The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Potatoes - keeping everything crossed for you. As others have said, hope you're being looked after, please be kind to yourself. Take a sickie if you need to. Xx

potatoes what utter utter shit. Hope you are doing ok. Have you contacted the clinic for advice?

My new bed time read. If anyone wants it after I have read it, I'm happy to send it on

Potates just caught up - nothing helpful/encouraging to say, but I'm really sorry to read that. Reiterating the posts above - I hope you're not alone.

Fuck fuck fuck FUCK it's just fucking shit.

Oh no potatoes really sorry that's happened. I hope to God it stops and what has already been suggested is correct. I know no words will help you right now. But we are all rooting for you and for everything to be ok xx
Karla you'll laugh at some of the advice in that book i.e no more perfume, hairspray, nail varnish etc a bit extreme but it's an eye opener.
Laura you must of felt in a complete panick on your appointment day. Hope things come together for you v.soon. I know my DH would have been the same.
Bip I hope you and DH have been able to discuss your wishes and decide on what is best for the both of you. What ever you decide, you have to be sure that you are both happy with the decision and will be able to look back knowing you done all you could to get to where ever life may take you or bring you!
Infertility is heartbreaking. There are too many what ifs, buts, maybes, whys, to ever think rationally at times, it's fucking shit and I am sick of it.
Hello to everyone else, hope to hear some good news from the thread soon xxxxx

Thanks for all your support ladies. I really really really want to believe it's spotting in the same way that every month you want to believe that the start of your period is actually an implantation bleed. But it doesn't feel that way. Of course technically I can't say for sure.

DH loooked so crestfallen when I told him I was bleeding. He just said "I really thought it would work this time". Then he did an impression of a little embryo clinging on to the edge of the duvet and peeking out and said maybe he's hanging on in there, let's not give up on him.

TBH I should have twigged when I felt like having sex! I never want sex in the lead up to my period then horny as hell during and after. (NB there was no piv so no cervix/pessary irritation).

Clinic were very clear at ET that bleeding is normal, might mean it has worked or that it hasn't, unless it's an emergency they can't do anything until test day, so go home and good luck. Which is all true! So five more days to wait.

Of course I am no longer the zen master and am now pant checking with the best of them. I have four pg tests in the house and I will take one every morning until Saturday when I take the official clinic one. Yes, the crazy has landed. Going to work is a godesnd. Love my job, love my team. They don't know a thing and it keeps my mind off it all.

So that's the self indulgent crap over with. fractious I want to know all about the hen do and your non-drinking subterfuge. Did it work? karla pls post pearls of wisdom as you go along (I'm so lazy I'll be post menopause before I read a whole book). laura hope the research is gong well. bip, sammy, biscuits, pebbles, icy and everyone else I've missed - I'm sending you all glittery dog shit.

Popping on to say to potatoes really sorry about the bleeding, really hope it's just an embie carving into your womb duvet.

Karla I've read that book and followed every bit of advice in there. Even bought a fancy yoga mat and some hippy deodorant... It still didn't help me produce any eggs capable of turning into a fucking baby. But at least taking a fist full of pills every day makes me feel like I'm doing something....

Potatoes I'm thinking of you and have everything crossed for you xx

Hope everyone else is ok? Yes Karla update us as you go along pls! I spent £45 on 2 IVF books from Amazon about 2 weeks ago...am yet to crack the spine on them ha!

We researched - we're going to go with Reprofit in Brno in Czech Rep. Great reviews and my acupuncturist knows happy clients who went there. Have emailed to book in - exciting!

Potatoes the fact you have 4 (rather than 400) pg tests in the house shows how much of a zen master you are. Hope you (& embryo, & DH) are hanging in there.

Good luck to those following the egg care plan. Sadly hasn't done much for my old-ass eggs. For a year after the stillbirth I took 16 tablets a day (COQ10, PQQ, massive doses of antioxidants, etc), wheatgrass shots, cut out sugar, refined wheat, booze, caffeine, plastic water bottles, used all organic 0% paraben toiletries, etc. Got pg twice, but mced due to chromosome defects (which in 85% of cases are caused by a duff egg). Now I eat & drink whatever I want in moderation and use shampoo that lathers properly. While I may be barren at least my hair's not sticky and my burps don't taste of sulphur.

I could not have not tried all those things, though.

Laura excellent you've picked your clinic!

Fractions Well done getting pissed by proxy & getting through the hen night! I wish that unicorn had a glittery dog turd impaled on its horn.

Love that unicorn pic!!

