The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Karla your colleague sounds awful. Would she rub a cancer patient's bald head & say 'no sign of a cure yet, huh?' Jesus, what are people like.

Re: life on hold - yep. Despite retraining in a new profession, etc. I know that guilt about being ungrateful for the nice life I have. But I feel stuck - un-grown-up but also very old. Baby bombs are more or less behind me - my friends' kids are all starting secondary school. I never see them as they've all moved to the commuter belt & spend their weekends huddled in the freezing rain watching one or another of their children play rugby/football/hockey.

Single childless friends are doing OLD more or less full time. We don't see much of our gay friends as they've got their own thing going on. I can only think of 2 straight childless couples our age. And frankly, they're a bit weird. I worry how weird I've become without realising. Have to keep reminding myself there are a lot of fucking weird parents out there too.

oh what have I missed!
Karla I am guessing you was in too much shock to grab her hand away from your stomach. Can you spit in her tea at any point in the day? Hope IUI went ok
Bip glad your brave enough to try tackle your sadness by seeing someone. I always wonder how much mental damage I have done by bottling everything up.
sesame I know people always say they knew someone who had a friend of a friend who was able to do this or that! But I really do know people who are in their 40s and have had children. My cousin was 41 and a good colleague of mine has just had a baby at 40. They both seemed surprised by it to be honest but it only takes 1 egg.
Potatoes how you holding up? Hope you and DH are keeping sane.
AFM have a feeling I may have ov'd but not in the slightest bit interested, due to my dodgy pipes have a slight fuck it attitude this week, it's kept me from crying anyway!
Oh and I work for the NHS that's how I've managed a good contract. They treat IVF appointments the same as having time off for maternity appointments. Small win for me on that note. So I'll be coming and going out the office as and when I please and if anyone asks why, I'll tell them to mind their own business and shut up

Update from me- went for our 3rd IUI today. Hubbies sperm level seems to be as up and down as my FSH as today it was 4.7 (others were 6.7 and 5.8 million!)
Whilst there we had to fill in paper work in case we needed to book for private IVF. Had a good chat with the nurse who explained that we definitely would not be eligable for NHS funding due to my 2 raised FSH levels as our CCG require 8.5 or below, which puts me in the grey area of low reserve but not quite menopausal. she did however recommend I try the DHEA suppliaments that I mentioned so I am going to order them and see what happens.

Have any of you tried them as not sure which website to use? Worried about dodgy websites in case they end up contained whale spunk or something although that maybe quite useful

Just saw this - ironically cheered me up!

Hi everyone!

No news here. I've still resisted POAS. I figure if it's good news that'll be great on Saturday. If it's not good news and I test now I'll just feel shit for longer. And be tryign to convince myself it'll be different in 36 hours. But Christ this two weeks is dragging on!

karlafox excuse my ignorance of the IUI process but by "went for it today" you mean you're now chock full of sperm with a pregnancy test in an envelope for two weeks' time? If so - good luck! Also I need to know: did you have the extra shag or not?

pebbles I'm loving the irony that the NHS strictly ration IVF treatment but give staff leave to go and have it somewhere else! But good for you, take what you're owed. My boss basically applies that policy unofficially to me, which is great. As long as my work gets done he doesn't care if I'm in the office or having a stranger put a camera on a dildo up my fanny.

So tonight I went to my weekly dance class, which I love, gets me out of the house (stops me staring at boxes of pregnancy tests in my bathroom anyway) and is a chance to hang out with a lovely group of girls. In fact this spring I have signed up for two classes instead of my usual one a week. Of course, you know where this is going right? My fucking DANCE TEACHER IS PREGNANT. Seriously. The woman whose body I have to watch closely to follow the moves has a baby in it. I swear it's a fucking conspiracy.

Good luck for stims, Fractious - and for IUI, Karla. I got my DHEA/whale spunk from Biovea.

potatoes yes you are correct, Had the extra shag which probably resulted in the low sperm count today but thought it's better we give it a try as had achey ovaries Tuesday night so if I did ovulate then- there'd be some swimmers there to greet.
And yes, had the full works today. Spot light, speculum, catheter, spunk in syringe treatment. Poor hubby at the foot of the bed with a full view! All I could think was I should have vajazzled!
Unfortunately the NHS in my area don't stretch to free pregnancy tests. Got sent home with the name of the private IVF consultants details instead so I figured that's how much faith they have in their own skills.

bip I clearly still have loads to learn. What Is DHEA? Is it the one you took before that made your hair fall out or is this something different? Also sorry if I missed something - did you have your consultant app on Monday? Hope it went ok if so. Were you able to decide or did you flip a coin?

