The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Oh, the baby bombing - why do people do it? Even the expectant couple's closest friends and family must find it a bit cringey, surely, all the waving of piss sticks on FB? Sounds like everyone's coped admirably under duress.

Potatoes - loving your drugs bust. I guess with the turkey all eaten up you had lost your mule. Here's hoping you manage to avoid Narc Anon interventions by well-meaning mum in the new year. Also hope the injections are going well.

Tiger I hope your cycle resolves itself one way or the other soon - there's nothing worse than not knowing and trying not to hope. Ugh.

Yikes, x-post with Icy - your Christmas sounds absolutely terrible! Are you OK?

Icy that sounds shite!
I avoided Facebook on Christmas Day. Couldn't bare the thought of seeing thousands of posts of kids and presents. Instead we turned up at my mums for dinner for 12 people and I was sat between my 7 year old nephew and 4 year old Niece ( thanks for that mother) there's me thinking I was going to get away from the reminders for a day!
Hope everyone else enjoyed the festivities/ endless alcohol.

Jesus icy, are you alright?

Hahaha just chuckled at that Fractious - good one!

Found these...probably on the same site..!

"You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . ..or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21"

Icy you win, hands down. I hope bridges won't be burned forever and you get back to some sort of status quo with everyone.

Hope everyone else is bearing up well considering...?

Well you remember the couple we were meant to go and visit with their newborn son the other week and she'd had a meltdown and cancelled it? Stupid me invited them over today for a bit of lunch (felt guilty we hadn't seen them; should've known better). Anyway I hit a brand new low (I'm basically 10 feet under now I think) which was her asking me where we'd got to in our treatment whilst she tried to then act as if she was listening to the answer whilst she coos at the crying adorable newbie.

Fuck it. And I've put on about half a stone in the last week which all needs to come off PLUS some by our first IVF appointment on 13th Jan. Just off to have another cold glass of Coke.....

It was utterly awful. OH and mum just blew up. I hope in time it'll all be water under the bridge, but i know now that some relationships will be affected forever. I was (drunkenly) making cheese toasters and just heard an eruption in the living room. Can't think about it.

I think OH is on the verge of a breakdown tbh. His life is crazy, he's really affected by Xmas day, said today he feels bad, I said physically or emotionally. He said the latter. Very worried. Going to put us on dry January and lots of tennis or outdoor jogging in order to get the endorphins up. Would like him to see a shrink but in reality he doesn't have the time for it. Still, good excuse for me to not drink pre IVF.

Yay at least that caps off a shit year.
2015 in review:
Start the year barren
Gran dies
Dad discloses Parkinson's diagnosis
Laparoscopy doesn't work - still barren
Many, many arguments and "rough patches" with OH
Best friend moves to Australia
OH ex wife takes him to court for more money (loses - stupid bint)
Horrible Xmas row.

2 good things happened this year:
Adopted my cats
Got a new job am happy in (fucking ironic given I'd be so happy to give it up to have a baby, but there we are. I might as well be earning).

Fractious that joke raised a smirk. Have you ever come across the 999reasonstolaughatinfertility blog? Some amusing ones there.

Karla I've deleted FB app. Still own the account but I'm going to try to go the whole of 2016 without looking at it. Detox. The only people I care about I have almost daily whatsapp contact with so don't need the smug shit from the rest of the world. Also the rest of the world are cunts.

Our IVF referral should be going off on weds, I'm incredibly lucky I got an Xmas bonus that will just about cover the cost of the cycle so at least that'll be one less thing to stress about.

Got a house full for NYE. Have spent past couple of days doing all the bedding that was slept in for about 4 hours. Shit I'm so depressed about it all.

This is gross, but meh, it's another shitty thing that I literally can't talk about IRL; I contracted herpes years ago off a bf who went "down there" the day before getting a cold sore. These days I get outbreaks on my outer thigh rather than on the fanjo itself, which in itself I suppose is pleasing, so obviously that's just blistered this evening given I'm stressed to high fuck.

God I love this thread, out it all comes! No judgement and no fucking positivity pushers. figuratively lays back and smokes fag fuck I miss smoking

Oh icy, you poor thing, that sounds horrific. I've never smoked but think I'd need a virtual ciggie too after all that.

So dh has just come home and told me that some friends of ours are ttc. Have been trying 2 months and apparently the girl is getting really upset each time it doesn't work. 2 months! I actually laughed!!! So anyhoo, now bracing for another announcement in a few months time. Xx

Icy. If I thought I had a bad year.. Spent the whole 365 days thinking about, talking about, worrying about and dreaming about getting up the duff, I will just think of you as if you can still come out the other side after all that shit so can the rest of us!!
Baby dust to us all in 2016 that's what I say
Ps, that was obv's a joke so please don't kick me off the thread!

We just about made it through Xmas ladies!!!
Sorry to hear some of you had a rough ride. Icy Poor you and Dh, not what you need at all! You still managed to make me smile though! Wasn't expecting you to denounce the whole world as cunts I agree hence no FB for me. Deleted at the beginning of the year when my friend was around 10 wks up duff. I knew what was coming!
I have come to the conclusion that if I do ever have s child, it will be the only child I like. My Mum had the family staying for Xmas, house full of kids!! Couldn't hear myself think, noisey, cheeky, greedy little shits!!! I made my excuses and left with my adorable doggy and bottle of bubbly. Actually had a good Xmas to be fair, thank god for alcohol!
Also realised I am completely numb to this infertility shite. I visited my friend on Xmas eve, she kindly handed me her adorable new born who wouldn't settle. I managed to rock her off to sleep and settle her. Hadn't even realised and done it till my friend commented how much of a natural I was. I swiftly left and didn't even break down in the car. Just heavily puffed my e-cig ( I will chuck it in the new year, maybe!!!)
Want to wish you all a great start to 2016 and lots of fluffy baby dust ha cos that's what we've all been missing!!!