Laura a lady from another thread I used to read went to reprofit. Got the impression they are very good and efficient. And their location didn't cause any extra problem. Good luck!
seaseme can I be really nosey and ask the reason why you didn't get any good eggs? Asking because I am trying to prepare myself for all eventualities if I get to IVF stage.
Fractious great tips! I'll be using them for some up coming nights out that I would rather not go to! Infertility has made me very antisocial
Bip I laughed at the shampoo comment! I've done the plastic container bit, but my beauty products will not be sacrificed (yet)!
potatoes really hope the tests having reassuring results. Lots of love xx
AFM still counting down the days for my procedure. But on a good note, if I get to do IVF, the time off work is covered in my employment contract. That's reassuring that I would get the time of work when I needed it.

bip not sure I will try the all organic products my beauty regime is what keeps me sane. 'Preen like a queen' that's me!
fractious I will get on to the book and update you all whilst scaring the shit out of myself with any useful info.

I went to the clinic today for my pre IUI scan, kept me waiting an hour as there was trainee doing the scans. I know we all have to learn but seriously!.
Anyway, apparently I have 2 decent sized follicles on my right ovary. Measuring 1.3 and 1.7cm so IUI planned for Thursday, did an ovulation test- no smiley face but faint line, Was told to use up the last of the gonal F in the hope that it may increase the smaller follicle so there's 2 to play with, give myself the ovulation trigger tonight and told not to DTD. But, now have got myself worked up thinking what if I ovulate in the meantime ur tomorrow and it's all over by Thursday?? And without having DTD there's no chance of it working so I'm wondering, should we lie on the form and make out we have abstained and just do it or do I do as I am told and leave it to the professionals and their turkey baster?!

Karla I'd definitely do it. Just covers that bit of time in between - don't waste a good chance hey?!

pebbles my problem is mainly because I am ancient (40 ) and my ovaries have dried up . Despite this, I am stupid enough to gamble all or nothing on my own eggs. My last but one cycle I got 1 egg, 1 embryo and 1 bfn. And on my last IVF I got 1 egg that was too immature to inject. To be fair to the egg book, my remaining eggs could now be truly amazing - I can imagine the lazy buggers are stretching themselves out across the wide expanses of my empty beach ovaries, drinking delicious cocktails of CoQ10 and whatnot, and having such a whale of a time that they can’t be arsed showing up to the IVF party.

potatoes did you poas?

karla what a dilemma!

Karla have a shag and lie on the form. Cover all bases I reckon. When I went for my laparoscopy I was told to have protected sex beforehand. Ignored that - as if our sex life hasn't been fucked with enough without going back to tedious condoms. Then before I went in for op they asked if there was any chance that I was pregnant. I could confidently say "no, there is no chance that I am pregnant". In the same circumstances plenty of other women would be pregnant but not me!

I wrote an email to the women's editor of the times wailing about how sad I was that a piece she'd run in their weekly newsletter "this is really trying" about some 'infertile' woman (who magically ironidiffed before doing any proper treatment) had ended & could she sub in another barren to get the word out properly. I was surprised that she took the time to reply... I think the original 'infertile' is back on the writing staff as a new column has appeared about life with a newborn. I have unsubscribed from weekly circular as I can't bring myself to read it.

Potatoes how're you doing? I don't know if it's crazy or strength to take a daily piss test but I'm not sure I'd be able bring myself to! Wishing you all the best though. Really hope it's working in there. Throwing a bucketful of sloppy glittery dog shit your way. Get it into all the nooks and crannies.

Pebbles wow your contract sounds amazing! My places covers you for shit! That's got to take a whole load off your mind.

Fractious good job on the hen do! Well done for being sober and lairy, I've done that before it's wickedly liberating! Behaving badly is brilliant.

No news from me, just keeping up with you all. I think about how sad I feel about being so fucking barren and start to feel like I want to cry but then just give up. Crying achieves nothing and I can't actually be bothered to go there.

My cats make me feel happy and work keeps me ticking over as my mind is distracted.... I got a disproportionate passive aggressive thrill on email today - some woman Sarah chasing invoices missed off the last letter of my name, so I fwd email with her CC'd onto relevant colleague "could you chase these for Sara please".

Overall though my life feels fairly joyless. PassAgg thrills are fine for 10 mins but I don't feel like I'm winning now. I feel sad.

Hi all. Some lovely juicy updates to get into.

Question: when you do ivf abroad how does that work? Do they have satellites in the uk where you have drugs and scans, then go abroad for EC/ET, or do you make multiple trips / go away for the whole six weeks? Never really thought about it before!

pebbles how much time do you get? I can have two days (presumably for the egg collection as it involves sedation, although I used a/l this time to maintain subterfuge!). Do they give you weeks? ??? For how many cycles a year? ???

karla re: dtd - can't remember if it was on this thread or another one that a poster said the person doing the internal scan commented on the quantity of her husband's semen when they'd shagged the night before. So maybe baware of possible detection!

icy I think a bit of passive aggression shares the pain around. But I do hope your feeling better soon. Being without booze doesn't help!

fractious sounds like an Oscar winning hen do performance. I'd do that all the time if I wasn't so keen on booze. I couldn't even stay away at xmas and I was with family with no pressure to drink!