X post last night, potatoes - didn't mean to ignore you! So humbled by your fortitude in not testing. Have been worried that you'd had a positive result and didn't think you'd be welcome here. I wanted to make it clear that glittery dog shit will only ever be lobbed at you in celebration and with great affection if your news is good.

Cannot believe you've got double doses of pregnant dance instructor. It's relentless. But she going to look ridiculous in a leotard.

DHEA is indeed the elixir of baldness & roid rage. Said anecdotally to improve egg quality. I'm a bit dubious about egg improvement measures, as once eggs are chromosomally damaged (as they are with age) there's nothing you can do. A fucked egg stays fucked, & at my age over 80% of mine will be fucked, so the pills began to seem pointless. But if it extends the working life of non-fucked eggs there may be hope for younger people using it. Spesh if they've got a lot of hair to spare.

Re: IVF decision - woke up Monday terrified & shaking. Thought this was not a good state in which to start injecting massive doses of mood altering hormones into my fatty parts. Talked to consultant & agreed to do hysteroscopy this month (as nobody's bothered to check me for adhesions / Asherman's after 3 d&cs and a c section) & IVF next month. He's now back to recommending pgs (Why can't they get their stories straight?), which means no embryo transfer (if there are any embryos) until April/May which seems like forever.

I'm now kicking myself for not pulling my socks up & getting it over with this month. But must try to remember I miscarried les than 6 wks ago, it's only been 15 mos since we buried our dd, I've got to try to look after my sanity & my marriage somewhere in all this.

Period started yesterday & I've been miserable & feeling like stabbing people who annoy me on the tube.

Have booked a holiday for March/April and at least I don't have to think 'what if I'm pregnant by then?'

Really not sure if this is the right place to post on but I liked all the sweary pictures and could really do with some advice/a moan...

I'm still really quite young (24) but I've known for ages that I may have problems with fertility in the future due to an underlying problem. Not really thinking about trying for at least another couple of years due to the way my career's structured. I got married last year and may have to move areas this Summer for a new job so I went back to my gynae to find out a bit more information - general stuff about clarifying interventions we're likely to need, how we'd go about it if our jobs took us miles away etc. Wasn't really worried but bit of a planner and it felt like the time to start putting a bit of thought into planning my life!

Turns out the situation is much worse than I'd appreciated. The gynae said my odds of conceiving naturally were essentially zero. In order to get pregnant I'll need 1-2 big operations (with multiple surgeons) and then on to IVF (obviously this is presuming that DH is completely ok fertility wise!). He's also recommended a hysterectomy if/after I manage to have a baby for quality of life issues.

I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'm medical and I understand the odds of IVF, I definitely understand how serious the surgery is, I just can't get my head around it! I have a sinking feeling about the future (I'm bored already of it) - it would be easier if we could start trying now but it's not possible (even if job's weren't a factor I don't feel ready just yet). My DH is being so supportive but I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. My close friends are also great but infertility isn't exactly on their radar. I have a few friends my age who have babies but they either got pregnant accidentally or are very religious, got married at 18, pregnant by 19 types so again, not sure if they'd understand!

It's such a weird feeling because if I woke up pregnant tomorrow I don't think I'd be overjoyed (completely the worst time) but at the same time I keep bursting into tears at the thought of it never happening. I have all these thoughts about how it's not fair on DH, if I should talk to my Mum (who will probably come out with all the so-and-so up the road was told they couldn't have kids and then they relaxed blah blah crap), could really do with some advice as to how to deal with the constant what if feeling? Will it fade? Am I going to spend the next 2 years like this and then have all the crap that goes with the ops/actual fertility stuff?!

Welcome, Glitter. You're in the right place. Shit, that's a lot to deal with before you ever thought you'd need or want to deal with it. Really sorry you're going through all this. So annoying to get the 'oh, you're still young' or 'I know a woman who...' bullshit from people who don't understand / won't face the facts. I really can't bear the miracle success stories anymore. As it happens, I know 2 people who've won £5000 on a scratch-card. Does that make it more likely I will win £5000 on a scratch-card? The fuck it does. People are well intentioned but you need them to be realistic too and not constantly minimise what you're up against to make themselves feel better. Wish I had some advice about how to get through it - we're here for a sweaty rant & a hand hold.