Pebbles, well done on not breaking down, I most definitely would have done.

The baby dust comments are the best joke so far!

So I thought we were going to be able to do our next FET either in a couple of weeks, or off the back of my next cycle in 6weeks or so. Called to book in this morning only to be told that they're really busy so have to wait until February. This is already private so absolutely nothing I can do to speed it up. Dh says we can carry on trying naturally (which of course I will) but the difference is he really believes it could still happen.

I'm feeling really lost, I need something else to focus on but I'm not sure what? All my friends are having it have had babies do we just don't have anything in common now. Xx

Fuck me Icy you've had a really rough time in 2015, no wonder you can't wait to kick it in the arse and see the back of it! I understand a little bit of what you've had to deal with - my dad has an early onset dementia and lives in a care home. It's shit.

I'm going to divert some of my attention to getting some stuff done in our house in the early part of 2016. Have proactively rung a couple of plasterers for quotes on skimming the artex ceiling today already!

I've thought about coming off FB but I get paralysed by the thought that my friends will forget to tell me what's happening cos they'll think I've seen it! Will see how I cope after our appt on 13th Jan. Have also booked a load of reflexology sessions a bit later on to keep myself feeling chilled throughout.

Baby dust PAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck them all.

LOL @ Baby Dust

I just sought out a babyandbump.momtastic type forum to jeer at those type women sending each other baby dust and prayers (as if any of them actually prays for 'wannabemomma84'). Found it oddly cheering.

Sammy you've got to find an outlet and something else to focus on. Which is a crap thing to say, because every single day I trudge to the station deliberating whether to just give into all the sadness and let it consume me, and go off on sick leave and never get up again.

But that would be letting the fuckers win.

You need something that makes you feel like you're getting one over on the world. I have joined 'copify' - it's a copywriting website. I take on jobs, and get paid 1p a word. It's fucking hilarious how excited I got earning £2 for writing 200 words describing a Hoover branded Fridge for some website, but I do it during working hours, so it's my little win. My other hobby is sneakily stealing toys from OH kid's rooms and ebaying them. Got rid of 2 furbies that they've long since stopped playing with/batteries ran out. £8 a pop plus I robbed the buyers on p+p, and then put the packaged through work's franking machine.

SMALL VICTORIES I tell you. It's amazing what pleasure you get out of them.

Coming out of lurkerdom just to say icy, I think you just became my new personal hero. Epic!

Have a look at this - a pretty good read...

yetanotherbitterinfertile.wordpress.com

It's like us, only in a blog :)

Icy - I like the toy selling! Maybe I can do the same thing with dhs golf stuff......

Fractious - that 'perfect little family' status is one of my personal worst a too, and dsil is using it ALL THE TIME recently, gah! Xx

Oh and less sweary. I think she missed a fucking trick or two on that though.

Fractious I bought a home IPL kit for similar self improvement reasons. Might as well be a fuzz free barren.

God, what a dreadful year 2015 has been. FWIW, coming off FB this past summer was the best thing I've ever done. Icy is right, everyone is a cunt.

I was just on the way back from buying specialty cat food at the vet's, thinking what a lovely sunny day it was, when I ran into my entire NCT class, all 14 of them, out for coffee with their 7 healthy 15-month-old babies, all the same age as my dd would have been had she not died in childbirth. One beatific mum waved to me and smiled. It was all I could do not to swing my 3.5 kilo sack of dental diet at her head.

Word to the wise - if/when you all get pregnant, do not join every antenatal group going because (a) they're full of people who instantly got pregnant and are immensely proud of themselves for it (b) if something does fuck up late in the pregnancy, you will spend the next 6 months explaining to about 100 smiling women who bump into you en route to mum & baby yoga why you haven't got your baby with you. Then for the next year they'll all be asking you whether you 'feel ready' to have another baby yet, as though that's all it takes.

FFS. Happy fucking new year, everyone. Let's hope 2016 is less shit all round!

I'm off to find some little ways to get one over on the world.

So girls ( I assume we are all girls on here?) I guess that's another year over and done with!
Hope you all make the best of the celebrations tonight whatever you are doing. I am spending he evening with the inlaws thanks to not so DH!! On the bright side, I took a leaf out of your book icy and ebayed a load of unwanted/naff Xmas gifts. Hope M.I.L doesn't fancy bidding on any eBay shite as she might be buying back the gifts she bought me. Oh the small pleasures...
Happy new year peeps

Hi girls,

I usually love New Year almost as much as Christmas - I love the fresh start/wipe the slate clean thing but over the last couple of years it's been fraught with stress and sadness. However I'm convinced this year we will be parents or parents-to-be. Feel free to mock me unashamedly this time next year if not....

I have a toad in the hole cooking and DH is popping the prosecco. Happy New Year all - let's kick 2016 up the arse!

Hi ladies! I have missed you all!

icy you are right about
999reasonstolaughatinfertility - I haven't looked for a while and will revisit that one!

I'm spending NYE alone and very happy about it. In pjs on the sofa. DH is off with his family. I have my first follicle scan tomorrow. My ovaries feel very tender and I'm hoping that's a good thing and means stuff is happening.

Some of you have been through some shit this year and I am full of admiration that you're still going. Also grateful that you're posting / swearing about it. Thank you all.

Here's to better luck next year

Argh just been Facebook baby bombed ... by a gay friend of a friend! Even the bloody gay girls get pregnant!! Sod this, I'm going to bed till next year.

Bip, I was so sorry to read about your awful year. I hope we all have a better time in 2016 but especially you.