All ok here. Bleeding has stopped so the flicker of hope had reignited. Haven't POAS mainly because I'm so shit in the morning I forgot. Better not forget on Saturday or that'll be another day of waiting!

bip the reason I don't have many pg tests is that my cycles are only 25/26 days long so I've barely ovulated when my period starts and I am NEVER late so there's never a reason or opportunity to take one! Also hence my fear when I see blood. It'salwaysmy super on time period.

Potatoes my awe of you has just increased. I've never waited until I'm late to test. I've always bulk bought cheap sensitive test strips on ebay & had at it from 8dpo like a lunatic. Did you test this AM? Can absolutely understand why you would wait & spare yourself the stress of an ambiguous result.

Know what you mean about the sadness, Icy. It's so pervasive, nothing really lifts it. I'm making myself do things, but not enjoying them. I'm just keeping a hand in, just in case I ever want my life back in future. I've been so sad for so long I can't remember what else there is apart from varieties of sadness. There's the eviscerating grief for my daughter, the loneliness of others' responses (/non-responses) to our loss, and the miserable dawning certainty that we will never have a family. And then the frantic regret that we left it so long to ttc because our own families are so toxic & dysfunctional we were terrified to start our own. It just feels so desolate sometimes. I go for weeks where I don't cry (no point, too numb, too angry, sick of crying), and then something catches me unawares (mother on playground calling out to her daughter, sight of a little girl just learning to walk) and I have hyperventilating panicky crying fits.

I see a therapist. She's a trauma specialist, & is OK with that stuff, but she understands nothing about fertility. Keeps asking me to explain to her again how eggs work ('so are you saying you only release one egg a month?'). Thinking of giving up on that as well as it's just adding to my feelings of frustration & isolation. It fucking sucks.

Icy why don't you offer to write that piece for the Times? Might be more satisfying than Copify jobs.

Bip - More satisfying than a penny a word?! Surely not. Cashed out £32 today! Ha! Anyway the woman said times copy comes from times staff, but recommended I write something for The Pool. Wasn't really the point of the email (which reading it back was basically a polite, unhinged rant!)

I would love more national media coverage about The Barren. Given so much of media focuses on people in the media, I'm sure The Barren outnumber them. Or maybe we really don't. We're a tiny small marginalised group who keep our lives ticking over, pay our taxes, cost the state nothing as we're not using NHS services for pregnancy or children stuff, not using education services. Little worker drone ants, and count for shit.

Sorry you're feeling shit and sad too. I'm actually also properly sorry that knowing I'm not alone makes me feel a tiny bit better. That's awful. I only really feel sorry for fellow barrens, living our glitter-free dog shit existence. But even then it's a relief that I'm not the only one.

This board is probably better therapy than your stupid woman - can you get a transfer? Is there anything available through miscarriage charities?

Another cheerless post from me. Apologies for being so dour.

icy/bip I empathise with that sad shit.
It's like the whole world carries on with their glitter filled days and we just trawl through the shit..
Minding my own business today at work and a colleague (who I don't know that well) said 'hey, how you doing!! No babies yet then'! ( whilst patting my stomach)
I was too polite to tell her to frig off so mumbled something about 'too busy' etc and scurried back to my office.
I don't get why people are so personal about something so personal?!

Totally agree with the sadness. It's all consuming sometimes. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Do any of you feel like you're constantly waiting for your life to start?

God that sounds so pathetic written down. I miss the naive days when my life didn't revolve around cervical mucus, piss sticks, hospitals and crippling disappointment.

Karla she touched your fucking stomach? Get onto HR and get the bitch formally warned. Cunt.

Totally agree about waiting for your life to start. That's when we'll move house, make new friends with other families, have new baby friendly hobbies etc. In the mean time, same same same. It literally is waiting... for a baby. Bugger everything.

Also, anyone touching my stomach at work would get a physically painful response.

bip dodgy therapist sounds no good. Fine if it's sometime who helps you but someone lacking in knowledge of the basic birds and bees sounds annoying!

Bad day all round by the sounds of it

Karl's, I cannot believe your colleague!!!! What in the world makes her think that's ok?!
It's not ok just to touch someone's stomach if they do have a bump, let alone when they don't. I'm fuming on your behalf!

As for the life on hold thing. I totally get it. I feel like I'm going through the motions. I go to family/friend events, lie when someone asks if I'm ok or if anything exciting is happening in life, and go home feeling as sad and unfulfilled as ever.

Wow - what a cheery bunch we are today! Xx