Welcome glitter I agree with bip no one wants to deal with all this shit never mind when you are so young!
It must all be such a shock for you. Even though you aren't ready for a family yet, it's the worry about the hurdles you will have to cross when the time comes that's the worst!
The guilt is hard - but normal. If it was your hubby going through this what would you say to him? And I bet he married you because he wanted to not because he wanted a baby?
Hang in there though- life's rough as hell but my fellow mumsnetters are my saviour so hope we be yours too.

Thank you for the welcome bip and karla - been reading through this thread last night/this morning and I'm so relieved to find somewhere to talk about all this!

I suppose the thing is the limbo really. Who knows, the operations, IVF etc may work fine, but then it really might not. Can't really move on and it's not even like we can start trying and get on with it, going to have 2 years at least of this uncertainty! It's just so bloody hard and unfair.

DH is being brilliant really, has said exactly that karla, that he does want children but that they key point is that he wants children with me. If it's not possible then we'll figure something else out - be it another route or accepting it just won't happen and figuring out what our life looks like then (so far the Galapagos Islands and dogs...). But he wants me not a hypothetical baby.

Although my parents did once win £2000 on a scratch card so who knows...

Glad I didn't scare you off with my promises of sweaty rants . Meant sweary.

Well anyway fuck this, I'm off to buy some scratch cards! If I win big I promise I will take us all on a big barren holiday to the Galápagos Islands (always been one of my childless fantasy holiday destinations) & then set up a dog rescue so we can all have puppies & harvest their turds & roll them in glitter & flog them to yummy mummies on Etsy as over-cot mobiles.

Ok so clearly I have my priorities all wrong and I should be out there buying scratch cards. At least £5k would get me a bit more ivf. It's on the list for this afternoon now.

glitter what a backstory. You are wlecome to join us. I'm not sure we'll be able to cheer you up but we will definitely listen and we promise not to give you facile advice about relaxing or tell you stories about people we know who got pregnant.

My family also has a history of infertility. Noone knows why, but my paternal grandmother's three sisters were all unable to have children and my grandmother had at least five miscarriages before my father was born. Then my father's sister was also infertile and as a consequence my cousins are adopted. So I was kind of expecting them to find something up with me, but I was surprised they haven't found anything wrong. In fact they've not even been interested in that history tbh.

bip PMSL at teacher looking ridiculous in a leotard. I'm now picturing her clad in lycra with a bowling ball up the front and I have to say, I do feel better! Good call on the ivf. There's no perfect decision and even if you'd decided to go now you'd be having doubts the other way (should I have left it and given myself time to rest?) but being able to prepare and fit in a holiday sounds ace to me. Six weeks is not long after a mc. In the mean time, pls do keep us up to date with the hair situation

karla how's it going post iui? How long until you start eyeing up the pg tests?

Colleague 1: I'm not sure we're going to be able to stay in our new house very long. We're going to have 2 kids in the next three years

Me: well it depends how long it takes. People who can plan like that are very lucky

I stormed off to make tea

Return with tea

Colleague 2: colleague 3 are you going to have another kid?

Colleague 3: well my wife's a teacher so we have to time it so it works well with school holidays. We're moving this year so will conceive next January probably

I am now hiding in the loo hating the fertiles more than ever.

Thanks fractious! Your response is exactly why I love this thread! Xx

Can I add to that a hope that when colleague 3's wife gets pregnant, it is by the milkman. sammy, people are such twats.

sammy colleagues 1 and 3 need a hot, sloppy glittery shit right in the cake hole!
That reminded me I heard a similar conversation the other day at work. One colleague was talking about a friend who has twins and said ' I love my 3 kids, but I would really have loved to have had twins, it's my one regret'... Me sat in the corner thinking are you actually for real!!

potatoes- 1 day post IUI and not tempted to test yet! Haha I have 30 cheapo piss sticks in my bedside table which will be used up between days 21 and 28 as I like to let myself down gently and draw the process out obv's because I'm an idiot good luck for test day tomorrow!

bip I would defo buy some of that organic glitter covered mobile shit and would relish in giving it as gifts at the next god damn baby shower I get invited to.

People who can time conception give me the absolute rage. People who brag about it like it's normal..... Fuck. Off.

I don't want tomorrow to come :-( Not knowing is better than knowing it's over. I so want to have a drink right now! worst timing.

potatoes think happy thoughts and all that bollocks.
I can't empathise with your situation as I have never got to the end of a 2ww as i start bleed on and off for a week before period officially starts so never gotten my hopes up but I imagine IF it did happen, I would take the test a few days after period is due as its Sod's law it makes an appearance the second you whip the test out.
Either way, I will have everything (except my legs) for you