The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

URGH. Icy, I really feel your pain. I go into an apopleptic rage when I read/hear about other people getting pregnant now. I'm not one of these kind, good-hearted infertile people who can say 'Of course I'm happy for them, jsut sad for me..."

Joining you all in the proud festive pastimes of heavy drinking, stuffing one's face and being massively cynical and bitter. I've unfollowed pretty much everyone I know on Facebook with kids and replaced them with sites that post amusing cat pictures and memes (I highly recommend following the Best of Tumblr page - it's transformed my Facebook experience).

Because I'm a massive wuss and determined that people won't find out I've unfollowed them, when I'm having a 'strong' day, I peek on some of my friends' pages every so often and 'like' a couple of posts. I made the mistake of doing this last night, and was faced with a barrage of grinning, blooming, ridiculously happy-looking new mothers and babies in festive babygrows. I literally hate them all

We're fucking off to New York the day after Boxing Day and not coming back until New Year's Day. It was booked prior to our last IVF round as a 'just in case we need to cheer ourselves up', and the fact that we now think in those terms is depressing in itself. Maybe I'll be able to leave some of the misery behind and have a slightly less shite year next year....

angelica I'm mid ivf cycle and I also have a "go to New York of it doesn't work" plan. So we'll be going in February no doubt.

icy well, I'm sure that made an impression! I have also started using the phrase "it's not by choice that I don't" when ppl ask about me having kids. Their squirming embarrassment and not knowing where to look is one of my few remaining pleasured in life.

pebbles wallow in thebitterness of it helps. I like that here No one tries to force us to cheer up and 'think positive', I really like that about this thread.

tiger the cycle is going ok. Bit of an anti climax if I'm honest! Sniff drugs. Feel the same. Real action starts in Jan I guess.

To all worrying about the diet: my actual ivf consultant said to me the day I started downregging: "you don't need to behave as If you're pregnant until you know you're pregnant" ie eat cheese and drink wine all Christmas if you like. She's currently my most fave person and I am off course following her advice to the letter and so should you

Oh and I just came home to a pregnancy announced via the medium of a Christmas card so I couldn't even prepare for it. Bitch.

You're all fucking fabulous.

I agree with loads tonight - the drive-by present chucking; wine; making people squirm when I tell them we're going for treatment; chocolate. I'm also feeling increasingly bitter about it all. I'd like not to though next year...I'm convinced there's a new year's resolution in there somewhere.

We've got 2 weeks off work in June for a 'fuck them all' holiday.

We've also just ordered a new car today (first EVER!) which is a sensible but very nippy thing figuring that if we get preggo then we'll be ready with the ginormous boot space and if not we'll rag it about in style. Ha.

Right, off to watch The Apprentice :)

Ahh fractious.. Feeling your pain.
Just tell her you a surprised but very pleased for her as you know what it means to want a baby..
Keep fighting this shit

fractious that sucks, I'm sorry.

I agree with with karla something like"you must be so happy" avoids having to lie or give away any more about what you actually think and feel.

Oh Fractious I's so sorry, that is massively shite of her - maybe she thought it might be easier for you to deal with over text? It's a bit cowardly of her to fib to your face, though.

Please try not to beat yourself up about not being happy for them, it will only bring you more grief (I know it's easier said than done but we've all got more than enough grief at the moment). I've given my permission to think 'fucking fertile arseholes' when I hear pregnancy announcements now, even thought I paste a smile on my face.

Hope you're feeling a bit better now xxxxxxxx

Fractious that is bullshit but tbh most people are worse than fucking useless in relating to the barren. They seem to lack basic fucking empathy and get as far as feeling "awkward" never bothering to really put themselves in our position. They're all fucks.

I went to a carol concert last night. When they got to the lesson about Mary getting instavirgindiffed I actually found self rolling eyes and making faces. Jog on Mary.

Work xmas party today.
Got asked "have you ever thought of having kids? "
Replied "actually it's not my choice that I don't have kids now"
Awkward silence.
Felt pretty good!
So did the three g&ts.

PS why do ppl think that's an appropriate question at a work Christmas party????

Good (?) for you potatoes, I'm working up the guts for that kind of response. Good luck for tomorrow!

Oh, and Xmas card baby bomb? How fucking rude. Sorry that happened to you, think in my current state that would have been a half hour sobbing marathon

fractious, that is also really shit, I'm sorry :/ have you replied to her yet?

angelica I've followed the best of tumblr in FB too and I unfollowed another person who is baby mad. He's a bloke actually but every photo is "my amazing kid". LATERS. I concur about enhanced FB experience. I learned this, too, off one of the tumblr posts:

Spell "socks" out loud. You've just said "it is what it is" in Spanish ;-)
Seems relevant for this infertility shit. ¡Eso si que es! ¡Olé!

Here's to shelving friendships and taking control of what works for us.

I had a baby mad friend "A" who's had two kids and constantly badgered me about babies. I distanced myself. Then some shit happened to another friend, "A"had a bit of a realisation about my situation and when my infertility friend "B" recently gave birth, "A" called me to ask how I was. It was a really nice turn around. So those shelved friends may just be temporary. (But necessary! )

fractious that is really shitty of her!
It's a horrible situation to be put in. Sounds like you handle it pretty well and screw her for not replying. Leave that friendship in 2015, see yeah bye now!
It really makes me mad how people you work with ask such personal questions.
I would love to make an awkward comment but wouldn't want to give them something to gossip about.
Seems we are all thinking and planning the same for next year! I am 30 late next year and we are going on a luxury holiday if I am not pregnant by then.
I got a call from the hospital the other day offering me an op date, was really excited until she said it was 3 days before Xmas! I actually thought about accepting it until DH made a valid point! Although Xmas will be crap it would be worse if I was in pain from a laproscopy! just really want it done so I can start IVF!
Feeling really crap about all this now.
Hope next year brings some good news for you ladies.
Xxxxx

In the hairdressers reading OK - Peter Andre and fucking fertile new wife banging on about having a second child potentially and her "timing it so its close to end of August as possible" - LOL at that notion. It's bad, I don't care, I hope she has secondary infertility and then they talk to OK about that and people learn about the pain and sadness of it all. Sick of everyone but us being bastard fertile! Arrogant cunts.

Pebbles the lap would actually be okay to have 3 days prior to Xmas I think. 3 days after mine I was back at work - bad idea - was fairly uncomfortable and immobile, but I still managed to get into work and act as normal (no one knew I'd had Friday off for an op, was "at a wedding"). If your family know you've just had a big old bit of surgery then that's a great excuse to sit on sofa and do nothing to help out! Speaks volumes that I'm always looking for excuses to be selfish and get away with it!! But anyway when you do have the op, definitely tell work and get signed off for a fortnight. You'll be ok after 5 days and then the rest is bunce. I wish I'd had the op in my old job, but I was only in week 2 of new job when I had lap.

Pebbles prepare to swell up tho. I took a before and after lap pic. It's fucking ironic it makes you look pregnant

highjacks thread Icy you are a stone cold fox - wish i had your figure!!!

Oh icy there's no escaping baby talk!!
I like your cover up for your lap!
This isn't just a lap, I've already had one of those so now the pain and recovery etc. This was to have my tube removed! Not really a nice thing to be doing 3 days before Xmas will gladly wait till Jan now for a more convenient date.
My bloating was much worse than yours, not that it's a competition!!
Xxx

*know!

This. I hate this picture and it's all over Facebook! Gah!

Yes sammylou I couldn't agree more, that's really terrible. FFS it should obviously be 'at Christmas'. Or 'on Christmas Day'.

The only thing worse than a smug parent is a smug parent with appalling grammar!!