oh how ridiculous! So sorry to hear you went through all that.

We had a kind of opposite story when I was pregnant with my son. I had some bleeding, called my GP and was sent to the hospital for a scan straight away. When they asked how far along I thought I was 7 weeks. They scanned me and told me the baby was a maximum of 5 weeks, no heartbeat and that I had had a missed miscarriage. They said to come back in a week for another scan and if it hadn't passed naturally I would have a d&c. Obviously we were devastated as had been trying for 6 months only to lose it so early. Anyway after about 5 days of constant crying I realised my pregnancy symptoms were picking up pace rather than disappearing. Went back for the scan a week later and was told 'your baby is 7.5 weeks and has a heartbeat'. So somehow my baby grew 2.5 weeks in a week... or the first scanner messed up. But again like you instead of making a fuss we just wanted to get out of there!

I did a test this morning (5 days early) and it was negative. No surprises there. But I thouht testing early would help ease my disappointment when AF arrives but unfortunately my brain still wants to hope so now I'm thinking 'well it would probably be too early anyway'. Argh!!

I got rid of all of mine after 6 years. I had it all stacked in the loft.
It became more of a 'moving on' type scenario for me really. It was sad, but the majority went to the charity shop. So hopefully it helped other families.